***Long Post***
Background:
Married = 4 yrs
Husband – 2 adult children, early 50s, self employed
Wife – 1 teenage child, early 40s, professional, typical 8 to 5 job
No children together
Started with text from H after W left house for work:
H: This is a good read: Sends link to chat about “My wife never touches me”
W: This is a perfect read: Sends link to article “Why Women Leave Men”
H: Your link doesn’t work but maybe you need to figure out why your ex-husband left you?
W: LOL, roflol, are you serious? What drove your ex-wife away? Stop! I will email you the article. I’m not sure how to respond to one who pours 90% of their time and energy into work, friends, social media and gaming. And then, at the very end of the day, very late after no concern or interest towards me you want to be intimate. Doesn't work for me. No connection. FYI, me and the ex didn’t have intimacy issues.
H: Here’s a thought. Why don’t you touch me more and see if that makes a difference.
W: Your comment about the ex was completely unnecessary, unproductive and degrading. That really make me what to be intimate and to snuggle up against you, not!!!!
H: I was not degrading. You don’t take any responsibility. Like you had no fault in your divorce. And now everything is my fault now. If you didn’t have an intimacy issue you would still be married. I love you. I didn’t degrade you. How can you be intimate with your ex who cheated on you but not with me who takes your son to school daily? And I’m working hard to be able to leave an inheritance for my children and grandchildren. You are tearing me down.
W: Fact check: Intimacy was not the issue in my first marriage. Intimacy is an issue in “our” marriage. Let’s keep it separate.
W: Your last statement was perfect and confirms that 10% you give. “Your working hard to leave an inheritance for YOUR children and grandchildren. Your daily actions and now your words confirm it. You live for you and yours. I’m just an afterthought. Can you please tell me what you do for me specifically to meet my needs?
H: I try to meet your needs. Sorry they aren’t met.
W: Give me an example of how you try?
H: If you can’t see how, that’s your problem. I spend lots of money on household stuff and you never see it. Maybe being thankful for a change can change your perspective and the intimacy issues.
W: So our issues are all my fault? Also, you have not given an example of how you meet my needs. Ok if you cant, can you tell me what my needs are? Also, on the money issues I’ve had to reimburse you for all expenses you paid and I’ve met you half on everything, always. You require it.
H: You wouldn’t be divorced if you new what true intimacy was. You are deceived. Your greatest need is to play victim.
W: I get that your need touch to feel loved. But relationships are 2 way. Can you tell me what my primary love language is? Also, again with the name calling. Doesn’t help at all.
H: Woo wee, poor little victim who doesn’t like self evaluation
W: Sorry you feel that way about yourself.
H: I’m the victim of making a poor choice.
W: You are free to choose differently.
H: I thought you love language was touch. You lied. Red flag.
W: My primary is quality time. Secondary, touch but I can see why you only heard touch. Doesn’t matter.
H: You don’t even know what quality time is. You like to watch too much TV or you are always busy or tired. You are deceived.
W: Those things are an escapes. Also, why do you want to be intimate with someone you think and feel so lowly about?
H: You don’t have time to be intimate. Or you are bitter. You are just trying to manipulate and control. I tired to get involved with your hobby by telling you about others who like that and giving you money towards it. I was trying to meet your need.
W: I noticed that but I haven’t engaged in that hobby since last fall. I was letting it die. Refocusing my attention and you started investing in that dead thing. I didn’t ask you. You decided for yourself I needed to start back engaging into it without any conversation with me. This is becoming too trying to continue. This marriage has been contentious from the start. Always a battle. I think more about being single than continuing and this marriage. I try but we are both miserable. We just need to end this. This is craziness. Talking in circles, getting no where.
H: Your problem is that you love to run. Daydreaming about single life, bad. Marriage is a choice. You are choosing to meditate on singleness so you are making a choice. This is why I bury myself in work. This is heartbreaking, I want you to be happy with me but now I can stop beating my head against the wall since my wife is daydreaming about being single.
W: I just can’t. Everything gets twisted and used against me. I get called names and blamed for everything. You own nothing. This is hopeless and exhausting. I just want my peace back.
H: You don’t meet my needs either. I thought I was meeting your needs by pushing you toward your hobby. Tell me more about your needs. Happy daydreaming. You are a hypocrite. That’s why you are so tired. You have made me feel torn down too. You are so selfish, daydreaming about being single.
W: Well you live the single life daily. Your neglect is real but we can’t look at that. Funny how you went on a tirade a couple a months ago about being tired of this relationship and tired of trying. I say the same thing and you berate and degrade. This is hilarious. We don’t connect and you have mean tendencies toward me that I’m tired of.
H: It’s time for you to leave.
I think I agree. Time to leave!!!!
Background:
Married = 4 yrs
Husband – 2 adult children, early 50s, self employed
Wife – 1 teenage child, early 40s, professional, typical 8 to 5 job
No children together
Started with text from H after W left house for work:
H: This is a good read: Sends link to chat about “My wife never touches me”
W: This is a perfect read: Sends link to article “Why Women Leave Men”
H: Your link doesn’t work but maybe you need to figure out why your ex-husband left you?
W: LOL, roflol, are you serious? What drove your ex-wife away? Stop! I will email you the article. I’m not sure how to respond to one who pours 90% of their time and energy into work, friends, social media and gaming. And then, at the very end of the day, very late after no concern or interest towards me you want to be intimate. Doesn't work for me. No connection. FYI, me and the ex didn’t have intimacy issues.
H: Here’s a thought. Why don’t you touch me more and see if that makes a difference.
W: Your comment about the ex was completely unnecessary, unproductive and degrading. That really make me what to be intimate and to snuggle up against you, not!!!!
H: I was not degrading. You don’t take any responsibility. Like you had no fault in your divorce. And now everything is my fault now. If you didn’t have an intimacy issue you would still be married. I love you. I didn’t degrade you. How can you be intimate with your ex who cheated on you but not with me who takes your son to school daily? And I’m working hard to be able to leave an inheritance for my children and grandchildren. You are tearing me down.
W: Fact check: Intimacy was not the issue in my first marriage. Intimacy is an issue in “our” marriage. Let’s keep it separate.
W: Your last statement was perfect and confirms that 10% you give. “Your working hard to leave an inheritance for YOUR children and grandchildren. Your daily actions and now your words confirm it. You live for you and yours. I’m just an afterthought. Can you please tell me what you do for me specifically to meet my needs?
H: I try to meet your needs. Sorry they aren’t met.
W: Give me an example of how you try?
H: If you can’t see how, that’s your problem. I spend lots of money on household stuff and you never see it. Maybe being thankful for a change can change your perspective and the intimacy issues.
W: So our issues are all my fault? Also, you have not given an example of how you meet my needs. Ok if you cant, can you tell me what my needs are? Also, on the money issues I’ve had to reimburse you for all expenses you paid and I’ve met you half on everything, always. You require it.
H: You wouldn’t be divorced if you new what true intimacy was. You are deceived. Your greatest need is to play victim.
W: I get that your need touch to feel loved. But relationships are 2 way. Can you tell me what my primary love language is? Also, again with the name calling. Doesn’t help at all.
H: Woo wee, poor little victim who doesn’t like self evaluation
W: Sorry you feel that way about yourself.
H: I’m the victim of making a poor choice.
W: You are free to choose differently.
H: I thought you love language was touch. You lied. Red flag.
W: My primary is quality time. Secondary, touch but I can see why you only heard touch. Doesn’t matter.
H: You don’t even know what quality time is. You like to watch too much TV or you are always busy or tired. You are deceived.
W: Those things are an escapes. Also, why do you want to be intimate with someone you think and feel so lowly about?
H: You don’t have time to be intimate. Or you are bitter. You are just trying to manipulate and control. I tired to get involved with your hobby by telling you about others who like that and giving you money towards it. I was trying to meet your need.
W: I noticed that but I haven’t engaged in that hobby since last fall. I was letting it die. Refocusing my attention and you started investing in that dead thing. I didn’t ask you. You decided for yourself I needed to start back engaging into it without any conversation with me. This is becoming too trying to continue. This marriage has been contentious from the start. Always a battle. I think more about being single than continuing and this marriage. I try but we are both miserable. We just need to end this. This is craziness. Talking in circles, getting no where.
H: Your problem is that you love to run. Daydreaming about single life, bad. Marriage is a choice. You are choosing to meditate on singleness so you are making a choice. This is why I bury myself in work. This is heartbreaking, I want you to be happy with me but now I can stop beating my head against the wall since my wife is daydreaming about being single.
W: I just can’t. Everything gets twisted and used against me. I get called names and blamed for everything. You own nothing. This is hopeless and exhausting. I just want my peace back.
H: You don’t meet my needs either. I thought I was meeting your needs by pushing you toward your hobby. Tell me more about your needs. Happy daydreaming. You are a hypocrite. That’s why you are so tired. You have made me feel torn down too. You are so selfish, daydreaming about being single.
W: Well you live the single life daily. Your neglect is real but we can’t look at that. Funny how you went on a tirade a couple a months ago about being tired of this relationship and tired of trying. I say the same thing and you berate and degrade. This is hilarious. We don’t connect and you have mean tendencies toward me that I’m tired of.
H: It’s time for you to leave.
I think I agree. Time to leave!!!!