Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
You say you met when you were 18 but actually got married 9 years later (when you were 27 - so old enough to make that decision) - is that correct ? How was your husband in those early years ? Attractive ? Fit ? Upbeat ?
When you trained as an accountant, did he support you in this or was he negative ?
I live in the UK and I can tell you first hand there is not a real good support system for men - Relate is an absolute joke! The "counsellors" are a bunch of bored housewives and wannabe therapists. To try and get counselling you have to spend serious money. As I said I speak from first hand knowledge. I actually fully understand where your husband is at this stage in his life.
He feels he is a failure but cannot come out with it. Your earning more, running and successfully losing weight and having a set of friends away from the misery of home life makes him jealous. I agree that he should get help but not from Relate!!!!
I have seen near identical situations where I live and we have a local "curry club" that has helped more husbands in this situation than any Relate office could do. He is currently resentful and sees what you say to him as highlighting his failures and as "nagging". If he were in our town we would take him away and gently build him up again so that he could see a light at the end of this tunnel.
You must realise that he already knew you didn't find him attractive some time ago and it is yet another thing he has to cope with.
As others are saying, you should let him go as much for your sake as for his. He will sink a bit but rise again.
Or … you can try and empathise and really try and get to the bottom of what he is feeling and going through. I somehow think that you now feel that you can do better than him and have opted to end the marriage and I must say, reading your posts, the justification is all there. So I guess you are justified. But I have also been where he is and once my wife threatened to leave I did manage to find a support network and built myself back up (I was very overweight at one stage complete with the snoring problems etc). I eventually got fitter and became attractive to other women and this is what made my wife sit up and take notice. I also started to earn more money as my friends helped me get back on top of things. My wife had also decided that she could do better at the time and even had a couple of replacements lined up (in her mind). However, she had the sense to finally understand what I was going through and quickly came back.
Our four kids were also influenced by this at the time (they are grown now) and I have three daughters and one son. My son and two of my daughters could see what I was going through much more clearly than their mother at the time and also came to my aid. They stated that they would prefer to stay in the house with me and help me with the mortgage once they started work. My wife at the time was much more concerned with her running club, her gym and her new group of friends (many of whom were divorced or looking to get divorced).
I really hope this is not the case with you and that you have carefully thought carefully about what he might be going through. As I said a local curry club can be of more help sometimes to a UK male than Relate.
I really hope it all works out for the best for you but I thought that I would just give you another perspective.
And you don't need to answer this on the forum here, but has there been one or two potential replacement mates that have caught your eye since you lost weight etc. If so, then your situation may need another look at. If not, then you need to really understand at what point you lost attraction to your husband. As I asked at the start of this, how was your relationship to start with ? Did it all change once kids arrived ?
This has really made me think. I've not really thought further back than 6 years when things really deteriorated (me in another bedroom) but when the children where born (daughter 13 next month) he showered her with the love and attention he used to give me, maybe I saw this as his disassociation with me and coupled with my post natal depression thought that he didn't fancy me anymore and then finding porn on the phone and his computer made me feel worthless.
While pregnant he would snore (not as bad) I would go on the broken settee and he wouldn't acknowledge it he wouldn't even say wake me up. Which I didn't want to do as he needs his sleep. I guess he may have been embarrassed? But again that was another hammer on my emotions. Another occasion was when I was about to pop with my second child and my daughter was 3 he went out on a stag do quite far away I pleaded him to not drink so that he could come back if needed he refused left me crying heartbroken heavily pregnant and he never even rang to make sure I was ok. This was all before I found running and I had hardly any friends - he had control.
Another occasion was I hated the dentist petrified in fact and I was in a lot of pain, cracked tooth and abscess worried I was going to need the tooth out. Went to the emergency dentist who was in the middle of a busy town and it was throwing it down with rain. I couldn't concentrate on driving so asked him to take me - his response as I was crying while he passed me the tom tom for directions was "sorry use this to find your way my friend needs me to help him with his computer!" Left me in pieces.
I wasn't strong enough to say anything back then I wasn't well myself. Now I am and I look back and these (and there are more) issues made me feel small and pathetic and that he never loved me. Now I have put up with it and become stronger and got myself well. I have tried.
I am trying to help him now. I haven't noticed other men to be honest as I am not interested in becoming sad and hurt again
Your advice made me have another perspective and for that I thank you. I will try and be more supportive of him
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