Spouse cheated need advice - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 01:32 AM Thread Starter
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Spouse cheated need advice

My wife would take a friend and her mother to work and home from work just to be nice. Recently I found a drivers license in our car and questioned her about it. She said "the mother was paying her sons driving ticket", okay I believed that and thought nothing of it.

Then we got into an argument on Mothers Day because I refused to get her anything since I don't do holidays and the license came up again. Then while she was in the shower I got sense she was hiding something and went in her phone. The same dude on the license text her with "wyd?". I checked the msg then put the phone back, she came out the shower and went in her phone. I check it again she deleted it but I took screenshots of it.

Turns out she deliberately went through my phone to block the guy from Facebook because she was ****ing him several times. This is all what she admitted. Said they stated having sex after he listened to her one night (something I admit I don't do a lot of) but it was about our marital problems, which in my eyes gave him ammo for the kill. After the first time all he had to do to have sex with her was ask and they did.

I have had her here in our crying all day while she sees me suffering with this begging me to stay and that she won't do it again. I don't want to end my marriage but this **** really hurts. I need advice plz we have two lol girls and I don't want them living through a divorce.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 02:36 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

.

Last edited by Decorum; 05-18-2017 at 02:47 AM.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:42 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

Is your wife's boyfriend married?

----
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 06:59 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

if cheating is a deal breaker then pull the plug. sooner the better.


Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.

so if you don't do holidays do you tell her frequently that shes a good mom? out of the blue do you give her presents just because ? or because you don't need that type of thing you think nobody does?
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
Is your wife's boyfriend married?
She said he has a girlfriend but he didn't give her a name, but she wore her ring every time they had sex and he knew she was married with kids
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
if cheating is a deal breaker then pull the plug. sooner the better.


Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.

so if you don't do holidays do you tell her frequently that shes a good mom? out of the blue do you give her presents just because ? or because you don't need that type of thing you think nobody does?
I am at fault in this particular situation, I don't tell her she's a good mother as much as I should, I did end up getting her a card at least for Mother's Day, I do get her random gifts for no reason from time to time but not because of holidays, and I understand that most people do holidays I as a person just stay out of them I try not to ruin it for others
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

Do the usual,

Decide if

a) you can forgive her or not. Get counselling for yourself and MC for you both

b) It is not an excuse but it would seem you are not meeting her needs. Obviously mothers day is important to her (who give a **** what you think!), normally in a marriage you make the effort to do/acknowledge what is important to your spouse. You dropped the ball big time though the cheating is 100% on her.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post

Really you don't do holidays? yea there made up bull**** but they serve a purpose buying your wife something thoughtful on mothers day is a small price to pay and it shows you do appreciate her efforts.
True but the response was a bit over the top, no?

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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

It's good that you're taking responsibility for your part of the issues in your marriage, but it's not your fault that she took it outside the marriage. That is complete nonsense. Cheating is a deal breaker for me, but what about you? And kids are way better off seeing 2 healthy parents divorced than living in a toxic situation.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

Infidelity.

It is never right.

It is always real.

The reasons are never right, but they are always real.

Feeling trust in another is right and must be real.

She took that trust....and took it right out the door, left it out...someone else picked it up.....and toyed with it.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

Cheating might be understandable because you didn't do things, but it's never acceptable. It's never right. If she had a problem with you treating her like crap she should read you the riot act, threaten to divorce you, let you know. She should not cheat.

Don't make excuses for her.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

go see your attorney. at least get her to sign a post nup.

But get D papers and leave her a copy.

did she get tested for stds?

has she gone N/C with her boyfriend?


How do you know this is the first time? and how many times did they have sex?

Did she do things for him that she would not do for you? Was he bigger? was he a better lover?
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

You are responsible for a bad marriage. You are never responsible for someone else's adultery. That is the offending party's fault and theirs alone. Hell, even if you told them to do it, the decision to actually do the deed was yours.

Edit: I didn't even notice that typo. I meant the decision to do the deed was still theirs.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.

Last edited by EunuchMonk; 05-18-2017 at 06:31 PM.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

I would wait a good 6 months before you decide. Right now you are in shock. While you are doing that detach emotionally so you can make a logical decision. Don't choose to stay out of fear, that is the worst thing you can do. Also understand the marriage you had is dead and it won't be coming back. This will always be a part of your marriage one way or another. You have to decided if you can live with it. Most people don't know that until that get over the initial trauma, or really the grief. I hear grief counseling is a good idea because you are grieving what you thought you had. No matter what you do you have to go through that though, so better to not make a decision until you are over the intensity of that. Right now you are not in your right mind.

I would also say if your marriage had problems before unless you are going to make a monumental effort it is unlikely that the affair will help that. Are both of you prepared to make a monumental effort? Plus she is going to have to figure out what it is in her that allowed he to cheat. Lots of people have bad marriages even worst then you not all of them choose to go outside their marriage.

If you stay you will have to live with the fact that the women you wake up with slept with another man and spend a great deal of effort lying to you about it. Those are the facts, they are not going to change so you have to decide if you can be happy knowing that.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: Spouse cheated need advice

First, you should not make up your mind that you want to reconcile right away.

Why?

Because in order to consider it, you need several things from her which she many not want or be able to do:

No contact with the AP
Full transparency of all devices to include passwords to messaging accounts and social media
Written timeline of the affair
Agree to attend IC to find out why she allowed this to happen
Go to both of your parents and confess to what she has done
Showing genuine concern not just for saving the marriage AND for how she has hurt you

There is more, and some other experienced posters will be along shortly to give more examples. Without the aforementioned things, she is not a good candidate for reconciliation.

You are now in the process of trying to identify whether or not you want to reconcile, while watching her actions to see if she is a good candidate for reconciliation, AND dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that are sure to come to you. In short, you have your work cut out for you.

Sorry you are here.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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