Considering divorce - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

Get out NOW...before you become another @WorkingWife.


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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:09 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

^^^

So true.

Read Working Wife's thread. That could easily be you.

It won't be any easier to get out as time passes. You need to end it now.
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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:41 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

There is a huge difference between supporting a loving partner through a difficult time, i.e. a bout of depression, job loss, etc, and enabling someone who is not able to change and ultimately has no desire to do so. This is not a relationship, or a marriage it's some kind of co-dependency that will never bring you anything.
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering divorce

Thank you - everyone who took the time to respond - thank you! I guess I knew all of this deep down - is just hard to let go of something that has been a part of me for so many years. And he used to be a good person - I guess I just kept hoping one day he would wake up and realize what he'd become. But I can't change him and no matter how much he says he loves me - it apparently isn't enough to make him change. And maybe he never really loved ME - just loved having a maid/piggy bank.

We went to visit a friend last night - he drove separately - smelled like a brewery when he got there.

Now to take the steps to get out - going to make an attorney's apt - start getting my things in order.

Thank you again and I think I'll stay on this site as much as I can - I've read several other threads and it is amazing how easy it is to see things from the outside and how different it is when you try to look at your own life.
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post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

Very very good! This place can be an awesome support tool. Some pretty good peeps )


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post #21 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

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Originally Posted by heyou View Post
I And depending on the amount hes had to drink hes made many threats never actually been physical but has threatened I do worry what that will escalate to if his meal ticket is gone I want out I want my life back but I feel guilty that he wont take care of himself. I am just having trouble getting up the courage to put myself first. any ideas or advice???
So are you saying he threatens you physically??

STOP with the guilt! He is an ADULT and is responsible for himself. Whatever happens to him is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He may pull himself out of his addiction once he has to be on his own, or he may drink himself to death. Either way, its not your problem. BTW he could drink himself to death while you are still married, too. He very clearly has a serious problem if he will not hold down a job. You need to get him out of your house and out of your life.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #22 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering divorce

So are you saying he threatens you physically??

Yes - he says he only does it to shut me up and that he's never actually done it so I should get over it. Has threatened to kill me, burn the house down etc. I've tried explaining that there is NO reason to say something like that. I've said mean things in an argument and called a few names I think everyone has but personally I think telling someone you've dreamed of the ways to kill them is too much....
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post #23 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

Holy crap! Yeah you need to get out of this ASAP! Have you ever contacted the police when he's made threats? I am thinking a preemptive call to your local department would be a good idea before you drop the D bomb on him.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #24 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

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Thank you - everyone who took the time to respond - thank you! I guess I knew all of this deep down - is just hard to let go of something that has been a part of me for so many years. And he used to be a good person - I guess I just kept hoping one day he would wake up and realize what he'd become. But I can't change him and no matter how much he says he loves me - it apparently isn't enough to make him change. And maybe he never really loved ME - just loved having a maid/piggy bank.

We went to visit a friend last night - he drove separately - smelled like a brewery when he got there.

Now to take the steps to get out - going to make an attorney's apt - start getting my things in order.

Thank you again and I think I'll stay on this site as much as I can - I've read several other threads and it is amazing how easy it is to see things from the outside and how different it is when you try to look at your own life.
Yes go see an attorney and if you can a counsellor. Mine is not alcoholic however he did keep saying he loved me, and didn't want this, refused to talk about separating and only wanted to talk about how I needed to give him more time but not willing to tell me what he would change or do with more time. To be clear I gave him 4 years. Leaving was harder than I thought. I kept having second thoughts because I was scared. I had to keep going to my counsellor to keep my courage up and stay on track.

Open your own bank account, apply for a line of credit or some credit cards while you are still together if you don't already have your own money. It will be much harder to get a personal line of credit once you separate.

I left 6 weeks ago and cannot believe how much better I feel. He refused to leave the house saying "you're the one who wants to leave this, not me, I don't want this so I'm not leaving". When I asked him if i could take some of the furniture he said no. So... I left and got help from girlfriends and my mom, found myself an ok space where my girls have their own rooms. It's not ideal but it'll do for now. It's crazy that he's in the house when we have a dog and he works 50 hours/week, and I work from home, my office and studio were there, and can't take the dog in my apartment but this stuff will sort itself out later. This kept me there far too long. I will make it work until we figure out an equitable settlement. I chose my life and to take care of myself over enabling his behaviour and our dysfunctional relationship. Our kids are coping far better than I ever could have imagined. He has been forced to change his patterns and take care of the kids in ways he never did before and I think it will ultimately help to forge a connection between him and his kids. As for me, it doesn't feel any different, in terms of work with the kids etc. I still am there for everything with my kids as I was before, but now I don't need to focus any energy on taking care of him or trying to open up conversation and connection and be blocked at every turn. I don't go to bed angry every night, and I sleep better than I have in years. I have hope again for the future which I haven't felt in a long time.
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post #25 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

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Yes go see an attorney and if you can a counsellor. Mine is not alcoholic however he did keep saying he loved me, and didn't want this, refused to talk about separating and only wanted to talk about how I needed to give him more time but not willing to tell me what he would change or do with more time. To be clear I gave him 4 years. Leaving was harder than I thought. I kept having second thoughts because I was scared. I had to keep going to my counsellor to keep my courage up and stay on track.

Open your own bank account, apply for a line of credit or some credit cards while you are still together if you don't already have your own money. It will be much harder to get a personal line of credit once you separate.

I left 6 weeks ago and cannot believe how much better I feel. He refused to leave the house saying "you're the one who wants to leave this, not me, I don't want this so I'm not leaving". When I asked him if i could take some of the furniture he said no. So... I left and got help from girlfriends and my mom, found myself an ok space where my girls have their own rooms. It's not ideal but it'll do for now. It's crazy that he's in the house when we have a dog and he works 50 hours/week, and I work from home, my office and studio were there, and can't take the dog in my apartment but this stuff will sort itself out later. This kept me there far too long. I will make it work until we figure out an equitable settlement. I chose my life and to take care of myself over enabling his behaviour and our dysfunctional relationship. Our kids are coping far better than I ever could have imagined. He has been forced to change his patterns and take care of the kids in ways he never did before and I think it will ultimately help to forge a connection between him and his kids. As for me, it doesn't feel any different, in terms of work with the kids etc. I still am there for everything with my kids as I was before, but now I don't need to focus any energy on taking care of him or trying to open up conversation and connection and be blocked at every turn. I don't go to bed angry every night, and I sleep better than I have in years. I have hope again for the future which I haven't felt in a long time.


T/J warning.

He said "no you can't have anything" and you accepted this? I would have lined up some people and a truck, waited for him to be gone, and taken what I needed.

Eff that mess.


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post #26 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

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T/J warning.

He said "no you can't have anything" and you accepted this? I would have lined up some people and a truck, waited for him to be gone, and taken what I needed.

Eff that mess.


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It was also about not upsetting the kids more than needed. I know I will get what's due when we talk to lawyers. He was playing the victim. I just used money from our joint line of credit and bought what I needed.
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post #27 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering divorce

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Holy crap! Yeah you need to get out of this ASAP! Have you ever contacted the police when he's made threats? I am thinking a preemptive call to your local department would be a good idea before you drop the D bomb on him.
Unfortunately every time Ive tried to call the cops he says that hell tell them I threatened him and make sure Im the one that goes to jail. But yes Ill have to have a plan in place before I file.

Keenwa Good for you!! I hope everything goes well for you and that you enjoy your life!!
Thankfully since Im the one with the job everything is in my name ..
Thanks again everyone for the support!
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post #28 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

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Unfortunately every time Ive tried to call the cops he says that hell tell them I threatened him and make sure Im the one that goes to jail.
LOL! Let us know how that works out for him.
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post #29 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

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Unfortunately every time Ive tried to call the cops he says that hell tell them I threatened him and make sure Im the one that goes to jail. But yes Ill have to have a plan in place before I file.

Keenwa Good for you!! I hope everything goes well for you and that you enjoy your life!!
Thankfully since Im the one with the job everything is in my name ..
Thanks again everyone for the support!
That usually goes over well when a man tells the cops that his wife is abusing him. Too funny.
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post #30 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Considering divorce

Remember, you can record things with your phone. It doesn't have to just be a he said she said thing after you call the police. You can show them the recording, and let them figure it out from there.

Just please be safe.
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