Insecurities in me has seemed to doom our love!
My wife was my first everything! Her hand is the only one I have held my whole life, her lips are the first I ever kissed, she was the first girl I took to the movies, the first person I decided to explore sexuality with, and she was the first person to stay committed to me in my life; however, I was not her first in any of those! We met when I was 17 and she was 16, and have been together ever since! When we first dated I did not know she had past sexual relations with others until about 10 months in when a friend sat me down and told me! I was hurt, very hurt and rudely took it out on her verbally! I always have been able to forget about it and move on, but lately the thoughts of her being my first while me not being hers has bugged the hell out of me! This issue is something that I feel if I cant get over then I will never be able to love or appreciate her fully! There is also more! The thought of her past sexual relations even comes to mind when making love and ruins the moment for me! It stinks!
We got married in June, 2011, at the age of 22, and ever since our wedding I have been having troubles thinking she is the one for me! I feel that I have not experienced much in life and that there is possibly something else out there for me! I feel for some reason that if I dont experience life on my own I will never be able to appreciate life with a spouse! Even before our wedding I had doubts and had the desire to seperate and go see if something else is out there, but everytime I would debate it in my head it always seemed better for me to stay in the relationship! Since the marriage tho, I have been having way too much uncertainty that I cannot get over!
I love my wife, she is beautiful and I want to make sure she is taken care of and succeeds! At times tho, the insecurities of her past, uncertainties of our true love and the want to go out on my own and explore and see if there is someone else out there for me seems so strong and I feel I cant resist! I am at such a loss! I feel I would rather divorce now, move on and regret leaving her later but look back at what we had as beautiful rather then stay together and "make it work" now and look back and regret never going out on my own and seeing if there is something else out there! Everytime we go to take a separation, however, I cant seem to go through with it! There is something telling me to stay with her, to work things out and get over my issues, but then there is that something saying "just move on, its best for both of you!" My mind is so discombobulated right now I just want to run away! It sux!