Thank you for your insight. I have already laid out the desire for marriage counseling, however, she seems to see it as a "mark of shame" of sorts. She basically has refused to go. I have been very open about my feelings in many regards, by she does not seem to return the candor. It's almost like an assault on the "perfect marriage."
She knows you are unhappy but refuses marriage counseling, or, apparently, to do anything about it. That right there is reason for divorce if she won't even try.
As for what I do for her? Well, I know that I am very willing to do all the little things throughout the day that many men expect their wives to do; just because they're women. I usually wake up first - so I get coffee and breakfast read. I feed the dog. Etc. etc. I'm usually the first one home, so I have no problem figuring out what to have for dinner - then I make it. I take care of the yard, the garden, etc. etc. I try to do little things like put out rose cuttings from our garden for her. As for sexiness - I certainly let her know that I find her physically attractive. The lack of sex has nothing to do with a lack of attempts on my part. Although I am basically at the point of no longer asking for it because I'm tired of hearing "no, not today, I have a headache." I feel like replying, "if you have a headache everyday or one that lasts for a month - we need to take you to a neurologist."
Lastly, no I have not read the book you've recommended. I'm very wary of self-help books. Generally speaking I view them as quackery that allow psychologists and easy way to make a buck on people without giving them any real help. Just my opinion.
If you want to save your marriage and get laid, you really might want to check out that book "His Needs Her Needs." You can even get the audio version. What do you have to lose? It's just a book. If you don't agree with it, you can discard the information. It's not like what you've been doing has been working... .
In it you'll learn that:
1. When you have long separations like you did in the military, women lose their feeling of connection. Without that feeling of connection, most women have very little to zero sexual desire. (Sorry, but it's true.)
2. All these really nice things you're putting energy into doing for your wife? You sound like a GREAT guy, and that's a lot of work, but your energy would be much more productive put into other things. I'm sure she appreciates those things, but they are NOT the key to creating the feeling of romantic love women need to desire sex.
Here is a short article by the author of His Needs Her Needs that will give you an idea: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.