A New Lease on Life? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:47 AM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

You could ask her if she'd rather have the "mark of shame" from MC or from divorce. There really is no shame in either, but it's clearly how she sees it. She'd rather pretend everything is rosy... Maybe for her.

You're kind of tiptoe-ing around the issue with her rather than facing it head-on. An expectation of sex and intimacy from marriage is not unreasonable. Many here would consider your current arrangement one of roommates, not marriage.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?


Been with my spouse for over 30 years and my greatest complaint is our bedroom. I'm sure that you will find it to be a fairly common problem. I have felt a lot of guilt over the last couple years for wanting the same thing as you. I want to be released. My issue is that while I say I have a dead bedroom issue, it could be somewhat misleading. My wife doesn't ever really refuse me when it comes to sex, she is always willing to accommodate my needs. My issue is that I don't want duty sex, I want to be wanted, I want my wife to have desire for me like I desire her.

Instead my sex life basically consists of once or sometimes twice a month she will lay there and let me do things to her. I want an active participant to join me in my sex life not simply have a warm body just lay there while I get exercise.

My point here is that I understand what you are saying and it goes well beyond the sex. It is about feeling desired and normal and complete. For the longest time I just felt like some kind of hideous troll that was so undesirable that even my own spouse couldn't bring herself to initiating sex with me. It played a huge role in destroying my confidence.

All I can say is that in my experience, it doesn't get any better. If it is as bad as it is now, at an age that you should be in the prime of your sexual life than there is only a downhill slide to go.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 11:43 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

Originally Posted by Jalapeno520 View Post
Thank you for your insight. I have already laid out the desire for marriage counseling, however, she seems to see it as a "mark of shame" of sorts. She basically has refused to go. I have been very open about my feelings in many regards, by she does not seem to return the candor. It's almost like an assault on the "perfect marriage."
She knows you are unhappy but refuses marriage counseling, or, apparently, to do anything about it. That right there is reason for divorce if she won't even try.

Originally Posted by Jalapeno520 View Post
As for what I do for her? Well, I know that I am very willing to do all the little things throughout the day that many men expect their wives to do; just because they're women. I usually wake up first - so I get coffee and breakfast read. I feed the dog. Etc. etc. I'm usually the first one home, so I have no problem figuring out what to have for dinner - then I make it. I take care of the yard, the garden, etc. etc. I try to do little things like put out rose cuttings from our garden for her. As for sexiness - I certainly let her know that I find her physically attractive. The lack of sex has nothing to do with a lack of attempts on my part. Although I am basically at the point of no longer asking for it because I'm tired of hearing "no, not today, I have a headache." I feel like replying, "if you have a headache everyday or one that lasts for a month - we need to take you to a neurologist."


Lastly, no I have not read the book you've recommended. I'm very wary of self-help books. Generally speaking I view them as quackery that allow psychologists and easy way to make a buck on people without giving them any real help. Just my opinion.
If you want to save your marriage and get laid, you really might want to check out that book "His Needs Her Needs." You can even get the audio version. What do you have to lose? It's just a book. If you don't agree with it, you can discard the information. It's not like what you've been doing has been working... .

In it you'll learn that:
1. When you have long separations like you did in the military, women lose their feeling of connection. Without that feeling of connection, most women have very little to zero sexual desire. (Sorry, but it's true.)
2. All these really nice things you're putting energy into doing for your wife? You sound like a GREAT guy, and that's a lot of work, but your energy would be much more productive put into other things. I'm sure she appreciates those things, but they are NOT the key to creating the feeling of romantic love women need to desire sex.

Here is a short article by the author of His Needs Her Needs that will give you an idea: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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