Please Help - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: Please Help

Did that lady go on the business trip? It seems odd that it was after the 2 weeks away he looked so bad, I suspect it was guilt. The speech, 'I love you but I am not in love with you', nearly always means he has got someone else. Sorry.

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: Please Help

The problem is that the problem in your marriage never went away. Your child's sickness just put you two together to fight a common foe. Obviously your husband feels that he cannot live his life as he wants to due to the demands of his sick child and you. The guy is not good husband material or much of a man. You two have so many problems that would have ended in divorce if not for your child's illness.

My niece was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer last year and you would never know if by visiting them. They love each other and are mature enough to accept that life does not always go the way you want it to. Your husband feels stuck in a life he never planned on and cannot handle it. He does not love you enough to accept the life that he has been given and seems to blame his problems on your child. Seems that he sees your son as ruining his life and that is not something a father should ever feel. The only thing you two seem to have is sharing your child's illness and your husband wants to bail on that too. I feel for you and wish you the best but a divorce at this point would only add to the problem, but then again, your husband may be suicidal, so you have to worry about that. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Please Help

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Originally Posted by OrangeCrayon View Post
One day he brought me home flowers and the next day he said he can't take this life anymore - the responsibility is too much for him and he hates that he can't live life the way he wants. "My decisions are never my own. I always have to think about you and the kids."
Wow, I find this really telling. Having to think about a family instead of just myself is one of the reasons I wanted to get married. I didn't want it to be about just me all the time. Why does a guy who says things like this get married?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Please Help

Orange Crayon
I cannot imagine going through the levels of hell that you have already visited, then compound all of it with a mate that has laid all of his crap on you. First, your husband appears to be wildly immature. Now, given that statement, his behavior in all of this shows that he is in "flight" mode; he wants to not have the responsibilities of a parent of a sick child.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Please Help

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Sounds like he's having a mid life crisis. He's looking back at his life, not happy with it, and wondering if this is going to be his life for the next 40+ years.

You two should be spending 15hrs minimal a week alone together. Two date nights a month? Seems to me you two are disconnected, just going through each day trying to get to the next day.

How often are you two intimate? Is this a sexless marriage?

I appreciate your advice. You're absolutely right - we were just trying to get through each day. When you have a sick child, sometimes that's all you can do.

Yes - only 2 date nights a month. That's all we can afford. We have no family in the state and sitters cost $15-$20 an hour. Money is tight. Last year, we paid over $17,000 in medical bills. Keep in mind, I also had to schedule around days where I felt comfortable leaving my sick son with a sitter.

I tried to talk my husband into having extra date nights at home - romantic dinners, movies, snuggling, etc. But he threw himself into work - leaving at 8am and coming home after 8pm. I would ask him to come home earlier so we could connect, but there was always an excuse. By the time he got home, I was exhausted from caring for my son.

It wasn't a sexless marriage. We were intimate 2-3 times a month after our son got sick. He travels 1-2 weeks a month for work and I was mentally and physically exhausted, so 2-3 times was a lot for us.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Please Help

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Did that lady go on the business trip? It seems odd that it was after the 2 weeks away he looked so bad, I suspect it was guilt. The speech, 'I love you but I am not in love with you', nearly always means he has got someone else. Sorry.
She did. She wasn't there the whole time, just two days I believe. Two days after he got back, he drove her to work in the morning. He said she missed the train and needed a ride in. I said, "Well, she drove to the train station. Why can't she just drive to work?" He replied, "She doesn't like driving in the city." Bullsh*t. He also chats with her over text and on Instagram.

His demeanor after the trip, the chatting, the train ride, and the picture tell me she has a lot to do with this.

I know our problems never fully went away. We never really had time to heal from his 1st EA. But the fact that he possibly found yet another woman while our son was sick makes me more angry than you can imagine.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Please Help

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If his desire to leave had not started before the cancer, I might believe that.

But having a child with cancer tends to exacerbate pre-existing problems.

That's what the psychologist at the hospital said, anyway.
You're right the sentence would express better my sentiment if I had written.

"unfortunately your husband has never shown the character needed in your marriage."
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: Please Help

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You're right the sentence would express better my sentiment if I had written.

"unfortunately your husband has never shown the character needed in your marriage."
The problems started in 2015, and the marriage existed long before that, so I do not know that it would be accurate to say that.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Please Help

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Originally Posted by OrangeCrayon View Post
She did. She wasn't there the whole time, just two days I believe. Two days after he got back, he drove her to work in the morning. He said she missed the train and needed a ride in. I said, "Well, she drove to the train station. Why can't she just drive to work?" He replied, "She doesn't like driving in the city." Bullsh*t. He also chats with her over text and on Instagram.

His demeanor after the trip, the chatting, the train ride, and the picture tell me she has a lot to do with this.

I know our problems never fully went away. We never really had time to heal from his 1st EA. But the fact that he possibly found yet another woman while our son was sick makes me more angry than you can imagine.
I am so sorry for your situation.

I am JLD's husband.

When our son was first diagnosed with cancer, I too was very busy with work. I had to travel as well. But when I was home it was all about my kids and my wife.

Under stress, you quickly see what are someone's priorities. Your husband's are clearly not his family. Yours are.

Stay focused and forget about him. At this time he should not be part of your plan unless he shows behavior that indicates his head is in the game.

Splitting will be hard on your kids, but it will be far better that they see a mother who knows what the real priorities in life are than a mother that tries to keep a failing marriage together.

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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: Please Help

Take a deep, deep breath and try hard to look at your situation from the outside.

I am an outsider and I can honestly say that I question the humanity of a man who thinks and says the hurtful things your WH has said to you while you are facing the heartbreak and stress of your little boy's illness.

You two don't share the same values. Let him go. I would bet that he is in an affair in any event (the signs are there).

Your WH is one of those people who simply can't do 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others.' He is too self-involved.

Will you be able to say to him, 'I have taken on board what you have said and I think it best that we split'? He is a bad husband and a terrible father. You and your children don't need him.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: Please Help

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Wow, I find this really telling. Having to think about a family instead of just myself is one of the reasons I wanted to get married. I didn't want it to be about just me all the time. Why does a guy who says things like this get married?
A guy says this when:

1. he is a selfish A**Hole
2. He wants to have fun and have his needs met
3. Doesn't want the responsibility of a family, and a sick child (blaming her is his way of handling it)
4 he is dabbling in someone else, all the red flags are there.

She needs to leave him.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Please Help

If you prefer a gentler way to look at how he is now, you may find similar stories in a support group for parents. Sometimes people shut down. Close off. The thought of possibly losing a child is too much, they shut it out and everyone attached.
Which doesn't change anything. And see posts above....move on with all of it as a truly new start.
He hadn't been around enough for your children to really miss him. As a divorced dad, he will likely get dedicated one on one time with them. Way more than he is giving now? So you'd be doing your kids and him a favour by going the route of divorce.


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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Please Help

What a selfish, selfish man. Let him go, and see what you can do about moving back to your family.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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