A New Lease on Life? - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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A New Lease on Life?

Hello Everyone,

This is my first posting here, and I suppose like just about everyone else, the reason is that I am considering divorcing my wife.

A bit of context so that everyone can give their two cents: We married fairly young, I was 23 and she was 24 and we are now 37 and 38 respectively. About 18 months after our marriage, we decided that I should join the military and I served for 12 years on active duty; doing multiple combat tours overseas. During that time, I had quite a few "life or death" experiences that certainly change one's perspective on life. I digress, but I suppose this part of the situation is important, because none of the "typical" military marriage things happened. I.E. - she never cheated (to my knowledge), she never emptied our bank account on frivolous things and she was absolutely there for me 110%. That being said, I have this nagging feeling of marital emptiness. At the end of every day, it feels like I have a really reliable roommate or sister instead of a wife.

As I said previously, she has never cheated to my knowledge. In fact, I'd be surprised if she ever did as her sex drive is about as close to absolute zero as one can get. We've gone six months or more in the past without having sex. On my R&R from combat, you would think two people in love with each other would want to share themselves with one another, correct? Well, not so here. I can recall multiple times where we hadn't seen one another for almost a year, and I return home hoping for a passionate reunion...and...nothing. Perhaps a few days before I was scheduled to go back to combat we would have sex. Almost like it was an obligation due to contract. Completely one-sided.

Now, before everyone says I'm just a sex-crazed husband who refuses to accept reality, I have repeatedly expressed my desire for us to seek marriage counseling. "Sure, I suppose we could do that..." is the response, usually followed up with an expression communicating how embarrassing that would be. I've communicated my need for a more passionate and frequent sexual relationship. I've communicated what "turns me on" and tried to see if there was something I could change that would "turn her on" as well. I'm in relatively good shape and am rather confident in my appearance as well. However, I've always wondered if there was something she was ashamed to say was her turn-on. Never been able to get anything out of her in that regard. The lack of intimacy is almost mind-numbing. Once, about two years ago, after yet another argument about our sex life, I broached the topic of divorce and it utterly destroyed her. She turned on the waterworks and I was so heartbroken that I mentioned it that I've never spoken of it since. I don't expect "sex on demand" but I suppose it would be nice to feel like I'm remotely desired in some respect. I love her...but it feels like I'm married to a sister.

Anyhow, I also stated that she's a dead-reliable roommate. She is. She has a fantastic job that brings in more than I make (I have a great job too although I'm considering going back to school for a career change - which she does not support). We pay our bills on time. Both have excellent credit. We own two homes together. NO KIDS. One dog. Binge watch Netflix and Amazon Fire TV. Outwardly, we look like the perfect couple in many ways. We go wine tasting. We go to church (she has her faith, I've lost mine recently - she knows this too). We save for the rainy day. Etc. etc.

My ramblings lead me to this question: Do we as individuals deserve affection and deserve to be desired?

Deep down I want to leave. I know it will result in destroying her self-image. I know it will result in financial hardship - more for me than her (I'll have nowhere to go and our bank account is joint). I know it will result in a large amount of soul-searching on my part. I just know that I've gone 14 years thus far, and that I don't want to go another 14 with the same feelings. At this point they are just building and turning into resentment. I've stopped all the requests for counseling, stopped all the "lets communicate our needs" conversations, stopped all the "how can I change" conversations and I've stopped all the other random B.S. that I've thought would help.

To relate this back to my military service...after seeing the things I've seen, experiencing the things I've experienced and been to the places I've been to - I almost feel like I have been granted second and third chances at life. Almost like I'm entitled to live my life the way I want to regardless of what anyone else says or suggests - to include my wife. Is that selfish?

I suppose I honestly don't even know what I'm asking of everyone here except to be a sounding board for me. These are thoughts that have gone from once every now and then to an almost daily thought in the back of my mind.

I welcome any and all thoughtful perspectives. Thank you in advance.

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:11 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

First off, from a retired Soldier, thank you for your service.

Second, what did she say when you told her you were strongly considering ending the marriage over lack of intimacy? Rhetorical, isn't it...

Third, she is using a soft version of emotional blackmail by guilting you out of counseling. I think you see that, but I want to make sure.

Fourth, if after discussing how dire the situation is, if she is not willing to step up intimacy to a reasonable level, you would be justified in leaving.

She displays aversion to intimacy similar to those with a history of sexual trauma. Do you know if she does?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:44 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Originally Posted by Jalapeno520 View Post
Hello Everyone,

This is my first posting here, and I suppose like just about everyone else, the reason is that I am considering divorcing my wife.

A bit of context so that everyone can give their two cents: We married fairly young, I was 23 and she was 24 and we are now 37 and 38 respectively. About 18 months after our marriage, we decided that I should join the military and I served for 12 years on active duty; doing multiple combat tours overseas. During that time, I had quite a few "life or death" experiences that certainly change one's perspective on life. I digress, but I suppose this part of the situation is important, because none of the "typical" military marriage things happened. I.E. - she never cheated (to my knowledge), she never emptied our bank account on frivolous things and she was absolutely there for me 110%. That being said, I have this nagging feeling of marital emptiness. At the end of every day, it feels like I have a really reliable roommate or sister instead of a wife.

As I said previously, she has never cheated to my knowledge. In fact, I'd be surprised if she ever did as her sex drive is about as close to absolute zero as one can get. We've gone six months or more in the past without having sex. On my R&R from combat, you would think two people in love with each other would want to share themselves with one another, correct? Well, not so here. I can recall multiple times where we hadn't seen one another for almost a year, and I return home hoping for a passionate reunion...and...nothing. Perhaps a few days before I was scheduled to go back to combat we would have sex. Almost like it was an obligation due to contract. Completely one-sided.

Now, before everyone says I'm just a sex-crazed husband who refuses to accept reality, I have repeatedly expressed my desire for us to seek marriage counseling. "Sure, I suppose we could do that..." is the response, usually followed up with an expression communicating how embarrassing that would be. I've communicated my need for a more passionate and frequent sexual relationship. I've communicated what "turns me on" and tried to see if there was something I could change that would "turn her on" as well. I'm in relatively good shape and am rather confident in my appearance as well. However, I've always wondered if there was something she was ashamed to say was her turn-on. Never been able to get anything out of her in that regard. The lack of intimacy is almost mind-numbing. Once, about two years ago, after yet another argument about our sex life, I broached the topic of divorce and it utterly destroyed her. She turned on the waterworks and I was so heartbroken that I mentioned it that I've never spoken of it since. I don't expect "sex on demand" but I suppose it would be nice to feel like I'm remotely desired in some respect. I love her...but it feels like I'm married to a sister.

Anyhow, I also stated that she's a dead-reliable roommate. She is. She has a fantastic job that brings in more than I make (I have a great job too although I'm considering going back to school for a career change - which she does not support). We pay our bills on time. Both have excellent credit. We own two homes together. NO KIDS. One dog. Binge watch Netflix and Amazon Fire TV. Outwardly, we look like the perfect couple in many ways. We go wine tasting. We go to church (she has her faith, I've lost mine recently - she knows this too). We save for the rainy day. Etc. etc.

My ramblings lead me to this question: Do we as individuals deserve affection and deserve to be desired?

Deep down I want to leave. I know it will result in destroying her self-image. I know it will result in financial hardship - more for me than her (I'll have nowhere to go and our bank account is joint). I know it will result in a large amount of soul-searching on my part. I just know that I've gone 14 years thus far, and that I don't want to go another 14 with the same feelings. At this point they are just building and turning into resentment. I've stopped all the requests for counseling, stopped all the "lets communicate our needs" conversations, stopped all the "how can I change" conversations and I've stopped all the other random B.S. that I've thought would help.

To relate this back to my military service...after seeing the things I've seen, experiencing the things I've experienced and been to the places I've been to - I almost feel like I have been granted second and third chances at life. Almost like I'm entitled to live my life the way I want to regardless of what anyone else says or suggests - to include my wife. Is that selfish?

I suppose I honestly don't even know what I'm asking of everyone here except to be a sounding board for me. These are thoughts that have gone from once every now and then to an almost daily thought in the back of my mind.

I welcome any and all thoughtful perspectives. Thank you in advance.
As a last ditch effort you might want to send her to this site It actually fits in with her faith.

You don't sound unreasonable by the way. 14 years in a sexless marriage if a long time.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-18-2017 at 11:49 PM.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:50 PM
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How lonely. Yes, marriage isn't a prison sentence. You should divorce and find another woman that desires you. Life is short. Been there, done that.

No kids? Easy decision. Split your crap up 50/50, divorce, then go buy new crap. It's really simple.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
As a last ditch effort you might want to send her to this site It actually fits in with her faith.

You don't sound unreasonable by the way. 14 years in a sexless marriage if a long time.
Thanks for the vote of confidence and thanks for the suggestion on the link. Not sure if/when I would send it to her. Probably after all is said-and-done I suppose. 14 years is a looong time to be "fighting" for sex I suppose.

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
How lonely. Yes, marriage isn't a prison sentence. You should divorce and find another woman that desires you. Life is short. Been there, done that.

No kids? Easy decision. Split your crap up 50/50, divorce, then go buy new crap. It's really simple.
Thanks for your posting Colorado. It actually made me laugh out loud. Sometimes you need someone to put things into perspective, right?
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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First off, from a retired Soldier, thank you for your service.

Second, what did she say when you told her you were strongly considering ending the marriage over lack of intimacy? Rhetorical, isn't it...

Third, she is using a soft version of emotional blackmail by guilting you out of counseling. I think you see that, but I want to make sure.

Fourth, if after discussing how dire the situation is, if she is not willing to step up intimacy to a reasonable level, you would be justified in leaving.

She displays aversion to intimacy similar to those with a history of sexual trauma. Do you know if she does?
Farside,

Thank you for your service as well. Soldier here that has "been there, done that" and is still serving in the reserves. To answer your question:

1. She always says, "I'll try" and has this puppy-dog look on her face. She does state that sometimes sex "just hurts" or that she just doesn't have the libido that I have and doesn't understand why it has to be such a "big part" of a marriage.

2. Roger on the emotional blackmail. I'm a bit of a traditional guy when it comes to not making women cry...

3. Regarding sexual trauma; I know that she had an experience with a "peeping Tom" when she was in high school. She confided to me that it made her feel objectified as a female. Now, I know that individuals react in different ways to stressful situations, but I would hope that after 14 years of marriage (I've known her for 20 and this happened about 25 years ago) that she would understand that I'm not trying to objectify her.

To be honest...I'm rather terrified of taking this step. After a few recent experiences that have reinforced the "don't live with regrets" mentality, I'm still like a deer-in-headlights when it comes to moving forward with this.

Thank you for your insight.

BTW - I was a huge Farside fan as a kid. Great comic strips.

Last edited by Jalapeno520; 04-19-2017 at 12:08 AM. Reason: Edit
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:08 AM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

Jalapeno520,

I think now is the time to sit her down and tell her exactly what you told us.
Tell her you understand she held the fort while you were away but you want more than a room mate. If she cannot see that a marriage is meant to be more then you do not have a future.

Lay out what you want to be done
1. MC
2. Openness and honesty about her feelings
3. Openness and honesty about your feelings

I am wondering what do you do for her to make her feel loved, cared for, sexy etc. We are only hearing what it is you want.

I have a H who works away and travels alot and tbh, I've become very self sufficient because of this. I don't want to rip his clothes off when he comes home, in fact it takes time to adjust to having him around and to work on the connection. For you it may be a matter of jumping in the sack, but her needs for time together, conversation, etc needs to be met too. A woman can feel a bit used if that is the only thing. Sure sex is important for the connection but so are many other things, maybe you are not doing it for her either?

The fact that you have brought up divorce many years ago has already cracked the marriage, you have broken her trust. How to be connected to someone who breaks your trust? It's very hard, she probably has built up a wall.
Have you read His Needs Her Needs, it might help both of you before you go ahead with divorce.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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How lonely. Yes, marriage isn't a prison sentence. You should divorce and find another woman that desires you. Life is short. Been there, done that.

No kids? Easy decision. Split your crap up 50/50, divorce, then go buy new crap. It's really simple.
Every day is a new day.

You don't have minor children. You are both in the prime of life. You are both gainfully employed and able to be self supporting.

Split stuff down the middle and you are each free to pursue your own interests.

She can find some guy to watch Netflix and not have sex and you can find some gal that has a sexdrive.

Don't over estimate her "devastation" or lack of coping.

Yes you will both shed a few tears into your pillows the first few nights on your own. But assuming she's under 250 lbs and isn't disfigured or deformed, have you ever known a reasonably attractive and self supporting woman that didn't have a line of guys wanting to hook up with her the moment she announces her divorce?
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Jalapeno520,

I think now is the time to sit her down and tell her exactly what you told us.
Tell her you understand she held the fort while you were away but you want more than a room mate. If she cannot see that a marriage is meant to be more then you do not have a future.

Lay out what you want to be done
1. MC
2. Openness and honesty about her feelings
3. Openness and honesty about your feelings

I am wondering what do you do for her to make her feel loved, cared for, sexy etc. We are only hearing what it is you want.

I have a H who works away and travels alot and tbh, I've become very self sufficient because of this. I don't want to rip his clothes off when he comes home, in fact it takes time to adjust to having him around and to work on the connection. For you it may be a matter of jumping in the sack, but her needs for time together, conversation, etc needs to be met too. A woman can feel a bit used if that is the only thing. Sure sex is important for the connection but so are many other things, maybe you are not doing it for her either?

The fact that you have brought up divorce many years ago has already cracked the marriage, you have broken her trust. How to be connected to someone who breaks your trust? It's very hard, she probably has built up a wall.
Have you read His Needs Her Needs, it might help both of you before you go ahead with divorce.
Thank you for your insight. I have already laid out the desire for marriage counseling, however, she seems to see it as a "mark of shame" of sorts. She basically has refused to go. I have been very open about my feelings in many regards, by she does not seem to return the candor. It's almost like an assault on the "perfect marriage."

As for what I do for her? Well, I know that I am very willing to do all the little things throughout the day that many men expect their wives to do; just because they're women. I usually wake up first - so I get coffee and breakfast read. I feed the dog. Etc. etc. I'm usually the first one home, so I have no problem figuring out what to have for dinner - then I make it. I take care of the yard, the garden, etc. etc. I try to do little things like put out rose cuttings from our garden for her. As for sexiness - I certainly let her know that I find her physically attractive. The lack of sex has nothing to do with a lack of attempts on my part. Although I am basically at the point of no longer asking for it because I'm tired of hearing "no, not today, I have a headache." I feel like replying, "if you have a headache everyday or one that lasts for a month - we need to take you to a neurologist."

And of course you're only going to get my side of the story. Any attempt at me trying to speak for her would be inaccurate. Again, to be honest, the fact that I had the courage to bring up the topic of divorce a while back gives me more confidence to do it again. If I cracked the trust of the marriage, I would say she forgot about the give-and-take of marriage long before that. Lastly, no I have not read the book you've recommended. I'm very wary of self-help books. Generally speaking I view them as quackery that allow psychologists and easy way to make a buck on people without giving them any real help. Just my opinion.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Every day is a new day.

You don't have minor children. You are both in the prime of life. You are both gainfully employed and able to be self supporting.

Split stuff down the middle and you are each free to pursue your own interests.

She can find some guy to watch Netflix and not have sex and you can find some gal that has a sexdrive.

Don't over estimate her "devastation" or lack of coping.

Yes you will both shed a few tears into your pillows the first few nights on your own. But assuming she's under 250 lbs and isn't disfigured or deformed, have you ever known a reasonably attractive and self supporting woman that didn't have a line of guys wanting to hook up with her the moment she announces her divorce?
You're basically on-point here. That is how I envision this happening. 50/50 split. But, I do see myself having to "plan ahead" in terms of putting some money aside for myself or researching an apartment/condo to move into (or a friend's couch). If I were to go ahead with this I really wouldn't want to be around for the waterworks or any other drama. I would want to pack up my stuff and just leave. Perhaps have the divorce papers prepped prior to leaving? I don't know.

For those of you that have gone through this before, what are the realistic logistical concerns you encountered? Basically, if you had to plan it out again, what would you do differently knowing what you know now?

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

Couldn't you both live in one of the two houses you own? that will keep you from having to find a condo etc.



You do matter!
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jalapeno520 View Post
Hello Everyone,

This is my first posting here, and I suppose like just about everyone else, the reason is that I am considering divorcing my wife.

A bit of context so that everyone can give their two cents: We married fairly young, I was 23 and she was 24 and we are now 37 and 38 respectively. About 18 months after our marriage, we decided that I should join the military and I served for 12 years on active duty; doing multiple combat tours overseas. During that time, I had quite a few "life or death" experiences that certainly change one's perspective on life. I digress, but I suppose this part of the situation is important, because none of the "typical" military marriage things happened. I.E. - she never cheated (to my knowledge), she never emptied our bank account on frivolous things and she was absolutely there for me 110%. That being said, I have this nagging feeling of marital emptiness. At the end of every day, it feels like I have a really reliable roommate or sister instead of a wife.

As I said previously, she has never cheated to my knowledge. In fact, I'd be surprised if she ever did as her sex drive is about as close to absolute zero as one can get. We've gone six months or more in the past without having sex. On my R&R from combat, you would think two people in love with each other would want to share themselves with one another, correct? Well, not so here. I can recall multiple times where we hadn't seen one another for almost a year, and I return home hoping for a passionate reunion...and...nothing. Perhaps a few days before I was scheduled to go back to combat we would have sex. Almost like it was an obligation due to contract. Completely one-sided.

Now, before everyone says I'm just a sex-crazed husband who refuses to accept reality, I have repeatedly expressed my desire for us to seek marriage counseling. "Sure, I suppose we could do that..." is the response, usually followed up with an expression communicating how embarrassing that would be. I've communicated my need for a more passionate and frequent sexual relationship. I've communicated what "turns me on" and tried to see if there was something I could change that would "turn her on" as well. I'm in relatively good shape and am rather confident in my appearance as well. However, I've always wondered if there was something she was ashamed to say was her turn-on. Never been able to get anything out of her in that regard. The lack of intimacy is almost mind-numbing. Once, about two years ago, after yet another argument about our sex life, I broached the topic of divorce and it utterly destroyed her. She turned on the waterworks and I was so heartbroken that I mentioned it that I've never spoken of it since. I don't expect "sex on demand" but I suppose it would be nice to feel like I'm remotely desired in some respect. I love her...but it feels like I'm married to a sister.

Anyhow, I also stated that she's a dead-reliable roommate. She is. She has a fantastic job that brings in more than I make (I have a great job too although I'm considering going back to school for a career change - which she does not support). We pay our bills on time. Both have excellent credit. We own two homes together. NO KIDS. One dog. Binge watch Netflix and Amazon Fire TV. Outwardly, we look like the perfect couple in many ways. We go wine tasting. We go to church (she has her faith, I've lost mine recently - she knows this too). We save for the rainy day. Etc. etc.

My ramblings lead me to this question: Do we as individuals deserve affection and deserve to be desired?

Deep down I want to leave. I know it will result in destroying her self-image. I know it will result in financial hardship - more for me than her (I'll have nowhere to go and our bank account is joint). I know it will result in a large amount of soul-searching on my part. I just know that I've gone 14 years thus far, and that I don't want to go another 14 with the same feelings. At this point they are just building and turning into resentment. I've stopped all the requests for counseling, stopped all the "lets communicate our needs" conversations, stopped all the "how can I change" conversations and I've stopped all the other random B.S. that I've thought would help.

To relate this back to my military service...after seeing the things I've seen, experiencing the things I've experienced and been to the places I've been to - I almost feel like I have been granted second and third chances at life. Almost like I'm entitled to live my life the way I want to regardless of what anyone else says or suggests - to include my wife. Is that selfish?

I suppose I honestly don't even know what I'm asking of everyone here except to be a sounding board for me. These are thoughts that have gone from once every now and then to an almost daily thought in the back of my mind.

I welcome any and all thoughtful perspectives. Thank you in advance.
Hi @Jalapeno520

Thanks for your post and your honesty. I echo the comments on your service - I honour you for your efforts. It must not have been easy.

Firstly, you are well within your rights to feel the way you do in terms of being granted 2nd and 3rd lives. You're the one that has been through those experiences and it's important to honour what you feel here without judgement. Thats what true authentic living is about.

In terms of lack of passion in your life, it's a really important part of a relationship and hence, does need to be addressed. You definitely aren't coming across as a sex-crazed husband IMO.

Now you mentioned in one of your replies the things that you do for her and a lot of them seemed like chores and things around the house. I totally hear what you're saying and as a guy, it's easy to think that what we would want, is what they want. Whilst it's great what you are doing all these things and helping out, i'm wondering whether it's actually giving her what she needs at her core. Personally, I had to learn this the hard way with my ex-wife. We were in a 'dead' relationship and even when I thought I was doing all these wonderful things, the truth was that I wasn't giving her what she needed at her core. I only truly grasped this idea a couple of years later when we had a good chat about everything. Needless to say, it was a huge light bulb moment for me and has ensured that my current marriage is operating at a completely different level.

In short, you have to really make a commitment to it and demonstrate that you're prepared to put the effort in again and again and again so that she feels at the deepest level that you are willing to cherish, adore, love and be present for her in ways that she's never experienced before. As one of the others said, continue to show appreciation for her and work on breaking down the wall that she would have built after the previous divorce talk. Attempt to create an environment for her to speak her truth to you about her needs. If you just go in there to have a 'talk' without the right environment being created, then it might be tricky to get the answers that you are looking for. However, if you can serve her in the ways that she needs regularly, as each emotional layer is peeled, she will become more and more open to talking to you. Listen with love. Listen with presence and truly connect with her. Lots of guys end up taking the comments they hear so personally and the defensiveness sets in which further exacerbates the issues. Not sure if this happens for you but just be mindful of this and avoid this.

If you can then truly say to yourself that you've done everything possible to turn it around and it's not working, then you can then exercise the separation path. Having said that, whichever path you take is your decision and you need to trust in that.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Couldn't you both live in one of the two houses you own? that will keep you from having to find a condo etc.
The other house is about 1,500 miles away unfortunately.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Originally Posted by Jalapeno520 View Post
Thank you for your insight. I have already laid out the desire for marriage counseling, however, she seems to see it as a "mark of shame" of sorts. She basically has refused to go. I have been very open about my feelings in many regards, by she does not seem to return the candor. It's almost like an assault on the "perfect marriage."

As for what I do for her? Well, I know that I am very willing to do all the little things throughout the day that many men expect their wives to do; just because they're women. I usually wake up first - so I get coffee and breakfast read. I feed the dog. Etc. etc. I'm usually the first one home, so I have no problem figuring out what to have for dinner - then I make it. I take care of the yard, the garden, etc. etc. I try to do little things like put out rose cuttings from our garden for her. As for sexiness - I certainly let her know that I find her physically attractive. The lack of sex has nothing to do with a lack of attempts on my part. Although I am basically at the point of no longer asking for it because I'm tired of hearing "no, not today, I have a headache." I feel like replying, "if you have a headache everyday or one that lasts for a month - we need to take you to a neurologist."

And of course you're only going to get my side of the story. Any attempt at me trying to speak for her would be inaccurate. Again, to be honest, the fact that I had the courage to bring up the topic of divorce a while back gives me more confidence to do it again. If I cracked the trust of the marriage, I would say she forgot about the give-and-take of marriage long before that. Lastly, no I have not read the book you've recommended. I'm very wary of self-help books. Generally speaking I view them as quackery that allow psychologists and easy way to make a buck on people without giving them any real help. Just my opinion.


I get what you mean about the psychological quackery but this book only highlights the needs of both men and women in a marriage and might give you added insight. You will see that sex is a high need for men. It might be useful if you read it together.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A New Lease on Life?

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Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Hi @Jalapeno520

Thanks for your post and your honesty. I echo the comments on your service - I honour you for your efforts. It must not have been easy.

Firstly, you are well within your rights to feel the way you do in terms of being granted 2nd and 3rd lives. You're the one that has been through those experiences and it's important to honour what you feel here without judgement. Thats what true authentic living is about.

In terms of lack of passion in your life, it's a really important part of a relationship and hence, does need to be addressed. You definitely aren't coming across as a sex-crazed husband IMO.

Now you mentioned in one of your replies the things that you do for her and a lot of them seemed like chores and things around the house. I totally hear what you're saying and as a guy, it's easy to think that what we would want, is what they want. Whilst it's great what you are doing all these things and helping out, i'm wondering whether it's actually giving her what she needs at her core. Personally, I had to learn this the hard way with my ex-wife. We were in a 'dead' relationship and even when I thought I was doing all these wonderful things, the truth was that I wasn't giving her what she needed at her core. I only truly grasped this idea a couple of years later when we had a good chat about everything. Needless to say, it was a huge light bulb moment for me and has ensured that my current marriage is operating at a completely different level.

In short, you have to really make a commitment to it and demonstrate that you're prepared to put the effort in again and again and again so that she feels at the deepest level that you are willing to cherish, adore, love and be present for her in ways that she's never experienced before. As one of the others said, continue to show appreciation for her and work on breaking down the wall that she would have built after the previous divorce talk. Attempt to create an environment for her to speak her truth to you about her needs. If you just go in there to have a 'talk' without the right environment being created, then it might be tricky to get the answers that you are looking for. However, if you can serve her in the ways that she needs regularly, as each emotional layer is peeled, she will become more and more open to talking to you. Listen with love. Listen with presence and truly connect with her. Lots of guys end up taking the comments they hear so personally and the defensiveness sets in which further exacerbates the issues. Not sure if this happens for you but just be mindful of this and avoid this.

If you can then truly say to yourself that you've done everything possible to turn it around and it's not working, then you can then exercise the separation path. Having said that, whichever path you take is your decision and you need to trust in that.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks
Hi shrah25,

Thank you for your kind words regarding my service and thank you for your posting. I think I know what you're saying about the serving and adoration. In a way I feel like I've gone beyond that phase because the serving and adoration are not returned. But, as you stated if I want to make this work then I have to make a commitment to making an environment conducive to getting her to open up in some form or other. I try not to take things personally and get overly defensive, but of course I'm just a human being. All I can do is try my best.

I think what hurts me the most is the lack of passion overall. I'm a firm believer that a kiss reveals quite a bit about the spark between two people. For quite some time the spark has been absent. I don't expect a make-out session every morning or whatever...but...something is missing. That's all.

Again, thanks to everyone for their perspectives. I truly appreciate all opinions.
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