I was having trouble sleeping at night, thinking this is killing me and I just can't go on anymore.
Simply put, I was able to recognize a dysfunctional relationship pattern I had fallen into over the years. It also helped explain why I got into the relationship in the first place. She was a good person, with good values, that we had instant sexual chemistry with. It was too easy in the beginning, but by the time the flags started to appear, I was already attached due to the sex and companionship.
My only advice to you is just be completely honest.
The truth will set you free, one way or the other.
This is all so true for so many people but the statements in bold...that's what started my journey...and it has been an eye opener! Someone told me that I needed to be honest with myself. I thought - I know how to be honest with others and what that means, but being honest with myself? What is that? I struggled for a couple years before figuring it out.
Re-read what you are writing. I believe that you are probably not happy with where you are, but being like me, you don't want to hurt anyone....the problem is, in the end you are hurting.
Try being as kind to yoursel as you are to others,
I've been in the same position with someone I was not married to, but lived with for 7 years. I was not in love with him for 6 of those years, and whenever he touched me, I felt repulsed. But I felt too guilty to leave because he was so kind and good. Eventually we did break up. It was horrible and I wanted to die every day for months. But 5 years later, I'm glad I moved on. We never could have been happy, and I was just wasting both of our time. I think you want real, true, deep, passionate love--and if it's just not there, you can't force it. I think you should start seeing a therapist to work through your guilt and form an exit strategy.
I know your situation and am in a very similar one at the moment. I like you don't want to break his heart.
I really don't think there is any other way than to just do it. Make the decision, find a time when he will listen (which is the hardest part) and talk to him. I know this is what I have to do and am working towards it at the moemnt.
I don't think any break-up is easy but if it;s what we have to do to move on and be happy in life, we need to do it. I like you are young (30) I want kids one day and my H doesnt even know if he can have kids and never told me before we were married so that kinda sucks!
You are bothered by this because you care for him, its human nature. You don't want to hurt him but you will.
Hi everybody,I'm on the other side of this...my wife has lost the love for me....I just wish she'd love me or leave me so i get on and heal,it's been going on for 4 months and is doing my head in all this pushing pulling pushing pulling.....we are due to start counselling and i'm hoping this will bring it back. a little history....we been together 19 years have 3 daughters 1 with very high special needs.for the past 3 years we have pretty much been flatmates till 4 months ago i decided i wanted more for me and my family i gave up smokes and started running and well it went down hill from there. my wife also has some serious childhood issue's (abuse). and a feeling of being abandoned by her father when her parents broke up,and this stuff seems to have come up for her.she tells me she's not interested in any man touching her,and it kind of feels like i'm the guy that done all this stuff (abuse and abandonment)to her that's how i feel.i don't think she let me go,but like i said i want more than flatmates,i want the love and think we both deserve it, it's really hard for me cause i love her and when someone not want you it seems to make you want them more....she also keeps bringing up all the negative **** i've done in our marriage stuff's that not there anymore like things i did 18 years ago when i was a drinker....you know most men when they go through a mid life thing get a fancy sport's car and a 20 year old girl friend....i just wanted more with my family....lol wish i'd gone with the car and 20 yr old now......good luck to you.....
All - sorry I have not posted for awhile. Thank you so much for all of your responses. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
Sammy - I am here if you need to talk. Are you still with your H? Separated?
S4E - I'm trying so hard to be honest with myself. It's not easy. I question myself constantly - am I expecting too much? could I have done more? Is ___ really that important? etc...
GoodLove - I am in therapy, but it's just so hard to deal with. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be a "cake eater." We're best friends. I find myself missing him, missing laughing, missing hanging out, but that's what FRIENDS do...sighs..
LostLove - What is your plan? Are you guys going to therapy together? Are kids a deal breaker for you?
FireTruck - I am so sorry you are in this position. Have you told your wife to love you or leave you (essentially)? How did she respond to that? I feel like after all this, you guys may be able to work it out. She shouldn't bring up stuff from 18 years ago. That's not fair. Do you really want to be with someone like that? I hope you find peace soon. No one deserves to hurt..
Hi bluebeauty...yes i have told her,it almost feels like she is co-dependent on me and can't let go which must be hell on her,and with all that stuff she lay's on me about the past i think she coming at me to either convince herself to break up with me,or she's using our marriage as a avoidance to sort out the other childhood stuff that's come up for her...i dunno really it's so effin hard,i just want more....you know the funny thing is that if she dos choose to end this i think in time she will have very deep regret's about it,without sounding to conceited i am a very good man with a beautiful heart,i love my family i love been a father and a husband and i don't want to be a part time Dad, the truth for me is that as much as i love my children,if we don't make it I don't think i could stand to be in this town with her and watch her have other lover's it would just be so hard, i'd have to go some where and find something maybe peace, what i do know bluebeauty is that I can't do misery
....life is vital gotta live it on purpose.....and that's what i'm rolling with i'm just gonna be and if she can't see me that's out of my control...tear's well in my eye's as i write this, hope you are ok
....you know the funny thing is that if she dos choose to end this i think in time she will have very deep regret's about it,without sounding to conceited i am a very good man with a beautiful heart,i love my family i love been a father and a husband and i don't want to be a part time Dad, the truth for me is that as much as i love my children,if we don't make it I don't think i could stand to be in this town with her and watch her have other lover's it would just be so hard, i'd have to go some where and find something maybe peace,
One BIG question....
you said in your first post "I have 3 daughters 1 with very high special needs",
now you say
"without sounding to conceited i am a very good man with a beautiful heart,i love my family i love been a father and a husband and i don't want to be a part time Dad, the truth for me is that as much as i love my children,if we don't make it I don't think i could stand to be in this town with her and watch her have other lover's it would just be so hard"
A good dad who loves his children would not leave town and desert them because it would be too hard...and I know you preceded with "without sounding conceited"...but for the record - you do! Such a catch....
yes you are right struggling4ever....it just so painful,and i think once i get away and find something of myself again i would come back i have given my family all of myself over the last 19 years and feel this is part of our problem it's like i've lost who i am and cannot seem to get that back i do not know where to begin i like hanging out at home with my kids i have a few friends that visit me and work full time i was happy i.the other option that i'm entertaining is going for day to day care of my daughter not that my wife is a bad mum in fact she is fantastic mother it's just that i'm the homebody and she likes getting out and about traveling etc... so i pretty much look after the kids alot of the time we have discussed this i'd rather do this with her on board than go to courts it could work out ok she's not shutting down this idea, for me it would be better for her to come hang with us in my world than me go into her world not that she'd rush out and get new lover straight away but love can strike at any time and she is after all a very hot lady...lol,we not at this place yet we have yet to do marriage counselling and we could sort it out i am hopeful that we can work and am very willing to give this my best, i'm trying to get open talking going and pull down some of the walls that she's putting up she is very stubborn lady and seems to be holding onto past very much, i dunno strugglingforever it's just very painful for me and i think it hurts her like hell as well these things are never pleasant,
You seem to have been confused but how did you exactly feel when you separated from him? Did you miss him? If you did, I think you still have some love towards him.
I'm in a worse position now where I and wife are hating and killing each other and we have two beautiful children, which makes it even more difficult for me to decide whether I should separate from her or not. Feel free to read my thread.
As you guys don't have children yet, actual separation should be easier for you than my situation. If a child was involved, it would be a mush worse shackles.
I'm just playing devil's advocate (so, please don't take anything personal)...
Above you stated, "He's a great man but just not for me." And, "I don't want to lose all the good we have."
Yes, the relationship has issues based on what you've stated but what relationship doesn't? If he's your bestfriend, that says a lot. Have you evaluated yourself to see what it is you really want out of a partner [other] than a fierce sexual relationship? And would you be willing to trade that type of relationship for the close bond you seem to have with your H?
IJS, no one will ever have the total package. We all lack something. It's just a matter of time before it's spotted.
Just remember it will always be a trade off.
Exactly what doesn't turn you on about him? What if he changed his hair or started working out? It sounds like it's just a physical turn off outside of the things you pointed out. But overall, you said the relationship is pretty good.
Our physical relationship was never really good, but I understand relationships aren't perfect. I chose the trade off. I married my best friend, who I loved to do things with, who listened to me, talked to me, was there for me..I chose that over a strong sexual relationship.
However, after we got married, he stopped doing as many things with me, and stopped talking to me (even after I begged him too). He started treating me like his mom, more than his best friend even...
Obviously, we still have an emotional bond, it's comfortable, but I guess as I've gotten older, my priorities have changed, and so have his. He wants more physical, and so do i, but I just don't feel it. He use to be so good to me, but I guess being neglected, always put 2nd, and being treated like someone's mom takes the attraction away.
I appreciate your response and a different perspective.
It's not his physical look that is unattractive to me....
For example, we are separated, I'm currently living with my parents (shoot me). This has made him very angry. I asked him if he can like try to "date me." He said he doesn't want to date me, he wants me home. I think you should always "date" your spouse and appreciate them.
I would always do things like make him breakfast in bed...until he started being like "what...no orange juice?!" seriously!