Is this normal? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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Is this normal?

Sorry for the long post


Hi I am new to these boards but totally lost. I have been married for 22 years. I was 18 when we met. I loved my husband then boyfriend with all my heart he was my everything. I did everything with him he was my lover and best friend. I lost touch with most of my girlfriends. 9 years later We eventually got our first house, got engaged got married and I qualified as an accountant and then fell pregnant.
I got post natal depression but he didn't understand. That's when things started to crack. He started being uncaring, turning the Other way if I was upset. had no one to help me or show some love and understanding he made me feel like I was mental why couldn't I just crack on...I went to counselling but still struggled with my weight and body image (I had put 6 stone on)
Over the next 4 years I felt low and couldn't fully shake off the sadness but was doing ok at work being promoted. His sex drive dipped and he started to pile on the weight.
I fell pregnant 4 years later with my second child, again bam post natal depression and I developed an eating disorder to lose my weight. My first child went to school and I met some more mums who got me into running to help with my low mood it worked! I felt lighter in my moods, but my husband resented me for it, wouldn't watch me race didn't like me having friends; would put me down in a manipulative way. They made comments, my daughter made a comment that mummy doesn't eat with us anymore so I booked myself in with a psychologist to sort myself out and after many long sessions I felt like me again. She told me to keep running it was good for me but the more I ran the more my husband didn't support, I wanted him to become part of my "running family" but he wasn't interested so I stopped asking him.
Then he started putting more weight on, snoring I couldn't sleep I moved myself into the spare bedroom on a blow up bed. I asked for relate I asked for him to see the doctor as he was depressed this was 3 years ago and he refused. We grew apart. The comments saying I saw my children as a burden I trained too much. It broke my heart. I said if we didn't sort this out our marriage was in trouble.
Sure enough 3 years on after 6 years of being unhappy I have a 12 year old and a 8 year old and I've said our marriage is over. I love him like a brother not a husband. He finally agreed to relate which we did but it didn't work; the counsellor acknowledged his complete lack of empathy.
He has buried his head again and is refusing to look at his finances. I feel sorry for him I keep wobbling between my decision as I do love Him I have been with him more than half my life but it's in the wrong way. I worry about the kids and how they will cope, but this is pulling me down.
Any advice would be helpful. Feel rubbish that i am a Horrible person


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post #2 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

Read your story, but don't know how to advise. If you're u don't love him anymore, what can I say?
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post #3 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

I know it sounds strange but maybe I am still grieving for what we had yet know I will never have that back again. I care so much about him. I'm just a mess sorry for the confusing post evinrude58


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post #4 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

No shame in ending this sham of a marriage. You two went different paths and I don't see it recovering. Don't let your children see this as a "normal marriage." They should see two adults in a loving relationship. You don't have that and never will.

File for divorce and start the seperation process. It's tough at first but time will go quickly. You'll be in a much better place 6 months from now, happy. Start dating when you feel you're ready. You are craving someone to share life with and be intimate with. It's normal and you deserve it.
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post #5 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

Guyincolorado that's my worry our son who is 8 doesn't see us cuddling holding hands or even laughing. I am being soft. I don't want to hurt my husband but I realise that I am going to have to keep reiterating over and over again that this is happening.


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post #6 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
He finally agreed to relate
Could you please explain what this means? I have never seen the word "relate" used like this and am not clear what you mean. I can guess. But I'd rather have you clarify.

You are not a horrible person. The two of you have a pretty common problem in that you have grown apart. It is possible to fix this, but it would take both of you working on it to fix it.

How many hours a week to you spend on your running?

How man hours a week do you and your husband spend in quality time together, just the two of you with no children or friends or family around?
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post #7 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

Elegirl when I first said the marriage is over in Jan this year he said we needed help even though I was on my hands and needs pleading for marriage counselling 3 years earlier and he refused even though I was so upset. For the sake of trying I said ok and went but he couldn't see during those sessions that what he had done and said to me over the years was wrong and the counsellor couldn't get him to see either. The times I have asked for him to talk about our problems just the two of us I was rejected and even had to resort to a text message that he even ignored after I had poured my heart out. He always thought I wasn't serious. I am out running maybe 20 mins during the week a few time but do a long run at weekends. I even went to the gym before work while everyone in bed so that it didn't impact on the family but I was told by him that I needed to stop that too. It's almost like he wants me back to being the unconfident no friends person I was years ago and that isn't me now. I have a really good job now and he doesn't like me talking about is as I am the breadwinner.
I don't know how else I can hammer home that it is over I have tried the gentle approach and he keeps ignoring me.


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post #8 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

I have tried in the past for date night but he would always have an excuse and it would always be me trying to sort it out. So I stopped trying


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post #9 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

Here is something for you to read... Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

What you are experiencing is, sadly pretty usual. It's so common that it has a name.
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post #10 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
Elegirl when I first said the marriage is over in Jan this year he said we needed help even though I was on my hands and needs pleading for marriage counselling 3 years earlier and he refused even though I was so upset. For the sake of trying I said ok and went but he couldn't see during those sessions that what he had done and said to me over the years was wrong and the counsellor couldn't get him to see either. The times I have asked for him to talk about our problems just the two of us I was rejected and even had to resort to a text message that he even ignored after I had poured my heart out. He always thought I wasn't serious. I am out running maybe 20 mins during the week a few time but do a long run at weekends. I even went to the gym before work while everyone in bed so that it didn't impact on the family but I was told by him that I needed to stop that too. It's almost like he wants me back to being the unconfident no friends person I was years ago and that isn't me now. I have a really good job now and he doesn't like me talking about is as I am the breadwinner. I don't know how else I can hammer home that it is over I have tried the gentle approach and he keeps ignoring me.
Why doesn't he have a job?

Is he the primary care giver to your children? Does he do most of the housework, chores, cooking?

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post #11 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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I have tried in the past for date night but he would always have an excuse and it would always be me trying to sort it out. So I stopped trying
I, I stopped trying too when my husband did that for years. Why try to spend time with him and he does not want to spend time with you? I get it.

To keep a relationship healthy and to maintain the passions, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you. IN a marriage like yours it would take 20-25 hours a week to start with to rebuild your connection. Once you both had that loving feeling again, you could cut back to the 15 hours.


There is no reason that you should not be able to do your running and spend a lot of time with him.

One problem I see with the way you describe the counseling it that it sounds like it was spending a lot of time telling him what he was doing wrong. I can see why he would get defensive. A better approach in counseling it to focus on what you both should be doing and then the two of you just start doing the right things. Unfortunately, too many counselors take the approach of wallowing in the past instead of coaching for better behaviors in the future.

If you want to try one last time, there are two books that would really help you. You would both read them and do the work that they say to do from here on out.

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
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post #12 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Why doesn't he have a job?



Is he the primary care giver to your children? Does he do most of the housework, chores, cooking?


He does have a job but he works shifts. He cooks as I work long hours but I clean the house wash the clothes iron and do all the house bills etc



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post #13 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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I, I stopped trying too when my husband did that for years. Why try to spend time with him and he does not want to spend time with you? I get it.



To keep a relationship healthy and to maintain the passions, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you. IN a marriage like yours it would take 20-25 hours a week to start with to rebuild your connection. Once you both had that loving feeling again, you could cut back to the 15 hours.





There is no reason that you should not be able to do your running and spend a lot of time with him.



One problem I see with the way you describe the counseling it that it sounds like it was spending a lot of time telling him what he was doing wrong. I can see why he would get defensive. A better approach in counseling it to focus on what you both should be doing and then the two of you just start doing the right things. Unfortunately, too many counselors take the approach of wallowing in the past instead of coaching for better behaviors in the future.



If you want to try one last time, there are two books that would really help you. You would both read them and do the work that they say to do from here on out.



"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"


We both talked about our issues we had boundaries in the sessions. One of his comments was "he is dealing with the cards he has been dealt with" that cut deep. His issues where from what the counsellor and I can gather that I had another life that he chose not be a party too. He was jealous and wanted me to stop. I saw the main issue was that he was snoring and wouldn't go to the doctors to try and sort it out. I stopped finding him attractive and I bucked up the courage to say that and he said "he was emotionally and physically happy with who he was it was me that had the problem" which was a sure sign of his depression. He tried to deflect all his bad feelings back on to me so I thought it was all my fault he made me feel like I was thick, pathetic even friends said that he put me down when they came for meals at ours so I stopped inviting them around as I was embarrassed


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post #14 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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He does have a job but he works shifts. He cooks as I work long hours but I clean the house wash the clothes iron and do all the house bills etc
What percentage of your joint income does he earn?

How many hours a week does he work?

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" explains to men that they need to do a fair share of the housework, child care, etc. Since you both work, he should be doing about 50% of it all (this includes yard care if you have one).

It is completely disrespectful of him to dump all that on you.
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post #15 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Here is something for you to read... Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting

What you are experiencing is, sadly pretty usual. It's so common that it has a name.


That is most definitely what has happened here but other things like nothing in common anymore, I don't find him attractive and can't ever see me being intimate with him again. The only reason to stay would be as my friend and father to my kid but that will leave a big emotional hole



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