everything is all my fault of course
im gonna make this very long story as short as possible.
my husband has been grumpy and rude since i met him, when we met he was making good money and being used by everyone around him, mainly his parents, when i came along everybody hated me (and still does) cuz as our relationship grew he foscused on me more and less on them, which meant no more free money. he's always been a little whimp when it came to his parents and standing up to them, he heavily used me as an outlet to get from up under their control, they didn't come to the wedding and that night his mom tried to physically jump on me. well he got laid off that good paying job 2 yrs ago and his moodiness gotten worse.
the last 2 yrs since he's lost that job, we've had a baby and im a SAHM, i've have completely deleted his parents out of my life after many attempts to reconcile, they have only seen our daughter twice, with my husband, i don't communicate with them at all but he does. it would take me all day to list the things they have said and done disrespectful to me personally.
we began couples and individual counseling in Oct 2012 (married in April 2013, we met in 2009) and have since been to 3 different counselors (due to ins changes). his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it. he's never truly stood up to them when it comes to the way they have treated me or him. we live in the south but my mom is from the bay and she's much more open minded than these southern bible thumpers and i got my free mind from her. his dad also has a permanent mistress, so it's wasn't really a happy home.
i'm just a regular woman/wife, i cook, clean, make sure all the business is handled and i take care of the baby plus i'm in school full time, my husband is not making enough money to make ends meet right now but i'm very resourceful so i make it work but i just feel like he is blaming everything on my right now. everything is my fault even down to the most petty things like who ate all the peanut butter, i despise peanut butter so how could it possibly be my fault there isn't enough in the jar for a sandwich? i mean EVERYTHING!
infidelity has been issues in the past on an emotional level, back then i was devastated but now i'm just like if having 'venting' convo with another woman will help you be less moody/grumpy to me then go for it. i'm a social worker/substance abuse counselor so i know people need a healthy outlet, i honestly personally don't think he's ever gotten physical with anyone, so i'm not really concerned about that. he only has like two male friends that he barely talks to. he's not really a talking guy until he gets pissed then he wants to scream, which brings me to why i'm writing this:
i suffered from ppd after having the baby so i got real sensitive, which is unlike me bcuz my mouth is real truthful and sarcastic and just as i can dish it i love to take it but things def shifted after giving birth, i cry a lot now days and around the holidays i was seriously thinking about checking into a rehab facility but i couldn't stand the thought of leaving my baby. i'm staring to think maybe i'm not losing my mind, maybe i've let this man and his family kill my self worth. we have always had a very temperous type of relationship and ive always wished he was more nice but it never made me sad like this.
sex has been a struggle since around 2011, he always acted like it no matter how long we went it was never enough, which turned me waaaaay off, he watches a lot of porn and masturbates almost daily, we don't sleep in the same bed bcuz he hates wearing his machine and he snores so loud that i can hear him thru the wall as i'm typing this.
a few more tidbits, he's the guy i feel in love with when he's intoxicated, which is not very often, i talk/ramble a lot, always have, but now i feel like he hates the sound of my voice, i just feel like he hates everything about me. he's 400+ lbs and i mention that only to say this, when i met him and told him he seemed grumpy all the time he told me everyone tells him that, from work to home to friends, and initially i thought he was depressed due to his weight. i'm 32 he'll be turning 31 next month.
everything i've told you, i've told him, i'm VERY open with my feelings, sometimes maybe a little to open. he knows i'm considering leaving, he knows if i do leave it won't be in hast cuz the only person that will suffer from that will be the baby. i want us to get finically set after i get back to work before we actually try to separate houses. he is very aware i'm considering preparing to end this marriage. we are currently kind of in a 'in house' separation type of marriage, neither of us has the means to move around just yet.
any advice? i'm no longer in love with him but i still love and care for him and either way i'm fine, we can make it work or we can split, i'm no fool i know life goes on and eventually things get settled and a new normal begins. but i think he's given up and i feel it's unfair to me bcuz he claims i'm one with the problem and he's fine, i seriously feel like i'm in the twilight zone.
the fact that you read this post means the world to me, i just joined but i've lurked for about 2 wks and i'd like to become active on this board bcuz just as i need advice i know others do as well, i hope to help where i can.
Last edited by trapsoul; 04-14-2017 at 06:26 AM.