Where do I go from here? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Where do I go from here?

Hello All

My first post. Have been a lurker for a while - what an amazing board this is.

Straight to the point then.

I have been married for 16 years to a woman I never should have married.

The truth is - I allowed myself to become enmeshed in someone's life and committed the ultimate act of emotional self destruction by getting into a reltionship with her and then marrying. I kept telling myself at the time I would bring it to a conclusion - but at each new phases I found myself lacking in courage. I have had counselling as a single person and my therapist warned me then - you have a problem with endings! Ha - dont I know it! I alway had managed to extricate myself from unhappy relationships by hook or by crook, good fortune or whatever - they all went on too long - and I was always going to be a hazard to myself under the worst circumstances. And I happened - by freak chance I found myself with a woman who was playing for keeps - and I was not in her league as a player - she whipped my ass.

I can't believe I let all this happen. If someone had painted this picture for me 20 years ago - I would have been horrified. Yet this is reality.

What has happened to me these last 16 years is just beyond belief. I feel like time has frozen - the world has been turning, and I've been stuck in the same place. The year is 2000 - but no - it really is 2017 - what has been happening all this time.

What a monumental mess I am in.

I'm in my early 50s by the way. So this all started when I was 37 - thinking at that time I was now ripe for the right woman.

Ha ha ha! What a laugh that is! Pissing myself laughing here! Really.

But I cant believe there are not people out there who have been through similar and come out of the long dark tunnel.

Please bear with me - I dont often have more than 10 minutes to myself without interruption. I will be back with more of this dreadful tale. In the meantime any comments would be much appreciated.

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

So, you feel that you just went with the flow for all these years in a situation that you really didn't want?
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:04 AM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

What about this relationship is a not working for you? Could you give some details?


Do you have any children with her?

Do both of you work?

If you are this unhappy, why don't you divorce?
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:08 AM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRight View Post
Hello All

My first post. Have been a lurker for a while - what an amazing board this is.

Straight to the point then.

I have been married for 16 years to a woman I never should have married.

The truth is - I allowed myself to become enmeshed in someone's life and committed the ultimate act of emotional self destruction by getting into a reltionship with her and then marrying. I kept telling myself at the time I would bring it to a conclusion - but at each new phases I found myself lacking in courage. I have had counselling as a single person and my therapist warned me then - you have a problem with endings! Ha - dont I know it! I alway had managed to extricate myself from unhappy relationships by hook or by crook, good fortune or whatever - they all went on too long - and I was always going to be a hazard to myself under the worst circumstances. And I happened - by freak chance I found myself with a woman who was playing for keeps - and I was not in her league as a player - she whipped my ass.

I can't believe I let all this happen. If someone had painted this picture for me 20 years ago - I would have been horrified. Yet this is reality.

What has happened to me these last 16 years is just beyond belief. I feel like time has frozen - the world has been turning, and I've been stuck in the same place. The year is 2000 - but no - it really is 2017 - what has been happening all this time.

What a monumental mess I am in.

I'm in my early 50s by the way. So this all started when I was 37 - thinking at that time I was now ripe for the right woman.

Ha ha ha! What a laugh that is! Pissing myself laughing here! Really.

But I cant believe there are not people out there who have been through similar and come out of the long dark tunnel.

Please bear with me - I dont often have more than 10 minutes to myself without interruption. I will be back with more of this dreadful tale. In the meantime any comments would be much appreciated.
Hi @MrRight

Thanks for your message and I admire your humour amidst the pain!

It would be nice to get some further details about your relationship so I can really understand the patterns in greater detail - however, I appreciate your shortage of time.

One line said it all though - "she whipped my ass"...As long as this is happening, then you've completely lost that sense of who you are. The very core of you has been taken away - not only by her, but also by you because you've fundamentally allowed it to happen.

However, the past doesn't need to be become your future and it sounds like it's time to make some changes.

Where is your relationship at right now? Are you willing to move on? Do you have kids? etc etc

If you could provide me with some more info, that would be much appreciated.

Thanks
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Thank you for the replies.

We have a son who is 1 year away from university entry.

I am willing to move on - though now is not the right time. I am thinking of in maybe 2 years or so when I have run out of reasons. There are certainly at the moment practical reasons - and a lot of debt mainly run up because I have not had a final say in how money is spent - even though I am 100% earner for the family. I have a string of loans/overdrafts that will take years to clear.

Where we are now is up down up down. There is no stability in our relationship.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRight View Post
Thank you for the replies.

We have a son who is 1 year away from university entry.

I am willing to move on - though now is not the right time. I am thinking of in maybe 2 years or so when I have run out of reasons. There are certainly at the moment practical reasons - and a lot of debt mainly run up because I have not had a final say in how money is spent - even though I am 100% earner for the family. I have a string of loans/overdrafts that will take years to clear.

Where we are now is up down up down. There is no stability in our relationship.
Evidently this has been your thought now for SIXTEEN YEARS. And you are already putting it off like you always do! What exactly has been so bad in your marriage?? Well..besides the obvious fact that you allow other people to run your life... no one to blame but you for that part. Is your wife a cheater? Is she an abuser? Is there someone else you are in love with?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

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Evidently this has been your thought now for SIXTEEN YEARS. And you are already putting it off like you always do! What exactly has been so bad in your marriage?? Well..besides the obvious fact that you allow other people to run your life... no one to blame but you for that part. Is your wife a cheater? Is she an abuser? Is there someone else you are in love with?
No-one to blame but me. Yes I think after 16 years I understand that part.

No she is not a cheater.

She is however - exceptionally insecure - unstable emotionally - prone to a sudden downward shift in mood - occasionally violent - intolerant.

I was not quite aware of all this when I married her of course - though there were some warning signs early on that I should have heeded. After the birth of our child - all those traits - bearable human faults - increased greatly.

Post natal syndrome? I dont know. She has taken having a child seriously to the extreme - and everything must be just so. If it's not - watch out. Everything - down to the last vitamin - must be provided - if there is a sneeze - the house must be inspected for draughts - a doctor must visit - or you must call the ambulance - did you hear about the child whose cough was actually meninghitus and how the doctors failed to diagnose - he died.

I think you get the picture.

I confided in the doctor about all this a long time ago - MrRight, he said, there is no medication available for personality disorders. Thank you.

The time is not right - has not been right - I could not leave him with her - neither did I think it was right to take him away. He has done well at school, is popular - seems to get on socially - I think he's doing ok - despite far from ideal circumstances at home.

No, by the way - there is no one I am in love with! I cant even imagine what that means anymore.

We are together virtually all the time - something that suits her more than it does me.

OK - thank you for your interest - must go now and will be back later with more.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

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I confided in the doctor about all this a long time ago - MrRight, he said, there is no medication available for personality disorders.
MrRight, your doctor may be correct about your W having a personality disorder (PD). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal abuse, "occasionally violent," controlling behavior, black-white thinking, hating to be alone, "exceptionally insecure," always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline PD).

Quote:
She is however... unstable emotionally - prone to a sudden downward shift in mood.
Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions. This is why a large share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to rename BPD as "Emotion Regulation Disorder."

The most common cause of mood changes, however, is not BPD. Rather, the two most common causes are hormone change and drug abuse. Yet, given that your W apparently is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they are a source of her instability.

I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder). Significantly, the behaviors you describe do not sound like red flags for bipolar. Instead, they sound like the warning signs for BPD.

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...it is like bringing up 2 kids.
If she really is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits), she likely experienced abuse or abandonment in early childhood -- a trauma that left her emotional development frozen at the level of a four year old. If so, this would explain why she cannot regulate her own emotions and is fully dependent on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: e.g., temper tantrums, denial, projection, black-white thinking, and magical thinking. The result is that, for 16 years, you've had a parent/child relationship with her, not a husband/wife relationship.

Quote:
Everything must be just so. If it's not - watch out.
You are describing a symptom of obsessive compulsion. If the person is aware of having it, it is called OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) which is an anxiety disorder, not a PD. Yet, if the person lacks self awareness and thus is unaware of her OCD -- as you seem to be describing -- the condition generally is called OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder).

If your W is a BPDer, she has a 24% chance of also suffering from full-blown OCPD. As to OCD, a female BPDer has an 81% chance of having OCD or another anxiety disorder during her lifetime. On top of that, she has an 80% chance of having a mood disorder (e.g., PTSD, bipolar, or depression) during her lifetime. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

Quote:
She is... occasionally violent
Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, as I noted above, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, physical violence has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

Quote:
I have to tip toe around.
The abused partners of BPDers often find themselves walking on eggshells to avoid triggering the BPDer's anger. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Quote:
I was not quite aware of all this when I married her of course - though there were some warning signs early on that I should have heeded.
If she is a BPDer, her infatuation held her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay throughout the courtship period. You therefore likely did not see any strong warning signs occurring until that infatuation started evaporating -- typically about 4 to 6 months into the R/S (or a year if you did not get together very often).

Quote:
After the birth of our child - all those traits - bearable human faults - increased greatly.
Quote:
Post natal syndrome? I dont know.
You are not describing warning signs for postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. Yet, even if she did suffer from one of those conditions, my understanding is that it likely would have been gone with six months, with a chance of lasting 2 or 3 years. I've never heard of those conditions lasting for 16 years.

Quote:
Mine also explodes on her family. When her mum visited they had a row and my wife threw a laptop at her - injuring her shin.
If your W regularly explodes at business associates and total strangers (e.g., in road rage), you are describing IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). It is an anxiety disorder, not a PD. The vast majority of BPDers -- even those exhibiting full-blown BPD -- generally get along fine with casual friends, business associates, clients, and complete strangers.

The reason is that none of those people pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. It thus is common for well educated BPDers to be caring and generous to strangers all day long -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him.

This is why many high functioning BPDers excel in very demanding professions -- e.g., becoming successful teachers, social workers, psychologists, surgeons, and actors. And this is why HF BPDers typically have no close long-term friends (unless the friend lives a long distance away).

My BPDer exW, for example, has a caring and outgoing attitude toward other people. Even complete strangers feel like they have known her for a long time after talking with her for only 30 minutes. My exW has a warm and charming personality that puts people at ease. Moreover, she genuinely enjoys interacting with those people.

Yet, when one of her casual friends make the mistake of drawing close to her in a LTR, that friend will eventually trigger one of my exW's two fears. At that point -- which typically took 3 to 5 years with each of the three women who became extremely close to her -- my exW would split the woman black and push her away. I saw her terminate all three of those close LTRs in the 15 years we were married.

Similarly, my exW and her two BPDer sisters would periodically push each other away. They would be thick as thieves for 12 to 18 months and then one of them would say some minor thing that would trigger another sister's fears. They would have a blowup fight and then not speak to each other for 4 to 6 months -- then suddenly would return to being thick as thieves. I mention all this to explain why, if your W is a BPDer, she likely will explode on close family members and loved ones -- but not on casual friends and strangers.

Quote:
We are together virtually all the time.... she can't leave me alone for 5 minutes.
If she is a BPDer, she likely HATES being alone. The reason is that she never had an opportunity in early childhood to develop a strong sense of who she is. Instead, she is stuck with a fragile, unstable sense of self identity. One result of this is that she has virtually no sense of where SHE leaves off and YOU begin.

That is, she no firm personal boundaries and thus cannot readily distinguish between your feelings and hers. Instead, she becomes enmeshed with your feelings. Indeed, because she lacks a strong sense of who she is, she is reliant on you to provide a sense of direction and a grounding. Yet, when you do exactly that, she will resent you for "controlling" her. BPDers have a strong feeling they are being controlled and dominated.

Quote:
Where do I go from here?
Given that you are not yet willing to divorce her, I suggest I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your son are dealing with. As to the BPD symptoms you describe, I caution that learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although it is easy to spot these symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage or, after leaving, running into the arms of another woman just like her.

I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for two years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, violence, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join @3Xnocharm and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, MrRight.
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

When it comes to marriage what you see is what you get. There is no room for a fantasy of changing things and even if they did change, it may not be in a way you like. That is why we have a courtship period to check each other out. Then if things look good, we get engaged and have another year or two to make sure we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. No kids first or any of that. Once you are positive that she is the person you want, as she is and not as she can become, then you marry her. All too often men marry for the regular sex and fear of having to date again and put up with limited or no sex and rejection from women. Sometimes people are together for so long they feel that the logical next step is marriage.

I will never understand why people marry someone who everyone else can see is not good for them. Obviously that is why you are in therapy. The time for marriage counselling is before you get married if you know you have issues. There is no need to rush into marriage. Live together so that if you want to get out, you do not lose half of your stuff. Good luck, but this is a consequence of bad decision making on your part. We all suffer the consequences of our decisions so make good choices in the future.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Uptown thanks for that amazing post.

I am shaking - having read through your post.

There is no way I would get the freedom to go and see a psychologist - but I will read through what you have suggested.

This is scary - I sometimes think she will put a knife in my back one day.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Thanks again.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: Where do I go from here?

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This is scary - I sometimes think she will put a knife in my back one day.
I know the feeling all too well. There were a number of times, while I was taking a shower, that the shower scene in "Psycho" crossed my mind. Although BPDers generally are good people, their perceptions of loved ones can become so severely distorted -- in only a few seconds -- that they can pose a dangerous threat.

In contrast, I never once had that scary feeling in the shower while living with my bipolar-1 adult foster son. He is a man whom I had to take to the hospital ER on ten occasions because his mania had become so severe that he had slipped into psychosis. My experience is that BPDers -- having the emotional development of a young child combined with the body strength and cunning of a full grown adult -- generally are far more dangerous than narcissists, sociopaths, and folks suffering bipolar disorder. But the reason BPDers can be so dangerous is not that they are bad people but, rather, that they are unstable people -- who carry a lot of hurt and anger deep inside.

Quote:
There is no way I would get the freedom to go and see a psychologist - but I will read through what you have suggested.
If you are really such a prisoner in your own home, I strongly suggest you call the police and have her forcibly removed -- and obtain a restraining order against her returning. Also, because your son is only 16, call child protective services and ask them to require that your W be evaluated by a professional before she can be around your son.

If you lack any evidence to support your claims, immediately buy a VAR (about $25) and carry it in your shirt pocket to record her rages and tantrums. If you can afford it, obtain a disguised video recorder that can make a visual record. @EleGirl can provide you with far more detailed advice (than I can) about how to protect you and your son. So I will focus here on providing several other suggestions below:

The first step, as I noted earlier, is to see a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on whether your W is exhibiting strong BPD traits as you believe. This is important because the latest studies on BPD heritability indicate that, when one Parent has full-blown BPD, each child has roughly a 20% to 30% chance of developing it. The most recent study supports 30% but, because all these studies are based on small sample size, their results are only suggestive. As a responsible parent, your first action should be to determine the risk confronting your son.

Because BPD traits typically start showing strongly in the early teens, you likely would already be seeing warning signs at the age of 16. If you are, don't jump to any conclusions. Due to hormone surges, a large share of teens exhibit very strong BPD behavior for several years. This is why therapists generally refuse to diagnose BPD until a person is at least 18.

Second, consult with a divorce attorney who is experienced in dealing with child custody cases against a very vindictive spouse. If your W is a BPDer, the divorce and custody battle likely be get very nasty very quickly. It would be prudent to supplement that advice with tips offered by the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

Third, start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com, which offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful are the "Detaching from a Borderline" board and "Co-Parenting after the Split" board.

Fourth, while you're at BPDfamily, read the articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and Leaving a Partner with BPD. At other websites, I recommend these online articles: Fathers Divorcing, and High Risk Parenting, and Pain of Breaking Up, and Divorcing a Narcissist.

Fifth, read an explanation of how we excessive caregivers get to be this way during our childhood. The best explanation I've found is Shari Schreiber's article, Do You Love to be Needed? Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with parents, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) FAR exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). If you've been married to a BPDer for 16 years, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me.

Sixth, if you believe your W has strong BPD traits, do not try to persuade her of that. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, your thread has already attracted nearly 500 views in a week.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 11:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Thanks again.

Yes she is nice to people outside the family - is well liked. She occasionally loses it with people who have threatened the interests of our son - and has been barred from one public education institution for causing disruption to the admin office staff. We generally fall out with schools when my wife does not agree with the way they do things. She is capable of developing an intense hatred for people who threaten her son's interests. Apart from that she projects a good energy outside of the house.

I will follow up the links.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;" YES
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members; YES
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells; YES
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later; YES
7. Low self esteem; YES
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours; YES
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans; YES
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune; YES
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending); YES
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing; YES
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away); YES
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence. YES
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 05:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Where do I go from here?

Having my wife forcibly removed.

I doubt if the police here (in the UK) would have any legal grounds for that.

If I get evidence of her going hysterical and present it to social services - yes they will get involved - my son will be physically examined, questioned etc - and he may have to go on the child protection register. But that wont mean the police can keep my wife from living in the family home - unless he is covered in bruises which he is not. We would have to start a long process with social services coming to the family home to support us - offer counselling etc. And in the meantime there would be a war with my wife in the family home. So I dont see that as a sensible option. Besides my son is 18 months away from the possibility of a university place. Once he has that in the bag my options will open up. An earthquake in the family now will not serve his best interests. You know how things stand - one thing she had done for him is help him with his education and he has very good prospects - I cant interfere with that process until the time is right - until then I need to manage the situation.

These are not just excuses for delaying what needs to be done.

But coming back to my wife - and managing. She comes to me for sex now and again. Now that is a tough issue for me. As I tend to be very tired most of the time - and dont feel like having sex with her! Particularly in view of her treatment and behaviour etc. She may have BPD but she is still a woman and expects affection etc - and for me the marriage is more a battle to endure and survive. How do you suggest I deal with that? I try to deflect her attention - distract her - and avoid. Sometimes she just wont stop and I have to give in - rarely - have got it down to a couple of times a month. But it's not easy - if I ignore her too much - no hugs etc - I sense that she is really going to snap. I have hinted to her in the past that if she was more reasonable - our sex and indeed whole life might be better. But then she tells me to go to hell. I'm the one behaving badly etc and she doesnt need it anyway.
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