everything is all my fault of course - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

let me just clarify for everybody that me not working outside the home is only temporary, i am very, very ready to get back to work, it's just not smart financially right now.

this is the first time i've not had a job since i was 16, i believe mom and dad work, money gets saved, vacations get taken and you enjoy life. that's how i grew up.

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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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I agree with this poster. A couple works on the marriage for everyone in the marriage. You took the old roles that worked in the past to heart. You are not all that different than his parents were. Maybe I am wrong and you haven't posted everything here. You are using him that is why you tolerated his grumpiness. He gave you a roof, food, a home and a child. Then, he also gave you the freedom to go back to school.

Once you are done with school, you will leave him to fend for himself and you and your little girl will make a new life with better options. You honestly used him too. He used you to free himself of his parents and you used him to make a better future for yourself and your baby.

You both served a purpose when you joined each other's lives. The marriage is now pretty much over. It was a marriage of convenience for both of you and once both of you get what you initially wanted from one another, that marriage did what it was designed to do for both of you.

There is no more love left for either one of you, because your "love" of each other was temporary just like the marriage should be.
i DONT want to leave him, i want us to be the power couple we once were, we BOTH made money and enjoyed life together, times got hard and he begin blaming me for it all.

i'm gonna finish school get a job and that can be with him as my husband or not but that is gonna happen regardless. i've never used my husband, i lived alone when we met and he lived with his brother, i fully took care of myself working full time and part time.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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You're in a situation almost like limbo and sharing a home is your only recourse at present. You've made your thoughts clear to him and like aine previously mentioned you can't change him or find his own inner happiness for him. That is something he needs to do for himself. You may find doing some of the 180 helpful,if only to help you disengage and find your own footing independent of him. The Healing Heart: The 180

You are 100% correct... life does go on. Our choices however can dictate the quality and happiness of it. Make the right choices for you and your little one.
wow i've never heard of 180 but after reading it, it is exactly what i've been doing this week! that was a wonderful read, thanx for the rec.
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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i DONT want to leave him, i want us to be the power couple we once were, we BOTH made money and enjoyed life together, times got hard and he begin blaming me for it all.
Now I am confused. You stated the love was gone on your side. You are not a power couple if you don't work and he barely makes ends meet. That may not happen again. The love may never come back again either. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold and let go.

You can find another partner that is a better match at being a power couple with you. He has fallen behind. You were brought up to fall, get up and dust off. You are still doing this, with his help for now. He is not following your pace. He can't. You two are not compatible, you probably never were.

Not all marriages are til death due us part. In fact, the majority can't be that way because it's not the norm but the exception IMO.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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wow i've never heard of 180 but after reading it, it is exactly what i've been doing this week! that was a wonderful read, thanx for the rec.
I definitely think that you need to pull back a bit and stop doing some of these things for him. Do you feel more like a mother to him than a wife?

You said that he lacks ambition. Is that the same thing as lazy? And how does that make you feel admitting that he's lazy? I know I'd be really resentful and wouldn't have any respect.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Now I am confused. You stated the love was gone on your side. You are not a power couple if you don't work and he barely makes ends meet. That may not happen again. The love may never come back again either. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold and let go.



You can find another partner that is a better match at being a power couple with you. He has fallen behind. You were brought up to fall, get up and dust off. You are still doing this, with his help for now. He is not following your pace. He can't. You two are not compatible, you probably never were.



Not all marriages are til death due us part. In fact, the majority can't be that way because it's not the norm but the exception IMO.

i'm open to anything, i feel nothing is permanent, i'm not in love at the moment but if he gets it together we can work it out cuz i still love and care for him, i know this bcuz i still want to sit and watch tv with him, i still like to go sit by the lake and enjoy each other, i still have the DESIRE to make it work with him but my wanting so much internal happiness for him may be doing more damage to my own happiness.
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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I definitely think that you need to pull back a bit and stop doing some of these things for him. Do you feel more like a mother to him than a wife?



You said that he lacks ambition. Is that the same thing as lazy? And how does that make you feel admitting that he's lazy? I know I'd be really resentful and wouldn't have any respect.


i joke with my mom all the time and say i am a mother to a toddler and a surely teenager that i have to do everything for, even make sure he wakes up on time in the am when he does have work.

i'm a caregiver at heart so it doesn't make me resentful bcuz i enjoy taking care of people esp him and our daughter but it makes me angry that with all i do all i get is grumpiness from him. i just want him smile and enjoy being us, all the money issues will fix themselves once we both get back to being normal full time working americans.

at least that's was my brain tells me.
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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i'm open to anything, i feel nothing is permanent, i'm not in love at the moment but if he gets it together we can work it out cuz i still love and care for him, i know this bcuz i still want to sit and watch tv with him, i still like to go sit by the lake and enjoy each other, i still have the DESIRE to make it work with him but my wanting so much internal happiness for him may be doing more damage to my own happiness.
Spot on on the bold part. Sometimes, you just gotta save yourself. You have a child to think about now too.

There is no right or wrong answer really, just life choices. You didn't cheat and you are still there trying, but you have to live a happy fulfilled life too. Living apart forever may be the only choice you will ultimately have.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
Spot on on the bold part. Sometimes, you just gotta save yourself. You have a child to think about now too.



There is no right or wrong answer really, just life choices. You didn't cheat and you are still there trying, but you have to live a happy fulfilled life too. Living apart forever may be the only choice you will ultimately have.


i really appreciate all your help.
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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i joke with my mom all the time and say i am a mother to a toddler and a surely teenager that i have to do everything for, even make sure he wakes up on time in the am when he does have work.

i'm a caregiver at heart so it doesn't make me resentful bcuz i enjoy taking care of people esp him and our daughter but it makes me angry that with all i do all i get is grumpiness from him. i just want him smile and enjoy being us, all the money issues will fix themselves once we both get back to being normal full time working americans.

at least that's was my brain tells me.
There's a point though where you cross a line from being a nurturer to being an enabler. It bothers you that he's not ambitious yet you're enabling that very behavior. Scale back on what you're doing for him. While it may make you feel good, it's actually hurting his growth.

Does the weight bother you?

Welcome to TAM, btw


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
There's a point though where you cross a line from being a nurturer to being an enabler. It bothers you that he's not ambitious yet you're enabling that very behavior. Scale back on what you're doing for him. While it may make you feel good, it's actually hurting his growth.



Does the weight bother you?



Welcome to TAM, btw


not at all i'm considered a women with curves so i like a man with some meat as well. he weighs about 430lbs now but in high school when i used to crush on him from afar he was about 250-275 and that is really more my type but none of that really matters, i've never really been very vain.

enabling is a VERY good point, i never looked at it that way but each time i try to make him do his own things i feel bad, idk.
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

Since you are in the counseling sector, I'm sure you'll take this as the third-person observation it's intended to be.

In your posting, you labeled him a "whimp" and basically described his reasons for marrying you as basically using you...to get out from under his family, etc.

So, what were your reasons for marrying him? What appealed? Do you still see that in him? I ask these questions because at some point, you need to be able to articulate what it is you want that you are not currently getting - and it is probably related to something you thought you were getting back then but aren't now.

I'll comment on one thing you said - you nag him for not showing ambition. Two things there - "ambition" is a vague word unless you very specifically identify what you mean by it. If "ambition" means attempting to earn more money, then to him it will sound no different than being nagged about not earning enough - the result is the same. Secondly - nagging. Just don't. Nagging people, blaming them (or accepting blame), giving them orders and ultimatums (do this or I'm filing) just don't work...the statistics are out there...IIRC the Love Lab gave a marriage only a 5% chance of lasting 5 years (based on actual statistics from 100,000 or so couples) if either party nags, blames, etc.

On the money side of things, in my two longest-term relationships, the way we resolved money problems was to figure out how spend a lot less. It's always possible.

Best of luck.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 06:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Since you are in the counseling sector, I'm sure you'll take this as the third-person observation it's intended to be.

In your posting, you labeled him a "whimp" and basically described his reasons for marrying you as basically using you...to get out from under his family, etc.

So, what were your reasons for marrying him? What appealed? Do you still see that in him? I ask these questions because at some point, you need to be able to articulate what it is you want that you are not currently getting - and it is probably related to something you thought you were getting back then but aren't now.

I'll comment on one thing you said - you nag him for not showing ambition. Two things there - "ambition" is a vague word unless you very specifically identify what you mean by it. If "ambition" means attempting to earn more money, then to him it will sound no different than being nagged about not earning enough - the result is the same. Secondly - nagging. Just don't. Nagging people, blaming them (or accepting blame), giving them orders and ultimatums (do this or I'm filing) just don't work...the statistics are out there...IIRC the Love Lab gave a marriage only a 5% chance of lasting 5 years (based on actual statistics from 100,000 or so couples) if either party nags, blames, etc.

On the money side of things, in my two longest-term relationships, the way we resolved money problems was to figure out how spend a lot less. It's always possible.

Best of luck.
i agree with the naggin and i'm honestly working on it.

when i say ambition i simply mean when there is no work on thursday at his construction job then call the delivery place and see if they have a few loads you can run for them today, you know odd fill in jobs on days he not getting hours at his main job.

i once worked a full time job and two part time jobs and the only heartbeats depending on my income was mine and my puppies. i do what is needed to make sure business is taken care of and im not seeing the same in him even after i sat and talked with him about these things in june of 2016 and nov of 2016, i checked with the delivery companies and they said yes they could use a drop in person for unexpected delivers so i don't understand why he hasn't done it, i even mentioned driving for uber, he has an active cdl with hazmat and tanker endorsements so his job options are almost endless as things will always need to be driven and delivered places but he says he's not a truck driver and he's not doing that.
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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also i've been responsible for finding him a job, i do everything that can be done online and he shows up for the interviews and drug tests. i'll be handing that responsibility back to him.
I think you have enabled him long enough. There comes a point where enough is enough, he is not a teenage boy who has gone of the rails, he is a grown ass man, with a wife and kids. Time he stepped up to the plate and did something with his life, the longer you do everything for him the longer it will be before he does anything for himself, further, he doesn't even appreciate what you do. Time to exercise tough love, God nor anyone else asked you to be a doormat.
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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when i say ambition i simply mean when there is no work on thursday at his construction job then call the delivery place and see if they have a few loads you can run for them today, you know odd fill in jobs on days he not getting hours at his main job.
As I see it, then, this definition of "ambition" is about bringing in more money. It's not about improving one's self, connecting more strongly to community, learning a new skill. He'll see it this way too - there's nothing "self actualizing" about making deliveries, it's the kind of thing you do only for more money.

Money really isn't a very good motivator, as shown by countless studies over the years.

"Ambition" is a word usually used for a higher cause than mere materialism.

It seems what you want isn't "ambition", it's an easier family budget to balance. Nothing wrong with that goal, but equating it to "ambition" will come across to many as disingenuous.

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i once worked a full time job and two part time jobs and the only heartbeats depending on my income was mine and my puppies. i do what is needed to make sure business is taken care of and im not seeing the same in him even after i sat and talked with him about these things in june of 2016 and nov of 2016, i checked with the delivery companies and they said yes they could use a drop in person for unexpected delivers so i don't understand why he hasn't done it, i even mentioned driving for uber, he has an active cdl with hazmat and tanker endorsements so his job options are almost endless as things will always need to be driven and delivered places but he says he's not a truck driver and he's not doing that.
This entire paragraph makes it sound as if you need him to be the same person as you. That never works. Everybody is different; a strong relationship comes from honoring and respecting our differences. He isn't you. He never will be. Comparing yourself to him only demeans him.

Find another way...maybe instead of telling him what to do, ask him what motivates him. "If you're not a truck driver, what are you?" If it's construction, maybe he can find a smaller company that needs part-timers from time to time. Speak to what motivates him - not what motivates you. The only way to get someone on your side is to first move to their side and then show them the pathway over.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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