You're slowly killing her right now, she needs help. Get her parents involved, get her siblings involved, get friends to help her now.
You're doing her no good, or you might as well bury her right now with what you're doing.
Get her help and you need to leave ASAP. You're toxic to her. Call up her mom and dad and just tell them everything, I'm pretty sure the father will want to bury you somewhere in the desert where nobody will find you, but they need to come and help their daughter out.
If you truly care about her still and want to help her, CALL THEM NOW!
I'm so pissed right now and I feel so bad for your wife that I actually have tears in my eyes for the suffering that you're putting her through. Get off your damn ass and call her parents and get this over with right now.
Her Dad is dead. Her mom is almost 100% deaf, and not all there. She will not allow me to contact any family on her side or mine. I have reached out to her best friend. She is slow to respond, but I'm trying.
I know I have to leave. But I can't leave until I know she is safe from herself.
I'm not exactly happy with myself right now either.
She will not allow me to contact any family on her side or mine.
Like I have said if you truly care for her, call someone. There is the shame but at least they'll be around to help care for her until she gets back on her feet. Does she have a brother/sister who she is close too, call only that person to come and help her.
You need to be gone and she needs to start healing. The longer you drag this out, the worse she's gonna get. She now knows it's over but cannot accept it and with you being there it gives her the faintest flicker of hope that you might just change your mind. Which is cruel to her.
You've got the knife stuck in her heart and just keep on turning it ever so slowly by sticking around and dragging this out.
Why are you asking her for permission to contact family/friends? Just do it. I don't think your main concern is your wife, it's YOU - how you are going to be perceived in the community, with your family and friends, etc. for having an affair and leaving your wife.
I've been married 25 years. I love my husband deeply, but there have been times in our marriage when I have felt more "passion" than others. There very well could have been times when I felt no passion; however, I never stopped loving him and would never consider leaving him because of it. I think it's normal in relationships to have ups and downs with communication, passion, - and with all the different feelings that come in a relationship. The true test of love comes in a couple's ability to weather each type of storm that inevitably comes. You had no intention of making your marriage work since your wife found out about your affair. Just go so she can heal and get on with her life.
I know that you want to make sure she is ok. I hope she can realize that you don't hate her, you just aren't in love with her anymore. There are couples that have had a healthy friendship even though they are divorced. My aunt and uncle are one of them-it is possible, but both parties have to understand that there is no fixing it.
Given her instability, I would tell her straight up at the counselor, maybe even give the counselor a heads up too, that your plans are to tell your wife at that session.
Hertoo - I found out via another thread of your recent arrival over here - I hate to see you pick this direction but if it's the course you must pick so be it.
Having said that - as cheatinghubby said - your indecision and lack of action are painful even for all of us here who have been following you - and we're just spectators. Imagine it for your wife. Call her family and get on with it. My father gave me excellent advice years ago when I getting ready to terminate an employee for the first time, he said, "if you have to cut someone's head off, best to do it with a sharp sword." Meaning, just do it. Don't waffle, don't try to console, deliver the bad news in as straight forward a manner as possible and then leave. You can't both leave her and be there for her - leaving is leaving.
Good Luck to you both, I know it's been a struggle. At least now you can both begin to rebuild.