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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
I know I started this (I cheated and moved out first, I didn't move out with the intention of cheating, but it happened). I have tried to reconcile, profusely apologized, I have changed many things, pitched in harder, worked all day, came home and cleaned the house, done many favors and extras for her, written her sweet notes, etc.
I have noticed this a lot from people who cheat. Most of these things are like physical things, working around the house stuff like that. Now those are good things but they don't address the emotional damage. That is where the damage is and what needs to be fixed. I hear this book is good "how to help my spouse heal from my affair" did you try doing the stuff there. It may just be too late.

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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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So basic timeline:

I moved out 4 months ago: cheated after a few weeks gone, immediately confessed and came home, was gone a total of 2.5 weeks. Cheating only lasted a 3 days.

A few weeks later, we went on our trip, I said the stupid **** about wanting to find the spark back

2 days later she cheated for 5 weeks

Now here we are
What was the pretense of moving out for? What was going on at that point?
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
That sucks man. Very tough situation. There is no doubt in my mind about this one. She was using the guise of being at her sisters or dad's house over the weekend for her part of the affair. She texted me and asked me to pick up our son from a spend the night on a Saturday. We got home, he got on the computer and called me in saying there was something weird on the computer. She had left up her facebook and was a half naked picture she had sent to the dude. It old Jack to leave the room. Found out it was going on for about 5 weeks, lots of meet ups, sexting, etc. I confronted her, and she immediately lashed out at me. Within 30 minutes she was crying, apologizing/begging etc. We had an ok day that day after that, then I caught her in another lie and got mad. Ever since then, it has been awful with zero improvement, affection, feelings, connections, nothing. That was about 2 months ago or so?

I can deal with anger. I can deal with hurt. But I can't deal with her acting like I MADE her have an affair and her explaining it away as 'I started it'. I can't deal with ZERO effort. I don't care what the counselor says. I am her husband of 10 years. She can't just completely ignore me and act like I don't exist 99% of the time like she does. She has also gotten extremely heavily into pot. She has always smoked it, but lately it's 10-12 times a day constantly and perpetually high. I don't have a problem with pot, but that is an extreme, wake up smoke it, and smoke it every hour.

ugh, what a pickle I am in. Good luck with your situation. Maybe you are just being paranoid? But a spouse that refuses to unlock her phone after you have caught her with some questionable texts is a little bit of a red flag for me. My wife also, even after the affair, is weird about transparency. In fact, after I found out, she had texted the dude and apologized, saying I found out before (what I assume) ceasing contact and blocking him on Facebook.
Well other things have come up since I found the text, but again as one thing comes up to make me think there is an affair, 3 more come up that says there is none. I've caught her in a bunch of stupid little lies that really meant nothing but I didn't say anything to her about them. They were more like lies to test me to see if I was spying and monitoring her because she keeps accusing of doing that. I am but I'm not that crazy about it, it's more like if I notice something I look into it. Her latest was I was away overnight, I had set up 2 VAR's and added a camera to system that was hidden in the bedroom, something just felt off before I left. When I checked to footage when I got back, there was a 6 hour block that was missing. When I checked the footage that was there, I saw her reach back behind the bedroom TV and unplug the cameras power supply, and then plug it back in 6 hours later. I'm still going through the audio from the VAR's so I don't know of anything for sure, but it just doesn't make sense. It's either she had someone at the house that wasn't supposed to be there, which will be on the VAR's, or she did it thinking I was going to check it when I got back and ask her about it and then accuse me of spying on her again. I'm seriously at a lose here.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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How do you know it's time to file?

Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.

We have been to 5 marriage counseling sessions so far. I don't think she is taking is very seriously, as she has done very little in terms of the home work or the instruction we have been given.

I looked at her phone and she had googled 'i don't think i love my husbandanymore'. Yesterday in therapy she told me she was no longer attracted to me and lost all respect for me.

I really want to make it work. But I can't read her or figure out the situation. She is so distant and virtually refuses to talk about it.

When is it time to pull the trigger? Very hesitant as we have a 9 year old, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I refuse to accept blame for mine and her affair. I refuse to do all of the work. I refuse to be the door mat and put in all of the effort while she sits around and does nothing. She is a stay at home mom and has done zero towards the house or any effort in normal duties.

Please help!
Who cheated first?
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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I was fed up. Had started some new meds and made bad decisions and moved out. Was fed up for a lot of reasons, but not stuff that couldn't be fixed.

Her inability to pitch in around hr house with cooking cleaning ... anything. And she was a stay at home mom. She literally wouldn't do anything.

So I got fed up and left.

I cheated about 2.5 weeks after I separated. The. Came home 3 days after and confessed as my conscience wouldn't allow me to keep it going.

I went insane for a few weeks. It was all a huge mistake I wish I could take back.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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Me, the she revenge cheated after I came back and we were 'trying'
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
That sucks man. Very tough situation. There is no doubt in my mind about this one. She was using the guise of being at her sisters or dad's house over the weekend for her part of the affair. She texted me and asked me to pick up our son from a spend the night on a Saturday. We got home, he got on the computer and called me in saying there was something weird on the computer. She had left up her facebook and was a half naked picture she had sent to the dude. It old Jack to leave the room. Found out it was going on for about 5 weeks, lots of meet ups, sexting, etc. I confronted her, and she immediately lashed out at me. Within 30 minutes she was crying, apologizing/begging etc. We had an ok day that day after that, then I caught her in another lie and got mad. Ever since then, it has been awful with zero improvement, affection, feelings, connections, nothing. That was about 2 months ago or so?

I can deal with anger. I can deal with hurt. But I can't deal with her acting like I MADE her have an affair and her explaining it away as 'I started it'. I can't deal with ZERO effort. I don't care what the counselor says. I am her husband of 10 years. She can't just completely ignore me and act like I don't exist 99% of the time like she does. She has also gotten extremely heavily into pot. She has always smoked it, but lately it's 10-12 times a day constantly and perpetually high. I don't have a problem with pot, but that is an extreme, wake up smoke it, and smoke it every hour.

ugh, what a pickle I am in. Good luck with your situation. Maybe you are just being paranoid? But a spouse that refuses to unlock her phone after you have caught her with some questionable texts is a little bit of a red flag for me. My wife also, even after the affair, is weird about transparency. In fact, after I found out, she had texted the dude and apologized, saying I found out before (what I assume) ceasing contact and blocking him on Facebook.
Well other things have come up since I found the text, but again as one thing comes up to make me think there is an affair, 3 more come up that says there is none. I've caught her in a bunch of stupid little lies that really meant nothing but I didn't say anything to her about them. They were more like lies to test me to see if I was spying and monitoring her because she keeps accusing of doing that. I am but I'm not that crazy about it, it's more like if I notice something I look into it. Her latest was I was away overnight, I had set up 2 VAR's and added a camera to system that was hidden in the bedroom, something just felt off before I left. When I checked to footage when I got back, there was a 6 hour block that was missing. When I checked the footage that was there, I saw her reach back behind the bedroom TV and unplug the cameras power supply, and then plug it back in 6 hours later. I'm still going through the audio from the VAR's so I don't know of anything for sure, but it just doesn't make sense. It's either she had someone at the house that wasn't supposed to be there, which will be on the VAR's, or she did it thinking I was going to check it when I got back and ask her about it and then accuse me of spying on her again. I'm seriously at a lose here.
That all seems very sketchy. I would review those vars asap.
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Me, the she revenge cheated after I came back and we were 'trying'
Don't forget the important part of the "spark missing". That was what put your marriage in the crapper and was flushed down the toilet.

You did it. All of it. It started with the affair and ended with the "spark" talk. End this sham and what you started when you decided to give yourself space and then your affair just conveniently happened.

Not a one night stand mind you, a couple of days enjoying your new found freedom. Why is her affair worse than yours?

Why if you had her finally trying to do something towards saving the marriage did you kick her down when you brought up the "spark" ****?

Yes, you were messed up, you still are and have learned nothing. Time to seek IC and let this dead marriage go.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:05 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
Me, the she revenge cheated after I came back and we were 'trying'
I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.
He didn't have the revenge affair, @Diana7, he started it when he left the marriage because he was fed up of her being lazy and doing none of the work a Stay at Home mom should do.

Once he found his new freedom, he didn't mean to cheat but he did. Wasn't repentant right away, but a couple of rumps later. Went home to lazy wife and confessed due to guilt. She was angry and forgave and finally started working on making their marriage real.

Then he hits her with the fact that the "spark" was gone from their relationship on his end. WTF, she was finally trying and had actively participated in the reconciliation process and it was still not enough for him. I suspect nothing would be. She found her anger with a vengeance and set herself free of this terrible husband of a man. She cheated after he kicked her down for the last time.

Her mistake was cheating and thinking she was done with the marriage before seeing a lawyer or having him leave and stating the marriage was over. Now he wants to take advantage of her affair, to get as much as he can from this marriage he killed. She just reacted to his stupidity in a terrible and damaging way for her.

he keeps starting threads and a little more of his craziness keeps popping up. I have no idea where the guilt came from or if it is even real. His actions beg to differ iMO.

OP, I am not trying to bash you. You did all this. You killed it all. Please seek professional help and do it for your boy. Not for you or your soon to be X wife; first do it for him. He is going to need you. But he needs you healthy and sane. You are neither right now.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
I was fed up. Had started some new meds and made bad decisions and moved out. Was fed up for a lot of reasons, but not stuff that couldn't be fixed.

Her inability to pitch in around hr house with cooking cleaning ... anything. And she was a stay at home mom. She literally wouldn't do anything.

So I got fed up and left.

I cheated about 2.5 weeks after I separated. The. Came home 3 days after and confessed as my conscience wouldn't allow me to keep it going.

I went insane for a few weeks. It was all a huge mistake I wish I could take back.
How old are you guys?

It really does seem as though there is too much water under the bridge. Even if you could fix the cheating you both did, your wife is still a pot addict and will need to fix that as well. I actually thing that should be the first thing to be fixed as she is not in her right mind and my be a danger to your kid. It may just be after that you both co-parent.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-11-2017 at 08:46 PM.
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.
It's wrong but I would never call it's as bad. For lots the marriage is over as soon as the cheating happens. Marriage is the only contract were one party brakes the terms but people expect the other party to uphold the terms afterwords. That seems terribly unjust in my book. Once a contract is broken there is no contract, so I don't think it is the same thing. Plus usually the person who revenge cheats is acting out of trauma and do things they wouldn't do in their right mind. Though I do think revenge cheating is a bad idea because it really doesn't help. The person who does it ends up feeling worse many times. Better to just break up.

Anyway you don't get wanting to inflict pain against someone who inflicted pain on you? Have you ever been cheated on? Trust me the rage you feel is unlike anything you have ever felt before. At least it was for me. I have never been that angry before or since. It actually scared me.
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:56 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.
It's wrong but I would never call it's as bad. For lots the marriage is over as soon as the cheating happens. Marriage is the only contract were one party brakes the terms but people expect the other party to uphold the terms afterwords. That seems terribly unjust in my book. Once a contract is broken there is no contract, so I don't think it is the same thing. Plus usually the person who revenge cheats is acting out of trauma and do things they wouldn't do in their right mind. Though I do think revenge cheating is a bad idea because it really doesn't help. The person who does it ends up feeling worse many times. Better to just break up.

Anyway you don't get wanting to inflict pain against someone who inflicted pain on you? Have you ever been cheated on? Trust me the rage you feel is unlike anything you have ever felt before. At least it was for me. I have never been that angry before or since. It actually scared me.
I agree she was likely acting out of traumas. It was with an old friend of mine. I do not think for a second there were any feelings there, she was looking for attention and he's a scum bag that will bang anything that walks.

However, it does anger me that she thinks she has this morale high road and puts zero effort into the relationship. I keep the anger to myself as I am focused on proving myself. I have forgiven her actions and moved on. Again, my only goal is to be happy again and find what we used to have. We have had many happy times, but it seems hopeless those can return.
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:43 AM
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Re: How do you know...?

Saddad, you have messed up. I would suggest you take the focus of your WW for now, you have precipitated all of this and have to own it. Just because your wife was lazy doesn't make you entitled to go out and cheat for 3 days, I suspect you wanted to teach her a lesson, she was devastated, you got her where you wanted her then kicked her when she was down. This is a huge issue from a female's perspective, she is not emotionally safe with you obviously, so in her (ahem) 'wisdom' she decided to get you back.

you both sound young, how old are you?

Please leave the marriage aside for now

Go get some therapy for yourself and work on you first of all.

Let your wife do what she must do, but you have to sort out yourself with or without her.
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:15 AM
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Re: How do you know...?

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He didn't have the revenge affair, @Diana7, he started it when he left the marriage because he was fed up of her being lazy and doing none of the work a Stay at Home mom should do.

Once he found his new freedom, he didn't mean to cheat but he did. Wasn't repentant right away, but a couple of rumps later. Went home to lazy wife and confessed due to guilt. She was angry and forgave and finally started working on making their marriage real.

Then he hits her with the fact that the "spark" was gone from their relationship on his end. WTF, she was finally trying and had actively participated in the reconciliation process and it was still not enough for him. I suspect nothing would be. She found her anger with a vengeance and set herself free of this terrible husband of a man. She cheated after he kicked her down for the last time.

Her mistake was cheating and thinking she was done with the marriage before seeing a lawyer or having him leave and stating the marriage was over. Now he wants to take advantage of her affair, to get as much as he can from this marriage he killed. She just reacted to his stupidity in a terrible and damaging way for her.

he keeps starting threads and a little more of his craziness keeps popping up. I have no idea where the guilt came from or if it is even real. His actions beg to differ iMO.

OP, I am not trying to bash you. You did all this. You killed it all. Please seek professional help and do it for your boy. Not for you or your soon to be X wife; first do it for him. He is going to need you. But he needs you healthy and sane. You are neither right now.
He said his wife had a revenge affair because of his affair.
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