Having the talk... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 05:23 AM Thread Starter
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Having the talk...

Hi Everyone,
I've been reading for a while now trying to make sense of things and am at a point where I need to reach out and see if anyone can offer up some thoughts/advice.

I've been married to my husband for 3 years, but together for the last 11. We grew up together out of college. I now have a successful career, I'm driven, focused and responsible. He is not. He's been unemployed for 3 years and not making any effort to find work. He's in school part time and failing, in year 4 of a 2 year course. He's addicted to gaming and anything that will allow him to not deal with adult reality. I've been seriously unhappy for a very long time. I support us financially, emotionally and logistically and I am exhausted.

Over the last little while I've come to the conclusion that I can't put my life on hold waiting for him to grow up. He refuses to make any effort to do so. I need out and I need to do it now so we can both move on with our lives. My exit strategy is all lined up and I'm going to have the talk with him on Saturday to tell him its over.

Below is an outline of what I'm planning to say. If anyone has any input, suggestions on this, I'd appreciate it. I want to preserve his dignity and keep this as calm and clear as possible.

I love you and care about you but I'm just not happy. We've both known this for a while now and tried to fix things, but its just not working. I can't lie to you and myself and pretend everything is ok. This relationship isn't working for me. I've reached a point where I've realized we need to separate.

If he presses for more info then I will talk about how we've outgrown each other and our lives are going in opposite directions and we're not a good match.

Thoughts, opinions, advice??? I know he will be hurt but I'm trying to do this as gently as I can. I do care about him a lot, love him even, he's just not what I need in a partner. Oh, if you're wondering about the separation thing - where I live you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. I think that we will likely divorce, the only thing that would change my mind on that would be if he redefined who he was and grew up and took some serious responsibility for his life.

Thanks all for your help.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 05:43 AM
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Posts: 2,894
Re: Having the talk...

I think you have it pretty much thought over well. Good luck and I wish you the best!

I would be doing the same thing in your situation. He is taking advantage of you and your right to put a stop to it!
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 06:17 AM
Join Date: Dec 2011
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Re: Having the talk...

You dont mention kids. If the years add up it seems you married him while he was unemployed not a clever thing to do. I am surprised you havent given him an ultimatum till now. I can assure you he will do anything to stay. If you really want to leave its not use saying you still love him that will give him false hopes.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 07:35 AM
Join Date: Oct 2011
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Re: Having the talk...

You sound like you a very well grounded and deserve better. I think a seperation is in order.

Sounds like he needs to grow up. I think the best thing for your husband is some tough love. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

Look at it this way if he can not take care of himself, how is he going to take responsibility for children some day. He sounds like a terrible role model.
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