My parents were married 51 years. Not a perfect couple, they didn't always seem to like each other. But they stuck together and were there in some form for each other and for us, even amid disappointment. Dad had anger issues, some Asperger traits. Mom was a doormat, passive. They gave me plenty of attributes to try to avoid or correct. Yet in the end, he got sick and she was his rock and he died a married man among his family. I took care of him some but the burden wasn't all on me. They had each other and all that shared history. That takes a lot of patience.
Here I am, 26 years in a marriage that hit hard points 20 years then 15 years then 5 years then 3 years ago and now - seemingly getting worse and worse. Is that just life or do I truly get to/have to start over? I wonder how it is to be a kid of divorced parents - and I'm sure there are many stories - but I do rather appreciate that my parents didn't split even though it wasn't always great. Even when not perfect, they meant well. Isn't that love?
I do feel like I've progressed more than my parents by actively addressing the problems. Divorced kids are more likely to become divorced parents, so the opposite must be true. Do I stay in cuz that seems normal to me? I'm totally down with dating and all that yummy stuff, but I'm a mom... still thinking about my kids -- one of my best attributes and my worst downfalls.
I guess the question is, how much happier will I be? Is that worth sacrificing the hope and happiness of my kids? They'll all be "adults" in 3 years so it's not so much inconvenience growing up but for the rest of their lives. I have my "ticket" to leave -- I realize I've been treated like crap. But I find myself thinking, we know the problems now. Can we fix it?
My recent saga is on a thread Virtual Affairs, BSDM Fantasies... But DH & I lost our emotional connection long ago. We've been decent roommates but both agree we don't have what we want couplewise. Can we get a good relationship back?
I guess the question I was asking was, what does a good marriage look like and will the pain of divorce and the pain for my kids be worth my extra happiness? All relationships have problems and it seems you're just dragging more people into it when you divorce and re-relation. Will my new guy's kids be happy to see me coming? Even though I'm awesome, they may not see me that way. My kids might not be that happy to see me happy with another man. That's the thing - I don't know what divorced families look like or feel like. It just seems it'd be more unstable. I haven't been happy but part of that is my fault for accepting it. Is it unrealistic to think that this person who once made me exceedingly happy could make me happy once again? He loves my kids. I think he's game to try (though he's been volatile). He said, just because you're standing on the bridge looking to jump doesn't mean you're actually going to do it. I guess that's one way of saying this might work.
Ideally people would stay together. I read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay but I don't think you can just ignore your kids in the equation. A divorced pair went to court today cuz the wife wants to move. Dad asked the 15 yo what he wanted and he said - I want things to go back to the way they were.
That's a child's heart. :-( I have no question here. I only doubt myself when I think of my doormat mom. The things our parents do affect us so much. Sigh. Toughest job ever.
Help. I'm still here in Limbo Land. Still trying but getting irritated.
We had a good week when he tried. Then one slip and he said, divorce. but soon enough, back to trying.
We just had a crap weekend. He's so freaked about his job and doing other things. I am nowhere near a priority. He seems to have little interest in me or this wonky marriage. He claims it's just a bad week. Yet he admits he's not that interested. Sorry.
He wants to stay in our comfortable lifestyle, with the kids. I guess he's happy with how things were, roommates, whatever. He doesn't want to think too much about it. His head hurts. He's tired.
He gets sad when I say I actually want a relationship and I'm not just going to go back to the obviously broken one we were having. So I say, do you want out or do you need 2 more weeks? The latter...
He's putting nothing into this minus the week he tried to be engaged with me. He's reading nothing, therapy not, or thinking as far as I can tell. I'm quite sure he loses way more than I do in divorce, as he'll have to keep up support which is his forte and I'll stay with the kids.
He says he's depressed. He certainly hasn't been as "together" as normal.
He travels. So I said, let's not talk this week, text/email important stuff. I think, maybe I should go somewhere next weekend to give him a taste of divorce. But then this all seems like manipulation. If he's so uninterested, just call it a day/a life/a marriage.
What to do for the guy who seems to be slowly coming around? He has many characteristics I'd look for in a new guy, seems silly not to recycle this one.
So sad. I'm 50 and feeling old; there you are at 76. It's never too late to make a stand. What's confusing is setting aside the idea that marriage is for life. My DH is depressed as far as I can tell, so do I stay with this? Alot of what I was thinking was not only saving the marriage but helping him. My compassion goes too far. So I was so sad, even as late as last weekend, just thinking that it's come to this... So I decide, you don't have to do this any more. You tried and it didn't work and that's okay. It's not the best time to leave with my kids' situations but I can keep my eyes open to new possibilties. Then, as though he has read my mind that I've decided to leave him, he suddenly is sympathetic to me, saying what an ******* he's been. smh. I don't even want to think about it.
We all deserve love. So many people in the world. Why is it so hard to find?
That is a lot. You are sad and feel that you are not getting the love you need. You are wondering what your next step should be.
Around the time I turned 60, my wife of a little less than 40 years would no longer have sex with me. When I pushed, out of a need to feel connected to her, she would have sex with me and then pick a fight to emotionally hurt me to the point that I never wanted to have sex with her again.
What was interesting is that she blamed me for our failing marriage. She felt I ignored her. I felt that she had pushed me away. In Chapmans's 5 Languages of love my primary and secondary love languages are touch and praise. There was not sex and there was no touch in our marriage. I looked for praise and got none. Ultimately, I devoted myself to my "job." I thought I was "providing" for my family by working long hours and getting promotions and raises. In reality I was searching for someone (peers and boss) who would praise me, since my wife wouldn't. He felt I was abandoning her for my job. (You might do some introspection on your saying his priority is his job and not you.)
Ultimately, I decided that I deserved better. I promised myself that in a year and a half, I was going to be in a loving and sexual relationship with a woman who cared about me. I knew that I was damaged goods and needed to heal myself, if I was not to repeat the mistakes that got me to where I was.
I started to read a number of relationship books. I found that I was part of the problem in my marriage, that I was not just a victim of a frigid wife. Ultimately I started to change myself for the better and started to do things to make my wife feel loved and cherished (Per Chapman, I learned her love languages and used them to make her feel loved each day).
I then suggested that we see a marriage counselor who was also a sex therapist (as they have extra training in sexual problems.). With a lot of help and each of use working hard to change our self, we were able to save our marriage.
You sound like you are very close to seeking divorce. My advice to you is to work on changing yourself to become a better spouse for either your current husband or your next partner. Then when you have made some changes in yourself, demand that you and your H start marriage counseling. If he says no, then go without him. If he asks why, tell him that you have made yourself a promise that by a certain age, you will be in a healthy emotional and sexual relationship with a man. Tell him that you would like it to be with him, but if he will not participate in counseling then you want to change yourself so you can be the perfect woman for the next man in your life.
Good luck.
P.S. Can you recycle a spouse and be happy? In my experience, you can, if you both work at it even if you don't think you need to change yourself, you really do need to change.
P.P.S. Staying married a long time is more about commitment than love, but it can if both of you work at it include lots of love.