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post #31 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by vandason View Post
I loathe her.
This is very concerning, OP. It makes me worry for her safety with you.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #32 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

How timely that this thread shows up when we all have been discussing the very topic about disclosure of your past.
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post #33 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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I donít know where to go from here and this isnít something I want to talk to friends or family about. Just admitting that is the type of woman I married is embarrassing. In it all I have to think about the kids, hers and ours. I am the only father any of them have known. We have 6 kids between 4 months to 15 years, anything that I do affects them. I donít want to leave my kids with a bat**** crazy mother, who would probably turn around and get knocked up by a few more strangers.
You have been with her for 8 years. It seemed pretty stable from what I can read. Hasn't she matured? She is probably in a better position now than before.

She deceived you and I think there are good reasons for it from reading your reaction. Hopefully what she has gained in those 8 years with you has really benefited her and will let her have a more normal life.

You have an opportunity to make a difference in her life, the life of her first 3 kids and your 3 kids together. Keep in mind, we live life only once. I understand it hurts right now, but look at what you have now. Are you willing to throw it away just because your pride is hurt?

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post #34 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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You have been with her for 8 years. It seemed pretty stable from what I can read. Hasn't she matured? She is probably in a better position now than before.

She deceived you and I think there are good reasons for it from reading your reaction. Hopefully what she has gained in those 8 years with you has really benefited her and will let her have a more normal life.

You have an opportunity to make a difference in her life, the life of her first 3 kids and your 3 kids together. Keep in mind, we live life only once. I understand it hurts right now, but look at what you have now. Are you willing to throw it away just because your pride is hurt?
Wow. Is that true, OP? Is this just about your pride?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #35 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:30 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Look, us dudes need to get off this BS about women having "lots" of sex (or god forbid, getting pregnant) before marriage. We men have been doing this for eons - but we don't get pregnant, nor do we get reputations, so we get to walk away thinking we're just guys being guys. So don't make this about that.
Not all of us have. If you are the kind of person who didn't sleep with a lot of people then I think you have a right to be pissed if she did and pretended she thought about it the way you did, but really didn't. We don't know what OP thought about that. I do agree though that if you were the kind that did you don't have a right to be pissed if your partner did too. But your perspective is from the idea that all men want to sleep with anyone who is willing. Some of us don't think that way.
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post #36 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

OP how would you say your marriage has been? I do get that this is an incredible betrayal, but do you still love her?
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post #37 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 02:32 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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He said that he met her when she was working at the same place he was working. So, she probably was not on government benefits.

Iíd rather have an answer from the OP instead of getting responses from people are simply guess.
I the UK if you are a single parent or a couple on low income you can get govt help as well even if you are working.
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post #38 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 02:34 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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How timely that this thread shows up when we all have been discussing the very topic about disclosure of your past.
Yes and this is why its so vital that we are honest about such massive issues.
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post #39 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:02 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by vandason View Post

Yesterday I was decluttering and found the box where my wife keeps our important documents such as passports, birth certificates, etc.

What she told me:
She had two teenage relationships from 12-16


Hi vandason,

This is a totally prosaic comment, but make sure really important documents are stored in a metal box or file cabinet; with a lock. The lock improves privacy and security--and the metal protects against fire. I just got the impression that your docs. were being stored in an old shoebox; hope I'm wrong.

Was your wife having intercourse at the age of 12? Yikes, I sure hope her 12-14 years boyfriends were nothing more than kissing and petting. I think intercourse before 15 is damaging; lots of folks will disagree with me, I'm sure. I think kids should be allowed to finish physical development, and focus on school and friendships and sports and hobbies; not the intense emotional after effects and physical responsibilities of having sexual intercourse.


I'm projecting my own experience with habitual liars here; so take that into consideration.

I wouldn't trust your wife as far as I could throw her. Hope I'm wrong. And you're not me, of course. I've had the experience with close family members of having dreadfully serious lies told to me about my own parentage; and then realize that everything told to me my whole life, was embellishment upon those initial lies.

So, I would NEVER trust someone like this.


God, do I feel bad for those kids. Especially the first 3 who don't have the faintest ****ing idea who their dad is. Unless you experience this void in your life folks, you can't understand the full impact it has on your sense of belonging and identity.
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post #40 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:02 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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This is very concerning, OP. It makes me worry for her safety with you.
I'm more concerned for OP's safety after him learning this. Are there no depths a woman can sink to and still people leap to their defense? The dude's done nothing wrong except been lied to and try to give 3 kids that weren't his a better life. And now he's going to harm her in some way? Talk about kicking a man while he's down. Staggering.

This woman has implemented the female mating strategy brutally. And now for the sake of those 6 beautiful innocent kids, he's got to go through hell FOR BEING DECENT. Naive, but DECENT.

Makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. You have my full support, vandason. And don't you let ANYONE tell you your feelings are not valid while they rally round protecting what they SEE as vulnerable should you have the 'audacity' to raise your voice a little.

Chin up, brother.

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post #41 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 07:04 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Originally Posted by Duguesclin View Post

She deceived you and I think there are good reasons for it from reading your reaction. Hopefully what she has gained in those 8 years with you has really benefited her and will let her have a more normal life.
I have to disagree here..there is never a good reason to lie to a person to get them to marry you. If the person you are interested in cant accept you then move on but dont lie to get what you want.

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Yes and this is why its so vital that we are honest about such massive issues.
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post #42 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 07:30 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Yes she was a very very irresponsible person having sex with more than 20 men, especially with no protection. Its hard to see what she was thinking, why did she want 3 children with 3 different dads? Also there was the very high risk of Stds as well. She will be lucky if she escaped those completely. Also she didn't come clean and you had to find out yourself. Yes she did marry you under false pretenses, there is no doubt about that.

However, I think of the children, her three who are innocent in all this(and who BTW need to be told the truth as they may well find out later), and the three you have together. Thats a lot of young lives that will be devastated if you just pack up and leave. Aren't they worth at least trying for? With time and MC etc I am sure that this CAN be worked though. Of course you are angry, anyone would be, but given time you will calm down and be able to think more rationally. As a dad you have responsibilities and her first 3 children have already been messed up enough.

You may need to stay away from her for a few days/weeks till you feel calmer,but please see the children, even if you have to take them out to eat or something.
This would have been my answer.

Children are precious and are innocent players in this...this, circus.

Poop happens. Shake your head, chuckle under your breathe and get past this. What else can you do?

Life is great!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #43 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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I have to disagree here..there is never a good reason to lie to a person to get them to marry you.
I agree. Lies of commission or omission are likely to come back to bite you, like it did the OP's wife.

Be transparent in serious dating and let the chips fall where they may. It weeds out incompatible partners.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #44 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:08 AM
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My wife lied about her past

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Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:12 PM.
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post #45 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:13 PM.
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