My original thread on probably wanting a divorce is here. (And for anyone who reads just my first post, no, I am not having a physical or emotional affair.)
In Summary: I get along well with my husband but I have regretted marrying him from the second I did it. I started to break up with him when we were dating and he talked me into staying. The biggest issue is that I had been supporting him financially, but because of or in addition to that, I did not feel any passion/intimacy with him. I kept telling myself what we had was better than what most married people have and I should count my blessings, it was good enough. But now, I find I cannot tolerate this level of "almost happy" any longer. I am also 51 with zero savings after working non-stop being self employed supporting him and a lifestyle he wanted that I did not all these years. Also after we married he started developing auto immune health issues and now has that, lots of exhaustion, and migraines.
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So, I told my husband I want a divorce about 3 days ago. Despite my telling him I was unhappy and trying to get him to do MarriageBuilders with me for years, he was completely blind sided and stunned. Suddenly he wanted to start going to church, and walking our dogs together every day, and work on my/our business. For 3 nights in a row now we sat down to dinner together at his request (something I've requested and he's refused to do our whole relationship.) Prior to my announcement I feel he has been trying really hard, and while I enjoy him much more, in my heart, I just want out. He asked if I would at least go to counseling or do marriage builders with him. (In the past he was hostile and unwilling when I tried to get him to do MB he was hostile/resistant and I gave up). He also went and listened to the entire book His Needs Her Needs from MB in one day and talked with me about it over dinner and talked with me for three hours. (There was a time when he would not even have a conversation with me.) Basically every single thing I have been complaining about for years he stopped doing and everything I've wanted he says he wants too. (Moving somewhere cheaper, eating dinner together, etc.)
He does NOT want a divorce. He says this has rocked him to his core and even though I told him I was not happy before he was selfish and lazy and didn't understand it was serious. He put me down jokingly all the time and it really crushed my spirit. He says he was just insecure and not feeling good about himself and that was just a bad habit and he hasn't done it once in the last 3 days.
I know it's only been 3 days but he has been consistently wonderful. But I still don't want to be married to him. I don't feel any passion and I feel burdened by him, like if I stay it's only because I feel guilty about hurting him.
I told him multiple times that I want a divorce and don't see any hope for that changing. But my actions are not consistent in that I still give him hugs and eat dinner with him and walk the dogs with him. He is acting like we are fixing our marriage and I feel that 5% maybe there is a chance, but 95% like I would just be staying out of obligation.
I told him that I'm willing to stay in the house for awhile and see if my feelings change but I still plan to separate our finances (open a business account that does not have his name on it) and I want him to think about what he wants to do financially in the event that we do get divorced. I told him I want a legal separation to stop the clock on my business because I'm hoping to release a product in a few months that could be profitable and I don't want to owe him more. (I know that's horrible but I feel like I'm misleading him if I am not honest.)
His reaction is to tell me that he accepts all blame for our problems (I don't agree) but I am wrong to wait until I want a divorce to tell him I want a divorce, and I owe it to him to work on the marriage and he does not want any legal separation. I say "if we stay together what difference does it make? It is just to protect me because for 20 years we have not protected me. If we're going to stay married and make all this money then what is the problem? He gets very hurt at this and says he just can't bear to have that between us. He does not want to look back on our marriage some day and know we did that. Then he acts like we're happily married and all is well. When I am with him, I feel wishy washy and sympathetic to his point of view and I know he feels he just got hit with this, it's very new to him. When I get away from him and think, I feel manipulated and like his reaction is proof that he doesn't really care about my financial security.
So my questions:
1. Am I wrong to stay in the house with him and act like a spouse if I feel pretty certain in my heart that I want a divorce, even if I have told him with words that I don't feel there is hope? I told him I would drop the money / divorce talk for a couple days, and he keeps talking about the future - things we have planned months from now, like it's all a given.
2. If he's wiling to make all the changes I want should I consider that maybe our marriage IS "good enough" even if I don't feel any chemistry/passion? I know I took marriage vows but I feel I have to talk myself into loving him romantically, and I feel like staying with him may be the "right" thing to do morally, but it will also be me sacrificing a chance at a much more fulfilling relationship, or even just a life free of him. (That sound terrible, I don't dislike him but I do feel trapped in this relationship.)
BRIGHT SIDE
On the bright side, he has swung into action working on marketing for "our" business and is really excited about things and learning how to do things on the computer that before he instantly gave up on. He still has migraines but he said that while he's working he is distracted and they don't bother him as much at all. The minute he stops working the headache comes pounding back. He still has to nap a couple times throughout the day, but he obviously feels much better physically and about himself already. I feel relieved like if we do divorce the business may be making more, and it may cost me more, but only because he's genuinely made it more profitable. I could see us continuing to be business partners but I know he may be way too hurt for that, but at least he will have a little more money and options.
This makes me feel like I should stay at least a couple months for him to really get going. But I also fear that is leading him on more and it will just prolong the misery.
In Summary: I get along well with my husband but I have regretted marrying him from the second I did it. I started to break up with him when we were dating and he talked me into staying. The biggest issue is that I had been supporting him financially, but because of or in addition to that, I did not feel any passion/intimacy with him. I kept telling myself what we had was better than what most married people have and I should count my blessings, it was good enough. But now, I find I cannot tolerate this level of "almost happy" any longer. I am also 51 with zero savings after working non-stop being self employed supporting him and a lifestyle he wanted that I did not all these years. Also after we married he started developing auto immune health issues and now has that, lots of exhaustion, and migraines.
******************
So, I told my husband I want a divorce about 3 days ago. Despite my telling him I was unhappy and trying to get him to do MarriageBuilders with me for years, he was completely blind sided and stunned. Suddenly he wanted to start going to church, and walking our dogs together every day, and work on my/our business. For 3 nights in a row now we sat down to dinner together at his request (something I've requested and he's refused to do our whole relationship.) Prior to my announcement I feel he has been trying really hard, and while I enjoy him much more, in my heart, I just want out. He asked if I would at least go to counseling or do marriage builders with him. (In the past he was hostile and unwilling when I tried to get him to do MB he was hostile/resistant and I gave up). He also went and listened to the entire book His Needs Her Needs from MB in one day and talked with me about it over dinner and talked with me for three hours. (There was a time when he would not even have a conversation with me.) Basically every single thing I have been complaining about for years he stopped doing and everything I've wanted he says he wants too. (Moving somewhere cheaper, eating dinner together, etc.)
He does NOT want a divorce. He says this has rocked him to his core and even though I told him I was not happy before he was selfish and lazy and didn't understand it was serious. He put me down jokingly all the time and it really crushed my spirit. He says he was just insecure and not feeling good about himself and that was just a bad habit and he hasn't done it once in the last 3 days.
I know it's only been 3 days but he has been consistently wonderful. But I still don't want to be married to him. I don't feel any passion and I feel burdened by him, like if I stay it's only because I feel guilty about hurting him.
I told him multiple times that I want a divorce and don't see any hope for that changing. But my actions are not consistent in that I still give him hugs and eat dinner with him and walk the dogs with him. He is acting like we are fixing our marriage and I feel that 5% maybe there is a chance, but 95% like I would just be staying out of obligation.
I told him that I'm willing to stay in the house for awhile and see if my feelings change but I still plan to separate our finances (open a business account that does not have his name on it) and I want him to think about what he wants to do financially in the event that we do get divorced. I told him I want a legal separation to stop the clock on my business because I'm hoping to release a product in a few months that could be profitable and I don't want to owe him more. (I know that's horrible but I feel like I'm misleading him if I am not honest.)
His reaction is to tell me that he accepts all blame for our problems (I don't agree) but I am wrong to wait until I want a divorce to tell him I want a divorce, and I owe it to him to work on the marriage and he does not want any legal separation. I say "if we stay together what difference does it make? It is just to protect me because for 20 years we have not protected me. If we're going to stay married and make all this money then what is the problem? He gets very hurt at this and says he just can't bear to have that between us. He does not want to look back on our marriage some day and know we did that. Then he acts like we're happily married and all is well. When I am with him, I feel wishy washy and sympathetic to his point of view and I know he feels he just got hit with this, it's very new to him. When I get away from him and think, I feel manipulated and like his reaction is proof that he doesn't really care about my financial security.
So my questions:
1. Am I wrong to stay in the house with him and act like a spouse if I feel pretty certain in my heart that I want a divorce, even if I have told him with words that I don't feel there is hope? I told him I would drop the money / divorce talk for a couple days, and he keeps talking about the future - things we have planned months from now, like it's all a given.
2. If he's wiling to make all the changes I want should I consider that maybe our marriage IS "good enough" even if I don't feel any chemistry/passion? I know I took marriage vows but I feel I have to talk myself into loving him romantically, and I feel like staying with him may be the "right" thing to do morally, but it will also be me sacrificing a chance at a much more fulfilling relationship, or even just a life free of him. (That sound terrible, I don't dislike him but I do feel trapped in this relationship.)
BRIGHT SIDE
On the bright side, he has swung into action working on marketing for "our" business and is really excited about things and learning how to do things on the computer that before he instantly gave up on. He still has migraines but he said that while he's working he is distracted and they don't bother him as much at all. The minute he stops working the headache comes pounding back. He still has to nap a couple times throughout the day, but he obviously feels much better physically and about himself already. I feel relieved like if we do divorce the business may be making more, and it may cost me more, but only because he's genuinely made it more profitable. I could see us continuing to be business partners but I know he may be way too hurt for that, but at least he will have a little more money and options.
This makes me feel like I should stay at least a couple months for him to really get going. But I also fear that is leading him on more and it will just prolong the misery.