Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
You say that she’s drinking a bottle of wine each night? Do you think that she’s an alcoholic or a problem drinker? Read up on this; there’s a difference between the two.
Additionally, she went from being overweight to being obsessive about the fighting/gym time. It’s common for people with addictive behaviors to shifts their addictions to something else. The addiction shifted from eating/drinking to Ted/fighting/gym rat. Then once she had the injury and wasn’t able to fight, she went back to the addictions of eating/drinking. Did the drinking ever stop when she was a gym rat?
What exactly did you get out of the “Talk”? I read a lot of her being the victim of everything. Was the talk all about her (is she looking for empathy from you?)? And perhaps she’s self-medicating all of these issues that she doesn’t address. Is she talking about the addictions as her coping mechanisms?
I was thinking this too about addictive behaviors... and don't forget that any MMA training will take an already confrontational person and enhance that aggression... the bottle of wine a night needs to go away for awhile so she can communicate with herself "unfiltered" for any future conversations. In fact, that would be my first boundary for any conversations to come... 48-72 hour sobriety before any relationship discussion.
We often allow ourselves to carry another's balance pole as we try the tightrope in these conversations... a response of "F@*&" to an antagonizing or testing expressive is being thrown that pole six feet into the wire, so it better to not catch it and let it fall. Better yet have your "I'm sorry you feel that way" pole in your hands so even if "F@*&" is felt, your hands are already full.
"I'm sorry you feel that way".
"I see things differently".
"I'm not okay with x (whatever x may be)".
These fill your hands with successful self-control in jabs and criticisms.
Every female on her side is a tough exposure to unlearn... the standard has been set. As others pointed out, provocation is the norm, as seems separation and divorce. Her attempts at intimidation by staring and you ignoring don't really seem to be calming much. Perhaps I'm wrong and that is the best there is at the moment, but forget about her being able to lead in her role for a moment as that expectation is not ready to be counted on.
The next time the staring begins, stop what you are doing... full stop no matter what it is and get up move next to her, take her hand and ask to breath with you... 4 seconds in, hold for 3, exhale for 7 and do this for a couple minutes. If she thinks it silly or refuses, do it yourself anyways... show her that with breath, comes calm. After you are done give her a smile and ask "now where were we" and address her last statement with your last... "I'm sorry you feel that way" and if you mean it, look into her eyes and tell her in a single statement you love her and your family but the hurting another has to stop or the family will not survive, because it won't.
Boundaries are going to need to be your new friend... but remember, they are for you and your calm first, her's will come after that. With that, I highly recommend doing some wine-replacing calming activities together... meditation, Tai chi, yoga. You may think you have no interest in them, but it is the movement your wife needs to rebuild her confidence and let go of her insecurities... plus you'll meet the right kinds of friends in these classes.
Her role models have failed her... but that's ok, time for her to choose to create a new one for your daughters if she chooses to. Breaking the cycle can be an incredible motivation, I wish you both the strength it will take to move beyond this moment of suffering.