24 plus years and I am ready to go - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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24 plus years and I am ready to go

My long story
Background- We started dating when I was 20 and she was 19. Married 24 years and been together almost 27 years. Also, when we were dating we went to different colleges and we did the long-distance thing and we both trusted each other since neither one us has ever been possessive or jealous. We had our first kid right away and then another one five years after the first one.

We married young but everything was going great. In September 2009, I turned forty and she had a big surprise birthday party for me. The party went good and everyone had a lot of fun, but that night she decided that she was missing out on something. The kids were 16 and 11 and she felt they did not need her anymore. During our marriage we rarely fought before but this caused some major fights. She wanted to stay out until 4 or 5 in the morning partying several times a week and I said I did not agree with it. She said she wanted to be married but she was depressed and just wanted to hang out with her friends some. When I was growing up I was physically and emotionally abused by my stepdad and mom and I struggled dealing with it when we were first married. She told me that she stuck by me when I was having a rough time and asked me to stick by her while she worked thru it.

I did the best I could but it just ended up getting worse. After a while she was out almost every night of the week and I had enough of it. We fought a lot and we almost split up. She said some nasty things during this time, such as I stole her youth and she missed out. I tried to be patient but after telling me this a couple of times I told her if she thought that was true then she could go ahead and leave and I sure in the hell was not going to beg her to stay. She also told me that we were too close and we depended upon each other too much. No kidding! Isn’t your spouse supposed to be the person you depend upon the most? She finally went to a doctor and had all of her hormones checked but all of her tests came back fine. The doctor put her on antidepressants and they helped her for a short time.

After about 6 months she was back at the partying again and I had enough and I ended up leaving one night. I woke up one morning and she was not at home at 4 and I snapped and said screw it. I packed my truck up with my clothes and left. I got to the hotel and then in my head I said I could not do this to my kids. I went thru hell as a kid due to my parent’s bad decisions and I could not do it to them. When we fought we kept the fighting away from the kids and they did not see it. Looking back they realized there were issues, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Also, my youngest had social anxiety issues and we had some issues with her cutting herself. I did what I said I would never do and I stayed for the kids.

We settled into her hanging out with her friends 3-4 times a week. This lasted until late 2013 when she got a DUI. She thought I would be furious but I did not care anymore. I was focusing on taking care of the girls and my career and I had emotionally checked out of her drama. The DUI did shake her up and she started to get better. In the last few years she has cut out the all night partying, except for one night of the week. About 2 years ago I tried working at us, but it did not work out. She complained that the girls and I would do stuff and not include her, so when I was taking my daughters out to dinner I texted her asked if she was working late. She got hateful and asked me why I needed to know what she was doing. I told her we were going out to dinner and she said we do things without her so I was checking to see if she could come. By the way most spouses tell each other what goes on in their lives without being hateful to each other. WTH?

So the last two years we have pretty much been roommates. Before all of this we had sex 2-3 times a week. Now 3 times in the last year and the last time was 4-6 months ago. It is pretty much dead. She said the meds killed her sex drive and she is not interested in it anymore. About a year ago I asked if she was going to work on getting off the meds. She said she would try but she was still unhappy at times. I told her after all this time if she was miserable with her life then she needed to do whatever she had to do to make herself happy. If she needed to leave our family then go ahead and do it. My oldest is about to graduate college and my youngest is finishing up her freshman year. I told myself I would stay until this time but I am ready to leave this mess.

We don’t interact at all with each other. We get up in the mornings and most of the time we get ready together and there is not one word spoken to each other. On the weekends, I get up and run my errands and do my stuff around the house. Most weekends she goes out on Friday night and stays the night at her friend’s house. She usually stays over there until late Saturday evening and on Sunday she will go run errands with her friends or do something with the kids. Literally I cannot remember the last time we went on a “date”. We can go entire weekends without seeing each other 5 minutes.

The last month or two she has talked about our future together. I guess I am confused. Where did this come from? Do you think this is a “marriage” and you really want to continue in it? We are financially well off and I think she does not want to take the hit that comes with splitting up. Losing a few “things” to me is worth being happy. She has “settled” with her job and she is miserable there, but they pay her well so she stays. I have told her to leave if she hates it that much but she stays there. I feel she looks at the marriage the same way.

Now it is time I don’t want to “surprise” her but I don’t want to settle and be miserable the rest of my life. I have done what I felt I needed to do for my kids but I have reached my end point. After all of this I think to myself how can she be surprised it is going to happen. I don’t want to cheat her or screw her out of anything I just want to be fair and split it all evenly and then go our own ways. I don’t want to blurt it out, but I really just want to say let’s end this charade. You obviously don’t want to be with me and I don’t want to be with you. So let’s move one.

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

Sounds to me you paid your dues and then some. Sheesh..... I hope the split goes smoothly. Best of luck to you and your new future.

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Last edited by Yeswecan; 05-19-2017 at 09:25 AM.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

Sounds like she was sleeping around and the guilt has added to her depression/caused it. I mean, out almost every night? Wtf? Get out man, you should have years ago.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

You should certainly check all of her phone records, and if you have access, her email/social media etc.. From what this sounds like, it is WAY more than just going for drinks with some girlfriends.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

I'm so sorry you are here. I began going through a similar situation 2 years ago (my husband was 39). The closer my husband got to 40, the more he began neglecting the family and partying. It got to the point that he began lying to me about having out of town business trips...actually he was partying and staying in hotel rooms overnight. I hate to say this because divorce is not something I'm an advocate of, but you can't continue to live a "half life." Good Luck to you.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

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Originally Posted by jlg07 View Post
You should certainly check all of her phone records, and if you have access, her email/social media etc.. From what this sounds like, it is WAY more than just going for drinks with some girlfriends.


Of course she was cheating but at this point why bother checking phone records? Just get out. It's over. If he went through all the cheater stuff and reconciled, he'd still end up with a crappy wife.


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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

I considering doing the same thing. After our youngest graduates from college next year, I'm thinking about leaving my bad marriage for good. I'm thinking about giving her 6 months to snap the hell out of her funk and if she can't do that I'm out.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

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Originally Posted by jlg07 View Post
You should certainly check all of her phone records, and if you have access, her email/social media etc.. From what this sounds like, it is WAY more than just going for drinks with some girlfriends.
And what would that accomplish? They barely speak to each other and OP has already decided to leave and divorce. There's no reason for him to expose himself to all the cr@p that likely exists.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

I find the idea that you somehow stole her youth to be laughable.

If you were 30 and she was 19 I'd agree, but you were 20.

So in that sense she "stole" yours.

It is possible that she was not with other men and was just acting like an idiot with friends.

However, it's unlikely because women who go out all night with friends are probably being propositioned and one freaking out over a mid life crisis is probably receptive to said propositions.

If you're done tell her directly and get the ball rolling.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

Whether she cheated or not is beside the point, her behavior and attitude stuck a knife into the marriage. Unfortunately we are only seeing one side to the story, but based on the partying, drinking and frankly despicable treatment of you, I would be the ultimate prick and have her served. Blindsided in fact. It sounds heartless, but, she treated you pretty heartlessly, coupled with that little line about stealing her youth....frankly, f**k her in the ass with a shot-glass.

You are young enough to find a good woman who will not make your life chaotic and feel entitled to do as she pleases. Your wife will have plenty of time for partying and drinking, when she is on her own in a ****ty one bedroom apartment. If there is income disparity, I hope she has to pay you spousal support so that she can cry that you stole her old age.

47 is a reasonable age to find some happiness. I have been told, and through some experience as a DJ for singles events, there are a multitude of 40ish/50ish women out there. They snap up the good guys just as soon as they are available. She can do whatever she pleases, but she should know that she blew it all up for the sake of a lot of hangovers and probably some skanky sex in the local bar's toilet. I bet her hard living is starting to show on her face and body, and that is such a turn on (sarcasm off).


Last edited by Taxman; 05-19-2017 at 10:06 AM.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

First of all thanks for the replies.

When it first started I did not worry about her cheating. I trusted her 100%, but after a while I became suspicious and I checked around. I could not find anything and some of the friends she was out with I knew and they never said anything. At a certain point I remembered what I always said to myself. If I have to worry about the other person cheating then I was in the wrong relationship. That was when I said that I had enough. At this point I don't care.

I guess I was surprised when she started talking about our future. At one point we talked about everything and she even said that were so close to our daughters being out of high school that it would be better to go ahead and finish it out. I thought this was going to be a clean walk away and that one caught me by surprise.

I am not interested in dating right now. i think I want to take a year and just relax. Years ago I moved away from my family and friends and close to hers. I might move back. I don't want to make an quick decisions for a while.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

1) she was cheating
2) she got it out of her system now shes back to plan B
3)you don't want to make any quick decisions? time stands still for no one. time to **** or get off the pot.
4) she hasn't cared about you or your girls for years. moms don't go out drinking with their (friends) lol almost every night.
5) kick her to the curb and don't feel bad about it.

good luck
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

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And what would that accomplish? They barely speak to each other and OP has already decided to leave and divorce. There's no reason for him to expose himself to all the cr@p that likely exists.
I agree with that IF the OP has already decided to leave -- I wasn't clear on that from the post.
If so, then I agree, why bother.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

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My long story
Background- We started dating when I was 20 and she was 19. Married 24 years and been together almost 27 years. Also, when we were dating we went to different colleges and we did the long-distance thing and we both trusted each other since neither one us has ever been possessive or jealous. We had our first kid right away and then another one five years after the first one.

We married young but everything was going great. In September 2009, I turned forty and she had a big surprise birthday party for me. The party went good and everyone had a lot of fun, but that night she decided that she was missing out on something. The kids were 16 and 11 and she felt they did not need her anymore. During our marriage we rarely fought before but this caused some major fights. She wanted to stay out until 4 or 5 in the morning partying several times a week and I said I did not agree with it. She said she wanted to be married but she was depressed and just wanted to hang out with her friends some. When I was growing up I was physically and emotionally abused by my stepdad and mom and I struggled dealing with it when we were first married. She told me that she stuck by me when I was having a rough time and asked me to stick by her while she worked thru it.

I did the best I could but it just ended up getting worse. After a while she was out almost every night of the week and I had enough of it. We fought a lot and we almost split up. She said some nasty things during this time, such as I stole her youth and she missed out. I tried to be patient but after telling me this a couple of times I told her if she thought that was true then she could go ahead and leave and I sure in the hell was not going to beg her to stay. She also told me that we were too close and we depended upon each other too much. No kidding! Isn’t your spouse supposed to be the person you depend upon the most? She finally went to a doctor and had all of her hormones checked but all of her tests came back fine. The doctor put her on antidepressants and they helped her for a short time.

After about 6 months she was back at the partying again and I had enough and I ended up leaving one night. I woke up one morning and she was not at home at 4 and I snapped and said screw it. I packed my truck up with my clothes and left. I got to the hotel and then in my head I said I could not do this to my kids. I went thru hell as a kid due to my parent’s bad decisions and I could not do it to them. When we fought we kept the fighting away from the kids and they did not see it. Looking back they realized there were issues, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Also, my youngest had social anxiety issues and we had some issues with her cutting herself. I did what I said I would never do and I stayed for the kids.

We settled into her hanging out with her friends 3-4 times a week. This lasted until late 2013 when she got a DUI. She thought I would be furious but I did not care anymore. I was focusing on taking care of the girls and my career and I had emotionally checked out of her drama. The DUI did shake her up and she started to get better. In the last few years she has cut out the all night partying, except for one night of the week. About 2 years ago I tried working at us, but it did not work out. She complained that the girls and I would do stuff and not include her, so when I was taking my daughters out to dinner I texted her asked if she was working late. She got hateful and asked me why I needed to know what she was doing. I told her we were going out to dinner and she said we do things without her so I was checking to see if she could come. By the way most spouses tell each other what goes on in their lives without being hateful to each other. WTH?

So the last two years we have pretty much been roommates. Before all of this we had sex 2-3 times a week. Now 3 times in the last year and the last time was 4-6 months ago. It is pretty much dead. She said the meds killed her sex drive and she is not interested in it anymore. About a year ago I asked if she was going to work on getting off the meds. She said she would try but she was still unhappy at times. I told her after all this time if she was miserable with her life then she needed to do whatever she had to do to make herself happy. If she needed to leave our family then go ahead and do it. My oldest is about to graduate college and my youngest is finishing up her freshman year. I told myself I would stay until this time but I am ready to leave this mess.

We don’t interact at all with each other. We get up in the mornings and most of the time we get ready together and there is not one word spoken to each other. On the weekends, I get up and run my errands and do my stuff around the house. Most weekends she goes out on Friday night and stays the night at her friend’s house. She usually stays over there until late Saturday evening and on Sunday she will go run errands with her friends or do something with the kids. Literally I cannot remember the last time we went on a “date”. We can go entire weekends without seeing each other 5 minutes.

The last month or two she has talked about our future together. I guess I am confused. Where did this come from? Do you think this is a “marriage” and you really want to continue in it? We are financially well off and I think she does not want to take the hit that comes with splitting up. Losing a few “things” to me is worth being happy. She has “settled” with her job and she is miserable there, but they pay her well so she stays. I have told her to leave if she hates it that much but she stays there. I feel she looks at the marriage the same way.

Now it is time I don’t want to “surprise” her but I don’t want to settle and be miserable the rest of my life. I have done what I felt I needed to do for my kids but I have reached my end point. After all of this I think to myself how can she be surprised it is going to happen. I don’t want to cheat her or screw her out of anything I just want to be fair and split it all evenly and then go our own ways. I don’t want to blurt it out, but I really just want to say let’s end this charade. You obviously don’t want to be with me and I don’t want to be with you. So let’s move one.
I would bet a lot of money that she is cheating or has cheated on you. Frankly life is too short to be married to a women who want's to be a teenager and make you her father. Also there are better women out there for you on the horizon once you get over this nonsense. Your kids will survive, better they have one stable person in their life. Some people are just broken and not meant to be married too. So many people spent too much time trying to make them be something their not.

You were way nicer than I would have been.

Last edited by sokillme; 05-19-2017 at 11:12 AM.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: 24 plus years and I am ready to go

Given what she has said, are you remotely interested in pursuing this marriage? One gets the impression that you are out, and are merely waiting to file for divorce. I believe that if she has awakened, it is way too late. Do whatever is necessary to make yourself safe and secure. If it involves moving back to where your family is, then do so. I recommend a few months of just de-stressing and relaxation. Take stock of your life. By my count, you have spent nearly nine years holding the fort, doing what was necessary while she drank and partied. I wonder how your children view her? Probably not well.

The mentions of a future together are showing that her behavior is beginning to impact her. She sees you with a foot out the door. At 47 her options for a future are not quite what they were at 37 and really not there like they were at 27. She pushes you out the door, and at the last second, whooopsie, I need someone to care for me in my old age. Uh-oh, I partied, he stayed home, I got nothing, he has family, and integrity and ... he is out the door, onto a new life without me, and and and and....I FU*KED UP! I have nobody. I have a job I hate, no marriage and the closest thing I have to family are the drunks I hang out with. At 47, her looks are going, she has an alcohol habit, she is likely going to suffer cognitive impairment from years of heavy drinking and she does not have a husband any longer. She did it to herself, too bad, so sad.

Good luck on your new life. I hope it kicks ass.
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