Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #61 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

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Originally Posted by crocus View Post
Perhaps she did . Then her world crumbled. Injury. Friends turned on her. He doesn't talk to her. She's reading self help books.
She probably knows how terrible she has been. He's gone. Emotionally.


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Friends didnt "turn on her", she acted like an spoiled ***** so they dont want anything to do with her. I dont blame Ted for breaking ties with her.

OP your wife sounds like a self absorbed, entitled princess. The fact that she cannot keep friends speaks volumes. She does not sound like a pleasant person to be around, I am trying to figure out WHY you wish to stay with her?? You cant treat people like crap, expecting them to serve you and bend to your will, and think that anyone is going to stay around for you.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #62 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

How are you there for her? What do you say, not what do you do? It does seem you are a bit cold in expressing yourself. Have you read the 5 love languages?

I am not discounting the possibility of a third party at this point. If there is that is on her and her poor coping skills.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #63 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

There are some personality disorders that her circumstances and behavior might reflect. Similar to ruling out a third party in your marriage it may make some sense to learn a bit about NPD, BPD etc.. Knowing what you are or are not dealing with might make it easier to interact with your wife and plan for your future.

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post #64 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

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Originally Posted by Idyit View Post
There are some personality disorders that her circumstances and behavior might reflect. Similar to ruling out a third party in your marriage it may make some sense to learn a bit about NPD, BPD etc.. Knowing what you are or are not dealing with might make it easier to interact with your wife and plan for your future.
This!

All the pre-cursors for a personality disorder are here IMO...

1. dysfunctional family of origin, i.e. divorce, mental issues
2. substance abuse and alcoholic family of origin
3. child sex abuse
4. rape
5. anger management
6. addictive personality

This is the perfect storm.

You guys have gone through a bunch of counseling already. What opinions have your counselors shared with you about your W?
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post #65 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

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Friends didnt "turn on her", she acted like an spoiled ***** so they dont want anything to do with her. I dont blame Ted for breaking ties with her.



OP your wife sounds like a self absorbed, entitled princess. The fact that she cannot keep friends speaks volumes. She does not sound like a pleasant person to be around, I am trying to figure out WHY you wish to stay with her?? You cant treat people like crap, expecting them to serve you and bend to your will, and think that anyone is going to stay around for you.


Agree with boundaries. He doesn't have any.


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post #66 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

My wife was being coached by a girlfriend many years ago. I suspected as such, but was faced with a wall of my shortcomings. I engaged my wife in a highly granular discussion of my faults and kept bobbing and weaving to keep her off balance. Finally at one juncture, I just said, "And that is Hannah's take on this?" Without thinking she said, "Most definitely".

I had her, and started grilling her as to what her girlfriend had said. I knew her girlfriend and the woman and I had very little liking for one another. She was a ball-buster who had driven her husband out. The poor bastard did not know what he'd done, but he found himself on the street. Turned out that Hannah, wanted a "wing-girl" to go to a local cougar bar. Hannah was working non stop to sew the seeds of doubt in my wife's mind. Hannah wanted someone to attract some males. My wife is hot, Hannah is not.

Basically, I called Hannah the next day, and let her in on our discussion. My wife called her earlier to tell her that they would not be talking any further, as we had determined she was NOT a friend to the marriage. I left her with one parting thought; I am still friends with your ex, and I will start giving him as much ammunition as I can to re-open your financial agreements, and custody agreements. You have made a powerful enemy and I would advise you to mind your own business.

We have not spoken to that despicable woman in 20 years.

OP, go home and have a long discussion with your wife. You know what she has been hung up on, now determine what her motivations are. Is it a girlfriend? Is she becoming involved with another guy? Something else is going on in the background. If she wants a separation, then draw up an agreement where both of you separate, however, neither of you can date or see others. The penalty for doing so should be punitive both financially and as far as custody is concerned. If you hit her with this agreement and she freaks, you will know there is another guy.

Last edited by Taxman; 04-19-2017 at 04:07 PM.
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post #67 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

I am familiar with PMDD.

My was a loving, stable person who didn't anger quickly and usually treated everyone with kindness and basic courtesy.

In a period of a few months she turned into someone I didn't recognize and she was angry and bitter and would fly off the handle at the slightest or even no provocation.

We had some barnburner fights that were unusual for us and one afternoon she packed up the kids and stomped out. She did bring them back to the house after they relentlessly begged, but she barricaded herself in the bedroom and I could hear her crying basically all night. This was something that had never happened before.

The next day I got us in to see an MC and within minutes the MC was urging us to see a shrink and for her to get a full work up.

It took seeing a few different doctors and getting some blood work and a variety of other tests done but eventually an internal med doctor diagnosed her with PMDD. Luckily it was a female doctor that was a few years older than my W and she had gone through the same thing so my W was willing to listen to her.

The Dr got right in her face and told her that if she didn't take this seriously and didn't get prompt treatment that she WOULD end up divorced and might very well also get fired from her job and that she had even had patients that had been normal, decent people their whole lives that had even ended up in jail.

I don't know how else to describe my wife's condition other than that she had basically been having her period 24/7 for months on end (without really telling me) and it was like she was "stuck" in PMS 24/7.

She eventually ended up having a uterine ablation where they burned out the inner lining of her uterus and periods and such are now a thing of the past.

In a couple months she was pretty much back to her normal, even-tempered self. But those months of PMDD were hell on earth.

She never abused the kids and didn't get into any fistfights with anyone else, but that is mainly because I bore the brunt of her wrath. .....and I am here to tell you I will never endure that ever again. I'll pack up her car with her stuff and send on down the road myself if she ever gets back in that state.

You do have a long history of multiple levels of issues and dysfunctions and problems. There will not likely be a singular fix to all of this. But if she does truly have PMDD, you will never have a stable, healthy relationship and never be able to reconcile a working, long term peace and healthy relationship as long as she has that condition and as long as it is left untreated.
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post #68 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

Now in regards to your other issues, lets take a little tally of her traits and characteristics here -

- mean and b!+<hy.

- verbally and emotionally abusive and disrespectful to you.

- alcoholic or at least chemically abusive.

-obcessed with her own wants, needs and endeavors to the detriment of her husband and children.

- had an intense crush on another man and at least pursued a relationship with him if not actually scoring with him at some point.

- disregards and is unappreciative of your support and efforts within the home and family.

- is chronically bitter and resentful towards you without being able to present a reasonable reason why.

- is seeking to separate from you and possibly dissolve the marriage as a means to calm her own nerves and pursue her own happiness.

- May have a medical condition that makes rational thought and controlling her irritability darn near impossible with no mention of seeking any kind of treatment for that condition.

- escalates the level of conflict and aggression when you try to defend your boundaries.

- is packing on an unhealthy amount of weight and is doing nothing to control or treat it.

Am I missing anything???????

This does not sound like a sound platform for which to try to preserve or sustain a marriage. This is fact sounds toxic and even potentially abusive and destructive towards you and the children.

I would be very hesitant to put your full resources and energies into trying to save this marriage at this time.

I would not encourage you to try to stay with her until she addresses her alcoholism and her PMDD and until you can ascertain whether there is another man in the picture or not.
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post #69 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

Lemme put it this way - as long as she remains a drunkard. And as long as she continues to suffer from PMDD. and if there is another man involved ..... any efforts, energies and monies spent trying to save this marriage and trying to have a happy, healthy marriage that is mutually beneficial to the both of you will be in vain.

You cannot reconcile and have a healthy and happy and functional marriage with a drunk or druggie.

You cannot reconcile a healthy and happy marriage where one of the parties is involved with another person.

And from my own experience you can not have a stable and harmonious family life and marriage with someone suffering from a riproaring case of PMDD.

If those things can all be addressed and corrected, then it may be worth trying to stay together and save the marriage.

But if she is doing nothing to fix the alcoholism and PMDD and if she is involved with or having feelings for another man, any efforts to save this relationship will be p1$$ed away and in vain.
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post #70 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:06 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

OP, you should be documenting everything, especially the wine drinking. Keep a daily journal of how much she is drinking and how it effects her moods. It may come in handy down the road.


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post #71 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

You guys have left me with a lot to take in since I last logged in. Again, I appreciate the insights and the advice.

I want to make this work. Not because I'm a glutton for pain, but because I don't want to walk away without leaving every stone unturned while searching for a solution that will work for both of us.

She has her demons that she needs to address. And with the help of a marriage counselor, I'll point out all of the attributes that OldShirt and many of you pointed out about her so that she knows what it is I see in her that I dislike.

Many of you have come after me regarding my lack of boundaries and allowing her to treat me the way she does. You're right and it was something that I had in mind when I chose to change my tone with her during our last argument which brought us to this point.

Someone earlier made a reference to Mr. Nice Guy. I actually read the book (No More Mr. Nice Guy) recently and that's what convinced me to change my approach.

I also want to say that there is (currently) no third person/party. With the way that I've had her under surveillance these past few years, she would have to have ninja-level stealth to keep that hidden.

I am ready to walk away from the marriage, but only if I have to. The thought doesn't excite me at all and I can picture her being a worse ex-wife than a wife.

She's trying to do things, but she has to change her attitude towards ME.
- She's seeing a Naturopath (who told her that she had a hormonal imbalance)
- She's inquired about counselling (I saw this in her email... again, surveillance)
- She's reading self-help books
- She's working with a personal trainer (the same one that I use)
- She seeing a chiropractor and physiotherapist to address her physical pains

I can see where she's crying out for help, but her behaviour just sucks. And when I'm the target of her attacks, I just choose to check-out.
She needs to learn how to fix her problems.

I need to learn how to stop making her think that I'll take her crap, while letting her know that I'll help her as long as she's sincere.
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post #72 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

After your last two posts I realize most of the advise you have received is wrong. In fact it is count productive. Seek out an IC with a Phd in the field of CSA and FOO issues. Her childhood has taught her one thing to her core: hit and hit hard first. Ask yourself who was she really fighting in the ring.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #73 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: Email from Wife: I Should Consider Separating

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
When a woman wants a separation and she's constantly coming up with bad things about a man that don't amount to huge problems---- There's usually an unknown 3 person in the marriage.
That's all I'm saying.

You should: check on an attorney.
See a doctor about anti-anxiety drugs like zoloft or zanax.
Stop being a doormat to your own special narcissist.
Start working on a new life. I hate to say it, but once this stuff starts, it rarely gets better.

JMO
I have to disagree with there must be an other man in the mix.

It sounds to me that his wife has been harping on you OP for years but to no avail. Her needs have not been met for a long long time, the lack of communication or poor communication has compounded the problem and your dismissal of her has pushed her to a point where she is willing to 'cut of her nose to spite her face', some women will go all the way and push you to the limits to see if you are prepared to take the crap and reach out to save things. That is what is seems like here.

IMO opinion it might do your good to read about walk away wives here and see if there is anything that rings a bell here

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

YOu said your problems run deep but have not specified what they are.
Is there any past infidelity on either side, etc? You need to tell us to have a better grasp on what is happening.
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