I am 27 years old, and have been with my husband for 5 years, and married for a little over 2 years now. We have an 18 month old little girl together. My husband came home last Saturday and said he has been unhappy with me from the beginning of our relationship, and that he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. He also said he had doubts about marrying me to begin with.
He really didn't show any signs of being unhappy until this past month. He never once told me he was unhappy, or wanted me to put more effort into anything. I admit that I wasn't the perfect little housewife, but who is? Yes, I could have done more cooking and cleaning, but I think that he could have as well. I gave up college and my job to stay home and raise our daughter. This was a decision we both had made.
I was offered a job this December, and talked to him about it. I knew he was stressed because he hates his job, and is having a hard time supporting us. I put our daughter in daycare, and went to work. I ended up becoming miserable at work with lazy people, not seeing me daughter, and taking home only about $150 per paycheck after taxes, daycare, and gas expenses. I saw him start to pull away, and thought maybe it was because he saw I was unhappy at work. I sat down and discussed everything with him. He told me to do whatever makes me happy, and that he will support me with any choice I make. I called my boss the next day and quit, then pulled put daughter out of daycare. This same day, he talked to my best friend about a trip to New Orleans we had planned in a few weeks. He told her I could go with them now since I quit my job, and wanted to know how much money I needed so he could pay my way. He wanted me to have some fun, because he said he knew I needed and wanted to go. All of this was just 3 days before he said he was unhappy, and wanted to leave.
He is in a new band full of single men...they have been playing a lot of shows lately. On Jan 14th, he wasn't home when I woke up, so I called around to see if he was ok...nobod knew where he was. He finally called me around 11am claiming he had too much to drink, and stayed with a band member...I now know that he didn't stay with this person. The very next weekend, he didn't come home until 8am...he said he was at denny's eating with the guys. Then this Saturday, he showed up at 2pm Saturday afternoon after playing friday night...then dropped this bomb on me.
I've tried talking to him about trying to work it out, seeing a marriage counselor, and trying to get where we use to be...he just won't listen. He isn't acting like the person I know and love. I'm really worried about him right now. He hasn't even mentioned anything about him being unhappy, or leaving me to he family or his friends that he has known his entire life.
I've talked to a few of our mutual friends, and they just can't believe what is happening either. He stopped wearing his wedding band the day after he told me all of this. The next 2 days, he only came home to shower before going to work. I asked him where he has been staying. He claims he is sleeping at the recording studio because he doesn't even want to be at the house. It almost seemed like he was going to try to work on things in the middle of the week. He was coming home again...not being super sweet, but he was there. He would climb in bed with me every night. He went right back to ingoring me again, and looking at me like I was nobody this Friday. He packed a huge bag, and told me he was leaving for the weekend to stay with his friend. For some reason, I just don't believe it. This friend doesn't even know what is going on.
I feel in my gut now that I have seen certain things that he is seeing someone else. He has been sneaky about making phone calls and texting. He takes his phone everywhere with him now. I was woken up this morning by the sound of his alarm on his cell phone. I thought that was odd since he had left. I found his cell phone hidden under a bunch of stuff in the nightstand with no sim card in it. I called him after that to see if it would ring, and it does...so he has another phone now. I just don't know why. He also took his phone off of our family plan, so I can't access anything but my phone records. I have also seen things online that he has been saying to another girl...this girl has been going to all of his shows since mid December.
I just don't know what changed so suddenly, and why he is just pushing everyone away that cares for him. He tried to say I made him move in with me, ask me to marry him, and made all of the decisions about the house. None of that is true. He would constantly tell everyone how much he loved me, and is so thankful to have me in his life. He was even still saying these things last month.
None of it makes sense to anyone right now. I really need help. I can't let my marriage die when I know it's right. He told me he needs time to think, and I need to give him some space. I don't know what he is talking about, because he hasn't really even been home. He just keeps saying he is sorry and everything will be ok. I am willing to try to makes changes, and save our marriage, but I can't if he won't let me in, won't talk to me, and won't even look at me. If he did slip up, and make a mistake with someone, I am willing to forgive him...but he has to tell me, and stop seeing her.
Any and all advise is welcome. I am at a loss right now.
Get solid proof of the affair and out it to his family, your family and anyone else who he knows. Ask your family, his family and your friends to help you get him to quit the affair. Affairs thrive in the dark. They wither in the light of day.
Find out as much as you can about the OW (other woman). Send her a letter letting her know that she is interferring in a marriage and partipating in destorying the family of a little girl. If she is married or has a boyfriend out her to them. Out her to her family as well.
Tell your husband that he is not welcome back in your home until he has given up his affair and only if YOU decide to take him back.
Look at the 180 in my signature block below. Treat him the way it says to treat him. He needs to know that he will lose you if he does not stop this nonsense immediately.
I think the only way for me to know for sure is just to show up at one of his shows unnounced and just watch. I am planning on going to the gig they have this Friday. I know this is the place that this girl always shows up to.
If I do see something, I will take photos and confront the two of them. I don't care if it hurts me to see...he has already hurt me enough by acting like he is right now. It will at least give me an answer as to why it happened.
I already told him when he lef the house that he needed to stay away until he made up his mind. It wasn't good for me, him, or our daughter to see him like that.
I wasn't controlling at all in out marriage. I never questioned him, and supported everything he did. He always had the control over where we would go, or he would go. He also has all of the control over all finances. We never got a joint account or anything. I don't know many women that would allow there husband to go out and party 3 nights a week, and dump a ton of money into a car project. I never told him he couldn't do something, or have something that made hime happy.
My husband left for 3 months (june through september this last year) and there was no one else...but he said similar things, but he just felt confined and I was a horrible person at the time. Very controlling and verbally abusive-- but after therapy, I'm doing great and our marriage is alive again
And I don't mind him dumping money into car projects lol
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how horrible it feels
I think you did a wise thing telling him to leave until he makes up his mind. It sucks to see them and not know what's going on.
My husband also suffers from anxiety disorder, and has bad panic attacks. He is on an anti depressant to help with it, so I am starting to think that maybe it's the wrong medicine for him. He just keeps saying how he is so depressed, and in a dark place. His moods are all over the place.
I've been cheated on a lot and it sounds like he's cheating. I doubt whether he has been unhappy since the beginning of your relationship. I think they say that to justify their affair, and somehow try to convince themselves of it.
You need to try to find some hard evidence that he is cheating and confront him about it. After that I'm not sure what you should do - I'm not the best person to give advice. I took back a serial cheater several times and I really regret it. But some people do only cheat once, and they are able to rebuild and improve their marriage.
Update: He came home just now to get our daughter and take her to a superbowl party. I had already told him that he couldn't do that. She doesn't need to be in a place I don't know, around people I don't know, and drinking. He took her anyway.
I asked him if we could try spending some time together some time this week...not talking about this, just seeing if we could be us again. He got all mad, and said I am trying to force him to do things. He said he will spend time with me if and when HE wants to. I asked him if he even thought of me as his wife, and he said no. It's only been a week since he told me all of this nonsense. How could he already feel like I am not his wife? I then told him that he needed to just go ahead and file for divorce if he doesn't want to try to work on this, and stop stringing me along. He then said that it was his decision to make, and will do it when he is ready! I am so behind pissed off right now! Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, your husband sure is acting like a prick. My advice to you is to take decisive action. I didn't, and allowed my STBXH to have affairs, treat me like dirt, and pretty much make my life hell. For over two years! I hesitated because we had been married for seventeen years, had a daughter, finances, etc. I tried and tried to make it work, and I was scared to death to be on my own. I finally worked up the courage to leave seven months ago.
My greatest regret was that I allowed him to crush me with two years of abuse and selfishness. I should have gotten out a lot sooner than I did - I would have been left with more of my self-esteem intact.
Do you have family and/or good friends in the area who you can go to for emotional support, and possibly a place to stay? Can you get your hands on some money?
Go for the 180 and implement it as best you can. Don't chase, don't plead, don't ask for explanations or a chance to talk.
I don't have any financial support other than my husband, and no access to anything that is "ours". I have been trying the 180, and it is so hard. I told him not to come back until he made up his mind, so I figured that's what he did. Clearly, he wants me to be the bad guy. The only reason her took our daughter tonight was so he doesn't have to tell his friends what is going on between us.
I guess the only thing left to do is go file myself, and have some sorf of support and custody put in writing. I never thought I would be getting divorced at 27...I didn't even think I would be a mother at 27! This is hard Posted via Mobile Device
That's crazy! Most men want to get away from the little kids for Super Bowl. Is there anyway to make yourselves less available to his whims. Definitely journal his behavior tonight and the need to take his daughter to a party (questionable behavior for a court).