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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 12:34 AM Thread Starter
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abusive behaviour

I think I need to divorce my husband, but I'm not 100 % sure. He gets very bad anger attacks where he swears a lot, walks off. He had a tendency to break up with me in these anger fits, before we were married. Since we married, a two years ago, he threatens divorce regularly in our fights. He also had a history of either moving out or kicking me out of the house. Most of these previous fights we would somehow manage to contain and reconcile.

Our last fight, on Thursday got completely out of hand. It started with a fleeting irritation on my side about something and I flipped and used some swear words. I immediately apologized for swearing at him, I walked over, said sorry and gave him a kiss. But he was angry and wouldn't let go. He started calling me a ****ing *****. Then he suddenly lunged forward and poured his beer on my head, knocking the bottle against my head. I was in shock and walked away crying, not saying anything. I was very angry and hurt and didn't speak to him for a day. Then it escalated again. I wanted the car keys because I wanted to go running in the park with the dogs. He said he wouldn't give them to me and that I had to leave the room (we were sleeping in separate bedrooms) He started pushing me. i moved back into the room and demanded the keys. he then grabbed me and flung me on the bed. I saw the key on the bed and I quickly took it. He then started grabbing me and trying to get the key out of my hand, he twisted my hand so baldy that the keyholder cut into my hand and I started bleeding, dripping some blood on my pants. he kept grabbing me forcefully, trying to get the keys from my hand. I was crying uncontrollably. At one point he called me a ***** and spat in my face.

I got so upset that I ran out into the street, crying and confused. When I returned I decided that I should return the key or this could become dangerous. I returned the key, but he was still angry. He was throwing my things in the hall, he threw my bike against the door and other stuff. he was telling me that I had to leave now, book myself into a hotel. That this was his house. The papers are all in his name, for a technical/legal reason. We signed an anti-nuptial that basically gives me no rights to anything that belongs to him. He mentions all of this and says that the car (same story, it is not in my name) and the house are his and that I have no rights and I have to leave.

I was no angel in all of this, I said some horrible hurtful things, I shouted and swore at him. But I didn't use physical violence, I didn't spit, I throw liquid at him or kick him out of the house.

He has now gone camping in the mountains to cool off. I am at the house, but have arranged to stay with friends from the day he comes back.

The problem I'm facing right now is that I rationally know that I need to leave him. But the problem is that I still love him. I don't know where to turn to to find the strength. I'm frightened, to be single again at my age. To face the humiliation, we got married 2 years ago, but the wedding party was only 6 months ago. Friends from all over the world flew in for the party. it really was the happiest day of my life. I feel mortified by the thought of having failed at marriage so soon.

Is there any chance a couple can bounce back from this kind of abusive behaviour? I know rationally, that the answer is no, but my heart is just bleeding and broken and I just wish we could make each other happy. When we're not fighting, we're a good match. I have, strangely, also felt very happy in this relationship.

I basically don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome.

A broken heart

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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 12:48 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

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Originally Posted by womble View Post
I think I need to divorce my husband, but I'm not 100 % sure. He gets very bad anger attacks where he swears a lot, walks off. He had a tendency to break up with me in these anger fits, before we were married. Since we married, a two years ago, he threatens divorce regularly in our fights. He also had a history of either moving out or kicking me out of the house. Most of these previous fights we would somehow manage to contain and reconcile.

Our last fight, on Thursday got completely out of hand. It started with a fleeting irritation on my side about something and I flipped and used some swear words. I immediately apologized for swearing at him, I walked over, said sorry and gave him a kiss. But he was angry and wouldn't let go. He started calling me a ****ing *****. Then he suddenly lunged forward and poured his beer on my head, knocking the bottle against my head. I was in shock and walked away crying, not saying anything. I was very angry and hurt and didn't speak to him for a day. Then it escalated again. I wanted the car keys because I wanted to go running in the park with the dogs. He said he wouldn't give them to me and that I had to leave the room (we were sleeping in separate bedrooms) He started pushing me. i moved back into the room and demanded the keys. he then grabbed me and flung me on the bed. I saw the key on the bed and I quickly took it. He then started grabbing me and trying to get the key out of my hand, he twisted my hand so baldy that the keyholder cut into my hand and I started bleeding, dripping some blood on my pants. he kept grabbing me forcefully, trying to get the keys from my hand. I was crying uncontrollably. At one point he called me a ***** and spat in my face.

I got so upset that I ran out into the street, crying and confused. When I returned I decided that I should return the key or this could become dangerous. I returned the key, but he was still angry. He was throwing my things in the hall, he threw my bike against the door and other stuff. he was telling me that I had to leave now, book myself into a hotel. That this was his house. The papers are all in his name, for a technical/legal reason. We signed an anti-nuptial that basically gives me no rights to anything that belongs to him. He mentions all of this and says that the car (same story, it is not in my name) and the house are his and that I have no rights and I have to leave.

I was no angel in all of this, I said some horrible hurtful things, I shouted and swore at him. But I didn't use physical violence, I didn't spit, I throw liquid at him or kick him out of the house.

He has now gone camping in the mountains to cool off. I am at the house, but have arranged to stay with friends from the day he comes back.

The problem I'm facing right now is that I rationally know that I need to leave him. But the problem is that I still love him. I don't know where to turn to to find the strength. I'm frightened, to be single again at my age. To face the humiliation, we got married 2 years ago, but the wedding party was only 6 months ago. Friends from all over the world flew in for the party. it really was the happiest day of my life. I feel mortified by the thought of having failed at marriage so soon.

Is there any chance a couple can bounce back from this kind of abusive behaviour? I know rationally, that the answer is no, but my heart is just bleeding and broken and I just wish we could make each other happy. When we're not fighting, we're a good match. I have, strangely, also felt very happy in this relationship.

I basically don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome.

A broken heart
If he touches you violently again call the cops.This behaviour is escalating and will end up with you dead or badly hurt and him in prison.While he is away move your stuff out,see a lawyer and find out what you are legally entitled to,The pre nuptial agreement needs to be watertight to be of any use to him and depending on where you live it may not be enforceable.
Do not stay with a man who is willing to use physical force,spit in your facecut you and pour beer over you.This man doesn't love you he is a violent thug and he will hurt you badly eventually.
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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 01:58 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

This is an easy one.

Get a lawyer and get the f**k out of this relationship.

Once a man lays a hand on a woman he is no longer a man.

No one will think you failed at marriage. In fact you will gain more support and respect by dumping this lowlife for how he has treated you and putting yourself first. You will find love again...and you will be even more happy than what you could have ever imagined.

Absolutely no one should have to deal with this. It will only get worse. End it. Now.


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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 04:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: abusive behaviour

Thanks, you're right obviously. The problem is that I still love him. It's very hard to turn that off....But there aren't many options left, we have tried couples counseling already....
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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 04:48 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

Whilst I agree with the sentiments of the other posts in this thread, I would just add that any violence in any relationship is unacceptable, it doesn't have to be a man being physically abusive to a woman.

This sounds like it's escalating quickly and so needs to be dealt with quickly. You cannot be in the same house as him just now as he has broken that physical boundary and it will now just happen again and again until something more serious happens! If you truly love him you need a professional mediator and to convince him he needs to seek help over his anger and abuse issues before you'll step back in that house. Never put yourself in a one to one situation with him if he can flick on the violence as easily as that!

Has he never been violent or controlling at all in the past?
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 04:52 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

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Originally Posted by womble View Post
Thanks, you're right obviously. The problem is that I still love him. It's very hard to turn that off....But there aren't many options left, we have tried couples counseling already....
Takes the average woman 7 times being abused before leaving a relationship.
What number are you on?

Gtfo
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: abusive behaviour

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Takes the average woman 7 times being abused before leaving a relationship.
What number are you on?

Gtfo
I'm on number one.
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

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I'm on number one.
If you stay until number two the chances are you won't be alive for number three.
Most abusers start of slowly,a push or a shove that you aren't even sure whether he meant it or not.It normally takes a few episodes before an actual slap or punch occurs.This "man" and I use the term loosely because any man who strikes a woman is not a man in my opinion,is escalating at a frightening rate and you need to get out NOW!
If you love him as you say then get him to take a course in anger management,then individual counselling for both of you.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: abusive behaviour

He has never been physical before,had never spat in my face before or drawn blood, but he would get these anger fits that could rage for days. Like I said before, I am no angel, I'm also quite quick tempered and can be aggressive at times and I'm very verbal, have a quick tongue. But he has this tendency to threaten divorce (or breaking up before we married), which I felt was very traumatizing and I repeatedly asked him to 'just' fight with me, without breaking up or telling me he wants a divorce. But he didnt change that habit, it happens every fight. He also has a tendency to tell me that I need to move out and I feel he is using his legal advantage against me, which I think is also highly immoral. I felt that these actions were in a sense also violent, because it meant he took away my sense of home, belonging, which I feel all the more because I am a foreigner in this country and have no family or safety net to fall back on.

From the email correspondence we have been having, I realise he will never change, He is adamant that I am to blame as well. And he is correct that I am to blame for verbal abuse, but he doesn't want to acknowledge that he was the only one who used physical violence, not me. He has said that I deserved to be spat on and beer thrown on me because I was being so verbally abusive. I think that is a very worrying thing to say, because I think there is never an excuse to do these things...

So I need to get out, but I also feel my whole life will fall apart. I had invested so much in this relationship, we traveled together, bought a house together, got married. It was a fairytale and I felt genuinely happy, content. I married at a late age and never thought this would happen (I also never really aspired to get married, but it was still a really lovely and sweet surprise that we fell in love and wanted to share our lives together). I have had a string of unsuccessful relationships and had given up on men. We really clicked, were friends for a year first. He is seemingly very gentle and laid back.

What worries me is that the relationship I had before him was also violent. And my ex did similar things: he spat in my face, threw me out of the house, drew blood on several occasions, he would throw my stuff around etc etc. This last fight with my husband therefore feels like a horrible deja vu, a nightmare which I thought I had escaped and now here it is right in the middle of my life again. It's making me doubt myself, maybe I bring this out in men? Maybe I am to blame? Meeting my husband and marrying him for me symbolised that I had found happiness after a very humiliating and traumatic relationship. It was proof that sometimes all does end well. And now this. It is a huge reality check and I'm feeling very confused.
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:26 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

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He has never been physical before,had never spat in my face before or drawn blood, but he would get these anger fits that could rage for days. Like I said before, I am no angel, I'm also quite quick tempered and can be aggressive at times and I'm very verbal, have a quick tongue. But he has this tendency to threaten divorce (or breaking up before we married), which I felt was very traumatizing and I repeatedly asked him to 'just' fight with me, without breaking up or telling me he wants a divorce. But he didnt change that habit, it happens every fight. He also has a tendency to tell me that I need to move out and I feel he is using his legal advantage against me, which I think is also highly immoral. I felt that these actions were in a sense also violent, because it meant he took away my sense of home, belonging, which I feel all the more because I am a foreigner in this country and have no family or safety net to fall back on.

From the email correspondence we have been having, I realise he will never change, He is adamant that I am to blame as well. And he is correct that I am to blame for verbal abuse, but he doesn't want to acknowledge that he was the only one who used physical violence, not me. He has said that I deserved to be spat on and beer thrown on me because I was being so verbally abusive. I think that is a very worrying thing to say, because I think there is never an excuse to do these things...

So I need to get out, but I also feel my whole life will fall apart. I had invested so much in this relationship, we traveled together, bought a house together, got married. It was a fairytale and I felt genuinely happy, content. I married at a late age and never thought this would happen (I also never really aspired to get married, but it was still a really lovely and sweet surprise that we fell in love and wanted to share our lives together). I have had a string of unsuccessful relationships and had given up on men. We really clicked, were friends for a year first. He is seemingly very gentle and laid back.

What worries me is that the relationship I had before him was also violent. And my ex did similar things: he spat in my face, threw me out of the house, drew blood on several occasions, he would throw my stuff around etc etc. This last fight with my husband therefore feels like a horrible deja vu, a nightmare which I thought I had escaped and now here it is right in the middle of my life again. It's making me doubt myself, maybe I bring this out in men? Maybe I am to blame? Meeting my husband and marrying him for me symbolised that I had found happiness after a very humiliating and traumatic relationship. It was proof that sometimes all does end well. And now this. It is a huge reality check and I'm feeling very confused.
He recognised a victim when he saw one and he played you.Why is the house in his name only,if both of you bought it,was this at his suggestion.You need to see a lawyer as soon as possible and try and gather any paperwork that shows that you spent your money on the house.
You also need to figure out why you are picking these violent losers as partners.
That's on you,not him.

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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

You're never, ever to blame for the violent behaviour of your partner.

Now you maybe need to be more selective next time in order to find a genuine good guy. But that's for later.

For now, get out love, you might think you still love him but he does not love you and he most certainly does not respect you in any way, shape or form. Easier said than done but you will never look back - I promise you that.


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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: abusive behaviour

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He recognised a victim when he saw one and he played you.Why is the house in his name only,if both of you bought it,was this at his suggestion.You need to see a lawyer as soon as possible and try and gather any paperwork that shows that you spent your money on the house.
You also need to figure out why you are picking these violent losers as partners.
That's on you,not him.
It's because I am a foreigner, which would basically negatively affect the mortgage. He applied on his own and got a 100 % mortgage (would have been 50 % if my name was on there as well.) We only moved in 3 months ago and I do not want to end up in a legal battle. I think I'm just going to walk away from this all. Cut my losses. I paid a cash instalment on the car, from my savings and he has already indicated that he will repay me that amount. That's all I want. I'm moving out in 2 days. I actually think he can't afford the house on his own, as he doesn't earn much at the moment. If he is serious about therapy, anger management etc. I might give him another chance. But I basically think this is over.

Your last question is on point, I do need to figure out why this has happened twice. I'm still in shock about that. I never thought he was an abuser. No one did, my family and friends loved him and he is generally known as a gentle sweet, quirky and laid back dude. Our wedding party is still so recent, it feels like yesterday that we walked down the aisle, that we held hands and said yes. That we danced with all our friends to the band and had the best day and night of our lives. How quickly it can all turn dark and threatening.....
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

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It's because I am a foreigner, which would basically negatively affect the mortgage. He applied on his own and got a 100 % mortgage (would have been 50 % if my name was on there as well.) We only moved in 3 months ago and I do not want to end up in a legal battle. I think I'm just going to walk away from this all. Cut my losses. I paid a cash instalment on the car, from my savings and he has already indicated that he will repay me that amount. That's all I want. I'm moving out in 2 days. I actually think he can't afford the house on his own, as he doesn't earn much at the moment. If he is serious about therapy, anger management etc. I might give him another chance. But I basically think this is over.

Your last question is on point, I do need to figure out why this has happened twice. I'm still in shock about that. I never thought he was an abuser. No one did, my family and friends loved him and he is generally known as a gentle sweet, quirky and laid back dude. Our wedding party is still so recent, it feels like yesterday that we walked down the aisle, that we held hands and said yes. That we danced with all our friends to the band and had the best day and night of our lives. How quickly it can all turn dark and threatening.....
A friend of mine is a Martial arts instructor and she also teaches self defence classes for women.(There is a difference). Almost every woman in her classes has been physically abused by their husbands or boyfriends and none of them suspected anything until the first blow was struck. A lot of the women say the same thing that you have said,that this was not the first relationship that they had been abused in.Ally(my friend) teaches them just enough to be able to get away from an attacker,she keeps driving home the point that they need to get out of the situation and then call the cops.
For any women reading if a guy attacks you, go for his eyes or his balls,if he attacks from behind lean forward and throw your head back as hard as you can and head butt him or else scrape your heel down his shin.
Then run!
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

What makes you love him? How is he a wonderful person who deserves your love?

Its always difficult to get a picture of what happened from just a few words on a page but from what your wrote he seems abusive, and that abuse is not moving toward physical violence. If so, then you absolutely need to leave before it gets even worse.

Am I missing something or is he a violent abuser?


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Thanks, you're right obviously. The problem is that I still love him. It's very hard to turn that off....But there aren't many options left, we have tried couples counseling already....
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: abusive behaviour

Before reading any of the other comments, I will give my 2 cents.

There is no love on his side of things. If you truly love someone, you don't make them bleed, you don't pour anything overtop their heads, and hit them in the head. You don't pick them up and throw them. He is showing you who he really is. Believe him. If I were you, I would probably grab my things, grab the dog(s), and head for the hills as fast as possible.

Last edited by Ursula; 06-22-2017 at 11:56 AM.
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