Grizzly21

Im gonna try and keep this short.

Ive been married for just over a year now. As with any marriage the first year has had its challenges with settling down, learning to live together, dealing with in-laws, dealing with friends etc.

Since the start we had major issues in our sex life, for all practical purposes we had a non-existant sex life for the first 6 months of our marriage. Needless to say this created a lot of tension in the marriage and blame. The problem was with my wife who avoided sex, was never in the mood...and it always ended up in arguments and fights.

We went for counciling and sex-therapy which did not really solved anything. (6 months of counciling). Eventually i told my wife straight up in the presence of the therapist that i think the problem is in her head..and its not a physical problem as doctors ruled that out. We eliminated all the usual suspects..(rape, child abuse) so there was no traumatic experience that might have caused this.

It all boiled down to poor self-esteem. Since then this issue has spread to other parts of the relationship as well....everything in my wife's life is a crisis and she cant deal with it. Whether it is spilling a cup of coffee on her blouse or struggling to find her car keys...she usually ends up in tears.

The other night we were getting ready to leave for dinner and her necklace broke...it was a $10 necklace....she was so upset she cried in the room for 45mins...i tried to calm her down to no avail.

The bottom line is this...my wife is a 30 year old woman but emotially she acts like a 15 year old teenager. She cant deal with ANY sort of issue or challenge in her life. Every 3rd day she is in tears because she cant decide what to wear to work or when we go out??

Here is the bottom line although i love my wife, i cant see us starting with a family or having kids while she is so emotially unstable. Our lives are fairly un-complicated and simple at the moment, there is no financial issues and we are physically healthy....but yet it feels like im constantly just trying to keep her calm. She tried some anti-depressants but it also did not work (6 month trial).

We have been in counciling since the start of our marriage dealing with sex issues, emotional issues.

What am i to do??? I feel like if she cant deal with life atm...there is no hope of her dealing with the stresses and responsibility of kids...so i am considering divorce since i want kids oneday....but not with a woman who will most likely slip into depression once they are there.

Any response is welcome

accept

What do the counsellors say. You have paid them money surely they should come up with something. It seems you have had sex a few times at least. Maybe you destroyed her by telling her always it wasnt good enough instead of encouraging her. How was she with the BF before she met you. Or even before your marriage. Unless you get the sex sorted out and it shouldnt be that difficult it wont last.

Grizzly21

Well the councilers all spend hours and hours talking and talking asking how we feel etc. No counciler every gives you a straight answer...they are mainly there to guide you to the answer yourself. So there was no definte answer...the closest answer we got to was the one of my wife's bad self esteem.

With regards to the sex. I dont think i could have been more patient...for the first 3 months i never once pressured her into sex...even on our 2 week honeymoon (where there was no sex)...i never once bad mouthed her or made her feel like a failure i was a supporting as i best i could and it was my idea to go for counciling together so we could work on the problem as a couple. I always told her sex...was our problem...not only her problem. (Although it is pretty obvious that the problem is with her).

But obviously after a while of no improvement i did get frustrated with the situation and yes there were fights and arguments. And yes this did not help

As to her sexual history with other men....she was a virgin when i married her...although she obviously had some sort of sexual relationships with her previous boyfriends....when asked about it..she never said there were problems.....although there were fights because she did not want to have sex with them....she was saving sex for marriage..

accept

So she was a virgin. How lucky you are (or could have been). Is she still a virgin. Maybe you 'hurted' her too much. Maybe she needs dilators.
Again to me this is a simple problem and should easily be sorted out.

FiveToGo

Hi Grizzly21 - although I'm not in exactly the same situation as you, I saw some similarities in your story and wanted to respond. My situation is 18+ years married to a man with low self esteem. His is not as extreme as how you describe your wife's, nor was his as obvious in the beginning. When we first started dating and he would always let me make the decisions, I thought he was just being considerate. And when he would ask me what he should wear for this or that, again, I thought he was just being kind and wanting my opinion. It wasn't until we had kids that I realized that the reason he acted that way was because he was just not able to make a decision on his own (whether that was because he just didn't want to or just didn't know how to). It is a really hard thing to deal with in a spouse. On one hand, I want to be (or at least I used to want to be) a supportive wife and help him with his issues. On the other hand, I am practically raising 3 kids single handedly, as he provides very little in the way of helpful parenting. I really don't feel that I have the energy anymore to devote to him as well. In hindsight, I should have forced the "decision-making" issues with him early in the relationship. I may have understood better then what his real issues were and that maybe we really weren't compatible after all (as I have a tendency to be the very opposite - independent, stubborn, etc...)

I could especially relate to your comment about your wife acting like a 15 year old. I have often felt that my husband's way of reacting to many situations was very similar to a 12 year old boy. A close friend/relative of mine also pointed that out, even before he knew how I was feeling about H. My kids have surpassed their father in terms of mental maturity and ability to handle responsibility.

So I don't really have much advice, other than to say that you are fortunate to recognize these issues early on in your marriage, and to have the chance to make a decision, one way or the other, before you have children. I would advise that unless there is some major breakthrough for your wife, that having children will only exacerbate her "condition". Best of luck in whatever you decide.

synthetic

Sounds like she hasn't experienced much hardship in her life if ever and lacks the tools needed to deal with small crisis.

How was her upbringing? Was she somewhat spoiled? What is her level of education? Does she work? How is her public life? Is she interested in looking attractive in public? How do you perceive her communication with other males? Does she interest them (to safe boundaries of course)?

Those are key things in a woman's self esteem. I'm just a guy but I know how important those things are.