She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

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Old 01-09-2012, 02:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

1st, hello everyone. I'm glad I found this forum and even more grateful for the internet to connect people. I have been married for over 4 years now, and my wife and I have a child together (2yrold), she has a child (5yr) from a previous relationship. I have been married before and have 3 other children. For the last couple of years, our marriage has had its ups and downs, just like everyone else's. I work for the DoD and live in Germany, this is where I met my wife. I have been here over 5 years and got reassigned to move back to the U.S. With that being said. Our marriage has dipped to the lowest level the last year. When we argue, it turns out pretty ugly. I have threatened with divorce and pretty much being an a-hole, she has resulted to hitting and screaming (she never hit before). This last time, when the word divorce came to play (my end out of anger), she stuck to it, and now isn't backing up.

As far as love, yes, the love is still there, I know she loves me, and I love her too. I just think with all that is going on, she is insecure about leaving her comfort zone here in Germany and going to a new place where she doesn't know anything. I just don't know what to do with this. I have orders and must go. I know I take lots of fault, leading her to come to this conclusion. I'm just lost and broken and don't know where else to turn. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for this being so vague, I just don't know what else to say. I don't want to love my wife and family.
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

Have you talked to her lovingly and calmly, expressing that 1-you have no choice now, 2- you love her and your family and want her with you? and 3- divorce causes different and sometimes worse problems? It isn't always the answer.
She probably is scared and panicking and she needs to know she has security with you. It is scary for a girl to leave what she knows, loves, and is familiar with, to go to a foreign place. She needs to see it as an adventure, an opportunity, and that you love her and will always be there for her. Part of marriage is sticking by one another even when things don't always go your own way. Marriage is having to make sacrifices for one another. So many marriages fail because one spouse, or both, aren't willing to face those scarifices when they come. What is important to her in the end, the 'place' she lives in or that the 2 of you are together?
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Old 01-09-2012, 03:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

I know she is scared, and she has implicated this before. She feels insecure, especially after my idiotness has threatend with divorce. She feels that when we move, that i will have "the power" to do as be whatever i want and she wouldn't be able to do anything because she is in a foreign land. (Know what i mean?)

She know's everything here, and feels as if she could be more independent here, vs. being over there and feel as if she might be dependent. I don't know, but what i do know is that i love her, and really want to be with my kids. I'm just lost, as so many have been, and just don't know the right answer here.. Do i honor her request of splitting up, or should i continue to fight for it?

I don't want her to think i'm being selfish and only thinking about what is best for me.
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Old 01-09-2012, 04:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

It is NEVER selfish to fight for your marriage! You married each other, hopefully, for better or for worse? That includes everything, in my book, except infidelity. Even then, if you can.
You have a right to expect your wife to follow you and stay by your side; this is what marriage is.
Strongly apologize for the divorce threat and promise to never use it (as a tool or weapon) ever again.
Marriage is suppose to be for life. It is suppose to be 2 becoming as 1.
You must let her know you love her and will always be there for her in good times and bad times, because all marriages have bad times and struggle, but when you stick together, it makes you and your marriage stronger!
She needs to feel very loved right now. She needs to foresee a happy, loving life with you, wherever she goes with you.
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Old 01-09-2012, 04:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

She just sent me an email (i'm at work now) and said that she is leaving with the kids on the 27th. now i don't know what to do, i'm an extreme mess!
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Old 01-09-2012, 05:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

Try not to beg and plead in a way that might make her see you as weak. Is it possible to make a compromise with her? After telling her you love her, etc., maybe you can agree to applying to be stationed in Germany again the next opportunity? She may love the US, in the end. But til then...she owes it to you and the marriage to give it a fair chance in the states. Maybe you can talk about compromise. IF that doesn't work, I would back off for awhile, telling her that you love her and divorce is not what you want but you can't make her love you. Really keep quiet toward her for a few days, possibly forcing her to really HAVE to think of the seriousness of what she is doing. As long as she feels in control of you and the marriage, she will make demands. If you can back off just enough to let her see that her threats may not work on you, it really may force her to step down and think about losing you.
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Old 01-09-2012, 05:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

I don't know if something like that would work, she is quite stubborn and sticks to her guns. I just don't know how to deal with knowing that when I go home today, my days are numbered with the time I have with my family. Its like being on death row and knowing that everything you love will soon come to an end.
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Old 01-09-2012, 03:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

Well it wont be the first time. You have come to terms with it before. So why is this time so much harder.
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Old 01-10-2012, 12:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by accept View Post
Well it wont be the first time. You have come to terms with it before. So why is this time so much harder.
It is harder because i have built everything around my family, i have worke hard to create a stable enviornment even though sometimes i fall short or mess up. I know the pain i went through before; it was horrible.

We spoke lastnight, and just got things all out in the open. She admitted she was scared but she feels that she must focus all her energy on the kids. I don't know how i will be knowing that i am a world apart. I am completely numb right now.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to stay, even though I have to go :(

Jay, is your child a US citizen, a dual citizen. I would get yourself ASAP to the embassy or a field office and ask about your rights, custody, visitation orders etc.
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