My wife lied about her past - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 07:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past

I apologize for my language. I have said some pretty bad things to my wife (including that) that I shouldn't have. You are right that I may regret that once (if) things calm down. Right now I'd love nothing more than to never go home. We do have kids together (that were probably created on her part to trap me once I found this out) and that makes it harder to leave. If we didn't have kids, I don't think I'd think twice. I don't want my kids to be subjected to her bringing man after man around and popping out kid after kid to milk the system.

I don't know how I am going to ever calm down from this. I loathe her.

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post #17 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Vandason: Right now your emotions are all over the place. Take a while to breathe and think.

All this proves is that she was young and foolish. I tend to think that a woman such as your wife tended to seek approval in men. The issue of entrapment is troubling, but also speaks to a significant amount of emotional immaturity, as do the lies. Whether or not you should divorce is up to you, I am not that wise. If it were me, I would tend to err toward seeing it as a forgiveable sin. She needs therapy, though. And you need to go with her, for support. Good or bad, you've made a life with her.
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post #18 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by vandason View Post
I apologize for my language. I have said some pretty bad things to my wife (including that) that I shouldn't have. You are right that I may regret that once (if) things calm down. Right now I'd love nothing more than to never go home. We do have kids together (that were probably created on her part to trap me once I found this out) and that makes it harder to leave. If we didn't have kids, I don't think I'd think twice. I don't want my kids to be subjected to her bringing man after man around and popping out kid after kid to milk the system.

I don't know how I am going to ever calm down from this. I loathe her.
Milk the system? What system did she milk for the first 3 children? It's not like she got child support.

Last edited by EleGirl; 05-12-2017 at 10:43 PM.
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post #19 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by vandason View Post
I apologize for my language. I have said some pretty bad things to my wife (including that) that I shouldn't have. You are right that I may regret that once (if) things calm down. Right now I'd love nothing more than to never go home. We do have kids together (that were probably created on her part to trap me once I found this out) and that makes it harder to leave. If we didn't have kids, I don't think I'd think twice. I don't want my kids to be subjected to her bringing man after man around and popping out kid after kid to milk the system.

I don't know how I am going to ever calm down from this. I loathe her.
Did your children hear you talk to her like this?

Right now, you are on a very bad rollercoaster. Your car is crashing down the steep ramp, you are holding on for dear life and screaming in fear.

For the next while you will be up and down on that roller coaster. One day feeling ok, the next you will be right back where you are right now.

Do not make any decisions until you are off the rollercoaster.

And stop yelling at her and calling her names. How does that help you or your children.
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post #20 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Brother I say leave her. You appear to have been irrevocably deceived, and unless you can make peace with it; will surely eat at you for the rest of your days. But you'd do well to remember this.......she most certainly will drag you through the courts for child support.
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post #21 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Yes, our kids heard some of what I said to her. Our neighbours heard more. That is a large reason I left for at least tonight. Our kids don't need to hear what I was saying to her and don't need to find out about her lies that way. She does need to tell her kids the truth. The two youngest, their father's didn't abandon them they have no idea the kids exist because my wife hid that info from their fathers. They need to know, but not in the way I was saying it. Right now I can't look at her without wanting to yell at her so staying away is better. My wife isn't a fighter, she'll just take whatever is thrown at her.
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post #22 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:52 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

OP,
You are accurate in your assessment that by and large people cannot change however children can and very often do as they mature. The human brain continues to develop into the mid twenties at which point ones synaptic pathways are set for life. Your wife was still within that period during her "wild times" and it is quite reasonable to assume that she has matured beyond where she was then. It would be prudent to analyze her current behavior to ascertain if she has indeed matured.

What is she like now, how good of a mother is she, how responsible, how caring, how is she with the family finances and most importantly, this revelation aside, how has she behaved in the marriage? Is she honest, dedicated, trustworthy, sincere and open? If the answer is yes to all of these then she deserves to be judged on the person she is now rather than the child she was. The children have no choice but to accept her as she is their mother however you do have a choice. Her dishonesty may very well have stemmed from the fact that she was terrified of losing you. It was not the right thing to do but it is to some degree understandable.

Once the initial impact of her revelation subsides you will then be faced with a choice. DO you accept her past as that of an immature girl stumbling through relationships and accept your role as husband and assume the responsibility of parent to those children or do you divorce and co-parent only your children? It is a daunting role to assume but you seemed prepared prior to finding out this new information.

As to what people think I would place more emphasis on how this will affect those children, yours included, than I would others perception of her past character. If she has matured and has demonstrated that maturity in the marriage thus far then perhaps it is prudent to let the past be the past and to focus more on the future. I understand it is quite a lot to process and certainly no one would question you if you left but I suggest that you carefully weigh your options and consider the children and their future without you.

Their fathers abandoned them and you may be their last chance for a family. I do not mean to cause guilt I am just stating what could easily be fact. The only chance a woman with six children and her background may have is to find either an extraordinarily understanding man or to use subterfuge in the relationship as she did with you, which has not worked out too well. Were you happy before? Can you be happy again if she is indeed a different person? Only you can make that determination and I wish you strength and wisdom as you do. Good fortune.

After I posted there were more posts and the fact that only one father abandoned his child was given. It changes little, especially where the children are involved. It just further demonstrates her immaturity. Also, to loath someone is quite damning. It is understandable that hearing this has shaken you to your core but with time this will subside and order will replace chaos. Allow yourself to process, you have just been given a lot of data.

Last edited by NoChoice; 05-12-2017 at 09:02 PM. Reason: Additional information.
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post #23 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:56 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Yes she was a very very irresponsible person having sex with more than 20 men, especially with no protection. Its hard to see what she was thinking, why did she want 3 children with 3 different dads? Also there was the very high risk of Stds as well. She will be lucky if she escaped those completely. Also she didn't come clean and you had to find out yourself. Yes she did marry you under false pretenses, there is no doubt about that.

However, I think of the children, her three who are innocent in all this(and who BTW need to be told the truth as they may well find out later), and the three you have together. Thats a lot of young lives that will be devastated if you just pack up and leave. Aren't they worth at least trying for? With time and MC etc I am sure that this CAN be worked though. Of course you are angry, anyone would be, but given time you will calm down and be able to think more rationally. As a dad you have responsibilities and her first 3 children have already been messed up enough.

You may need to stay away from her for a few days/weeks till you feel calmer,but please see the children, even if you have to take them out to eat or something.

Last edited by Diana7; 05-12-2017 at 09:03 PM.
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post #24 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Milk that system? What system did she milk for the first 3 children? It's not like she got child support.
Govt payouts??
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post #25 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 09:54 PM
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Cool Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by vandason View Post
I apologize for my language. I have said some pretty bad things to my wife (including that) that I shouldn't have. You are right that I may regret that once (if) things calm down. Right now I'd love nothing more than to never go home. We do have kids together (that were probably created on her part to trap me once I found this out) and that makes it harder to leave. If we didn't have kids, I don't think I'd think twice. I don't want my kids to be subjected to her bringing man after man around and popping out kid after kid to milk the system.

I don't know how I am going to ever calm down from this. I loathe her.
Worst possible scenario, file for both divorce and for custody of your child with her! The problem therein is that all of those other kids of hers, whom you have perhaps grown attached to while being there, would be totally left in the lurch! And you probably wouldn't want to see that play out either!

I'm taking it that she is not receiving any kind of court-ordered child support or assistance for any of her kids!



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post #26 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 10:25 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:12 PM.
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post #27 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:12 PM.
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post #28 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 10:57 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Govt payouts??
He said that he met her when she was working at the same place he was working. So, she probably was not on government benefits.

Id rather have an answer from the OP instead of getting responses from people are simply guess.
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post #29 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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You can ask for 100% custody of your biological kids - she had a handful so that may work. Depending on how old the others are you may want partial custody.
This is what I'd be doing ^

Look, you gotta get over the number of people she's had sex with, and the fact that she has 3 kids from 3 different dads. SFW? You said you wouldn't have married her if you knew that, and that's your right (which was taken away from you) - but at the end of the day, it shouldn't make her any less worthy of being loved (by the right man, which you admit that you would not have been). Anyway, it's a completely moot point, because it's not what this is about.

The real, and only, issue, IMO is that she lied to you about all of this. That's ****ing terrible, TBH. Not only that, but she never told the fathers of two of the kids that she was having their baby. That's awful, and divorce-worthy, IMO.

Look, us dudes need to get off this BS about women having "lots" of sex (or god forbid, getting pregnant) before marriage. We men have been doing this for eons - but we don't get pregnant, nor do we get reputations, so we get to walk away thinking we're just guys being guys. So don't make this about that.

What it IS about is that she did it all on purpose, and hid it from you. She did some dumb **** - which we're all entitled to, and most of us have done - but she didn't OWN it. And that's where this all went off the rails. You were duped, no doubt about it. I'd be out of there, too, honestly. But NOT because she did some stupid **** before I came along. Solely because she didn't own it, and lied to you (and many many others) about it all.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #30 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by vandason View Post
My wife isn't a fighter, she'll just take whatever is thrown at her.
And that probably explains a lot right there.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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