Considering divorce - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:11 AM Thread Starter
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Considering divorce

I'll try to keep this brief. Married slightly over 10 years. Husband hasn't worked in several years does very little around the house. I work a full time+ job, cook, clean, spray weeds, etc. (he will do the major things – mow, fix a broken pipe, fix porch steps - but not the day to day things) He works odd jobs here and there to make enough money to drink (6 pack + nightly). He drinks all night and sleeps all day. I’ve begged him to get a job and he thinks his few odd jobs are enough. He doesn’t help with ANY of the household bills. When we’ve talked about divorce he says how much he loves me and that the only reason he doesn’t do things is because I don’t show him enough affection – but he isn’t willing to change until AFTER I do. I’ve tried to explain that it is very hard for me to show or FEEL any affection when he is sleeping or watching TV while I do everything. Adamantly denies he has depression/drinking problem until I say I’m done – then he says it is SOOO hard for him to even get out of bed every day. I feel guilty because I know he’ll struggle financially if I leave – but I’m so very tired of trying to keep all the balls in the air on my own. And depending on the amount he’s had to drink he’s made many threats – never actually been physical but has threatened – I do worry what that will escalate to if his meal ticket is gone…… I want out – I want my life back but I feel guilty that he won’t take care of himself. I am just having trouble getting up the courage to put myself first……. any ideas or advice???

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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

Take your life back NOW.

Get all your ducks in a row, if he has depression then tell him to do something about it, but you he a grown man who should do things for himself with your support.
Sounds like you are working yourself to the bone and for what?
You don't have enough time to show him affection, with all that you do. Tell him he doesn't show enough committment to you or the marriage and you are done.

Maybe leaving him will be the wake up call he needs.
Does the house belong to you?
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering divorce

Thank you - yes the house belongs to me thankfully. We also have a lot of animals and I do all the care for them daily too....You are correct - I'm very very tired....
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

This is S simple as it gets. File for divorce. Divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. His behavior is not changing and until he has an epiphany, it will always be more of the same. You have done enough.

Maybe this lights a fire and he gets a job and stops drinking and your loins ignite. Or maybe he does nothing and you can move on.
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

Lot's of deadbeats out there! Sounds like he's got issues, and it is not your job to fix him. To some degree you have been enabling his behavior, and he has no reason to change. Take control of your life back NOW! It's ok to put yourself first and take care of you. That's what you should be doing.
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

Please keep in mind that for a guy who's basically keeping everything together on his own and then losing a job for whatever reason puts a man in a terrible situation that he can't resolve for himself. He has to use what ever money is saved to take care of immediate responsibilities, find another job and keep himself together all at the same time, all of which he can't do by himself. Not a pleasant experience (I've gone through it more than my fair share of times). Sometimes guys just shut down and say the hell with it and quit and some feel they have to reach down deeper and push through it.

To keep your H from being the former, wives have to realize they must support their husband as much as possible so they will want to push through it and find another job. If you keep on jabbing at him with divorce, it just gives him more of a reason to shut down, say the hell with it and drink. Why should he bother going back to work if he feels he's not supported by you and you only want to get rid of him??

My wife did this, all I ever heard from her during the times I was layed off is how much of a loser I was (when the reason I was layed off had nothing to do with me) and that she wanted a divorce because I wasn't paying the bills. Every day I wanted to shut down and say the hell it and moreso the hell with HER. I pushed through, eventually got another job and then was able to full pay for everything, but did not and will not forget that experience. It's one of the things that has made our marriage the mess it is.

I do understand where you're coming from, he should do more, quit drinking and try to get another job, but I think that if you supported him doing that he would want to do it faster.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

Why in HELL are you carrying around this worthless dead weight who clings to your skirt like a parasite? That's what he is, a parasite.

Jesus, talk about having an albatross around your neck.

What do you GAIN from having him around? From the sounds of it, absolutely nothing.

I don't know what you're 'afraid' of . It's not like this drunken loser contributes to any PART of your life and getting rid of him will leave some kind of deficit. I would have thrown him out the door so hard his mother would have felt it. And I would have done it a long, long time ago.
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

So you have to kiss his ass in order for him to be a productive human being? That’s so ****ed up. He’s a lazy drunk that doesn’t care. Stop with the guilt trips; he’s done this all to himself. Save yourself.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

How's the sex and intimacy? If zilch, file for divorce and move on. If it's awesome, cut him off and give him 3-6 months to get a real job and help out.
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering divorce

Thanks guys - it does sound pretty bad when you write it out. I think I've just gotten so used to taking care of everything that sometimes I don't even realize how much I'm doing. He got a job a few months ago - got fired cause he wouldn't show up to work. I think the 'scared' part is with the threats he's made if he'll actually follow through when he doesn't have anything to lose.

JB02157 I have supported him - all the various 'businesses' he wanted to start that I funded. That he wouldn't get up to do. I only mention the job issues about once a month. I have asked him to go to AA - to take antidepressants etc. And he won't.

Honestly I think I feel more like his mother than his wife and I think that is why I feel guilty for considering divorcing him and making him take care of himself.. pretty sad realization....

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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

It's unfortunate he lost his job but he could be making more of an effort to rectify the issue rather than wallow. We ALL go through hard times.

He needs a swift kick in the bum and you're going to have to be the one to do it.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

You're married to an alcoholic. His addiction needs to be treated before you'll ever be able to repair the marriage. I'd give him an ultimatum and FOLLOW THROUGH. Either the alcohol goes or you go. And mean it. Telling him you're done while still sticking around is doing nothing to fix the issue- it is only causing him to lose respect for you because he knows you don't mean it.
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

[QUOTE=heyou;17917946]

He got a job a few months ago - got fired cause he wouldn't show up to work.

[QUOTE]

Why didn't he show up for work???
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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Considering divorce

[quote=Edward333;17918042][QUOTE=heyou;17917946]

He got a job a few months ago - got fired cause he wouldn't show up to work.

Quote:

Why didn't he show up for work???
Called in sick about every other day - hung over I think as he was always just fine by the time I got home from work.
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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Considering divorce

I am sorry that you are at this point in your life, the realization can be very a very tough one.

You can only control your own actions, you cannot control what others do. You can't make your husband change but you have asked if he would make a change. Life is full of choices and sounds like your husband has made his. Perhaps it may be that you all are on two separate paths in life and you have finally reached the crossroads.

Ask yourself a question: What is your husband bringing into your life and how is he helping to make you and your life better?
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