Is this marriage worth saving?

onemoretimeornot · 01-19-2012, 09:42 PM

I have been married to my husband for seven years, this is my second marriage and his first and lately things have gotten worse than normal. For one, every time that I make him mad, i.e not keeping the house cleaned-up, doing things the wrong way, not his way. He blows up and tells me to get out, or I have so many days to get out of the house. I used to just let it pass and move on, but it has gotten more frequent.

I have a daughter from my first marriage who is 11. He, my husband, basically does not want a thing to do with her. She has some issues with lying and taking things and hiding them in her room, granted that she is not allowed to do much when she is with me. She is not allowed to play with her two siblings because my husband says that she is a bad influence on them and he doesn't want his kids turning out like her. She has to go where ever I go, so that she doesn't get into anything. She will ask him a question and he will either ignore her or give a short answer. She has told me on more than one occasion that she doesn't feel like she should be here. I have to constantly be on her case about everything. I have to make sure that she puts all her things in the proper places, because if something is not where it should be my husband gets upset.

Another issue is my job, I work 24 hours a week in an emergency room as a nurse and I usually go into work in the afternoon and work until midnight or 2am. This way it alleviates the cost of daycare. My husband wants me either to quit or go to days. If I quit I am at home all day and have no outside contact, I have no friends, because if I want to go out and do something I have to take the kids with me. When he has days off, that is his free time and he doesn't want to watch the kids. When I get off of work, I usually go home an sleep for a few hours and then my husband gets up at 4:30 and I have to get up and make his lunch for work. Then I lay back down for another hour and a half and then my daughter has to get up and ready for school, then I have to take my son to school, who is 6. Then I have my 2 yr old with me.

I have tired of having to do what he wants me to do, I am tired of him telling me to get out every time I screw up. I know that I am not perfect, but I am so afraid that I am going to do something to make him mad. When I am at work I will get text messages from him and if I don't answer them right away then I get nasty text messages that tell me that I need to quit my job. Furthermore when I go to work he will no longer watch my daughter from my first marriage, I have had to ask her dad if he will keep her on the days that I work. I have come to the point that I don't tell him things or lie about things that I know will upset him so that I don't make him mad.

I am tired of all this and I have voiced my opinion of this to him. He still claims that he loves me so much and he wants to make this work. I don't love him like I used to anymore, I am tired of the fighting and lying and being afraid to do anything. He now wants me to go to marriage counseling to save our marriage. I am not sure if I want it to be saved. I am short with my kids because I don't want them to misbehave for fear that I will get in trouble. I don't know what to do anymore, and this isn't even all of it. Am I just supposed to keep forgetting everything and keep on going? Any advice?

EleGirl · 01-19-2012, 09:56 PM

Is your marriage worth saving? I’m sorry but I don’t think so. Your husband is very controlling and abusive from what you say. Please seek individual counseling. You might want to try counseling at an abused spouse center. You are an abused wife.

Not only that but you are allowing him to abuse your older daughter. She needs you to protect her from your husband. He sounds like he is verbally/emotionally abusive of the other children as well.
And he’s teaching your children to mistreat you. Just think you sons will learn to be just like him. And your daughters will learn that the hell you are in is all they can expect in life. Help your children and get yourself out of this abusive marriage.
Do the two of you have a joint account? Or does your husband keep a tight control over the money as well?

DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB. I have no doubt that one of the reasons that he wants you to quit your job is so that he can have more control over you. You need that job. Can you get more hours?

Have you considered getting a divorce?

DanF · 01-19-2012, 09:59 PM

It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage to save.
Although I have never been in the situation of having step children, I can not imagine being cruel to a child. Your husband is cruel.
I would like to think that if I were in your situation, I'd take my kid(s) and go.

that_girl · 01-19-2012, 10:37 PM

You are allowing your daughter to be emotionally abused.

That alone would make me leave.

testing123 · 01-20-2012, 12:14 AM

I am not sure if you have properly defined your boundaries with him or not. I suggest that if your husband is 100% willing to go to counselling (once he is made fully aware of your unhappiness) and you are able to rebuild your self esteem and clearly define your boundaries and he is willing to respect them, then I say you may have a chance. He also needs to accept full responsibility of his actions. I suggest you read 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing' by Beverly Engel. It is tough to read, but will allow you to dig deeper into the issues and identify that you are being abused and how to stop it from continuing, and will help your husband realize why he is abusing and help him stop.

But I do not believe that this could happen with the two of you living in the same house. Think of your relationship as a swimming pool. If you are trying to dry off, there is no way you can do it in the pool. You need to get out of the pool, give yourself some time to dry off, then come back and build a new pool. Our MC gave us that, I think it's brilliant.

accept · 01-20-2012, 04:17 AM

If you go to sleep so late being at work you dont have to get up at 4 to prepare his lunch. He should very well do it himself. Or prepare it the night before.
You cannot carry on like this. I dont think your H wants you to leave but you have to make him understand that you are also a person.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby · 01-20-2012, 06:11 AM

I would get out fast. Your husband will emotionally ruin your daughter if he already hadn't. She will have low self esteem and never feel good enough through his rejection. You married a complete controlling jerk who hates kids.

My husband has never treated my daughter that way and treats her like she's his right from the beginning. Never once has he had problems taking care of the 3 girls and I just spent 5 nights in the hospital for a kidney infection. It's her biological father that has emotionally ripped my daughter apart and is proud of it.
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mandabear · 01-23-2012, 02:55 PM

if this were my marriage i wouldve left him already. i believe your children come first! if he really wanted to make it work, you wouldnt feel the way you do. dont let him keep treating you or your kids this way any more. give counseling a chance and if you see no improvement on his end then divorce him. you and your kids will be happier in the end!