Mostly venting

lostandnotsure · 01-11-2012, 12:28 PM

Mostly a vent because I don't have any one else to talk to but advice appreciated.

I started things wanting things to improve in my house and to figure out how I feel. I've not been happy in a very long time. We've started seeing an MC, second meeting with him tomorrow but I can't stop thinking about every thing. I've been having sleeping problems because I just can't turn off my mind. I'm starting to question myself if I really want to fix things or not. I'm just not sure now.

I don't want to drag things out for our sons sake but i'm not sure what to do. I know I should be giving MC a chance but even though I was the one that insisted and really wanted to the first time the more I dwell on things I'm not sure if my heart is in it now or not or if I'm just over thinking things to much.

Since I first had the talk with my wife a couple of weeks ago she's trying to be the perfect wife and trying to do every thing but I'm wondering if she's just doing it to make me happy. The complete turn around in a day seems a bit much and this follows her normal habits when we would argue. She would change for a short period of time then start sliding back down as I started picking up the slack.

Our talk was the first time I had put all our issues on the table at once instead of just as they came up. With the way she's acting now i'm actually resenting her because she's for now taken over things that i've been doing for so long and leaving me very little to do. I want her to participate not do every thing like she is doing right now. Feels almost like I've got a servant right now. I get up to get something or do something she jumps up to try and do it. I've talked to her about this and she's given me a few very easy things to do but it's definatly not what i would consider sharing of work.

Are these normal thoughts to have when having a problem with a marriage or should I really start looking into a divorce I just don't know. I should probably give the MC more of a chance but if i'm not fully behind it like I thought I was when we started I don't know if it will really help. Only think I think I have figured out for now is that I care about my wife but I don't love her right now.Can this change? I feel like i'm being to hasty but my issues i've been dealing with have been going on for years. The time leading up to my talk with my wife I was feeling so confused it felt like I was having a hard time breath.

I'll stop here since this is mostly a vent to help me try to figure things out for what I want and think is best for the family.

accept · 01-11-2012, 01:58 PM

Your wife just cant get it right whatever she does. She is trying to be perfect what more do you want. I wish mine was even a bit like that. What exactly have you against her. Remember you cant 'manufacture' a wife to be 'exactly' like you want.

lostandnotsure · 01-11-2012, 07:15 PM

I'm assuming you haven't read my original post. We've had major issues that have gone on for years now. Lost confused and looking for advice

Most of these issues go back early on in the marriage. So over the years I've built up a lot of resentment. I don't believe a person can truely change that drastricaly over night and actually mean it and want it for themselves. This to me is she's afraid she's going to lose me and me taking care of her. So while yes for about week and a half now she's acting the perfect wife I believe it to be just a show. I'm trying to see if things can change but I'm really scared that it's going to go back to the same old thing again.

Jbear · 01-11-2012, 07:38 PM

There are somethings that can be learned to do sort of like a habit, with practice... such as a process in which it is desired to do something. I believe you cant change over night, even if you want to and beable to hold it up for any given time. I believe that your fears are justified that she will not stay that way too long.

My husband would try every couple years with an offer to do something like the gutters and I agree knowing that it means I have to pressure wash the house flush the gutters and down spouts and have twice as much clean up and he left the ladder out. Followed with with my praise and his complaints for years.... even though I do it 4 times a year (not thinking he realizes how much work a house kids and yard requires...) I too have resentment

For you to watch her doing something that you have taken pride in is not just degrading because it was your thing but also holds hurt that she could have just tried a little harder over the years since she is indeed able to do it! I would say have a talk to her and set roles in the house, and explain that you are thankful for her trying to be the perfect wife...

but explain that you desire more the perfect marriage in which you do things with pride for her and she does the same for you... that you are one and where you end she begins to be the perfect couple!!!

Other wise she will get tired and quickly resent her hard work despite the positive feed back, and loving gestures you do!

The other half is when she does get tired if you are unable to find balance... you will have to ask your self, is what I have unconditional love... loving her for who she is and what she is about? If not you may have to love with out expectation, for if you expect nothing you will not be disappointed when you get nothing in return.

If that is what you do either two things will happen... either she will notice what you do and all you have done and try because of what you are to her, or you will have to come to terms with the way you have grown apart and agree to divorce...

Good luck to you dear!

lostandnotsure · 01-11-2012, 11:47 PM

Thank you Jbear, you've seem to have nailed the way I'm feeling about all this. Just knowing that there are people that can understand helps a lot.

We've got a lot of work to do still and I'm not sure where it's going to lead but I'm trying.

Jbear · 01-12-2012, 12:08 AM

It sounds to me you are going in the right direction, keep up the good work and I hope that everything works out for you both!!!

lostandnotsure · 01-13-2012, 06:53 AM

just posting an update. Had our second MC session yesterday. Started off well except towards the end it started going very badly. Towards the end I had to bite my tounge because I was about ready to walk and and say I was getting a lawyer. Was trying to talk through it when our time was up, so we continued talking on the drive home. Just so frustrated right now. Next MC session in 2 weeks.

Jbear · 01-13-2012, 04:22 PM

Want to talk about it? About problems, solutions...?

lostandnotsure · 01-14-2012, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jbear

Want to talk about it? About problems, solutions...?

A lot of the problem now is me although I have my doubts of her being able to succeed in the way she's been acting.

I'm not sure if I can let go of the years of resentment that have built up inside me. I'm afraid it could take years for the resentment to die down and I can't keep letting these feelings build up inside me. I've not been happy in a long time and lately have felt nearly dead inside with the exception of the way feel towards my son.

So for now I'm kinda living things day by day trying to decide what I'm going to do. Feels like my chest is constantly being crushed and it's hard to breath. I'm hoping once I can finally decide what I need to do this will be easier. For now I have to give this a try for the sake of my son just not sure how much longer I can keep trying. I've tried for so many years and just don't have much hope left in me.

Jbear · 01-14-2012, 05:44 PM

"The problem is me now" is that letting go of your resentment? I understand what you are going through, I hope to not kill any hope but the sting of rejection and resentment isnt so easily forgotten. Like a death... it will get better over time, but will remain a unwanted friend.

It sounds like you need to concentrate on self happiness vs working on your resentment... Keep a log of her positive responses to you. Try to fall in love with her every evening... if not for what she is or what she does but for who she once was and let it grow from there...

How is the MC going? What did you work on last session?

lostandnotsure · 01-23-2012, 08:39 PM

Third MC session today. Didn't feel like we accomplished much. Starting to think maybe this MC isn't right for us. Between this session and the last waited to see if wife would come to me with issues and nothing. Lack of her talking to me was something I brought up at the last session so i had hoped.

After the session I started talking to her on the ride home and ended up talking for several hours. Feel like we got more progress done with our own talk than we've gotten from the MC. Talked this over with my wife and she feels the same way about him so we're going to try something else. Try to open up communication on day to day things, Not sure if this will work since she already won't bring up issues also One day a week where we sit down to specifically talk about us and what we're doing.

We seem to get much more accomplished when we do it this way. Few things we managed to decide from our talk. We've started discussing how to better split the chores, this will be an ongoing discussion as things arise. I also brought up with her that I'm worried that my feelings or lack of hasn't seem to change since our initial talk. This has bothered me because I want to give us enough time to try and work things out but I don't want to just string her along. This is something that I need to figure out. We talked about setting a time limit and compromised on two months. I'm not sure if this is enough time or to much but I believe if I still haven't felt some kind of emotional change by then one way or the other things aren't likely not to change. Thoughts on this?

I know we haven't been working at this for very long only about a month or so now but I'm worried that I won't be able to get a spark back for her, I've built up to much resentment over the years to just let it go. I don't want to prolong things if they're not going to work out but I don't want to cut off trying to soon and I'm still as confused as ever. Only thing I am sure of right now is if I had to make my choice today it would be towards seperating.

Kurosity · 01-23-2012, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandnotsure

I'm worried that I won't be able to get a spark back for her, I've built up to much resentment over the years to just let it go. .

I would look into some IC because resentment festers and you are worried the spark won't come back because of it, then You need to do something about that it has to get out of the way or you really are waisting your time and dragging her long. Work on you and the resentments before making choices then you will be sure about them when you do.

lostandnotsure · 01-23-2012, 09:00 PM

IC counseling is something that she did manage to bring up today. I'll have to do some research because I don't think i want to see the same person that we've been seeing for MC. I won't say he hasn't helped us at all but I don't think he's helping in the areas that we need.

Kurosity · 01-23-2012, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandnotsure

IC counseling is something that she did manage to bring up today. I'll have to do some research because I don't think i want to see the same person that we've been seeing for MC. I won't say he hasn't helped us at all but I don't think he's helping in the areas that we need.

It is my belief that your MC and IC should not be the same person. I would find someone else for your MC. I know that people spend a lot of time shopping for a new car or just the right cell phone for them but never when it comes to a MC or IC so great for you to accept that they need to be shopped for too!

EleGirl · 01-23-2012, 10:16 PM

I read your other thread. It sounds like your wife has been severly depressed for a very long time. Since ADHD and ODD are heretitary I wonder if that's part of her problem as well.

While she's being agreeable to work with you, you might want to see if you can get her to a doctor for a diagnosis and some meds.

My husband used to have a very well paying job. But over the last few years he's gone down hill. He's on the computer all day playing games. I finally told him either he sees a doc about his mental state or he had to leave. So he went. He's on meds for ADD and depression. It's been a few months and now he's starting to do things...