How do you know...? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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How do you know...?

How do you know it's time to file?

Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.

We have been to 5 marriage counseling sessions so far. I don't think she is taking is very seriously, as she has done very little in terms of the home work or the instruction we have been given.

I looked at her phone and she had googled 'i don't think i love my husbandanymore'. Yesterday in therapy she told me she was no longer attracted to me and lost all respect for me.

I really want to make it work. But I can't read her or figure out the situation. She is so distant and virtually refuses to talk about it.

When is it time to pull the trigger? Very hesitant as we have a 9 year old, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I refuse to accept blame for mine and her affair. I refuse to do all of the work. I refuse to be the door mat and put in all of the effort while she sits around and does nothing. She is a stay at home mom and has done zero towards the house or any effort in normal duties.

Please help!

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
How do you know it's time to file?

Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.

We have been to 5 marriage counseling sessions so far. I don't think she is taking is very seriously, as she has done very little in terms of the home work or the instruction we have been given.

I looked at her phone and she had googled 'i don't think i love my husbandanymore'. Yesterday in therapy she told me she was no longer attracted to me and lost all respect for me.

I really want to make it work. But I can't read her or figure out the situation. She is so distant and virtually refuses to talk about it.

When is it time to pull the trigger? Very hesitant as we have a 9 year old, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I refuse to accept blame for mine and her affair. I refuse to do all of the work. I refuse to be the door mat and put in all of the effort while she sits around and does nothing. She is a stay at home mom and has done zero towards the house or any effort in normal duties.

Please help!
If she is not 100% invested in working it out and fully involved in the counseling the time is now.

The harder you work the further you will push her away.

Cancel the sessions and file for divorce.

Maybe then she will come around but i doubt it.
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

In situations like this, pressuring her to work it out is like pushing a rope.

Let her know you are done, cancel MC, and file.

When she complains about anything after that point, hold your hand up and say:

"Wife, discussions about our relationship are for people who are committed to making their marriage work. Your actions post-affair showed your level of commitment, therefore there is no point in having such discussions."

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

I've been holding out hoping for things to change for close to two years now, pretty much for the same reason, our 6 year old son. We tried counseling but after 3 sessions I could see she wasn't really there and a few days before the next session she told me she canceled it because she doesn't believe in it and thinks the exercises are silly. When I confronted her twice now about texts on her phone from other men, she was insistent that nothing was going on. When I asked for her to unlock her phone and show it to me both times she outright refused to.

I have gotten into the phone without her knowing and have found nothing other then texts with friends about how I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and even when I found the one text there was nothing else in the thread that was suggestive at all. A little flirty maybe but nothing really. Between going through her entire phone, computer, emails, texts, messaging apps, gpsing the car, VAR's, all of it of the past couple months, I have found nothing that points to a physical affair. But all the bizarre behavior, mood swings and the attitude towards me most times just don't make any sense.

I am very close to the point right now of filing myself, I have been basically saving filing for if or when I ever found solid proof, or when I just couldn't take anymore. I love my son more than everything in this world and it would kill me to leave, knowing that he'll grow up without me around every time or anytime he needs me, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
In situations like this, pressuring her to work it out is like pushing a rope.

Let her know you are done, cancel MC, and file.

When she complains about anything after that point, hold your hand up and say:

"Wife, discussions about our relationship are for people who are committed to making their marriage work. Your actions post-affair showed your level of commitment, therefore there is no point in having such discussions."
The therapist was pretty strong on me giving her space and time. Now the past 2 weeks he says it's time for her to start bridging the gap. Her homework the past 2 weeks has been to slowly give me affection and attention and allow talks and discussions. There has been virtually none (except a little last Friday when she had her sisters over and got a little drunk).

I'm so not ready to file, that's why I'm asking how do you know.

I know I started this (I cheated and moved out first, I didn't move out with the intention of cheating, but it happened). I have tried to reconcile, profusely apologized, I have changed many things, pitched in harder, worked all day, came home and cleaned the house, done many favors and extras for her, written her sweet notes, etc. Nothing works. The past week or so I have tried the '180' way and just been bare minimum, and that just seems to be pushing us further away.

It's like she expects me to keep up this super effort, while she does nothing. It's starting to feel like I am simply a slave. I just can't imagine breaking up my family. We have been married 10 years, have a 9 year, grew up together since we were 11. It's all very heart breaking to me. She completely blames me for her affair and says it was the 'nail in the coffin' of our marriage for her. But has since changed her mind and decided to 'try' to make it work. But this sure doesn't feel like trying.

So lost. GA has laws about alimony and infidelity, if I stay too long it could be considered condonement as well, so there is financial concerns involved. I know maybe I shouldn't think about that, but I have to have some semblance of self preservation as well.

I had some hope, but yesterday in our session whens he said she has lost all attraction for me, that was really a dagger to my heart. The counselor requested a solo session with her next week to work on her anger and 'icing' me out. Do I want and see if that has positive impact? Or say screw it and move on. I am a very successful person, and I don't think I'm half bad looking. It's not like I couldn't move on. But I just love her so damn much and made a terrible mistake.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

You decide on a date when you'll give up waiting for things to change. When that date comes, you file.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
I've been holding out hoping for things to change for close to two years now, pretty much for the same reason, our 6 year old son. We tried counseling but after 3 sessions I could see she wasn't really there and a few days before the next session she told me she canceled it because she doesn't believe in it and thinks the exercises are silly. When I confronted her twice now about texts on her phone from other men, she was insistent that nothing was going on. When I asked for her to unlock her phone and show it to me both times she outright refused to.

I have gotten into the phone without her knowing and have found nothing other then texts with friends about how I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and even when I found the one text there was nothing else in the thread that was suggestive at all. A little flirty maybe but nothing really. Between going through her entire phone, computer, emails, texts, messaging apps, gpsing the car, VAR's, all of it of the past couple months, I have found nothing that points to a physical affair. But all the bizarre behavior, mood swings and the attitude towards me most times just don't make any sense.

I am very close to the point right now of filing myself, I have been basically saving filing for if or when I ever found solid proof, or when I just couldn't take anymore. I love my son more than everything in this world and it would kill me to leave, knowing that he'll grow up without me around every time or anytime he needs me, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
That sucks man. Very tough situation. There is no doubt in my mind about this one. She was using the guise of being at her sisters or dad's house over the weekend for her part of the affair. She texted me and asked me to pick up our son from a spend the night on a Saturday. We got home, he got on the computer and called me in saying there was something weird on the computer. She had left up her facebook and was a half naked picture she had sent to the dude. It old Jack to leave the room. Found out it was going on for about 5 weeks, lots of meet ups, sexting, etc. I confronted her, and she immediately lashed out at me. Within 30 minutes she was crying, apologizing/begging etc. We had an ok day that day after that, then I caught her in another lie and got mad. Ever since then, it has been awful with zero improvement, affection, feelings, connections, nothing. That was about 2 months ago or so?

I can deal with anger. I can deal with hurt. But I can't deal with her acting like I MADE her have an affair and her explaining it away as 'I started it'. I can't deal with ZERO effort. I don't care what the counselor says. I am her husband of 10 years. She can't just completely ignore me and act like I don't exist 99% of the time like she does. She has also gotten extremely heavily into pot. She has always smoked it, but lately it's 10-12 times a day constantly and perpetually high. I don't have a problem with pot, but that is an extreme, wake up smoke it, and smoke it every hour.

ugh, what a pickle I am in. Good luck with your situation. Maybe you are just being paranoid? But a spouse that refuses to unlock her phone after you have caught her with some questionable texts is a little bit of a red flag for me. My wife also, even after the affair, is weird about transparency. In fact, after I found out, she had texted the dude and apologized, saying I found out before (what I assume) ceasing contact and blocking him on Facebook.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

To some people cheating is a deal breaker. She pretty much has shown you that. You are taking her punishment to see when she has had enough and finally forgive you. It will not happen. She was done with you the minute she found out you cheated.

She is living life as if she were single while having a baby sitter/maid at home for free.

Divorce now. I have no idea why you think you can wait this out. You want to redeem your trespasses with over doing yourself at home with chores and taking care of things. Maids don't make good husbands dude, they just clean up the mess everyone makes.

Stop this, it is useless. Put a fork in it, this marriage is done!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know...?

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To some people cheating is a deal breaker. She pretty much has shown you that. You are taking her punishment to see when she has had enough and finally forgive you. It will not happen. She was done with you the minute she found out you cheated.

She is living life as if she were single while having a baby sitter/maid at home for free.

Divorce now. I have no idea why you think you can wait this out. You want to redeem your trespasses with over doing yourself at home with chores and taking care of things. Maids don't make good husbands dude, they just clean up the mess everyone makes.

Stop this, it is useless. Put a fork in it, this marriage is done!
When I first told her, she was angry, but very willing to get past it. We had a few good days, then I started to feel a lot of guilt and shame and sort of shut down. I think that got to her. After about 4 weeks of that, she planned a trip for us. We went, had a good time. Lots of fun and sex. On the way down the mountain, I, stupidly, made a comment that I feel like we have lost our spark and fallen out of love and need to keep trying to rekindle and find it. She took that comment as 'I don't love you anymore'. And 2 days later she started her affair.

She also has a tendency to 'ice' people out while she's angry. She didn't talk to her sister for over a year over a spat, now they're fine. They didn't talk to her mom for a few years over some drama. That is what she's doing to me at the moment. She says she's 'numb inside' and 'doesn't feel anything' or 'doesn't know how she's feeling or what she wants.' etc etc.

I hold on to hope because I know we love each other. We just ****ed up, both of us. But I don't know if I can handle her 'icing' period for much longer. It's degrading and borderline abusive (it might not even be borderline, it feels like emotional abuse). I grow weary of doubt, crying, and depression all the time over this. Ugh.
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post

We just ****ed up, both of us.
I totally agree with this. When you cheat, you are the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. It looks like she was the one doing most of the work and then you gave her an "F" for effort with the idiotic talk about "needing to get that spark back"

You needed to get that spark back, you cheated and that turned everything upside down. She took you back and you did it again. You kicked her when she was down.

Well, she ain't down anymore. You are on the verge of giving up now. How does it feel being down in the muck? Not good right. She is done!

Regardless of how bad the marriage was, you killed it with the coming down the mountain moment of needing that darn spark back.

You finished pushing in that nail with the last hammering part.

You made this bed, you now must lye in it.

Sorry dude; there is no coming back from this. It's over. You are the only one that doesn't see it.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know...?

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I totally agree with this. When you cheat, you are the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. It looks like she was the one doing most of the work and then you gave her an "F" for effort with the idiotic talk about "needing to get that spark back"

You needed to get that spark back, you cheated and that turned everything upside down. She took you back and you did it again. You kicked her when she was down.

Well, she ain't down anymore. You are on the verge of giving up now. How does it feel being down in the muck? Not good right. She is done!

Regardless of how bad the marriage was, you killed it with the coming down the mountain moment of needing that darn spark back.

You finished pushing in that nail with the last hammering part.

You made this bed, you now must lye in it.

Sorry dude; there is no coming back from this. It's over. You are the only one that doesn't see it.
No No, I think you have the timeline mixed up. I didn't cheat after that. She did.
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know...?

So basic timeline:

I moved out 4 months ago: cheated after a few weeks gone, immediately confessed and came home, was gone a total of 2.5 weeks. Cheating only lasted a 3 days.

A few weeks later, we went on our trip, I said the stupid **** about wanting to find the spark back

2 days later she cheated for 5 weeks

Now here we are
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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No No, I think you have the timeline mixed up. I didn't cheat after that. She did.
Sadly, No I don't. You think her cheating takes away from you leaving the first time and you didn't mean to cheat but you did. Several nights as per you stated right? You cam back home and confessed. She was initially angry which is understandable. She tried to do things to show you she was invested in the marriage. The trip was one of those tries. What did you do at the end of the trip?

You gave her a score of an "F" with your "spark missing" crapola.

You kicked her down again. She got really angry and all bets were off. She was done right then and there dude!

The cheating was done once she decided to burn all bridges. There is no more path to get to a happy marriage. That is burned to a crisp.

That was my mentality when my X broke the no contact rule with his affair partner. I was angry, I was done. I filed and took everything I could from the SOB! I then proceeded with my life like if I was single because I was.

Paperwork was not even ready when I went off and sowed my oats. Anger is a great propeller to moving forward at full speed dude. She is doing the exact same thing, except she is less emotional and romantic about it. She wants you to grovel at her feet so she can step on you.

It's up to you how long you want to be there. She will not change. I can't emphasize this enough: She is done!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.

Last edited by Bibi1031; 04-11-2017 at 03:00 PM.
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: How do you know...?

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Originally Posted by Saddad44 View Post
How do you know it's time to file?

Long story short - we both had affairs. She doesn't seem very remorseful. Has completely disconnected. Barely talks to me. Zero attention, affection, care, respect, etc.

We have been to 5 marriage counseling sessions so far. I don't think she is taking is very seriously, as she has done very little in terms of the home work or the instruction we have been given.

I looked at her phone and she had googled 'i don't think i love my husbandanymore'. Yesterday in therapy she told me she was no longer attracted to me and lost all respect for me.

I really want to make it work. But I can't read her or figure out the situation. She is so distant and virtually refuses to talk about it.

When is it time to pull the trigger? Very hesitant as we have a 9 year old, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I refuse to accept blame for mine and her affair. I refuse to do all of the work. I refuse to be the door mat and put in all of the effort while she sits around and does nothing. She is a stay at home mom and has done zero towards the house or any effort in normal duties.

Please help!
Who cheated first?

If there was a better list of signs that your marriage is over I haven't seen it. You pretty much covered all of them.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know...?

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Who cheated first?

If there was a better list of signs that your marriage is over I haven't seen it. You pretty much covered all of them.
I moved out and cheated first. She then 'revenge' cheated while we were 'working it out'.
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