Insecurities in me has seemed to doom our love!

ces1010 · 01-21-2012, 06:50 PM

So,
My wife was my first everything! Her hand is the only one I have held my whole life, her lips are the first I ever kissed, she was the first girl I took to the movies, the first person I decided to explore sexuality with, and she was the first person to stay committed to me in my life; however, I was not her first in any of those! We met when I was 17 and she was 16, and have been together ever since! When we first dated I did not know she had past sexual relations with others until about 10 months in when a friend sat me down and told me! I was hurt, very hurt and rudely took it out on her verbally! I always have been able to forget about it and move on, but lately the thoughts of her being my first while me not being hers has bugged the hell out of me! This issue is something that I feel if I cant get over then I will never be able to love or appreciate her fully! There is also more! The thought of her past sexual relations even comes to mind when making love and ruins the moment for me! It stinks!

We got married in June, 2011, at the age of 22, and ever since our wedding I have been having troubles thinking she is the one for me! I feel that I have not experienced much in life and that there is possibly something else out there for me! I feel for some reason that if I dont experience life on my own I will never be able to appreciate life with a spouse! Even before our wedding I had doubts and had the desire to seperate and go see if something else is out there, but everytime I would debate it in my head it always seemed better for me to stay in the relationship! Since the marriage tho, I have been having way too much uncertainty that I cannot get over!
I love my wife, she is beautiful and I want to make sure she is taken care of and succeeds! At times tho, the insecurities of her past, uncertainties of our true love and the want to go out on my own and explore and see if there is someone else out there for me seems so strong and I feel I cant resist! I am at such a loss! I feel I would rather divorce now, move on and regret leaving her later but look back at what we had as beautiful rather then stay together and "make it work" now and look back and regret never going out on my own and seeing if there is something else out there! Everytime we go to take a separation, however, I cant seem to go through with it! There is something telling me to stay with her, to work things out and get over my issues, but then there is that something saying "just move on, its best for both of you!" My mind is so discombobulated right now I just want to run away! It sux!

accept · 01-22-2012, 04:08 AM

There have been similar threads here. As long as she is doing nothing wrong and you get on well together STAY.
Dont believe what you hear that the grass may be greener it isnt always and not worth risking what youve got for that. You dont say she lied to you. If you do stay you have to forget it not bring it up ever again!

EleGirl · 01-22-2012, 04:29 AM

Of course there are other women who you could be attracted to and even be happily married to. There are over 3 billion women in this world. There is not only one special person in the world for each of us. There are many people each of us is attracted to and whom we can lust after and even fall in love with.

The difference is when we chose to make a commitment. Love is not the feeling we have in the beginning of a relationship.. that is often lust. Love is a commitment to treat a person well, to take care of them, to protect them and so forth. Love is action more than it is feelings.

You made a commitment to your wife. You are now having buyer’s remorse and using her previous sexual partners as your excuse for your own lack of character. You want an excuse to leave her and break your word? Don’t use her and tarnish her because you cannot even keep your own promises. At least be man enough to admit that the fault is all with you.

UnHappyWife_WantsToLeave · 01-22-2012, 02:19 PM

This is a dangerous road & the start of a bad relationship! I remember having these same thoughts when we first got married! We married young as well, and 12 years later - she has had enough & threatened to leave, 1 foot out the door.

Believe me - the issue is not her. It's 100% you.
What makes you any better as a person than her? Are you going to 'show her' by treating her like the trash you think she is? Or do you want to treasure this woman for loving YOU and fully accepting YOU! She only asks the same, but your ego is in the way. Please, for the love - get off your high horse, it's lonely up there...

ces1010 · 01-22-2012, 02:41 PM

I know its 100% me, but i dunno how to fix myself! It sux!

UnHappyWife_WantsToLeave · 01-22-2012, 03:55 PM

ces1010,

I appreciate the fact you want to do better and you recognize a problem. Seriously - good on you.

Even though our details don't match exactly, I felt similar when my wife and I got married. I worried if I made the right choice, were we the right ones for each other, does she 'really' love me, does she think of past boyfriends, etc.. Mostly they would be thoughts that popped into my head, and they consumed me. I wasn't a tyrant or a generally bad guy, but over the years I felt by not recognizing she was a blessing to me, not someone to 'take care of' or 'fix' but someone to enjoy life with, I have almost drove her away. She will get tired of it. She will begin to despise you and eventually she will seek that void elsewhere.

You need to truly ask yourself is your marriage worth fighting for? If some guy came knocking on your door and when your wife answered, it grabbed her & started walking away - would you care? I dare to say some days you'll say "whatever" and other days will be "I can't live without her". You must learn to love. I venture to say, you probably feel bad about yourself & you are taking it out on her. Get peace in your heart.

Some of this typing is for my own good as well, but looking at other people's problems & identifing yourself in them is great therapy actually. Try reading a few threads - see if you can find your worst case scenario & see if you could live with it. You guys are young and this is so easy to fix (if you want it to) now while things are simple.

I recently watched a movie: Fireproof. It's a little like an 'after-school' special, but take the movie serious - please. If you open your heart & mind to the movie, maybe something will click. That's all you need, a start & keep learning how to be a good husband. I wish I would have done this when I was your age...