Thanks Conrad. I don't think I'll ever have the right kind of feelings for him. It makes it hard because he hasn't done anything concrete to deserve this. Ignoring me, not communicating, saying hurtful things, treating me like his mother, lying to me, yes....but...why am I still so bothered by this? At some point, I wanted a future with him, now I see none, but I can't let go.
I'd make the appointment with a counselor and get to the bottom of it before I did a thing about it.
I am not in a similar situation. I just feel if your husband is kind and good, why would you want to leave him? I understand that "intimacy" is an important part, however, scientifically its more of chemicals running around in your body.
And if you are a not feeling attracted to him, chances are you may not feel attracted to anyone else too, or you may just lose attraction for any other person of opposite sex too. There are no guarantees!
However, do what you think is best for both of you and try to act fast if you already know the answer.
You don't feel attracted to him physically and he doesn't seem to care. You're only 27. He's probably around your age (right?).
Where is he releasing his stuff? I would suspect pornography is his current mate.
If that's the case, you need to do everything you can to get him to IC for porn addiction.
If he has no desire to have sex with anyone, then he's depressed. His chemical balance is not right. It's not normal for a guy to not want sex.
Have you done anything to investigate these issues? You are in a marriage and I admire your concerns about your husband's feelings, but if you really haven't taken proper steps to help him, then your concerns are not much use to him.
Also, when did you stop having "wifey" feelings for him and not being attracted?
About seeing a future with him, I don't think you were blind when you got married to him. You obviously saw a future and made a commitment.
Divorce is not pretty. It's a ride to hell and back with wounds that sometimes never heal no matter which side of the matter you are on. No one escapes divorce unharmed. Be careful what you initiate before it's too late.
Can you have a few conversations with him without fighting?
I don't think I'll ever have the right kind of feelings for him.
BB, I haven't read your other threads and maybe the answer is there, but have you ever "wanted to rip his clothes off"? Have you ever had the right kind of feelings for him? If not, then why did you get married? I am struggling with a similar situation and feelings so that is the basis for my asking.
who is it that doesn't want the sex? I'm confused by the posts and I'm not sure if its you that's not wanting sex or him.
I've left my marriage after 3 years of no sex due to his refusal. I'm 37 and wanted children, that was more important to me than anything else.
I don't hold with all of the therapy stuff, if you are unhappy in your marriage, then you're unhappy in your marriage. A therapist talking about your childhood isn't going to help.
I was gutted to be leaving my husband as he was my best friend for 10 years, I thought i'd never be able to go through life not in contact with him, but hey I left him, met another guy fairly quickly and haven't looked back.
Now i'm in a relationship where sex is fantastic, I feel wanted and desired and as a result, I want and desire him too.
I think your husband and you need a good long talk about where your future is headed and he needs it to be pointed out in no uncertain terms that you will leave if you can't get things straight.
I still believe that my husband didn't try to fix our marriage because he believed I'd never leave him
I'd make the appointment with a counselor and get to the bottom of it before I did a thing about it.
Carpenter's rule.
Measure twice.
Cut once.
Hi Conrad - yes, I'm in IC. Working on it, but all that seemed to happen was I started feeling better. I enjoy my husband's company, I just feel like there should be more "feelings"..
I am not in a similar situation. I just feel if your husband is kind and good, why would you want to leave him? I understand that "intimacy" is an important part, however, scientifically its more of chemicals running around in your body.
And if you are a not feeling attracted to him, chances are you may not feel attracted to anyone else too, or you may just lose attraction for any other person of opposite sex too. There are no guarantees!
However, do what you think is best for both of you and try to act fast if you already know the answer.
Amanda
Hi Amanda - I guess I'm thinking I should leave because I don't have intimate feelings towards him. My H is a great man, but I know a lot of great men, doesn't mean i want to sleep with them. I had tests done, and physically, there is nothing wrong with me, and I'm in IC to discuss my emotions, etc. I've had other successful physical relationships I know there are no guarentees
You don't feel attracted to him physically and he doesn't seem to care. You're only 27. He's probably around your age (right?).
Where is he releasing his stuff? I would suspect pornography is his current mate.
If that's the case, you need to do everything you can to get him to IC for porn addiction.
If he has no desire to have sex with anyone, then he's depressed. His chemical balance is not right. It's not normal for a guy to not want sex.
Have you done anything to investigate these issues? You are in a marriage and I admire your concerns about your husband's feelings, but if you really haven't taken proper steps to help him, then your concerns are not much use to him.
Also, when did you stop having "wifey" feelings for him and not being attracted?
About seeing a future with him, I don't think you were blind when you got married to him. You obviously saw a future and made a commitment.
Divorce is not pretty. It's a ride to hell and back with wounds that sometimes never heal no matter which side of the matter you are on. No one escapes divorce unharmed. Be careful what you initiate before it's too late.
Can you have a few conversations with him without fighting?
Hi, yes he is 29. I tried to get him to go to IC, but he won't go. I told him 2 years ago (married about 6 months) that he was neglecting me, taking me for granted, treating me like his mother or one of the guys and it was affecting my feelings for him. He did nothing other than buy me a present. Wouldn't talk to me, or try to work on our feelings. I feel like all the blame is being placed on me, I guess I shouldn't expect anything different..
We can talk all the time without fighting, unless it's about something serious..as long as we stick to tv/sports, everything is fine.
I'm not trying to make him miserable. I do love him :'( I feel like nobody gets it. We've been together 6 years, it may not seem long to most, but I'm only 27. I love my husband, like family. I wish I had wifely feelings towards him. I'm so scared of the actual separation, losing all the good we have. I'm in IC for major situational depression... Posted via Mobile Device
BB, I haven't read your other threads and maybe the answer is there, but have you ever "wanted to rip his clothes off"? Have you ever had the right kind of feelings for him? If not, then why did you get married? I am struggling with a similar situation and feelings so that is the basis for my asking.
HD
Hi HD - My H and I had a "normal" physical relationship. After we got engaged, things slowed down a little, once we were married it became non-existant. It just seemed like things changed, the way he treated me..
It's been a long time since I wanted to "rip his clothes off", but I thought things always slowed down, just didn't expect it to burn out I tried to talk to him, but to no avail did he even try to change, until I left recently, now he's trying but I'm so burnt out, exhausted, and depressed. I went home for awhile, and we got along, but the intimacy is just not there. I'd like to hear more about your story, maybe we can help each other
who is it that doesn't want the sex? I'm confused by the posts and I'm not sure if its you that's not wanting sex or him.
I've left my marriage after 3 years of no sex due to his refusal. I'm 37 and wanted children, that was more important to me than anything else.
I don't hold with all of the therapy stuff, if you are unhappy in your marriage, then you're unhappy in your marriage. A therapist talking about your childhood isn't going to help.
I was gutted to be leaving my husband as he was my best friend for 10 years, I thought i'd never be able to go through life not in contact with him, but hey I left him, met another guy fairly quickly and haven't looked back.
Now i'm in a relationship where sex is fantastic, I feel wanted and desired and as a result, I want and desire him too.
I think your husband and you need a good long talk about where your future is headed and he needs it to be pointed out in no uncertain terms that you will leave if you can't get things straight.
I still believe that my husband didn't try to fix our marriage because he believed I'd never leave him
I don't want to have sex with him, he's hurt me, and ignored me for so long. I think it's a normal reaction, but now he's "trying" to be better, but our physical relationship was never that strong. I didn't care though because we are best friends, got along great, liked spending time, etc...
As I've gotten older, I want children and so does he, but I can't just do it...I need intimacy, romance, ugh...I feel so lost.
When we got engaged, yes, I was always so proud and happy to be with him, but things escalated...he would ignore me, neglect me, fight with me (but not talk things out), treat me like his mother or one of the guys..We fought a lot, but when it came time for the wedding, everything seemed to be in place, and I just kept thinking about all we did have, was sex and intimacy really that important? It didn't seem so at the time...
It's so hard, because I would have to give up all the good things and I care about him and his feelings so much
When we got engaged, yes, I was always so proud and happy to be with him, but things escalated...he would ignore me, neglect me, fight with me (but not talk things out), treat me like his mother or one of the guys..We fought a lot, but when it came time for the wedding, everything seemed to be in place, and I just kept thinking about all we did have, was sex and intimacy really that important? It didn't seem so at the time...
It's so hard, because I would have to give up all the good things and I care about him and his feelings so much
If you had that once it can be rebuilt. You are right that your loss of desire for him is a natural raction to the way he treated you. It can be healed but it takes time.
Take a look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. They are about how to rebuild what you have lost. The author, Dr. Harley also gives phone consulations. He might be able to help you two get beyond this. Since you still love your husband on some levels it might be worth a try.
If you had that once it can be rebuilt. You are right that your loss of desire for him is a natural raction to the way he treated you. It can be healed but it takes time.
Take a look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. They are about how to rebuild what you have lost. The author, Dr. Harley also gives phone consulations. He might be able to help you two get beyond this. Since you still love your husband on some levels it might be worth a try.
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Re: It's gonna break his heart 
