everything is all my fault of course - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

From your post it seems that you two should not be married. Marriage should not be hard and your weeks filled with visits to a MC or infidelity worries. I read some of the posts here and ask myself, why do they even ask about their marriage when it sounds like a train wreck already. There is a saying, it is time to cut bait and run. You are entitled to a happy life and no way are you going to get that in your marriage. Counselling is often a stepping stone to avoid the harsh truth that you two should divorce. You think that maybe if you change or he changes, life will be great. Adults do not change their basic nature and people who cheat tend to keep on cheating. I know that from my own experience and that of others I have known. It really sounds like your marriage is a coffin and you are just putting the nails in one at a time and very slowly at that. Sorry but your marriage is unlike any I know of with my friends, even the ones who divorced. Way too much effort is required and you are getting nowhere.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #32 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Originally Posted by trapsoul View Post
wow i've never heard of 180 but after reading it, it is exactly what i've been doing this week! that was a wonderful read, thanx for the rec.
Did you read what that 180 is for? It for a betrayed spouse to do until their wayward spouse agrees to stop the affair and work on recovering their marriage.

Now I do think that that your husband is cheating with EAs (emotional affairs) at the very least. While you might think he would never physically cheat, you are not being realistic. The thing about EAs is that many end up transitioning into PAs (physical affairs). The reason is that the EA makes a person feel good, really good. It causes the brain to make and uptake a lot of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. They become bonded and fall in love with their EA partner.

The fact that he is now treating you as though he does not like you is a huge pointer to him being attached to another woman. It is a very common sign of an affair.

Where does he meet these women that he 'talks to'?
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post #33 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Where does he meet these women that he 'talks to'?
old classmates/family friends, i either know them or of them, we grew up in a 'small' city.
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post #34 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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As I see it, then, this definition of "ambition" is about bringing in more money. It's not about improving one's self, connecting more strongly to community, learning a new skill. He'll see it this way too - there's nothing "self actualizing" about making deliveries, it's the kind of thing you do only for more money.

Money really isn't a very good motivator, as shown by countless studies over the years.

"Ambition" is a word usually used for a higher cause than mere materialism.

It seems what you want isn't "ambition", it's an easier family budget to balance. Nothing wrong with that goal, but equating it to "ambition" will come across to many as disingenuous.



This entire paragraph makes it sound as if you need him to be the same person as you. That never works. Everybody is different; a strong relationship comes from honoring and respecting our differences. He isn't you. He never will be. Comparing yourself to him only demeans him.

Find another way...maybe instead of telling him what to do, ask him what motivates him. "If you're not a truck driver, what are you?" If it's construction, maybe he can find a smaller company that needs part-timers from time to time. Speak to what motivates him - not what motivates you. The only way to get someone on your side is to first move to their side and then show them the pathway over.
first i want to say thank you so much for this advice.

you're right he's not me, i guess i just expected him to be and those are things in myself i must work on, which is why i don't want to just give up, we are both still young and have time to get this right, i just don't know how.
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post #35 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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first i want to say thank you so much for this advice.

you're right he's not me, i guess i just expected him to be and those are things in myself i must work on, which is why i don't want to just give up, we are both still young and have time to get this right, i just don't know how.
I think that's quite insightful - you want to make things better and are willing to admit you don't know how. It's very hard to see what is going on when you're one of the participants. I used to think I was pretty good at relastionships - after all, for 30 years, my managers routinely sent me in to solve people problems. But seeing people interact when you're an outsider is WAY different.

When my wife and I started seeing a counselor, the counselor was able to show me many parts of my approach that could be better.

BTW, that's another thing I've realized - absolutes, like "good", "bad", "right", "wrong" - usually don't help...they end up making one or the other person feel guilty, which is one of those unpleasant emotions that does not compel one to action. So, I'd tend to set a goal of "doing better" instead of "getting it right". I've never gotten anything right in life, but I still consider myself a success.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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