Hi
I have a 3yo and a 7 week old and am considering divorcing my husband of 4 years. We just can't communicate when it comes to anything, and the fact that this includes safety concerns has very much gotten my attention. He is unwilling to work on the relationship and indeed cannot even recall what my concerns are about the relationship and the kids are from one day to the next. You'd have to know the guy for this to make any sense, so if you're trying to get your mind around how a person could not even remember important stuff and can't, feel free to give up. He is a surfer who lives off a fairly meager trust fund and additional gifts from Mom. We live in Hawaii. He knows that papayas are good and the waves were great this morning, and getting him to focus on anything else is fruitless, no pun intended.
ANYWAY, the communication thing has been frustrating all along but it has been some glimpses of his cluelessness regarding child safety that have put the proverbial nails in the relationship coffin. I cannot relate and have lost all respect. But that's a catch-22; he is so laid back and ignorant that I have concerns for the kids should I divorce him. He has displayed ever worsening judgment when it comes to our oldest's safety (dropping her off at home while I'm napping, then leaving again with her alone in the home/I'm unawake and unaware I'm in charge, leaving her with someone on the beach so he can surf, someone we don't really know that well and who when it comes right down to it is technically homeless, refusing to acknowledge that 4 days of not keeping anything down constitutes a dehydration concern/refusing to take daughter to ER...) he's well meaning but I think this is a capacity issue. I think he honestly doesn't understand what can go wrong and refuses to acknowledge that his lax approach could be dangerous.
I am so done being frustrated by him and wish to preserve what is left of my sanity and divorce him. My concern is this:
Are the things I mentioned grounds for supervised visitation? And how hard is that to get? Would I have to have deep pockets and a go-ge-'em lawyer, or would the judge simply look at my list and make his decision? In other words, am I looking at one of those nasty custody battles?
If so, I don't have the money for that. I may decide to stay just so I can avoid the anguish of handing our girls over to him. Especially for long periods of time, like overnight In the morning he's going surfing and there's no stopping him. He'll make it work somehow, and I shudder at the arrangements he would make to do so. I can see him leaving them with whatever scummy roommates he will move in after I leave, so he doesn't have to work and pay all the rent. The roommate he had when our first daughter was born had Hep C and left his used razors around (I almost stepped on one) and STILL it was a battle to get DH to agree that he should leave. Also he's practically narcoleptic and as long as I've known him, at 8pm he falls asleep, pretty much regardless of what the children might need. SO in addition to the above stuff, I worry about the kids' safety at night.
I would consider waiting until they're older to divorce, for safety reasons, but I know that it will be emotionally harder on them later.
Any insight or advice (or just a hug) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I have a 3yo and a 7 week old and am considering divorcing my husband of 4 years. We just can't communicate when it comes to anything, and the fact that this includes safety concerns has very much gotten my attention. He is unwilling to work on the relationship and indeed cannot even recall what my concerns are about the relationship and the kids are from one day to the next. You'd have to know the guy for this to make any sense, so if you're trying to get your mind around how a person could not even remember important stuff and can't, feel free to give up. He is a surfer who lives off a fairly meager trust fund and additional gifts from Mom. We live in Hawaii. He knows that papayas are good and the waves were great this morning, and getting him to focus on anything else is fruitless, no pun intended.
ANYWAY, the communication thing has been frustrating all along but it has been some glimpses of his cluelessness regarding child safety that have put the proverbial nails in the relationship coffin. I cannot relate and have lost all respect. But that's a catch-22; he is so laid back and ignorant that I have concerns for the kids should I divorce him. He has displayed ever worsening judgment when it comes to our oldest's safety (dropping her off at home while I'm napping, then leaving again with her alone in the home/I'm unawake and unaware I'm in charge, leaving her with someone on the beach so he can surf, someone we don't really know that well and who when it comes right down to it is technically homeless, refusing to acknowledge that 4 days of not keeping anything down constitutes a dehydration concern/refusing to take daughter to ER...) he's well meaning but I think this is a capacity issue. I think he honestly doesn't understand what can go wrong and refuses to acknowledge that his lax approach could be dangerous.
I am so done being frustrated by him and wish to preserve what is left of my sanity and divorce him. My concern is this:
Are the things I mentioned grounds for supervised visitation? And how hard is that to get? Would I have to have deep pockets and a go-ge-'em lawyer, or would the judge simply look at my list and make his decision? In other words, am I looking at one of those nasty custody battles?
If so, I don't have the money for that. I may decide to stay just so I can avoid the anguish of handing our girls over to him. Especially for long periods of time, like overnight In the morning he's going surfing and there's no stopping him. He'll make it work somehow, and I shudder at the arrangements he would make to do so. I can see him leaving them with whatever scummy roommates he will move in after I leave, so he doesn't have to work and pay all the rent. The roommate he had when our first daughter was born had Hep C and left his used razors around (I almost stepped on one) and STILL it was a battle to get DH to agree that he should leave. Also he's practically narcoleptic and as long as I've known him, at 8pm he falls asleep, pretty much regardless of what the children might need. SO in addition to the above stuff, I worry about the kids' safety at night.
I would consider waiting until they're older to divorce, for safety reasons, but I know that it will be emotionally harder on them later.
Any insight or advice (or just a hug) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.