I can understand that an affair shatters a marriage, but I will never understand this 'revenge cheating'. You are then acting just as badly as the one who cheated first.
Its hard to heal and start again after affairs, its destroys so much of what marriage is.
He didn't have the revenge affair, @Diana7
, he started it when he left the marriage because he was fed up of her being lazy and doing none of the work a Stay at Home mom should do.
Once he found his new freedom, he didn't mean to cheat but he did. Wasn't repentant right away, but a couple of rumps later. Went home to lazy wife and confessed due to guilt. She was angry and forgave and finally started working on making their marriage real.
Then he hits her with the fact that the "spark" was gone from their relationship on his end. WTF, she was finally trying and had actively participated in the reconciliation process and it was still not enough for him. I suspect nothing would be. She found her anger with a vengeance and set herself free of this terrible husband of a man. She cheated after he kicked her down for the last time.
Her mistake was cheating and thinking she was done with the marriage before seeing a lawyer or having him leave and stating the marriage was over. Now he wants to take advantage of her affair, to get as much as he can from this marriage he killed. She just reacted to his stupidity in a terrible and damaging way for her.
he keeps starting threads and a little more of his craziness keeps popping up. I have no idea where the guilt came from or if it is even real. His actions beg to differ iMO.
OP, I am not trying to bash you. You did all this. You killed it all. Please seek professional help and do it for your boy. Not for you or your soon to be X wife; first do it for him. He is going to need you. But he needs you healthy and sane. You are neither right now.