My long story
Background- We started dating when I was 20 and she was 19. Married 24 years and been together almost 27 years. Also, when we were dating we went to different colleges and we did the long-distance thing and we both trusted each other since neither one us has ever been possessive or jealous. We had our first kid right away and then another one five years after the first one.
We married young but everything was going great. In September 2009, I turned forty and she had a big surprise birthday party for me. The party went good and everyone had a lot of fun, but that night she decided that she was missing out on something. The kids were 16 and 11 and she felt they did not need her anymore. During our marriage we rarely fought before but this caused some major fights. She wanted to stay out until 4 or 5 in the morning partying several times a week and I said I did not agree with it. She said she wanted to be married but she was depressed and just wanted to hang out with her friends some. When I was growing up I was physically and emotionally abused by my stepdad and mom and I struggled dealing with it when we were first married. She told me that she stuck by me when I was having a rough time and asked me to stick by her while she worked thru it.
I did the best I could but it just ended up getting worse. After a while she was out almost every night of the week and I had enough of it. We fought a lot and we almost split up. She said some nasty things during this time, such as I stole her youth and she missed out. I tried to be patient but after telling me this a couple of times I told her if she thought that was true then she could go ahead and leave and I sure in the hell was not going to beg her to stay. She also told me that we were too close and we depended upon each other too much. No kidding! Isn’t your spouse supposed to be the person you depend upon the most? She finally went to a doctor and had all of her hormones checked but all of her tests came back fine. The doctor put her on antidepressants and they helped her for a short time.
After about 6 months she was back at the partying again and I had enough and I ended up leaving one night. I woke up one morning and she was not at home at 4 and I snapped and said screw it. I packed my truck up with my clothes and left. I got to the hotel and then in my head I said I could not do this to my kids. I went thru hell as a kid due to my parent’s bad decisions and I could not do it to them. When we fought we kept the fighting away from the kids and they did not see it. Looking back they realized there were issues, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Also, my youngest had social anxiety issues and we had some issues with her cutting herself. I did what I said I would never do and I stayed for the kids.
We settled into her hanging out with her friends 3-4 times a week. This lasted until late 2013 when she got a DUI. She thought I would be furious but I did not care anymore. I was focusing on taking care of the girls and my career and I had emotionally checked out of her drama. The DUI did shake her up and she started to get better. In the last few years she has cut out the all night partying, except for one night of the week. About 2 years ago I tried working at us, but it did not work out. She complained that the girls and I would do stuff and not include her, so when I was taking my daughters out to dinner I texted her asked if she was working late. She got hateful and asked me why I needed to know what she was doing. I told her we were going out to dinner and she said we do things without her so I was checking to see if she could come. By the way most spouses tell each other what goes on in their lives without being hateful to each other. WTH?
So the last two years we have pretty much been roommates. Before all of this we had sex 2-3 times a week. Now 3 times in the last year and the last time was 4-6 months ago. It is pretty much dead. She said the meds killed her sex drive and she is not interested in it anymore. About a year ago I asked if she was going to work on getting off the meds. She said she would try but she was still unhappy at times. I told her after all this time if she was miserable with her life then she needed to do whatever she had to do to make herself happy. If she needed to leave our family then go ahead and do it. My oldest is about to graduate college and my youngest is finishing up her freshman year. I told myself I would stay until this time but I am ready to leave this mess.
We don’t interact at all with each other. We get up in the mornings and most of the time we get ready together and there is not one word spoken to each other. On the weekends, I get up and run my errands and do my stuff around the house. Most weekends she goes out on Friday night and stays the night at her friend’s house. She usually stays over there until late Saturday evening and on Sunday she will go run errands with her friends or do something with the kids. Literally I cannot remember the last time we went on a “date”. We can go entire weekends without seeing each other 5 minutes.
The last month or two she has talked about our future together. I guess I am confused. Where did this come from? Do you think this is a “marriage” and you really want to continue in it? We are financially well off and I think she does not want to take the hit that comes with splitting up. Losing a few “things” to me is worth being happy. She has “settled” with her job and she is miserable there, but they pay her well so she stays. I have told her to leave if she hates it that much but she stays there. I feel she looks at the marriage the same way.
Now it is time I don’t want to “surprise” her but I don’t want to settle and be miserable the rest of my life. I have done what I felt I needed to do for my kids but I have reached my end point. After all of this I think to myself how can she be surprised it is going to happen. I don’t want to cheat her or screw her out of anything I just want to be fair and split it all evenly and then go our own ways. I don’t want to blurt it out, but I really just want to say let’s end this charade. You obviously don’t want to be with me and I don’t want to be with you. So let’s move one.
Background- We started dating when I was 20 and she was 19. Married 24 years and been together almost 27 years. Also, when we were dating we went to different colleges and we did the long-distance thing and we both trusted each other since neither one us has ever been possessive or jealous. We had our first kid right away and then another one five years after the first one.
We married young but everything was going great. In September 2009, I turned forty and she had a big surprise birthday party for me. The party went good and everyone had a lot of fun, but that night she decided that she was missing out on something. The kids were 16 and 11 and she felt they did not need her anymore. During our marriage we rarely fought before but this caused some major fights. She wanted to stay out until 4 or 5 in the morning partying several times a week and I said I did not agree with it. She said she wanted to be married but she was depressed and just wanted to hang out with her friends some. When I was growing up I was physically and emotionally abused by my stepdad and mom and I struggled dealing with it when we were first married. She told me that she stuck by me when I was having a rough time and asked me to stick by her while she worked thru it.
I did the best I could but it just ended up getting worse. After a while she was out almost every night of the week and I had enough of it. We fought a lot and we almost split up. She said some nasty things during this time, such as I stole her youth and she missed out. I tried to be patient but after telling me this a couple of times I told her if she thought that was true then she could go ahead and leave and I sure in the hell was not going to beg her to stay. She also told me that we were too close and we depended upon each other too much. No kidding! Isn’t your spouse supposed to be the person you depend upon the most? She finally went to a doctor and had all of her hormones checked but all of her tests came back fine. The doctor put her on antidepressants and they helped her for a short time.
After about 6 months she was back at the partying again and I had enough and I ended up leaving one night. I woke up one morning and she was not at home at 4 and I snapped and said screw it. I packed my truck up with my clothes and left. I got to the hotel and then in my head I said I could not do this to my kids. I went thru hell as a kid due to my parent’s bad decisions and I could not do it to them. When we fought we kept the fighting away from the kids and they did not see it. Looking back they realized there were issues, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Also, my youngest had social anxiety issues and we had some issues with her cutting herself. I did what I said I would never do and I stayed for the kids.
We settled into her hanging out with her friends 3-4 times a week. This lasted until late 2013 when she got a DUI. She thought I would be furious but I did not care anymore. I was focusing on taking care of the girls and my career and I had emotionally checked out of her drama. The DUI did shake her up and she started to get better. In the last few years she has cut out the all night partying, except for one night of the week. About 2 years ago I tried working at us, but it did not work out. She complained that the girls and I would do stuff and not include her, so when I was taking my daughters out to dinner I texted her asked if she was working late. She got hateful and asked me why I needed to know what she was doing. I told her we were going out to dinner and she said we do things without her so I was checking to see if she could come. By the way most spouses tell each other what goes on in their lives without being hateful to each other. WTH?
So the last two years we have pretty much been roommates. Before all of this we had sex 2-3 times a week. Now 3 times in the last year and the last time was 4-6 months ago. It is pretty much dead. She said the meds killed her sex drive and she is not interested in it anymore. About a year ago I asked if she was going to work on getting off the meds. She said she would try but she was still unhappy at times. I told her after all this time if she was miserable with her life then she needed to do whatever she had to do to make herself happy. If she needed to leave our family then go ahead and do it. My oldest is about to graduate college and my youngest is finishing up her freshman year. I told myself I would stay until this time but I am ready to leave this mess.
We don’t interact at all with each other. We get up in the mornings and most of the time we get ready together and there is not one word spoken to each other. On the weekends, I get up and run my errands and do my stuff around the house. Most weekends she goes out on Friday night and stays the night at her friend’s house. She usually stays over there until late Saturday evening and on Sunday she will go run errands with her friends or do something with the kids. Literally I cannot remember the last time we went on a “date”. We can go entire weekends without seeing each other 5 minutes.
The last month or two she has talked about our future together. I guess I am confused. Where did this come from? Do you think this is a “marriage” and you really want to continue in it? We are financially well off and I think she does not want to take the hit that comes with splitting up. Losing a few “things” to me is worth being happy. She has “settled” with her job and she is miserable there, but they pay her well so she stays. I have told her to leave if she hates it that much but she stays there. I feel she looks at the marriage the same way.
Now it is time I don’t want to “surprise” her but I don’t want to settle and be miserable the rest of my life. I have done what I felt I needed to do for my kids but I have reached my end point. After all of this I think to myself how can she be surprised it is going to happen. I don’t want to cheat her or screw her out of anything I just want to be fair and split it all evenly and then go our own ways. I don’t want to blurt it out, but I really just want to say let’s end this charade. You obviously don’t want to be with me and I don’t want to be with you. So let’s move one.