I'm considering leaving her - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 3
I'm considering leaving her

Hey everyone i'm new to the board and just looking for a place to talk with others going through the same thing as me and maybe been through it and can help me see the light more.

I'll give a little run down.

Iíll give a brief rundown on how things are. So me and the woman have been together 5 years, married for going on 3 years. We donít have any kids together yet but I do have two of my own (whom I have full time) and she has two kids as well (she has them 50%). The kids are 12, 11, 10 and 9. Weíre also expecting a baby in July (I know right!!). Weíve had some issues for a while now, even got married hoping that itíd work itself out and things would change. I worked for a while and then lost my job. The whole time she was not working and didnít even really clean the house at all. I worked midnight shift so tried to sleep when I got home at 6AM, got up and would clean and do it all over again.
I lost my job a couple month sago and been trying to find anything. But havenít been able to yet. She likes to throw it in my face that shes keeping the family a float and Iím a horrible man. She is so rude to me and my kids. Home life doesnít feel like ďhomeĒ it feels like negativity and walking on egg shells so she isnít getting all pissed. Sheís pretty much alienated herself from my family. I try to get along with her family at least.
I clean all day everyday, so that the house is nice when she gets home. She doesnít appreciate it, she gets mad if I even miss something that she may have told me to clean. She calls me names, etc. I think Iíve finally come to that breaking point that what weíre doing is insane and its totally unhealthy. She doesnít like my kids, she has some sort of resentment towards them and it hurts. I donít want these years to fly by and my kids resent me and their childhood because I choose to keep around the bad step mom. Weíve had issues for so long and I think weíre just not right for each other. Itís something with her in her core, not something I think she can change.
AHHH!!! Thereís just so much I donít want to vent it all but you get the point.

GoCubsGo82 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:43 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,002
Re: I'm considering leaving her

I have some questions to get some clarity.

Since you are not working and you have your children full time, is she supporting your children now?

How many hours a week are you spending job hunting? If you are cleaning house all day long, it would seem that you have little to no time to job hunt.

Has her behavior gotten worse with her pregnancy?
EleGirl is offline  
post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 3
Re: I'm considering leaving her

Thanks for the questions! I do clean quite a bit and I do sometimes feel I donít have enough time to really sit down and search; however I do search quite a bit. Iíve had some interviews but they havenít turned into landing a job. I am frustrated.
As for supporting the kids, eh. She is more of that step mom who is just ďthereĒ and not really involved with them or takes the time to get to know them, which sucks really bad. Itís something that has really infringed on our marriage and has drove me to breaking points because my kids donít deserve that. Itís like she has some resentment towards them because theyíre really good in sports etc and her kids arenít into sports and such. But Iíve never once made her feel like her kids arenít up to par with mine, because theyíre kids! Theyíre all unique in their own ways and thatís great.
I tried to chalk it up with pregnancy hormones is the reason but this has went on long before the pregnancy on how she treats me. Sheís verbally nasty towards me and really puts me down quite a bit. Iíve allowed this behavior and hoped our marriage would get better and it hasnít.. hopefully that clarifies some.
GoCubsGo82 is offline  
 
post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1,044
Re: I'm considering leaving her

Time to put you and your kids first. Start working out, get in best shape possible. Start detaching. Let her know she isn't on a pedestal anymore and you will replace her if she doesn't change her ways. Hopefully it's not too late, but it sounds like it is. Life is too short to put up with a crappy spouse.

I'm surprised you are having another child! Why on earth didn't you get a vasectomy?? How old are you two?
GuyInColorado is offline  
post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,806
Re: I'm considering leaving her

That was kinda like my life. My ex is undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Search it here and check @Uptown posts.
Herschel is offline  
post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 3
Re: I'm considering leaving her

God, I KNOW. Another child, clearly wasn't thinking and should have got my nuts chopped.

@Herschel, I thought she may have some BPD or some sorft of manic bi-polar disorder.
GoCubsGo82 is offline  
post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:37 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,264
Re: I'm considering leaving her

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoCubsGo82 View Post
Hey everyone i'm new to the board and just looking for a place to talk with others going through the same thing as me and maybe been through it and can help me see the light more.

I'll give a little run down.

Iíll give a brief rundown on how things are. So me and the woman have been together 5 years, married for going on 3 years. We donít have any kids together yet but I do have two of my own (whom I have full time) and she has two kids as well (she has them 50%). The kids are 12, 11, 10 and 9. Weíre also expecting a baby in July (I know right!!). Weíve had some issues for a while now, even got married hoping that itíd work itself out and things would change. I worked for a while and then lost my job. The whole time she was not working and didnít even really clean the house at all. I worked midnight shift so tried to sleep when I got home at 6AM, got up and would clean and do it all over again.
I lost my job a couple month sago and been trying to find anything. But havenít been able to yet. She likes to throw it in my face that shes keeping the family a float and Iím a horrible man. She is so rude to me and my kids. Home life doesnít feel like ďhomeĒ it feels like negativity and walking on egg shells so she isnít getting all pissed. Sheís pretty much alienated herself from my family. I try to get along with her family at least.
I clean all day everyday, so that the house is nice when she gets home. She doesnít appreciate it, she gets mad if I even miss something that she may have told me to clean. She calls me names, etc. I think Iíve finally come to that breaking point that what weíre doing is insane and its totally unhealthy. She doesnít like my kids, she has some sort of resentment towards them and it hurts. I donít want these years to fly by and my kids resent me and their childhood because I choose to keep around the bad step mom. Weíve had issues for so long and I think weíre just not right for each other. Itís something with her in her core, not something I think she can change.
AHHH!!! Thereís just so much I donít want to vent it all but you get the point.
Wow, lots of similarities to my situation. She refused to work and put all the financial responsibility on me. I didn't want this sort of arrangement at all but was forced into it. When I was layed off I encountered the same that you did, I was not supported, rather badgered as to why I wasn't working hard enough at finding something else when I was making it a regular 8 hour a day marathon looking for work. She constantly said that what we has didn't quite measure up to her expectations. She alienated herself from the kids, me and my family and our friends and she refuses to clean the house. She basically appreciated nothing.

I don't think you ought to try to resolve this. Give her a time limit to become a suitable wife and mother and if she doesn't snap out of it by the end of the time limit, divorce her.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:40 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,620
Re: I'm considering leaving her

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoCubsGo82 View Post
God, I KNOW. Another child, clearly wasn't thinking and should have got my nuts chopped.

@Herschel, I thought she may have some BPD or some sorft of manic bi-polar disorder.




Or some sort of meany-beany stink.

Don't start sticking labels on her....that is our job!!

She is divorced. There is a reason she is divorced. Her ex was bad, she was bad, they both were bad. So far she ain't good. Red Flag.

It looks like she is no angel. Your's being unemployed while she is pregnant is a relationship killer. She has no business being an ass, but she is right to be concerned if no money is coming in.

Let the housework go. Get a freakin job, even at or a little above minimum wage until a better job becomes available. Hell, get two minimum wage jobs. Whatever it takes,

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:04 AM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,527
Re: I'm considering leaving her

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoCubsGo82 View Post
Thanks for the questions! I do clean quite a bit and I do sometimes feel I donít have enough time to really sit down and search; however I do search quite a bit. Iíve had some interviews but they havenít turned into landing a job. I am frustrated.
As for supporting the kids, eh. She is more of that step mom who is just ďthereĒ and not really involved with them or takes the time to get to know them, which sucks really bad. Itís something that has really infringed on our marriage and has drove me to breaking points because my kids donít deserve that. Itís like she has some resentment towards them because theyíre really good in sports etc and her kids arenít into sports and such. But Iíve never once made her feel like her kids arenít up to par with mine, because theyíre kids! Theyíre all unique in their own ways and thatís great.
I tried to chalk it up with pregnancy hormones is the reason but this has went on long before the pregnancy on how she treats me. Sheís verbally nasty towards me and really puts me down quite a bit. Iíve allowed this behavior and hoped our marriage would get better and it hasnít.. hopefully that clarifies some.

I think what ele is asking is whether she is financially supporting your kids since you're not working.

Is she?
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:51 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,083
Re: I'm considering leaving her

I think the worst thing in all of this is the fact that she doesnt like your kids. They know she doesnt. That's not ok, this is not a healthy environment for them. Its probably going to get worse once the baby arrives too. This, to me, could be the real dealbreaker... it isnt fair for your kids to be subjected to someone who doesnt like them in their own home.

Was she planning to be a SAHM once she has the baby? I suggest whatever steps you are taking to find employment get ramped up ten-fold, because you need to support the household, or you need to divorce... either way, you need a job NOW.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Hudson Valley, New York State
Posts: 581
Re: I'm considering leaving her

As the saying goes, follow the money. You do need to be open and honest about where all the money being used to pay your bills is coming from. It may hurt, but it may also help explain some things.
WilliamM is offline  
post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:01 PM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,516
Cool Re: I'm considering leaving her

Employed or not, nobody deserves to be doled out overbearing horse manure like that!

Find a job, then get yourself and your kids the hell out of there! Let's just say that she has more than demonstrated that she does not love you or them!!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:33 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Uptown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,659
Re: I'm considering leaving her

@Herschel, thanks for the callout. For some reason, I overlooked GoCubs' thread yesterday.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoCubsGo82 View Post
I thought she may have some BPD or some sort of manic bi-polar disorder.
GoCubs, I agree with Herschel and you that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling behavior, resentment of your two children, easily triggered temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may be exhibiting moderate to strong traits of it.

As to your W having bipolar disorder, well, anything is possible. Having strong BPD traits does not rule out bipolar. Indeed, a 2008 study found that 41% of women diagnosed as having full-blown BPD also suffer from a co-occurring bipolar disorder. I note, however, that you don't seem to be describing bipolar symptoms in what you've written so far. If you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the typical behavior of a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences.

Quote:
[I am]walking on egg shells so she isnít getting all pissed.
If your W really is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), that is exactly how you should be feeling. This is why the best-selling BPD book -- targeted to the abused partners -- is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Quote:
I tried to chalk it up with pregnancy hormones is the reason but this has went on long before the pregnancy on how she treats me.
In the general population, the vast majority of strong BPD behaviors are temporary flareups of the normally low BPD traits that we all exhibit. Those temporary flareups, which sometimes can last for a year or two, are usually caused by strong hormone changes -- e.g., by puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause (i.e., by any life event starting with the letter "P," LOL). This likely is one of the reasons that @EleGirl asked whether your W's bad behavior started with her current pregnancy. (The other common cause of these temporary BPD trait flareups is drug abuse, which you don't mention.)

I therefore am sorry to hear that your W's abusive behavior "went on long before the pregnancy." If your W really does exhibit the persistent, lifelong behavior pattern referred to as the BPD disorder itself, the BPD symptoms likely started showing strongly in the early teens and -- with the exception of your courtship period -- would have been persistent since then.

Those BPD traits likely would have disappeared entirely during the courtship period because her infatuation would have convinced her that you pose no threat whatsoever to her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. As soon as her infatuation started to wane -- usually about 4 to 6 months into the close relationship -- those fears would have returned and you would have started triggering both of them.

Quote:
Itís something with her in her core, not something I think she can change.
GoCubs, given your suspicions that your W exhibits strong and persistent BPD symptoms, I offer a few cautions.

First, if she really is a BPDer, she must have a strong fear of abandonment, which usually is most often manifested in behavior as an irrational jealousy. Significantly, you don't mention her being unreasonably jealous of your relationships or casual encounters with other women.

The closest thing you mention to a red flag for abandonment fear is her dislike and rudeness toward your own children. It is common for BPDers to become very jealous -- and thus resentful -- of substantial time that the partner spends with with his own family members or close friends. The BPDer misperceives it as you picking the children over her -- or as you choosing to live with her only because you need support for the kids.

Indeed, my BPDer exW was jealous of the closeness and intense love I had for her own children (i.e., my step kids). And she quickly grew to hate my adult foster son. An important issue, then, is whether you saw any more obvious signs that your W is jealous of other women or exhibits a strong fear that you may leave her.

A second caution is that BPDers are emotionally unstable and thus typically alternate between pushing you away (by devaluing and belittling you) and pulling you back close (by loving or adoring you). Significantly, you don't mention seeing that regular cycle of push-away/pull-back behavior. I mention this because, if you are not seeing emotionally UNSTABLE behavior like that, you are NOT seeing a pattern of strong and persistent BPD behaviors. Stable abusive behavior -- i.e., where the spouse switches permanently to abusive behavior after the wedding -- is characteristic of narcissistic or sociopathic behavior, not BPD behavior.

This is not to say, however, that a BPDer will never reach the point of splitting you black (perceiving of you as "all bad") permanently. After a long period of alternating between perceiving of you as "all good" or "all bad," it is common for BPDers to eventually become so fearful of abandonment that they will perceive of their partners as "all bad" on a permanent basis. It is common, for example, for BPDers to describe all of their ex-partners as abusive and terrible people.

A third caution is that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and easily triggered temper tantrums.

A fourth caution is that, although it is easy to spot strong BPD symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so strong and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD. Hence, you can easily spot a pattern of strong BPD traits but cannot diagnose your W's issue -- i.e., cannot determine whether she has the full-blown disorder. The main reason for learning BPD red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you and your kids avoid a very painful situation -- and to help you decide whether professional guidance is warranted. As @3Xnocharm observes above, "The worst thing in all of this is the fact that she doesnt like your kids."

Quote:
Sheís pretty much alienated herself from my family.
Likewise, my BPDer exW did the same. She was resentful of time I spent with my close friends and family members.

Quote:
Itís like she has some resentment towards [my kids] because theyíre really good in sports etc and her kids arenít into sports and such.
Perhaps so. Yet, if she really is a BPDer, the resentment against your two kids most likely arises from a strong abandonment fear that distorts her perceptions of your intentions and motivations. As noted above, my exW was even resentful of my closeness to her own children -- even though she would have been just as resentful if I had not loved them and spent time with them.

Quote:
I donít want these years to fly by and my kids resent me and their childhood because I choose to keep around the bad step mom.
My advice, GoCubs, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your children are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join Herschel, 3X, @farsidejunky, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, GoCubs.
Uptown is offline  
post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 07:04 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Uptown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,659
Re: I'm considering leaving her

GoCubs, I just noticed that you tell the same story in a thread at another forum website -- with the addition of two details not mentioned here. Specifically, you say there that your W has physically abused you, which included slapping your face. And you say she would throw a glass of water in your face -- an indication of a lack of impulse control.

I mention these comments here because the physical abuse of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, "Inappropriate, intense anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. And "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors" is another one of those defining traits.

If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions and thus are impulsive. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.
Uptown is offline  
post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 02:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: England
Posts: 75
Re: I'm considering leaving her

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Wow, lots of similarities to my situation. She refused to work and put all the financial responsibility on me. I didn't want this sort of arrangement at all but was forced into it. When I was layed off I encountered the same that you did, I was not supported, rather badgered as to why I wasn't working hard enough at finding something else when I was making it a regular 8 hour a day marathon looking for work. She constantly said that what we has didn't quite measure up to her expectations. She alienated herself from the kids, me and my family and our friends and she refuses to clean the house. She basically appreciated nothing.

I don't think you ought to try to resolve this. Give her a time limit to become a suitable wife and mother and if she doesn't snap out of it by the end of the time limit, divorce her.
wow - you make that sound easy.
what about the pregnancy? I wonder if the OP feels comfortable giving custody of his new born child to a mother with dangerous behavious tendencies.
Tricky - very tricky situation. And he's out of work - leaving may not be financially possible.
MrRight is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Leaving someone who loves you WorkingWife Considering Divorce or Separation 98 05-04-2017 05:22 AM
My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know TimeIsOnMySide Coping with Infidelity 330 12-01-2016 05:12 PM
Leaving me because of sex.. TRUTHSEEKER60 General Relationship Discussion 162 06-29-2016 05:47 PM
Help, husband is thinking of leaving scaredwifeof4 Considering Divorce or Separation 137 06-09-2016 04:25 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome