18 yrs down the drain - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy 18 yrs down the drain

Backstory: I have been with my husband since we were 16. We got married at 25 and had 2 children. We never had the greatest relationship but while we were engaged things were great. We had somewhat of a sexless marriage (his decision, not mine) a year into marriage he developed an opiate addiction through pain management. His addiction became mine, in a way that I was enabling, checking his phone/whereabouts/etc. it put so much strain on our marriage. We did counseling for a few months and things got seemingly better. Fast forward to last year, our 8th year of marriage. He kicked his addiction, I thought things would get better, they did not. I lost my job of 10 yrs, my mother and sister were diagnosed with cancer within 6 weeks of each other, my husband was in active withdrawal, I started a new job I didn't exactly want to take, husband crashed his car and totaled it, I was holding together a household, taking cAre of 2 children on my own, husbands job laid him off for 6 weeks. I was at an all time low. I had no support from him. He was mad because I didn't support him through his withdrawal.

With all that has happened I started to realize that after 18 yrs I am tired of being unhappy. I have goals, I want more in life. He's not on board. He isn't an active member of our family. He doesn't take care of the kids at all and acts more like a slob roommate than a father or a husband. He constantly throws it in my face that he quit opiates for me and the kids. What more do I want from him, right?

It's so frustrating. We don't talk, we don't even sleep in the same room (my choice). Now that he's noticed me drifting away he has a sex drive and I have no interest in it. How could I? I'm full of resent. He thinks having sex will fix the issues, after years of me begging to have a physical relationship. But now that my eyes have been opened and I learned that I am a single married mom I just don't want to be with him. He refuses to move out, I am here bc I have no where to go without uprooting my child from his current school (he's got an iep aka special ed) i feel stuck.

I have a plan to try and start to chip away at my debt first before I make any moves. I am trying desperately to just live my life but find myself falling into depression/anger/sadness. I'm also so sad that leaving him will mean I leave behind 50 extended family member (in laws, cousins, aunts/uncles) that I have known and been extremely close with since 16 yrs old. I know they would not blame me for leaving but I also know that once this is over I won't be able to stick around for family events other than dropping my kids off. It hurts.

Anyway, that's my story.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: 18 yrs down the drain

Is the debt family relared? If so divorce now so he can have his share!
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 18 yrs down the drain

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
Is the debt family relared? If so divorce now so he can have his share!
It's mainly my own credit cards and my student loans
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: 18 yrs down the drain

If you are unhappy and don't think things can be fixed, you should leave.

Don't think of it as "down the drain". In the end we are all dead, no one is keeping score. You presumably enjoyed some of your time together. If that is no longer true, find ways to enjoy the rest of your life.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: 18 yrs down the drain

Ahh, yes the Opiate Epidemic.

This thing is killing us. And often, two families at a time. When one person gets "hooked" they drag many others into the White Rabbit hole.

God Bless you for your strength.
I have close friends who are going through this vicious cycle. And it "ain't" pretty.
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

What to do?

He won't move out?

Then YOU move out. Get a restraining order out on him if he pursues you. This is tough love....and tough ****sky for HIM.

The debt? That is the least of your worries. You need a place to stay, food, a car/car insurance, gasoline, electric and gas and clothing for you and your children.
The rest? Pay as much as you can to be fair to your creditors.

I would move in with sympathetic relatives for a while. Relatives who will chase his sorry ass away.

Now look, I do feel some sympathy for those who getted hooked on drugs. But, they cannot leach on everyone else, forever. You have given him enough time to get his poop in shape.

He was broken before he got hooked, during his active addiction, and is still broken. Broken beyond your responsibility.

You deserve better. You deserve a new man that is NORMAL. Not perfect but close enough. Your present husband is a slug, a Sad Sack.

Get away from him....now!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:45 AM
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Re: 18 yrs down the drain

It sounds like you are overwhelmed. You have many problems and donít know where to start to address them.

Your debt can be handled in different ways. For example you cannot get rid of student loans. In divorce they cannot be give to your husband to pay. You own the loans in your name. But if you are having financial difficulties, you can ask for a deferment for some period of time. That way they are not an issue right now.

The credit card debt, do some searching on the internet for solutions. You might be able to negotiate it down. There are legitimate organizations that can work with you to help you do this. And if the debt it really big, you both could file for bankruptcy and just get rid of your debt. (not your student loans.

Now about him refusing to move out. Is this a place you rent or a place you own? If you rent, is your name on the lease? Can you afford it on your own? You could file for divorce and ask that he be the one to move out.
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