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Terrified of Separation/Divorce, But Not Sure if Other Options Exist

5K views 32 replies 14 participants last post by  Uptown 
#1 ·
There is a lot to post but I want to be as brief as I can so I don’t take up too much of your time.

I have been married more than 10 years. 2 kids, both under 10.

Things haven’t been great for a few years. Things came to a head two years ago when I discovered numerous instances of infidelity. I had made some mistakes too. We did a little bit of marriage counseling. I forgave her, but I never really felt she took responsibility for what she did. This came up in the last couple of days when she mentioned that I gave her PTSD when I found out about the affairs. I was like, “I caused you PTSD?”

The issues that we have are numerous. Money is a big one (she can’t keep to a budget and is definitely the spender). Parenting is another one that we don’t see eye to eye on (discipline for the kids, things that we think are okay and are not okay). Religion is another one (we both began the marriage as active Mormons and I have lost my faith).

I think we are at the point where the tension and resentment between us is just no healthy. I feel like I have never been able to please her. I have never been affectionate enough, spiritual enough, or other things.

We used to go through these episodes and I would try desperately to save the relationship. I would always do the apologizing. I would always be the one to initiate conversations and try to talk through the issues. Now I am just tired and not sure I can really spend any more energy fixing things.

I am terrified of separation and/or divorce (I thought the money problems were bad now!), but I am not sure what else to do. I am not sure either of us have the energy to make this work.

It just seems like the communication doesn’t work any more and no matter what I try to do to fix it, I just can’t. I just get frustrated because the things that divide us (money, parenting, lack of commonality anymore) never get better.
 
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#2 ·
Things haven’t been great for a few years. Things came to a head two years ago when I discovered numerous instances of infidelity. I had made some mistakes too.
You made some mistakes too? Does that mean that you cheated too?
 
#5 ·
EleGirl, yes I did. I came clean to my wife, confessed everything, and she forgave me. In hindsight, I felt she was a little too forgiving. I later learned why. When I first confessed, I asked her about a charge for a hotel room that I had noticed on her credit card statement several months before. She then confessed to cheating, but claimed it was only that one time and it wasn't still going on. I found out five months later that it wasn't one time, and it did not end when she said it did. While I stopped, she did not. When it all came out five months after my confession (and after her partial confession), I also learned that it was more than one person and had been going on for about three years. Then, after that big reveal, I found out three months after that that the behavior continued.

I realize what I did was wrong, very wrong, and I tried to be contrite and honest with her about what I had done. I fully expected her to leave me and was prepared for that. I didn't hold anything against her or blame her. I just feel like I didn't get the same respect from her. She lied to me on numerous occasions, and then claims that I caused her PTSD by how I reacted to her multiple affairs. I see this as almost a complete lack of responsibility on her part.

But after all this, we went to counseling (a few visits) and things really improved. Our communication improved and things were going better. But we have had some serious ups and downs. I am just at a place where I can't really handle the downs anymore.

I know what most people are going to say. We both made terrible decisions, we acted very irresponsibly, acted like children, and I get that. The question is whether we can move forward and fix this or if it is irreparably damaged.

My wife also seems to think that if we divorce, she gets to keep the house and I have to go live in an apartment somewhere.
 
#3 ·
It takes work to make a marriage work and it seems you are defeated and can't put anymore effort in.
I'm my opinion you have 2 options. Work on the issues. Or separate. Make sure your wife knows where you are, be honest with your feelings. What does your wife think about the marriage and divorce?
 
#6 ·
Yes, you have an opportunity to fix this but it will require you both to create a VERY different marriage than what you have now, which made affairs on both sides possible. I'd suggest downloading Surviving an Affair and following the steps given to recover and implementing the checklist of extraordinary precautions so the chances of another affair damaging the marriage are eliminated.

I'd tell your wife that you realize that you've both made mistakes and you want to create a happier, more fulfilling marriage with her, where something like this will never happen again.
 
#9 ·
This is essentially what is going on right now. Although things improved over the weekend. After two days of not really speaking to me and not the kindest of looks, I approached my wife on Saturday and just tried to cuddle her and talk. I just felt like someone needed to try and break the ice and see where things are at. After a bit of conversation, she made a comment about not wanting to go with me somewhere that day. I withdrew and then she said that she was being sarcastic. She treated me better after that, but I felt withdrawn emotionally. Almost like I had mentally accepted a separation. She doesn't like to talk about things, she just pretends that nothing happened. But I know that if we don't talk about it and address, and it is just going to come back in a few weeks and we will be right back where we started.
 
#10 ·
I'm going through many of the same things in my marriage. We have never been able to agree on many of the same issues that you mention, money, parenting, religion issues. She's also made me feel like whatever I do isn't good enough or the right thing and I'm always apologizing to her about one thing or another. I've recently concluded that what I'm doing as far as keeping the marriage alive isn't sustainable. I'm tired of taking the blame and being wrong all the time, I'd rather be alone then be on trial everyday.
 
#19 ·
I am not worried about excommunication. My belief/faith has really shifted, and I don't really attend any more. For me to get excommunicated, she would have to confess to a priesthood leader what I had done. If she did that, her problems would likely come out and she would be excommunicated as well. But excommunication doesn't hold much weight over me at this point.

I am not sure about the custody rules. I would hope for at least 50/50 if things go south.
 
#29 ·
Things are already quite "south", sir.

Serials don't stop, man.

Never ever.

You're better off just filing.

If needed, use an unspoken threat of exposure/ex-communication to move things along in a fair manner.
 
#20 ·
Well, you'd better educate yourself, because when women decide to leave, they often have a scorched earth policy and you may be left penniless, childless, and homeless. Pay a lawyer for a consultation, if nothing else.

I was thinking more along the lines of how the church could mess up your life. I have a friend who hasn't divorced for that very reason.
 
#21 ·
How can the church mess up your life? I wouldn't want to be part of any religon that would look down on you because of a divorce.

The whole priest thing is why i am not catholic. I'M NOT BASHING ANYBODY WHO IS CATHOLIC ITS JUST NOT FOR ME.

I consider myself christian.

But really how can a church mess up your life. Do they stalk you? Get you fired? What could they possibly do ?


i really want to know.
 
#23 ·
Yep, all those things. But that is more prevalent in communities that are largely LDS. I don't live in Utah, so I don't have to worry about that. Removal from the church is definitely a possibility for both her and I. There also could be some family and friends fall out. But not nearly as bad as it would be if we lived in Utah.
 
#25 ·
I know exactly how you feel. I'm tired of trying to work things out with my husband. Communication is the key to a relationship.


Have you sat down and talked about it? Telling her how you feel? Mad respect to you, you've put your pride aside and did all the apologizing even if you know you or her or who Evers at fault.


[emoji177]MamaxP
 
#26 ·
It doesn't seem like she really wants to talk about it. When she threatened divorce last week, I said that we should just cool off for a couple of days and then see how we felt. On the third day after she asked for divorce, I climbed into bed with her and cuddled her and just tried to be close to her. That is when she made the comment about not wanting to go somewhere with me that day, and I withdrew and she claimed she was being sarcastic. Since that time we have kinda been going about our lives, not particularly close but not particularly distant either. No intimacy. But she hasn't said anything about divorce, staying together, long term, etc. She did make a joking comment about me living in an apartment, but it truly was said in a joking way and I didn't take it in a hurtful way. She goes through moods (as we all do) and I can't tell if last week was just a mood or if there was truth behind what she said. I think honestly she is not happy, but she doesn't really want to do the work to make things better.
 
#31 ·
Well, it looks like things hit the breaking point. As I stated earlier, we were kind of going about our lives. We didn't really address my wife's comments from a week and a half ago about wanting a divorce. Things weren't great, but they weren't terrible. Saturday was a good day. Then last night I think we crossed the line of no return. I was upset about some things involving my children, and I got really upset and tried to leave the room. She yelled at me and pushed me, then threatened to punch me in the face. We were both in the wrong here (I shouldn't have let my frustration get the better of me, which I seem to do a lot lately). But the threat of physical violence is something that is just not okay. So I think it is time to put the wheels in motion. My heart breaks for my kids and how their lives are going to be affected by this. But I don't really see any other option at this point.
 
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