Is this normal? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 65Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:47 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Summer,



Hope you had a better day today. How's it going?


Hi @EleGirl I think I have helped him see he has to tell his parents now, then it becomes real. I have after all the advice and seeing both sides on here decided that I have to start caring for myself and the children. I am beginning to realise that this isn't selfish this is to ensure the kids have a chance of seeing that what we are isn't normal.

I am going to also to try and help him see he should talk to someone and get himself some help not only for him but so he can be a good strong dad too. I've always said I don't hate him I love him but as a companion a friend rather than a husband. I want to try and support him to become well but detach emotionally. I have no idea if that is doable yet but I can try.

I am sure I will still flip between panic "have I done the right thing" and "yes this is right" but that's only down to me being scared about the kids reaction to the separation.

I am not out the woods yet, I think he will make it very difficult for me to leave (name off mortgage etc) I live in the U.K. So I may have to start reading up on the law

Thank you xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

summer41 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:55 AM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,820
Re: Is this normal?

Yes you do need to start reading up on your laws. I did some searching on the internet for issues related to divorce in the UK, but the websites I found are not as direct/clear as those in the USA.

My take is that there is alimony and children support. But it's not clear if it's only for a spouse who gave up working outside the home to be a full time at-home parent, of it it's for any lower-earning spouse.

You would probably benefit from an appointment with a solicitor to get some of your questions answered as well.

It's good that you are encouraging him to build a support system for himself. He's going to need it from the sounds of things.

I can understand why this would be hard. He's difficult, but he's not horrible. He's not beating you. He's not cheating, etc. When those things are going on, it is much easier to know what you have to do and to justify leaving.

You are right that what you describe of your marriage is not what your children should be learning about marriage and family.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #78 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:58 AM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,820
Re: Is this normal?

By the way, this is tax week in the USA.. our income taxes are due on Monday. I do taxes for a few people. One of my clients has a mess and she dumped it on me. So I've been inundated with trying to clean it up. So I've not been on TAM much again today. I just wanted you to know so that you know that while I'm not here a lot these few days, I am checking in.

You need support and I'll bet that a lot of the TAM regular posters also have their heads buried in their tax prep this week/week-end.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
 
post #79 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:28 AM
Member
 
manfromlamancha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,437
Re: Is this normal?

You say you met when you were 18 but actually got married 9 years later (when you were 27 - so old enough to make that decision) - is that correct ? How was your husband in those early years ? Attractive ? Fit ? Upbeat ?

When you trained as an accountant, did he support you in this or was he negative ?


I live in the UK and I can tell you first hand there is not a real good support system for men - Relate is an absolute joke! The "counsellors" are a bunch of bored housewives and wannabe therapists. To try and get counselling you have to spend serious money. As I said I speak from first hand knowledge. I actually fully understand where your husband is at this stage in his life.

He feels he is a failure but cannot come out with it. Your earning more, running and successfully losing weight and having a set of friends away from the misery of home life makes him jealous. I agree that he should get help but not from Relate!!!!

I have seen near identical situations where I live and we have a local "curry club" that has helped more husbands in this situation than any Relate office could do. He is currently resentful and sees what you say to him as highlighting his failures and as "nagging". If he were in our town we would take him away and gently build him up again so that he could see a light at the end of this tunnel.

You must realise that he already knew you didn't find him attractive some time ago and it is yet another thing he has to cope with.

As others are saying, you should let him go as much for your sake as for his. He will sink a bit but rise again.

Or … you can try and empathise and really try and get to the bottom of what he is feeling and going through. I somehow think that you now feel that you can do better than him and have opted to end the marriage and I must say, reading your posts, the justification is all there. So I guess you are justified. But I have also been where he is and once my wife threatened to leave I did manage to find a support network and built myself back up (I was very overweight at one stage complete with the snoring problems etc). I eventually got fitter and became attractive to other women and this is what made my wife sit up and take notice. I also started to earn more money as my friends helped me get back on top of things. My wife had also decided that she could do better at the time and even had a couple of replacements lined up (in her mind). However, she had the sense to finally understand what I was going through and quickly came back.

Our four kids were also influenced by this at the time (they are grown now) and I have three daughters and one son. My son and two of my daughters could see what I was going through much more clearly than their mother at the time and also came to my aid. They stated that they would prefer to stay in the house with me and help me with the mortgage once they started work. My wife at the time was much more concerned with her running club, her gym and her new group of friends (many of whom were divorced or looking to get divorced).

I really hope this is not the case with you and that you have carefully thought carefully about what he might be going through. As I said a local curry club can be of more help sometimes to a UK male than Relate.


I really hope it all works out for the best for you but I thought that I would just give you another perspective.

And you don't need to answer this on the forum here, but has there been one or two potential replacement mates that have caught your eye since you lost weight etc. If so, then your situation may need another look at. If not, then you need to really understand at what point you lost attraction to your husband. As I asked at the start of this, how was your relationship to start with ? Did it all change once kids arrived ?

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
manfromlamancha is offline  
post #80 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:59 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
You say you met when you were 18 but actually got married 9 years later (when you were 27 - so old enough to make that decision) - is that correct ? How was your husband in those early years ? Attractive ? Fit ? Upbeat ?

When you trained as an accountant, did he support you in this or was he negative ?


I live in the UK and I can tell you first hand there is not a real good support system for men - Relate is an absolute joke! The "counsellors" are a bunch of bored housewives and wannabe therapists. To try and get counselling you have to spend serious money. As I said I speak from first hand knowledge. I actually fully understand where your husband is at this stage in his life.

He feels he is a failure but cannot come out with it. Your earning more, running and successfully losing weight and having a set of friends away from the misery of home life makes him jealous. I agree that he should get help but not from Relate!!!!

I have seen near identical situations where I live and we have a local "curry club" that has helped more husbands in this situation than any Relate office could do. He is currently resentful and sees what you say to him as highlighting his failures and as "nagging". If he were in our town we would take him away and gently build him up again so that he could see a light at the end of this tunnel.

You must realise that he already knew you didn't find him attractive some time ago and it is yet another thing he has to cope with.

As others are saying, you should let him go as much for your sake as for his. He will sink a bit but rise again.

Or … you can try and empathise and really try and get to the bottom of what he is feeling and going through. I somehow think that you now feel that you can do better than him and have opted to end the marriage and I must say, reading your posts, the justification is all there. So I guess you are justified. But I have also been where he is and once my wife threatened to leave I did manage to find a support network and built myself back up (I was very overweight at one stage complete with the snoring problems etc). I eventually got fitter and became attractive to other women and this is what made my wife sit up and take notice. I also started to earn more money as my friends helped me get back on top of things. My wife had also decided that she could do better at the time and even had a couple of replacements lined up (in her mind). However, she had the sense to finally understand what I was going through and quickly came back.

Our four kids were also influenced by this at the time (they are grown now) and I have three daughters and one son. My son and two of my daughters could see what I was going through much more clearly than their mother at the time and also came to my aid. They stated that they would prefer to stay in the house with me and help me with the mortgage once they started work. My wife at the time was much more concerned with her running club, her gym and her new group of friends (many of whom were divorced or looking to get divorced).

I really hope this is not the case with you and that you have carefully thought carefully about what he might be going through. As I said a local curry club can be of more help sometimes to a UK male than Relate.


I really hope it all works out for the best for you but I thought that I would just give you another perspective.

And you don't need to answer this on the forum here, but has there been one or two potential replacement mates that have caught your eye since you lost weight etc. If so, then your situation may need another look at. If not, then you need to really understand at what point you lost attraction to your husband. As I asked at the start of this, how was your relationship to start with ? Did it all change once kids arrived ?


This has really made me think. I've not really thought further back than 6 years when things really deteriorated (me in another bedroom) but when the children where born (daughter 13 next month) he showered her with the love and attention he used to give me, maybe I saw this as his disassociation with me and coupled with my post natal depression thought that he didn't fancy me anymore and then finding porn on the phone and his computer made me feel worthless.

While pregnant he would snore (not as bad) I would go on the broken settee and he wouldn't acknowledge it he wouldn't even say wake me up. Which I didn't want to do as he needs his sleep. I guess he may have been embarrassed? But again that was another hammer on my emotions. Another occasion was when I was about to pop with my second child and my daughter was 3 he went out on a stag do quite far away I pleaded him to not drink so that he could come back if needed he refused left me crying heartbroken heavily pregnant and he never even rang to make sure I was ok. This was all before I found running and I had hardly any friends - he had control.

Another occasion was I hated the dentist petrified in fact and I was in a lot of pain, cracked tooth and abscess worried I was going to need the tooth out. Went to the emergency dentist who was in the middle of a busy town and it was throwing it down with rain. I couldn't concentrate on driving so asked him to take me - his response as I was crying while he passed me the tom tom for directions was "sorry use this to find your way my friend needs me to help him with his computer!" Left me in pieces.
I wasn't strong enough to say anything back then I wasn't well myself. Now I am and I look back and these (and there are more) issues made me feel small and pathetic and that he never loved me. Now I have put up with it and become stronger and got myself well. I have tried.

I am trying to help him now. I haven't noticed other men to be honest as I am not interested in becoming sad and hurt again

Your advice made me have another perspective and for that I thank you. I will try and be more supportive of him


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
summer41 is offline  
post #81 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 04:54 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,724
Cool Re: Is this normal?

Get both yourself and the kids into immediate therapy! In retrospect, your H actually needs this therapy much worse than you do!

Without doing anything from a tangible perspective to facilitate your marriage, it greatly sounds as if he is giving you no other option other than to divorce!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is online now  
post #82 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 07:24 AM
Member
 
manfromlamancha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,437
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
This has really made me think. I've not really thought further back than 6 years when things really deteriorated (me in another bedroom) but when the children where born (daughter 13 next month) he showered her with the love and attention he used to give me, maybe I saw this as his disassociation with me and coupled with my post natal depression thought that he didn't fancy me anymore and then finding porn on the phone and his computer made me feel worthless.

While pregnant he would snore (not as bad) I would go on the broken settee and he wouldn't acknowledge it he wouldn't even say wake me up. Which I didn't want to do as he needs his sleep. I guess he may have been embarrassed? But again that was another hammer on my emotions. Another occasion was when I was about to pop with my second child and my daughter was 3 he went out on a stag do quite far away I pleaded him to not drink so that he could come back if needed he refused left me crying heartbroken heavily pregnant and he never even rang to make sure I was ok. This was all before I found running and I had hardly any friends - he had control.

Another occasion was I hated the dentist petrified in fact and I was in a lot of pain, cracked tooth and abscess worried I was going to need the tooth out. Went to the emergency dentist who was in the middle of a busy town and it was throwing it down with rain. I couldn't concentrate on driving so asked him to take me - his response as I was crying while he passed me the tom tom for directions was "sorry use this to find your way my friend needs me to help him with his computer!" Left me in pieces.
I wasn't strong enough to say anything back then I wasn't well myself. Now I am and I look back and these (and there are more) issues made me feel small and pathetic and that he never loved me. Now I have put up with it and become stronger and got myself well. I have tried.

I am trying to help him now. I haven't noticed other men to be honest as I am not interested in becoming sad and hurt again

Your advice made me have another perspective and for that I thank you. I will try and be more supportive of him


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He, like many husbands I have come across, seems to have an unhealthy dose of what might be described as a combination of selfishness, lack of empathy, manners and respect etc. This is not uncommon. He needs education and he needs it fast. And I know I will get slammed for this, but it needs to come from another man - one he either trusts or looks up to.

His not being supportive during your pregnancy (including having you sleep on an uncomfortable couch, fear of dentists etc) is unforgivable and for that alone I would suggest somebody sort him out. I don't know what part of the UK you live in but I know of a couple in the southeast of England but they are expensive.

What I was trying to establish is what were his good points when he was attractive to you ? That is what he needs to clearly identify and bring back first, and then work on his other negative points.

It may well be that he doesn't fancy you anymore although I seriously doubt it. I think he senses the resentment and this drives him further down the rabbit hole.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
manfromlamancha is offline  
post #83 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:14 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
By the way, this is tax week in the USA.. our income taxes are due on Monday. I do taxes for a few people. One of my clients has a mess and she dumped it on me. So I've been inundated with trying to clean it up. So I've not been on TAM much again today. I just wanted you to know so that you know that while I'm not here a lot these few days, I am checking in.



You need support and I'll bet that a lot of the TAM regular posters also have their heads buried in their tax prep this week/week-end.

@EleGirl I have posted in the going through separation and divorce, this weekend is easter in the U.K. And it's been the worst weekend ever for me, can't wait to go back to work; his complete lack of acknowledgement that it's over is making me feel trapped. I can't breathe and in total panic mode. I feel like he has me over a barrel




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
summer41 is offline  
post #84 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:50 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 3,212
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
This has really made me think. I've not really thought further back than 6 years when things really deteriorated (me in another bedroom) but when the children where born (daughter 13 next month) he showered her with the love and attention he used to give me, maybe I saw this as his disassociation with me and coupled with my post natal depression thought that he didn't fancy me anymore and then finding porn on the phone and his computer made me feel worthless.

While pregnant he would snore (not as bad) I would go on the broken settee and he wouldn't acknowledge it he wouldn't even say wake me up. Which I didn't want to do as he needs his sleep. I guess he may have been embarrassed? But again that was another hammer on my emotions. Another occasion was when I was about to pop with my second child and my daughter was 3 he went out on a stag do quite far away I pleaded him to not drink so that he could come back if needed he refused left me crying heartbroken heavily pregnant and he never even rang to make sure I was ok. This was all before I found running and I had hardly any friends - he had control.

Another occasion was I hated the dentist petrified in fact and I was in a lot of pain, cracked tooth and abscess worried I was going to need the tooth out. Went to the emergency dentist who was in the middle of a busy town and it was throwing it down with rain. I couldn't concentrate on driving so asked him to take me - his response as I was crying while he passed me the tom tom for directions was "sorry use this to find your way my friend needs me to help him with his computer!" Left me in pieces.
I wasn't strong enough to say anything back then I wasn't well myself. Now I am and I look back and these (and there are more) issues made me feel small and pathetic and that he never loved me. Now I have put up with it and become stronger and got myself well. I have tried.

I am trying to help him now. I haven't noticed other men to be honest as I am not interested in becoming sad and hurt again

Your advice made me have another perspective and for that I thank you. I will try and be more supportive of him


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It is sad that he treated you like this, he sounds like a bit of a bully or ingrate. There are many men who are thoughtless (usually unintentionally) but it chips away at the love their wives have for them. Their wives tell them over and over but they do not hear. Alas, a time often comes to pay the piper, and in your case the feelings have gone, he is just a 'friend' someone whom you care for but who will soon only be part of your past.
I get morose when I think of stuff my H did to me, things said, (a woman really never forgets though she may choose to forgive) they tend to erode the love.
aine is offline  
post #85 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
It is sad that he treated you like this, he sounds like a bit of a bully or ingrate. There are many men who are thoughtless (usually unintentionally) but it chips away at the love their wives have for them. Their wives tell them over and over but they do not hear. Alas, a time often comes to pay the piper, and in your case the feelings have gone, he is just a 'friend' someone whom you care for but who will soon only be part of your past.

I get morose when I think of stuff my H did to me, things said, (a woman really never forgets though she may choose to forgive) they tend to erode the love.


I am worried that I will start to resent him: I just want him to find someone who can make him happy. I can't anymore I am totally worn out. We don't forget it's like some of the things said and done happened yesterday.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

summer41 is offline  
post #86 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:58 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,560
Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
I am worried that I will start to resent him: I just want him to find someone who can make him happy. I can't anymore I am totally worn out. We don't forget it's like some of the things said and done happened yesterday.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Only he can make himself happy.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
is this normal? What is normal? owl General Relationship Discussion 11 01-19-2017 03:49 PM
women is this normal? jamessutton Sex in Marriage 18 08-29-2016 10:21 AM
What are your normal foods at home? southbound The Social Spot 91 08-12-2016 04:40 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome