Lucidlife

Long back story. High school sweethearts. She is really the only girl I ever dated. She got pregnant just after graduating high school. I was in college. I felt an obligation to her so we got married. I understand this was a mistake but I was raised that way. My mother died right before she got pregnant and my father was broken from her death so I was literally alone. So I made the decision to marry her. I also promised her parents I would get her through college.

And I did. It took me a bit. I worked and went to college full-time and did the best I could. She ended up with a Master's in Mathematics. It's been 18 years now. In fact our daughter just turned 18. Now, I feel ready to move on. I have never been happy in this marriage. I have never really loved her as a husband should and because of this it's been really hard on her over the years because I would distance myself at times because I just didn't want to be there. We separated for about 3 weeks 6 years ago or so. I just felt nothing for her. Literally nothing. My mood soared when thinking of being without her. Alone. But I came back to her because my heart just broke seeing how it crushed her. She literally couldn't function. I...pitied her.

So, I am 38 now. My daughter is an adult. I think I am looking forward into the next phase of life and it terrifies me that it's just going to be me and my wife in the house when my daughter leaves. And that's because I just don't want to spend time with her. At all. When I am home I am reading, working in the shop, etc. I am always busy at a hobby. I never want to spend time with her. And that is something I SHOULD want to do. I have read many articles and books on the subject and they all talk about a point of no return when one of the spouses literally has no emotion for the other. I am there and have been for years and years. But I just hate to disappoint her family so much and I know it will be a heart wrenching experience for everyone. Our house will have to be sold. She would most likely move in with her parents for a time. I'm sure they would hate me. But I don't know what else to do. Am I to be unhappy the rest of my life? I just don't love her. We have sex very infrequently, maybe once every 2 weeks or so. It's just a bad thing all around.

I guess I am just venting. I don't know what anyone call tell me anyways. She senses something is very wrong. I have been emotionally gone the last few weeks and it's hurting her badly. She is asking me what's wrong and I just don't know what or how to tell her. There is no other woman or anything like that involved so nothing clouding it up so to speak. I just hate to hurt her. I know it will hurt my daughter as well. I guess I want the impossible. For everyone in this situation to come out happy. Of course my sister is railing on me to leave and I would expect her to. Should I be feeling guilty for wanting to be happy?

I would welcome anyone's thoughts.

2xloser

You can't help what you feel; it is what it is.
You CAN help what you do about it, and how it affects everyone around you... here's my thoughts:
- get yourself into IC, to deal with the guilt if nothing else.
- get yourself AND wife into MC, to address the realities. If nothing else, they can help you understand one another and prep for an amicable split. If there's any chance of repair to your current marriage, this would likely be the best shot, too. But either way, it gets you to the dialogue you so badly need to have...
- make yourself 2 plans. One, a plan of what you'd do if you somehow HAD to stay... what you'd change and how you'd go about it. Second, an exit plan. Then, review that plan for what type of adjustments you could make to ease the pain for 'them', to give the best possible outcome for them that is also acceptable to you...
- Set a deadline, say 3 months from now, when you will execute one of those plans. Buit stop thinking of either of them as the preferred plan while you give MC a real shot. Then, if you leave, you can look back knowing you really gave it that one last gaps effort, and not a half-a**ed try...

Good luck.