01-09-2012, 06:25 PM
Join Date: Jan 2012
| | Re: My Marriage is at bottom/over - how do we rebuild trust?
Sitka - I'm glad I can help. This book has been awesome for me, and my wife is ordering it for her Kindle and I think it will greatly help her in her healing.
I came to realize it very soon after my wife left to have some time to herself. Through IC and MC it was like you said, a big light bulb went off in my head and discovered that my abusive behaviour had ruined our marriage, and has deeply emotionally hurt my wife. Someone who I love to no end, the person I married, and promised to love forever. She trusted me with her heart, and I have broken that trust. I cannot believe that my anger (out of anger comes controlling attitude, dismissing her opinions, making her feel very little, etc.) has caused me to lose the person that I care for most in this world (outside of our two beautiful daughters!). Don't get me wrong, there were more good times than there were bad, (those are my wife's words from our last counselling session) but the bad times were pretty bad. I never called her names, or scream right in her face, or call her stupid or something like that, but I would get extremely angry and 'snap'. Twice I have put my fist through a wall. I have never hurt her physically, never laid a hand on her. But, I have still hurt her just as much inside.
If your husband truly loves you he needs to go to counselling, and he needs to read this book, and he needs to admit that he is emotionally abusing you. If it doesn't happen soon, as much as it has crushed me in my situation, you need to leave. It is a 'trial seperation', and hopefully he will wake up!!
I am now 150% committed to making myself a better person, and stopping my pattern of emotional abuse. Whatever it takes, I am going to fix this. That was the old testing, the new testing refuses to hurt someone like I have hurt my wife. I am not a malicious person, I do not want to 'hurt' people. I would never get angry with anyone else other than my wife, why would I do that to the person I loved so much? It has been very hard for me to come to the conclusion that I'm an abuser, and it has been very hard to admit. I just hope it's not too late.
And if it is too late, at the very least I will be a much better person for my next partner down the road. I am generally a very caring and good person, a very strong family man who likes to take care of his family. I just have an anger issue that I need to get sorted out, one that I KNOW I can sort out.