So unsure what to do
My life with my husband has been in such turmoil recently. We have been together for 8 years, married for 6. In the beginning, we seemed to be on the same page, but now I feel like we are moving further apart every day. I know we are both to blame, but I am so torn right now and don't know what to do...or if we should even be together.
To give some background... When we met, we were both overweight. Shortly before our wedding, we decided to change that. We both lost about 60lbs. For him, that brought him to his goal, but I still had (and have) a long way to go. It seems as soon as he lost all his weight he became increasingly unsatisfied with my progress. No matter how much I lost, it was never enough. If I lost 2 lbs in a week, he said it should have been five. If I lost 5 why wasnt it 10? He said he thought he was motivating me but in truth it always has the opposite effect...i get depressed, discouraged and eat my emotions. I promptly gained back 20 lbs which I have since lost again, but that is only 20 lbs in 5 years. I know I can do better, and I know why I failed. I simply stopped caring. I felt like if it wasn't good enough, no matter how much I lost, then what is the point?
This is what led to bigger issues and I wholly accept responsibility for my part. I lied about what I was eating. He would always find out or figure it out and accused me of cheating on him with food. And I was. I am. But I can't help the feelings of depression I get when I was trying so hard for so long and it was never enough. He keeps saying if he can lose a lb a day so can I. He doesn't believe men and women lose weight differently and says all of the studies and articles I show telling him otherwise are fake to make people feel better. What i can't get him to understand is that the more he rags on me for doing it wrong, the harder it is for me to stay on track. And it makes me feel like I am an ugly fat person who can't do anything right. When i tell him that, he says he thinks I'm beautiful and it is not about my looks but about being healthy and able to do things with him like go hiking long distances and go skydiving and other activities that I can't do to the extent I could if I were thinner. He says he worries about my lifespan and my joints. All of these are valid points, and I want to do those things. I really do. But it is so hard to stay on track when I am never acknowledged for the positive milestones only the negative ones.
When we argue, I tend to cry, raise my voice or both. I was raised to always express your emotions. He was not and says I am acting like a 2 year old which only makes it worse.
Beyond the weight loss thing, he is also very condescending about my job. I do sit a lot for my job, whether at my desk or in the car, but I make a good living and I am good at what I do. Yet he constantly berates me for having a job that allows little to no activity. He has always worked in hands on positions and now we own a business where he is outside working all day. He talks about it as if he is better than anyone who works an inactive job. But it was my job that kept a roof over our heads and food on the table while we were getting the business up and running. And it is still my job that pays most of the bills..
I could go on, but I think you get the point. I am so confused. I dont know if I can continue with this marriage, but I am so scared to be alone. We moved across the country a couple years ago and the only friends I have here are his family. And even them I am not close to. I am seriously considering leaving and just going back home where I know I have friends and my own family to support me.