I need advice... Should I separate from my husband. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 03:25 AM Thread Starter
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I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

Hi, I'm Claudia. I have been married for 3 years and I have son he is 14 months old. We had only been dating for 6 months when we got married. I thought there was nothing else out there for me and so I settled for him. I was also tired of looking and waiting for the right one to come along.

In the beginning he was very sweet, loved to cuddle, kissed me when he left for work, etc. I, on the other hand was not, I preferred a distance. I never showed affection or even got mad when he would spend money on roses, (which by the way are expensive) that we could have spent on something we needed. All that changed after a couple of moths though. I take fault in that. So we started to struggle financially. So, i found a job an hour away which didn't make him happy. I made friends there which he never approved of. Yeah, he had to approve of my friends that I had, because I don't have any left. He has driven all my friends away even my best friend. Just by making them feel umcomfortable. So I had to leave that job because it just wasn't worth all the drama I had to go through at home. I found a job 2 miles away from our apartment. Even then he wasn't happy because of the pay. After some time we decided we needed a change and moved to another state.

Once there he promised he would change. Spend more time with me, not be so controlling, so demanding and we would start fresh. Can't believe he fooled me. Once we got settled in he started going out with his cousin to dance clubs, go shoot pool, playing soccer and etc. While I had to stay home. When i tried to go out with friends he wouldn't let me. Said he could do it because he was the man of the house. In the mean time he had done away with all the self confidence I had in myself. By telling me how ugly or fat I was getting and that I needed to lose weight. When i was for certain going to leave him, I found out I was pregnant. My first thought was to not go through with the pregnancy because this would not be a good home for him. But, I couldn't bring myself to end my pregnancy. I thought that with the baby he would change. I was fooled again. During my pregnancy he would tell me not to eat so much that i was getting to fat and he would always check for stretch marks on m body. Through out my pregnancy I was in depression didn't even get to enjoy being pregnant. If it wasn't for the ladies I worked with I honestly don't think I would have made it through. Once the baby got here, things were great for the first couple of weeks then he started leaving again not caring that I didn't get any rest. I felt like me and the baby didn't matter to him. Yes, I would always try to tell him how I felt but he would and still says "here we go, your going to start again"... gosh how I hate those words. So things continued this way. Until he decided we needed a change and so we moved to another state.

Now we're here and its still the same or even worse. We don't have sex any more cause I feel uncomfortable because he calls me fat or ugly. And when we do have sex which is like once every couple of moths, I just lye there hoping my son wakes up so it can be over. He doesn't help with my son at all. I can count the times he has changed my sons diaper on one hand. He won't watch my son for an hour so I can go run errands. I have to do everything when it comes to the house and my son. He thinks its enough with him working. Now when I look at him I feel disgust. I know he is the father of my son but I dislike him so much for how he has treated me these three years. He is only happy when he has money which is rarely because since we started struggling financially we haven't stopped. He looks at what everyone else has and wants it. He is so concieded I hate it. He thinks there is no one better than him.

I really don't have anyone to talk to. My family says I have to put up with it because of my son. That divorce is not an option but I just feel like if I stay I'm going to end up doing something crazy. I want to finish college which I didn't do because he didn't allow it and so I had to drop out. His reason to many guys. I have recently started online classes secretly since I can't find a job here. I don't know what to do... PLEASE HELP!!! ANY ADVICE HELPS!!!

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 06:43 AM
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

You started off badly as you say. You didnt really want him and even showed it. Now you still dont want him but neither does he want you. You will divorce in the end its only a matter of time.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 09:12 AM
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

His treatment of you right now is horrible - as in, really really bad and unhealthy. You are not going to grow and maintain healthy self-esteem while he's tearing you down each chance he gets.

I would suggest getting some hobbies, friends, activities and such that would help you get your self-esteem back. Perhaps it would be a good idea to try some individual counseling to help you get back your self esteem as well. You have a right to these things, so put up some strong boundaries and stick up for yourself.

To be fair, I think the marriage really had no shot if you settled and showed that to your husband right off the bat by emotionally shielding yourself and withholding affection. I think by your post you recognize this, so it's best to think of that in the past and try to figure out what is best for you right now.

You deserve a lot more out of a marriage than what you are getting right now.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 09:13 AM
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

Concentrate on getting a job and divorce him.

It doesn't sound like the marriage was very strong to begin with, so it doesn't sound like there is much hope here. Forget what your family thinks--if you know it's done, it's done. I know it's hard having a 14 month old--hopefully that brings some joy to your life, even if he's a lot of work? Good luck.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-07-2012, 12:35 PM
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

You let this man go too far as it is..he is breaking your spirit..I'd get a lawyer..see a therapist and I would kick his butt out. The longer you let this continue the worse you're gonna feel..You do not deserve to be treated that way.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-10-2012, 02:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

Thank you so much for your replies and great advice. I'm having trouble deciding to leave because I don't want to be seen as a failure and I don't want to have to start all over again. I have asked him if he sills loves me and he just tells me what do you think and nothing more... I wish he would just say no and maybe that would give me the courage to leave... Also my son just loves loves to have his dad around, everytime he sees him it doesn't matter who is there or what he was doing he goes straight for daddy... I just can't imagine what my son would think if he didn't see him as often anymore... I'm so lost and confused...
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-10-2012, 08:51 AM
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

Well you clearly destroyed him at the very start of your marriage and since then his resentments have exponentially grown.

Even right now, your reason for not leaving him is not love but your own desire to "not be seen as a failure". That tells me you never let go of your toxic ego. He won't either.

This is a very unhealthy lifestyle for your son. He will pick up on everything and face difficulties of his own as an adult thanks to your unhealthy marriage.

It's time to make a change. You both need to realize that your current marriage is a lost cause and it can only come back to life if all the fog and resentment is cleared away.

I still have a hard time swallowing your behavior at the beginning of your marriage. Why did you do that to him? Were you in love with someone else?
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-25-2012, 03:39 AM
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Re: I need advice... Should I separate from my husband.

Sometimes it become difficult for some people to continue their relationship with their life partners because of their different behaviors. If you are not able to live in proper coordination of with husband then it will be better to leave your husband rather than living in stress.
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