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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 05:51 AM Thread Starter
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everything is all my fault of course

im gonna make this very long story as short as possible.



my husband has been grumpy and rude since i met him, when we met he was making good money and being used by everyone around him, mainly his parents, when i came along everybody hated me (and still does) cuz as our relationship grew he foscused on me more and less on them, which meant no more free money. he's always been a little whimp when it came to his parents and standing up to them, he heavily used me as an outlet to get from up under their control, they didn't come to the wedding and that night his mom tried to physically jump on me. well he got laid off that good paying job 2 yrs ago and his moodiness gotten worse.



the last 2 yrs since he's lost that job, we've had a baby and im a SAHM, i've have completely deleted his parents out of my life after many attempts to reconcile, they have only seen our daughter twice, with my husband, i don't communicate with them at all but he does. it would take me all day to list the things they have said and done disrespectful to me personally.



we began couples and individual counseling in Oct 2012 (married in April 2013, we met in 2009) and have since been to 3 different counselors (due to ins changes). his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it. he's never truly stood up to them when it comes to the way they have treated me or him. we live in the south but my mom is from the bay and she's much more open minded than these southern bible thumpers and i got my free mind from her. his dad also has a permanent mistress, so it's wasn't really a happy home.



i'm just a regular woman/wife, i cook, clean, make sure all the business is handled and i take care of the baby plus i'm in school full time, my husband is not making enough money to make ends meet right now but i'm very resourceful so i make it work but i just feel like he is blaming everything on my right now. everything is my fault even down to the most petty things like who ate all the peanut butter, i despise peanut butter so how could it possibly be my fault there isn't enough in the jar for a sandwich? i mean EVERYTHING!



infidelity has been issues in the past on an emotional level, back then i was devastated but now i'm just like if having 'venting' convo with another woman will help you be less moody/grumpy to me then go for it. i'm a social worker/substance abuse counselor so i know people need a healthy outlet, i honestly personally don't think he's ever gotten physical with anyone, so i'm not really concerned about that. he only has like two male friends that he barely talks to. he's not really a talking guy until he gets pissed then he wants to scream, which brings me to why i'm writing this:



i suffered from ppd after having the baby so i got real sensitive, which is unlike me bcuz my mouth is real truthful and sarcastic and just as i can dish it i love to take it but things def shifted after giving birth, i cry a lot now days and around the holidays i was seriously thinking about checking into a rehab facility but i couldn't stand the thought of leaving my baby. i'm staring to think maybe i'm not losing my mind, maybe i've let this man and his family kill my self worth. we have always had a very temperous type of relationship and ive always wished he was more nice but it never made me sad like this.



sex has been a struggle since around 2011, he always acted like it no matter how long we went it was never enough, which turned me waaaaay off, he watches a lot of porn and masturbates almost daily, we don't sleep in the same bed bcuz he hates wearing his machine and he snores so loud that i can hear him thru the wall as i'm typing this.



a few more tidbits, he's the guy i feel in love with when he's intoxicated, which is not very often, i talk/ramble a lot, always have, but now i feel like he hates the sound of my voice, i just feel like he hates everything about me. he's 400+ lbs and i mention that only to say this, when i met him and told him he seemed grumpy all the time he told me everyone tells him that, from work to home to friends, and initially i thought he was depressed due to his weight. i'm 32 he'll be turning 31 next month.



everything i've told you, i've told him, i'm VERY open with my feelings, sometimes maybe a little to open. he knows i'm considering leaving, he knows if i do leave it won't be in hast cuz the only person that will suffer from that will be the baby. i want us to get finically set after i get back to work before we actually try to separate houses. he is very aware i'm considering preparing to end this marriage. we are currently kind of in a 'in house' separation type of marriage, neither of us has the means to move around just yet.



any advice? i'm no longer in love with him but i still love and care for him and either way i'm fine, we can make it work or we can split, i'm no fool i know life goes on and eventually things get settled and a new normal begins. but i think he's given up and i feel it's unfair to me bcuz he claims i'm one with the problem and he's fine, i seriously feel like i'm in the twilight zone.



the fact that you read this post means the world to me, i just joined but i've lurked for about 2 wks and i'd like to become active on this board bcuz just as i need advice i know others do as well, i hope to help where i can.


Last edited by trapsoul; 04-14-2017 at 06:26 AM.
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 06:02 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

No spouse is ultimately responsible for anothers happiness. We make choices either to remove ourselves from a bad situation or stay in that situation. Your H obviously has issues

1. with his family - control by his parents
2. Infidelity ( I assume he cheated you are not clear here)
3. Emotionally abusing you

Only he has the power to change his own circumstances, his weight, his joblessness, his grumpiness, his relationship with his parents, etc. This is not your responsibility. He has no right to blame you for his own stuff. You must tell him this, time he got off his butt and did something about it such as getting IC, going to a gym etc.

As for you, please look after yourself, get some IC, get yourself a job and make plans to move. Do not be guilty about your H, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. You appear to have already held things together for a long time, time to move on. Get away from the abuse and get a normal life, it is better for your kid too.
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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 06:34 AM Thread Starter
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everything is all my fault of course

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No spouse is ultimately responsible for anothers happiness. We make choices either to remove ourselves from a bad situation or stay in that situation. Your H obviously has issues



1. with his family - control by his parents

2. Infidelity ( I assume he cheated you are not clear here)

3. Emotionally abusing you



Only he has the power to change his own circumstances, his weight, his joblessness, his grumpiness, his relationship with his parents, etc. This is not your responsibility. He has no right to blame you for his own stuff. You must tell him this, time he got off his butt and did something about it such as getting IC, going to a gym etc.



As for you, please look after yourself, get some IC, get yourself a job and make plans to move. Do not be guilty about your H, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. You appear to have already held things together for a long time, time to move on. Get away from the abuse and get a normal life, it is better for your kid too.


thanx for the advice, and to clarify, i considered what he did as cheating bcuz i thought we were being 100% loyal to each other, we weren't supposed to be having outside convo with random people of the opposite sex, (non family and family friends i mean) and he was and i caught him, so i felt betrayed but a few people i consoled with at the time told me it wasn't really cheating since nothing physical happened but i felt it was.

and it's so funny that you say responsible for his happiness, most of our counseling sessions were me trying to get him to be more open and more of a happy person, i once said in a session, 'i feel like i'm spending all my time trying to help him figure out how to be a happy person that i've completed neglected myself." the counselor wasn't very happy to hear that.

i used to schedule private sessions for him and i would tell him, "you don't have to talk to me but please talk to someone, it will make you feel much better." in hopes he'd be happier at home to me.

Last edited by trapsoul; 04-14-2017 at 06:43 AM.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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everything is all my fault of course

also i've been responsible for finding him a job, i do everything that can be done online and he shows up for the interviews and drug tests. i'll be handing that responsibility back to him.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

@trapsoul First of all,welcome to TAM. Just curious to know what your husband's 'saving grace' was if when you first met him you found,and continued to find him,grumpy and rude. Why push on in that type of relationship?

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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@trapsoul First of all,welcome to TAM. Just curious to know what your husband's 'saving grace' was if when you first met him you found,and continued to find him,grumpy and rude. Why push on in that type of relationship?
because of the way he was raised he has the kindest heart and will give u the shirt off his back, we enjoyed taking trips and spending private time together, i used to always tell him smile whenever we would be out cuz he always looks so mean.
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

"his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it."

This to me is about your very different learning experiences. You made your own choices and faced consequences when they were unacceptable. Instills the understanding of personal responsibility. Him,not so much and more of a placating manner,especially when it comes to his parents. It could be where his largesse with them and others comes from and if he's not working/well paid,then he's denied a major coping tool. jmo

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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"his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it."

This to me is about your very different learning experiences. You made your own choices and faced consequences when they were unacceptable. Instills the understanding of personal responsibility. Him,not so much and more of a placating manner,especially when it comes to his parents. It could be where his largesse with them and others comes from and if he's not working/well paid,then he's denied a major coping tool. jmo
your right, when we were dating, i used to tell him i could tell when his bank account got low bcuz he got real moody.
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

Yes, his communication with other women IS cheating, dont let people tell you otherwise. From what you have described about your H, he is lucky to have woman who has loved him at all, honestly. You cannot change who or how he is. It is clear that he is not happy with himself, but he is the only who can fix it. It sounds like you have made efforts to improve things, now you just need to focus on yourself again. Work on getting things lined up so that you can be on your own.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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i'm no longer in love with him but i still love and care for him and either way i'm fine, we can make it work or we can split, i'm no fool i know life goes on and eventually things get settled and a new normal begins. but i think he's given up and i feel it's unfair to me bcuz he claims i'm one with the problem and he's fine, i seriously feel like i'm in the twilight zone.
You're in a situation almost like limbo and sharing a home is your only recourse at present. You've made your thoughts clear to him and like aine previously mentioned you can't change him or find his own inner happiness for him. That is something he needs to do for himself. You may find doing some of the 180 helpful,if only to help you disengage and find your own footing independent of him. The Healing Heart: The 180

You are 100% correct... life does go on. Our choices however can dictate the quality and happiness of it. Make the right choices for you and your little one.


"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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also i've been responsible for finding him a job, i do everything that can be done online and he shows up for the interviews and drug tests. i'll be handing that responsibility back to him.
A couple things here. He is NOT responsible for making a living, you BOTH are responsible for that. You shouldn't be a SAHM, if the family is having problems financially, you should try to pitch in and get a job. You really sound lot like my wife who thinks she has no responsibilities to family other than making meals and cleaning the house, which she doesn't do. I can certainly see why your H is grumpy and upset, you make him that way. I think it's time for you to start taking on some sort of financial responsibilities and not leave it all to him.

It seems that you started not being happy with your H when he lost his job. For you, the free ride was over and it was time to get all depressed. Life isn't a free ride, you have responsibilities to the family. Like it or not, you getting back to work seems like a good option.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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A couple things here. He is NOT responsible for making a living, you BOTH are responsible for that. You shouldn't be a SAHM, if the family is having problems financially, you should try to pitch in and get a job. You really sound lot like my wife who thinks she has no responsibilities to family other than making meals and cleaning the house, which she doesn't do. I can certainly see why your H is grumpy and upset, you make him that way. I think it's time for you to start taking on some sort of financial responsibilities and not leave it all to him.

It seems that you started not being happy with your H when he lost his job. For you, the free ride was over and it was time to get all depressed. Life isn't a free ride, you have responsibilities to the family. Like it or not, you getting back to work seems like a good option.
ooook, let me clarify, i worked until i got pregnant, when i met my husband i was taking care of myself with a full time and part time job, we moved two hours from home bcuz I found a better job in the city with better pay, he worked out of town so our address never affected his job status. i'm sorry u misunderstood my post but i am the exact opposite of what u just described. if i went to work right now it would be just to pay childcare with about 300 extra dollars in the house and we have both decided that's not worth it.

also let me add that i am in college full time and i'm working on multiple degrees in my field, i've received one and i'll be graduating in may, my long term goal is to become a research psychologist.
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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ooook, let me clarify, i worked until i got pregnant, when i met my husband i was taking care of myself with a full time and part time job, we moved two hours from home bcuz I found a better job in the city with better pay, he worked out of town so our address never affected his job status. i'm sorry u misunderstood my post but i am the exact opposite of what u just described. if i went to work right now it would be just to pay childcare with about 300 extra dollars in the house and we have both decided that's not worth it.

also let me add that i am in college full time and i'm working on multiple degrees in my field, i've received one and i'll be graduating in may, my long term goal is to become a research physiologist.
Even so you must not assign all the responsibility for making all the family's money to your husband. Some of that lays on you irregardless of your situation. If your H is unemployed, it is your responsibility to help bring in money while he looks for work. My wife did the same thing to me when I was out of work and it basically killed our marriage.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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A couple things here. He is NOT responsible for making a living, you BOTH are responsible for that. You shouldn't be a SAHM, if the family is having problems financially, you should try to pitch in and get a job. You really sound lot like my wife who thinks she has no responsibilities to family other than making meals and cleaning the house, which she doesn't do. I can certainly see why your H is grumpy and upset, you make him that way. I think it's time for you to start taking on some sort of financial responsibilities and not leave it all to him.

It seems that you started not being happy with your H when he lost his job. For you, the free ride was over and it was time to get all depressed. Life isn't a free ride, you have responsibilities to the family. Like it or not, you getting back to work seems like a good option.

I agree with this poster. A couple works on the marriage for everyone in the marriage. You took the old roles that worked in the past to heart. You are not all that different than his parents were. Maybe I am wrong and you haven't posted everything here. You are using him that is why you tolerated his grumpiness. He gave you a roof, food, a home and a child. Then, he also gave you the freedom to go back to school.

Once you are done with school, you will leave him to fend for himself and you and your little girl will make a new life with better options. You honestly used him too. He used you to free himself of his parents and you used him to make a better future for yourself and your baby.

You both served a purpose when you joined each other's lives. The marriage is now pretty much over. It was a marriage of convenience for both of you and once both of you get what you initially wanted from one another, that marriage did what it was designed to do for both of you.

There is no more love left for either one of you, because your "love" of each other was temporary just like the marriage should be.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: everything is all my fault of course

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Even so you must not assign all the responsibility for making all the family's money to your husband. Some of that lays on you irregardless of your situation. If your H is unemployed, it is your responsibility to help bring in money while he looks for work. My wife did the same thing to me when I was out of work and it basically killed our marriage.
he's not unemployed just not getting enough hours, he works in construction. i have worked from home, i sell things online, i do simple virtual assistant stuff from home to bring in a couple hundred dollars a month so i do contribute. and he doesn't look for work, I DO, i do ALL the work for him, his lack of not finding a better job is not due to lack of trying bcuz i make sure the apps and online test get taken, he just is not having any luck, i think his weight gives the impression he's lazy. i got up this morning and told him he could use the computer cuz all my homework is done but he instead decided to take a nap.

and fyi, I DO NOT NAG HIM FOR NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY, I NAG HIM FOR NOT SHOWING AMBITION AND JUST GIVING UP AND BLAMING IT ALL ON ME AS IF IM THE REASON HE GOT LAID OFF.

i need you to step out of your own marriage bcuz tho they may sound similar they are not the same, i'm not just a wife, i work, i have a small side hustle, i contribute as well.

Last edited by trapsoul; 04-14-2017 at 02:43 PM.
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