My wife lied about her past - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past

When I said milk the system I meant government money. She wasn't working much until she finished her degree. It took her 10 years to get a 5 year degree. She finished her degree the year we met. She was on student loans and bursaries at the time and was given a lot more than someone without children. A lot of her loans were forgiven. Compared to responsible people who don't receive the same handouts.

She has been a good wife. I wouldn't have married her if she wasn't. She comes off as almost a perfect wife. Of course we have some problems sometimes but overall we've been happy. She's kind of a doormat, whatever I say goes even though I want her to voice her opinion and do what she wants to. But, a good wife wouldn't lie about something like this. thought she was trustworthy but she has proved otherwise.

She is a lot better than I am at managing our schedule with 6 kids when they all have places to be. Our kids were planned, there were no surprises. She is fine with money, she isn't a big spender. The only things she buys are things for the kids (needed or not). We don't have financial problems. She has no male friends, almost never goes out with friends.

On the outside she comes off as a great mother. She is always doing things with the kids and fully engaged with them, she takes good care of them, she is far better at managing all the **** than I am, she rarely yells, she loves being a mother, our kids are good kids. But there is still the issue of, she is lying to her 3 about their parentage and history. A good mother wouldn't do that. A good mother wouldn't rip their father's away from them.

Usually I don't differentiate between her kids and our kids. I'm not super close with her two oldest, more with the youngest. All of them call me dad, though, and did that on their own. In the past we talked about me adopting her three. She basically said no because it would be too difficult to have their father removed from the birth certificates. Which was a massive lie because legally none of them have a father. She didn't want to come clean and in return didn't allow them to legally have a father.

None of their fathers have ever paid a cent of child support, seeing as they are not legally the fathers and 2/3 don't know they are fathers. She told me that she never tried to go for child support, for any of them. She says she knows who fathered each, though I'm not sure if I believe that. She said she didn't go for child support because she didn't think it was fair, and didn't think those men would be a good influence for the kids.

Our kids are worth trying, but I don't know if she is. I feel like it's rewarding her ****ty behaviour. Staying for the kids is never a good idea. The first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was that I don't want to be married to her.

Fighting for full custody is something that I have been thinking about. The system is so broken that even with her history I doubt I'd get more than 50/50. Her kids are 12, 13, 15. Ours are 4, 1 and an infant. Legally I have no right to the older kids, they are old enough to make a decision - maybe.

I am going to take some time away from my wife. I don't know how long. I don't think she deserves to know how long. She did this to herself. I do want to talk to our kids (at least the oldest 4) and see them, I just don't want to see my wife at all.

I don't particularly care how many men she slept with - whatever. It's that she lied about it. I didn't ever ask her "number", but she still managed to lie. We'd have conversations about how she felt like she was inexperienced because she had only been with 3 men, only 1 as an adult. But she wasn't inexperienced, those conversations were a lie. All the times we tried different things in the bedroom and she acted inexperienced, probably a lie. She sold herself as a person who thought sex was special and shouldn't be handed out to anyone, lie. And yes, she was 12-13 the first time she had sex.

It's that she lied and was insanely irresponsible with human lives. That she intentionally got pregnant the first time because, in her words, she had a strong urge to have a baby after having an unplanned miscarriage. She lied to the man she was with and got knocked up. Then she sought out other men to have unprotected sex with and get pregnant two more times. Then didn't even bother to tell them she was pregnant. I would be pissed and hurt if I had a child out there that was taken from me and raised believing I wanted nothing to do with it. This has nothing to do with pride.

As pissed as I am at my wife, no I'm not going to ****ing beat her or whatever was implied by "jld". A man can be angry without laying a hand on his wife, or anyone else.

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post #47 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Thank you for saying this. I'm really tired of people throwing out the "us men are all whoring around so we should stop having a double standard" bs. No - many of us weren't and chose not to associate (perhaps other than as friends) with those who did this.

I think it's time to do the opposite and not try to hide our values and judgements where it has to do with character.

I'm a pretty liberal minded guy and don't really care what anyone does in their own sphere - but don't try to drag me into your personal hedonism especially by lying about it.


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Agree 110%...everyone has their set of values and dealbreakers and if a person has not been promiscuous and wants a spouse who has lived by the same values there is NOTHING wrong with that and these people should not be vilified. We tend to harshly judge those who want a spouse who has had a similar sexual history to their own.

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post #48 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Glad to hear it, OP. When a person says he "loathes" his wife, especially after a big surprise like this one, I do worry about her safety with him.

How is your wife reacting to all this, btw?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #49 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

You both are in need counseling, whichever way you go. Seriously. You have to be the adult here, your family depends upon it.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #50 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Hate didn't seem strong enough. I want to say that I don't care how my wife feels/is reacting. I care because it's affecting our children. She is more upset than I have ever seen her. She has called dozens of times and filled my voicemail, I haven't listened to them. All I care about is our kids, mostly the 4 oldest because they are aware of what is going on (me not being there, us fighting). Our 4 year old is old enough to know I'm not there, but won't totally understand it. The 3 oldest will fully understand that we are fighting. The oldest, who is 15, texted me a couple times. He's more upset that his mom and siblings are upset. That is what I care about, not my wife being sorry she got caught. They are who I want to care for.
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post #51 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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You both are in need counseling, whichever way you go. Seriously. You have to be the adult here, your family depends upon it.
Definitely those 6 kids need the OP..

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #52 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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She deceived you and I think there are good reasons for it from reading your reaction. Are you willing to throw it away just because your pride is hurt?
So because he has standards and moral fiber, it's HIS fault she deceived him and she was justified in doing so? Good grief. If her moral fiber wasn't mulch, they wouldn't even be here. And WTF has pride got to do with it? He'll be 'jealous' next? Holy sh!t.

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Sorry but this is God awful, paternalistic, and condescending. This is advice for a stepfather to stay in the life of a troubled young adult who is involved in drugs or prostitution. Then you can cite how the stepfathers involvement could make a difference in the life of a child or young adult.

Putting OP's W in that camp - as a child in need of a fathers support and guidance is the perfect advice to f*** up someone's life and encourage them to become a lifelong martyr.

Wow you hit that out of the park.

Oh and I didn't want to bring this up yet, but get a DNA test on those kids of "yours".
Bang on.

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Agree 110%...everyone has their set of values and dealbreakers and if a person has not been promiscuous and wants a spouse who has lived by the same values there is NOTHING wrong with that and these people should not be vilified. We tend to harshly judge those who want a spouse who has had a similar sexual history to their own.
Yes. Shaming men who have standards is just a poor decision defense mechanism.
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post #53 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Hate didn't seem strong enough. I want to say that I don't care how my wife feels/is reacting. I care because it's affecting our children. She is more upset than I have ever seen her. She has called dozens of times and filled my voicemail, I haven't listened to them. All I care about is our kids, mostly the 4 oldest because they are aware of what is going on (me not being there, us fighting). Our 4 year old is old enough to know I'm not there, but won't totally understand it. The 3 oldest will fully understand that we are fighting. The oldest, who is 15, texted me a couple times. He's more upset that his mom and siblings are upset. That is what I care about, not my wife being sorry she got caught. They are who I want to care for.
Have you ever heard the saying, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother"?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #54 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

Vandason, she sounds like a great wife to you and a great mom to your kids prior to this revelation.

I want to pose a theory to you, and take it for what it is worth. I think she was so desperate to be a mother and wife that she took unhealthy measures to become so. This does not make it better, but simply may give you some insight into why.

I think it is important to not paint her intentions in this as somehow nefarious.

She certainly needs counseling. If you consider continuing in this marriage, I would insist upon it.

I would encourage you to carefully consider before you decide to throw this marriage away. She sounds like she loves to serve you, and if you spend enough time on this site, you will realize that this is rare.

That said, you must insist on her coming clean about everything. Give her one opportunity to save the marriage. Insist that any future lies will be grounds for you to end it.

I do agree with you taking some time away. However, You need to communicate to her the length of time. Don't prop up her poor behavior as justification for you to behave in a lousy manner yourself. Be the better person in this situation.

Keep posting. There's going to be plenty to deal with emotionally as this continues.

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 05-13-2017 at 10:53 AM.
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post #55 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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My wife isn't a fighter, she'll just take whatever is thrown at her.

She comes off as almost a perfect wife.

She told me that she never tried to go for child support, for any of them.

And yes, she was 12-13 the first time she had sex.
Your wife sounds like she has always been very passive and took the path of least resistance.

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post #56 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

This I know.

If you stick around and let this information fade away, she will go from being a good wife, TO A WONDERFUL WIFE.

She will be scared crapless that you will one day walk away.

This sounds like a good deal to me.

On the multiple men sex thing...."their thing" does not wear out.
On the multiple father thing....you are the father, NOW.

Let it go. You are now King in your Castle....believe me.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #57 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Let it go. You are now King in your Castle....believe me.
Exactly the point, that woman that had kids with different guys does not exist anymore. She's been replaced by your wife, and by your own accounts, shes been pretty good. And the kids: YOU ARE THE DAD.

Process this. Don't blow up a good thing because she was once young and foolish. Has she stepped out on you? Nope! Has she betrayed you? Don't call this betrayal. Nope. So, she's been good and true. Yup. Isn't that saying something? The past is the past. This was before you were in her life. Don't you have a few skeletons that you'd like never to see the light of day?
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post #58 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:10 PM.
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post #59 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

.

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post #60 of 161 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past

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Thank you for saying this. I'm really tired of people throwing out the "us men are all whoring around so we should stop having a double standard" bs. No - many of us weren't and chose not to associate (perhaps other than as friends) with those who did this.

I think it's time to do the opposite and not try to hide our values and judgements where it has to do with character.

I'm a pretty liberal minded guy and don't really care what anyone does in their own sphere - but don't try to drag me into your personal hedonism especially by lying about it.


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Gimme a break guys. I didn't say that.

What I'm saying is that it's the least of his issues, yet it's being lumped in with the other, actual horrible things she's done.

For the record, I didn't ***** around. I've been with a minimal number of women in my life. Probably laughably low by some standards.

What I did say, gentlemen, is that if one "*****s around", they should own it. For ME, it's not something that would stop me from loving someone. Lying about it would be.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."

Last edited by alexm; 05-13-2017 at 03:36 PM.
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