Hi I am new here and just need help trying to figure this out. I dont have anyone that I can talk about this with.
My husband and I have been together over 8 years and will be married 5 years this May. I am 29 and he is 28. We have two beautiful children. Sunday I noticed he was acting strange, he really wasnt saying much. So I asked him what was up and he said he was unhappy in our marriage. Obviously i broke down. I didnt pick up on this at all. He said he cant really put a time frame on it but he says anywhere from 6 to 12 months. He said he has been trying to get himself to be happy during that time. But he hadn't been able to get happy, I guess. We went most of the day not speaking. Later on after the Super Bowl, he wanted to talk. Which we did. He says he has no clue why he is unhappy. He cant pinpoint what would make it better. He did say that he wanted something new. Not someone but just something new. He says that he loves me with everything he has and if he was happy would want to still be with me. I convinced him to try and work it out. I said it was unfair for him to walk away now since I was never told he was unhappy and I never had a chance to work with him on this. Oh and then he said he isn't excited to come home and see me anyone. He said he used to love to come home to me but thats not there anymore.
After we spoke that evening, he went to bed a few mins before me. I got in the bedroom and was about to get in bed and he asked me to get in on his side. (this never happens lol) We cuddled and then obviously everyone knows what comes next. It was amazing. It was so passionate and just perfect. So much better than its been in a while.
But the only bad thing now that he has said this...is that I am critquing his every move. Trying to do something different yesterday I had everything cleaned and done for him when he got home. All he had to do was throw his pizza in the oven. I was expecting a text at work or something saying thank you. I got nothing. When I walked in the door I mentioned it to him and he said he noticed it when he got home. Nothing really from him. I cant stand this. I need to talk to people about this. I dont have anyone around that I can talk to about this.
I need advice what can I do to try and turn this around? I cant lose him. He is my best friend. I love this man with all my heart. I will do whatever I need to do to save my marriage. Divorce is not an option for me.
Can you plan a vacation, or weekend away together? That might help you both recharge and refresh the relationship. And it might give him "something new" to look forward to.
Otherwise, you need him to be a bit more specific with what his issues are. Maybe he is feeling old and like "is this all there is to life?", maybe a mid-life crisis.
There is also marriage counseling to consider. That could help open the doors to better communication. Individual counseling could also give you someone to talk with about how you are feeling about your marriage. How ARE you feeling about it? Have you felt loved and appreciated and happy, while he's been becoming unhappy this past year?
Be on the lookout for signs of an affair, though. Sounds like he is ripe for one, and if a woman pays him the slightest bit of attention, he'll bask in it and an affair could start.
Oh, I'm so sorry things aren't the way you hoped they'd be in your marriage. I know it's difficult to hear that your spouse is unhappy, but at least his feelings are out in the open now. Hopefully, that means you can both now get to the root of the problem.
And, like norahjane mentioned, I think a marriage counselor might be a great help in this area. Sometimes they can dig a little deeper and make us aware of issues we may not have thought of. But, I realize your husband may not be on board with this? If not, it still might be worthwhile to see someone on your own. At the least, they can help you know how to respond to your husband and the feelings he expressed. So, I don't know, maybe that's something you've looked into already? If not, from working at Focus on the Family, I know they have a site where you can get free referrals to counselors in your area. Might be worth checking out.
Well, I really hope your husband finds some peace in his life and is able to put his whole heart into working on your marriage. Don't give up hope-I know a lot other spouses who have been in your shoes and come out the other side with a stronger marriage!
It does sound like a mid-life crisis..Sounds like your marriage got stale and you need to shake things up. Hopefully you can talk him into getting individual counseling by himself. Then after a while try marriage counseling. Sounds like he knows it's him and not you. Hope everything works out for you 2 Posted via Mobile Device
I think it is interesting to note that your husband cannot pinpoint why he is unhappy. Either he does not want to tell you (because he doesn't want to hurt you), or he really does not know. Either way, getting to the bottom of this is key.
Meanwhile, I think you have a good plan, do everything you can to make him want you...but don't expect a thing in return yet. If he is mad about being unhappy it will take time and communication.
I know it is common for relationships to take a back burner when kids are young. My thought on this is: the relationship should come first, kids second. Those kids only exist because of your love for each other. And if they are to have two parents in the house, that depends on the relationship. I feel that putting kids first ends up putting them last...the end result ends up harming them more than helping. SO, I guess my advise is to put your husband first in every way you know how. Your marriage is in very serious trouble...do everything you can, including making you relationship the focus of your life.
As a H, I do not know what to say really. Sometimes people are in a rut. I would not do anything dramatic or try to be perfect to please him. Don't be whiny or needy (not that you would be, just I do not know). Do reassure him in subtle ways (pat him on the bottom when passing by - without saying anything, scratch his back, take pictures with him and your children). Do be self-confident (don't fret that he is having an affair, or doesn't like your legs), know that you are more beautiful as a mother - you are a family and a team going through life together - there is a strong bond. Marriage, like parenting, or anything else is rewarding work, but nonetheless work. Getting over the bumps as opposed to there being no bumps is what will bring you closer. Love his flaws and appreciate him without lowering yourself.
I felt unhappy..and because of that made a bad choice. Please help him to seek help. No matter how hard my husband tried to make me happy it didn't work..It was like a mid life crisis..this insanity that had me thinking I wanted excitement, someone new...and boy was I wrong..luckily I now do feel happy and in love with my husband but I put him thru hell before I came to my senses..Not trying to scare u and hope that is not the case but please talk him into seeing a doctor or therapist. Posted via Mobile Device
I've been there, and often... Down and depressed and not really sure why. And then it snowballs, you get thinking about the things that might be triggering you to feel that way.. and it keeps rolling downhill.. then the resent and the what if's roll in..
I think you actually have a good foundation there, you just need to spice up the relationship. Plan a trip, spend some time with just him for an evening or weekend. Change up the regular routine. I'm pretty sure he'd love you for it in the long run and might just eventually get him out of his rutt. If he's the analytical type, don't press him for what's on his mind.. You really won't want to hear it.
I would run around trying to make the house perfect for my H and he never said a word about it so one day I asked him why he never said a thing about the spick and span house he was coming home to every day. He said he likes that it is clean but it does nothing for him. I realized I had been cleaning for him when he could care less and I was hurt that he did not care?
I would love it if he came home and cleaned everything. Nothing hotter then a man doing the dishes when I have had a long day and don't want to clean them. But it is not doing a thing for my H.
Try finding out what his needs are, what he would like. A clean house does not sound like THE thing for him. Making his life easier might not be what he means. To me it sounds like you need to pay attention to him. Not his enviroment. Plan dates and go to new places and yes get some IC and Mc.
I think that doing something different and completly out of your style would bring his head around. Stir it up between the two of you.
I get the feeling he is hiding something from you. Sorry to put that in your mind, but I bet that thought is already there. I don't know how to handle that type of situation except to say that often the best approach is simply to ask. Don't snoop. Don't try to catch him at something. Ask him. Give him time to answer, but not enough for him to strategize about he is going to answer. As a guy, he is acting like I would if I were hiding something.
Sounds like we are married to the same man.. lol. but mine is 40..
I know how you feel.. at least you had good sex.. that says something. I felt the same way, like he was cheating so I looked him dead in the eyes and asked if there was someone else and he said no. I believe him, I can tell if he is lying. But the constant not knowing wtf is going on.. are they in this marriage- or not. I feel like my hubby may have depression, so I have to deal with this indecisiveness until he goes to the dr. We have to try to figure out what their needs are and try to meet them. Funny thing is my hubby tells me that he wished I cleaned the house more.. now i do and he says" well your only doing it because I complained, not because you wanted to".. dammed if I do dammed if i dont. I have family and friends to vent to but Im sure they are tired of hearing it.. so it helps to post here. But you are not alone, Im right there with you.
There are days I am like **** it.. I wont be the only one who cares about our marriage, I deserve better than that- but then its like dammit. I love him. he is my soul mate. divorce is not an option.. so I just guess we are stuck for now- waiting for these men to realize what they have- and get happy about it..
My hubby recently said that he wasn't happy. While I hated to hear that, a chat with a friend helped put things in perspective. At least he told the truth and is honest about his true feelings with me.. which is an opportunity to make our marriage a better place for both of us. Ask him to do some soul searching to pin point what exactly he would like from a relationship (this is also a good opportunity for you to do the same). My guess is he is afraid to tell you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. And, my second guess is that whatever it is, it is not going to hurt your feelings as much as he thinks it would. Address it now, don't let things slide. It will come up again down the road if you don't deal with it now. You two will be ok, sounds like you have strong feelings for each other.