I think I need to divorce my husband, but I'm not 100 % sure. He gets very bad anger attacks where he swears a lot, walks off. He had a tendency to break up with me in these anger fits, before we were married. Since we married, a two years ago, he threatens divorce regularly in our fights. He also had a history of either moving out or kicking me out of the house. Most of these previous fights we would somehow manage to contain and reconcile.
Our last fight, on Thursday got completely out of hand. It started with a fleeting irritation on my side about something and I flipped and used some swear words. I immediately apologized for swearing at him, I walked over, said sorry and gave him a kiss. But he was angry and wouldn't let go. He started calling me a ****ing *****. Then he suddenly lunged forward and poured his beer on my head, knocking the bottle against my head. I was in shock and walked away crying, not saying anything. I was very angry and hurt and didn't speak to him for a day. Then it escalated again. I wanted the car keys because I wanted to go running in the park with the dogs. He said he wouldn't give them to me and that I had to leave the room (we were sleeping in separate bedrooms) He started pushing me. i moved back into the room and demanded the keys. he then grabbed me and flung me on the bed. I saw the key on the bed and I quickly took it. He then started grabbing me and trying to get the key out of my hand, he twisted my hand so baldy that the keyholder cut into my hand and I started bleeding, dripping some blood on my pants. he kept grabbing me forcefully, trying to get the keys from my hand. I was crying uncontrollably. At one point he called me a ***** and spat in my face.
I got so upset that I ran out into the street, crying and confused. When I returned I decided that I should return the key or this could become dangerous. I returned the key, but he was still angry. He was throwing my things in the hall, he threw my bike against the door and other stuff. he was telling me that I had to leave now, book myself into a hotel. That this was his house. The papers are all in his name, for a technical/legal reason. We signed an anti-nuptial that basically gives me no rights to anything that belongs to him. He mentions all of this and says that the car (same story, it is not in my name) and the house are his and that I have no rights and I have to leave.
I was no angel in all of this, I said some horrible hurtful things, I shouted and swore at him. But I didn't use physical violence, I didn't spit, I throw liquid at him or kick him out of the house.
He has now gone camping in the mountains to cool off. I am at the house, but have arranged to stay with friends from the day he comes back.
The problem I'm facing right now is that I rationally know that I need to leave him. But the problem is that I still love him. I don't know where to turn to to find the strength. I'm frightened, to be single again at my age. To face the humiliation, we got married 2 years ago, but the wedding party was only 6 months ago. Friends from all over the world flew in for the party. it really was the happiest day of my life. I feel mortified by the thought of having failed at marriage so soon.
Is there any chance a couple can bounce back from this kind of abusive behaviour? I know rationally, that the answer is no, but my heart is just bleeding and broken and I just wish we could make each other happy. When we're not fighting, we're a good match. I have, strangely, also felt very happy in this relationship.
I basically don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome.
A broken heart