Should I Divorce? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-2012, 05:01 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Should I Divorce?

I find my situation complicated, since there is alot to consider and would really appreciate it if you read all that I have to say before posting a response and please look to your heart and personal experiences to give and honest answer. Thank you for your help.

OK- I have been married for 8 years. First marriage- we got married young. 4 years into the marriage he became a drug addict/alcoholic and was very mean, so we separated. The first year was difficult, I loved him so much and we have a son together who cried himself to sleep every night because he missed his daddy. Eventually, my pain subsided and I began LOVING life. I was part of a non-profit, working, being a rockstar mommy- it was awesome. I kept praying for my estranged husband, at least so he would get better before he killed himself.

Prayer worked and he returned, begging to come home. I accepted and we were really happy for about 3 months until he sort of ruined my plans to move to hawaii and refused to leave his job but he agreed to move with me in 1 years time. He got really distant and emotionally shut down.. So, I waited for him and had a really awful year because I was just WAITING...then when it was time to go, he refused. I hadn't been happy in the relationship for that whole year and when he refused to go with me, I would have left him-except I couldn't make my son go through divorce- not after he just got his daddy back.

I don't have family where I am, I am very lonely and just want to leave. I began to fear for my life when my depression hit an all time low- I couldn't work, eat, take care of myself. I just cried all the time because I hated my relationship and I wanted to go live near my family. I told him I felt like I might hurt myself and he saw how frail I was getting, but he didn't care. This hurt the most. He lacks the ability to have any sort of compassion, which makes me feel like he doesn't love properly. He tells me I just need to give him time to work through his issues.

So:
- There is no abuse
- There is not a lot of arguing, just never really agreeing
- I feel as though I have wasted 8 years of my life
- He's actually a good fellow and an...eh..ok dad, but my son and him don't get along very well..they fight and fight. My son is 5 years old.
- He is perfectly content with our situation
- He works hard to provide

He loves me, and of course I love him- I have been with him my whole life. I was just WAY happier during the time he was gone and find my life unbearable with him.

Today I suggested that we take a romantic get away to Las Vegas together (I had saved up money and was secretly planning this to try and put a flame back in the relationship) He instantly shot it down, said it was a dumb idea and he didn't want to go. How do I have a thriving life with someone who is so heartless? It's frustrating.

These are the reasons I am with him still: (In order)
1. My son wants his dad in his life
2. I have been with him my whole life (minus 1 1/2 yrs) and feel "attached" and still love him, even though he makes me so very unhappy every day of my life.
3. I homeschool my son now and don't have a way to support him on my own anymore.
4. I am a Christian and as such my husband has not done anything to harm me: Physical/Emotional abuse, Adultery, etc. He would never hit me (very gentle) and is extremely faithful.
5. Totally scarred to go into life alone again...

Reasons I want to leave:
1. I can't stand not leaving. I wake up everyday wishing I hadn't woken up- except for my wonderful darling child who's presence gets me through each day.
2. He is completely uncompassionate and uncaring
3. He is totally unsupportive and cruel when it comes to new ideas
4. NO ROMANCE- Sex? ha Flowers? Forget about it. Anniversary? He has never celebrated it.
5. I miss my family and friends and want to go back home
6. I am not attracted to him

How do I justify ending a relationship that has no abuse? I just want to be happy, but I can't sacrifice my sons happiness for mine.

Thanks for your help!

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-2012, 06:34 AM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

Hi Lovegirl,

I can imagine your situation. All I can understand from your above post is that your husband takes you for granted.

I suggest you talk to him and tell him that if he doesn't understand your need for romance or a getaway than you too may consider to move on and see what he says.

Regards,
Amanda
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-2012, 09:30 AM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

I think the issues that you have a problem with are very serious. A moral and spiritual person has a hard time leaving a relationship such as yours. We always think that we can forgive, we can make things better. Sometimes we can but our spouse doesn't have the same morals, ethics, spirituality, same form of expressing love. It is a difficult decision to make. I can't say what is best for you but your situation doesn't look very promising to me. You stated that your son is fighting with your husband. If that is happening at 5 years old how do you think that is going to progress if you stay in the current situation. It is normal for all children to want both parents. My children are 18, 21 and 26 and they still want their parents together. My children are old enough to understand what their father has done, they don't like him very much these days but they wish that we could work things out. It's hard on everyone involved. I wish you luck. Try to keep yourself as strong as possible.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-2012, 10:18 AM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

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Originally Posted by LoveGirl View Post
Prayer worked and he returned, begging to come home.
What makes you think prayer "worked"? There is not one single study that shows prayer does anything at all!

Lots of times the person who leaves has second thoughts, they regret their decision, they realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, they struggle with finances of separate households, they don't want the legal hassles of divorce, losing access to kids, so they come back.

I for one would never depend on prayer to solve my problems, it's akin to doing nothing at all and hoping some sort of magic wand will be waved and all will be ok.

I got news for you, given the facts as you present them, he may have returned for whatever reason but if you don't address the issues and leave it all to the grace of a higher power it's going to crash and burn very quickly.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-2012, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I Divorce?

Thank you all for your time and responses, it is most helpful to have other input. Most of you had very kind hearted responses for which I am grateful. As for the last post- It is unkind to attack someones spirituality, please try to be more considerate and accepting of others beliefs.

God bless you all.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-08-2012, 07:15 PM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

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Originally Posted by LoveGirl View Post
Thank you all for your time and responses, it is most helpful to have other input. Most of you had very kind hearted responses for which I am grateful. As for the last post- It is unkind to attack someones spirituality, please try to be more considerate and accepting of others beliefs.

God bless you all.

Hi,

You seem to be very kind hearted. Can you please do me a favour if possible? Can you please go through my post and give your input. I am in a similar situation And I am tired of this limbo.

It may just help me to decide.

Regards,
Amanda
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-25-2012, 03:38 AM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

Your situation is pathetic .I suggest you to take time and decide whatever you want in life.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-25-2012, 04:05 AM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

You say that you can not support yourself if you leave. Perhaps you could more effort into improving our situation. Find something you are interested in, go to school to get whatever training/education you need. Once you have a way to support yourself you will be able to make decisions from a stronger vantage.

In doing this you will not be able to home school your son. But if you leave your husband you will not be able to home school anyway.

It's not fair to stay with your husband to use him as support when you really do not want to be there.

There is a good book that might help you a lot.. Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-25-2012, 05:02 AM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

So, he's a habit (a bad habit) and that's why you stay.

Hmmm...


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They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:49 PM
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Cool Re: Should I Divorce?

Dead Thread!


"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:12 PM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

Here are some thoughts:

1. Your five year old son does not want to lose having his daddy in his life. And yet, his dad, a grown man, fights with him, a mere 5 year old all the time. If he can't get along with a five year old, what is he going to do with a 10 or 15 year old? Is it possible your son would be better off with the idea, rather than the reality of his dad in his life?

2. You say he's not abusive, and yet you're borderline suicidal, sick to your stomach every day, etc. The reason for this is the stress HE is putting into your life. And he doesn't look to himself to change. He just essentially ignores your pain and failing health and tells you to suck it up? That sounds abusive to me. It's definitely not caring.

3. He would have to pay child support, and maybe alimony. So as long as you're raising your son you should be getting some assistance. Also, it sounds like your family is in Hawaii? I know HI is really expensive and the pay is usually crap, but would they be able to be supportive, maybe with a place to stay or help with rent for a few years until you get things figured out? In the case of the money, I would try to picture yourself living with your husband and his earning power, vs. living with family and their constant presence but also support and see which feels better to you. Also, how did you get by financially for a year when you were separated?

I feel really bad for you, if you didn't have the son I would definitely say to divorce him, but I know having a child complicates things. Still, from an outside point of view, it sounds like your life would be happier and richer without him, even if you were pretty poor.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

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Originally Posted by LoveGirl View Post
I was just WAY happier during the time he was gone and find my life unbearable with him.

Today I suggested that we take a romantic get away to Las Vegas together (I had saved up money and was secretly planning this to try and put a flame back in the relationship) He instantly shot it down, said it was a dumb idea and he didn't want to go. How do I have a thriving life with someone who is so heartless? It's frustrating.
Hi LoveGirl,
I was reading your whole story and there are 2 things you said that made me stop reading, and re-read those sentences because I couldnt believe you wrote those things and you still dont know what to do.

You find your life to be unbearable with him and you are happy when he is gone plus he doesnt want to do romantic things with you anymore.
I understand your problem, but it's time for a divorce. No matter how much you love him.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:24 PM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveGirl View Post
Thank you all for your time and responses, it is most helpful to have other input. Most of you had very kind hearted responses for which I am grateful. As for the last post- It is unkind to attack someones spirituality, please try to be more considerate and accepting of others beliefs.

God bless you all.
I totally agree. I am not very religious, if at all, but I read that post and thought - oh good grief, she said she's a strong Christian, how is that commentary helpful?

However, it did make me think... You prayed for him to come back, and he did. But that doesn't necessarily mean that was God's final answer to your prayer. I believe we have a lot to learn in this lifetime. When you prayed to have him back, I assume you wanted him back the way he was when you loved him so before the drugs and alcohol. Maybe your love was too young and naive and blind originally, or maybe he's back but he's no longer the man you prayed to have back. Maybe God brought him back so you could see how strong and happy you were in comparison without him, and truly let him go. Maybe God wants you H to learn a life lesson about empathy and using other people. Maybe God wants you to learn a lesson about respecting yourself and not allowing others to hurt you, or your son. Maybe God wants you to find the strength in yourself to do what's best for you son.

I don't know. But just because you prayed that he come back and he did does not necessarily mean that is the end of the journey.

If you do stay with him, you must do something to make your marriage better. I'm a big advocate for the stuff at marriagebuilders.com for saving marriages and learning how to be a good spouse and expect reasonable treatment from your spouse. (They are Christian based, too.) It's possible your H is just a scared, selfish ass (most addicts are), but if he truly wants to keep you and you set standards, he will have no choice but to rise to the occasion or not. You need to learn how to set those standards. He begged to have you back and now he's dictating your life. Slowing killing you with unloving behavior.

Have you considered moving to Hawaii without him? Another trial separation... Can you do that legally with a son?

I know God does not like divorce or giving up, but it goes both ways. Your H may claim to be a faithful Christian, but his treatment of you does not match the marriage vows. It's not like YOU are the one giving up. He's just having his cake and eating it too while you whither away.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: Should I Divorce?

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Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
I totally agree. I am not very religious, if at all, but I read that post and thought - oh good grief, she said she's a strong Christian, how is that commentary helpful?

However, it did make me think... You prayed for him to come back, and he did. But that doesn't necessarily mean that was God's final answer to your prayer. I believe we have a lot to learn in this lifetime. When you prayed to have him back, I assume you wanted him back the way he was when you loved him so before the drugs and alcohol. Maybe your love was too young and naive and blind originally, or maybe he's back but he's no longer the man you prayed to have back. Maybe God brought him back so you could see how strong and happy you were in comparison without him, and truly let him go. Maybe God wants you H to learn a life lesson about empathy and using other people. Maybe God wants you to learn a lesson about respecting yourself and not allowing others to hurt you, or your son. Maybe God wants you to find the strength in yourself to do what's best for you son.

I don't know. But just because you prayed that he come back and he did does not necessarily mean that is the end of the journey.

If you do stay with him, you must do something to make your marriage better. I'm a big advocate for the stuff at marriagebuilders.com for saving marriages and learning how to be a good spouse and expect reasonable treatment from your spouse. (They are Christian based, too.) It's possible your H is just a scared, selfish ass (most addicts are), but if he truly wants to keep you and you set standards, he will have no choice but to rise to the occasion or not. You need to learn how to set those standards. He begged to have you back and now he's dictating your life. Slowing killing you with unloving behavior.

Have you considered moving to Hawaii without him? Another trial separation... Can you do that legally with a son?

I know God does not like divorce or giving up, but it goes both ways. Your H may claim to be a faithful Christian, but his treatment of you does not match the marriage vows. It's not like YOU are the one giving up. He's just having his cake and eating it too while you whither away.


You do realize this is a five year old thread, right?
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveGirl View Post
I find my situation complicated, since there is alot to consider and would really appreciate it if you read all that I have to say before posting a response and please look to your heart and personal experiences to give and honest answer. Thank you for your help.

OK- I have been married for 8 years. First marriage- we got married young. 4 years into the marriage he became a drug addict/alcoholic and was very mean, so we separated. The first year was difficult, I loved him so much and we have a son together who cried himself to sleep every night because he missed his daddy. Eventually, my pain subsided and I began LOVING life. I was part of a non-profit, working, being a rockstar mommy- it was awesome. I kept praying for my estranged husband, at least so he would get better before he killed himself.

Prayer worked and he returned, begging to come home. I accepted and we were really happy for about 3 months until he sort of ruined my plans to move to hawaii and refused to leave his job but he agreed to move with me in 1 years time. He got really distant and emotionally shut down.. So, I waited for him and had a really awful year because I was just WAITING...then when it was time to go, he refused. I hadn't been happy in the relationship for that whole year and when he refused to go with me, I would have left him-except I couldn't make my son go through divorce- not after he just got his daddy back.

I don't have family where I am, I am very lonely and just want to leave. I began to fear for my life when my depression hit an all time low- I couldn't work, eat, take care of myself. I just cried all the time because I hated my relationship and I wanted to go live near my family. I told him I felt like I might hurt myself and he saw how frail I was getting, but he didn't care. This hurt the most. He lacks the ability to have any sort of compassion, which makes me feel like he doesn't love properly. He tells me I just need to give him time to work through his issues.

So:
- There is no abuse
- There is not a lot of arguing, just never really agreeing
- I feel as though I have wasted 8 years of my life
- He's actually a good fellow and an...eh..ok dad, but my son and him don't get along very well..they fight and fight. My son is 5 years old.
- He is perfectly content with our situation
- He works hard to provide

He loves me, and of course I love him- I have been with him my whole life. I was just WAY happier during the time he was gone and find my life unbearable with him.

Today I suggested that we take a romantic get away to Las Vegas together (I had saved up money and was secretly planning this to try and put a flame back in the relationship) He instantly shot it down, said it was a dumb idea and he didn't want to go. How do I have a thriving life with someone who is so heartless? It's frustrating.

These are the reasons I am with him still: (In order)
1. My son wants his dad in his life
2. I have been with him my whole life (minus 1 1/2 yrs) and feel "attached" and still love him, even though he makes me so very unhappy every day of my life.
3. I homeschool my son now and don't have a way to support him on my own anymore.
4. I am a Christian and as such my husband has not done anything to harm me: Physical/Emotional abuse, Adultery, etc. He would never hit me (very gentle) and is extremely faithful.
5. Totally scarred to go into life alone again...

Reasons I want to leave:
1. I can't stand not leaving. I wake up everyday wishing I hadn't woken up- except for my wonderful darling child who's presence gets me through each day.
2. He is completely uncompassionate and uncaring
3. He is totally unsupportive and cruel when it comes to new ideas
4. NO ROMANCE- Sex? ha Flowers? Forget about it. Anniversary? He has never celebrated it.
5. I miss my family and friends and want to go back home
6. I am not attracted to him

How do I justify ending a relationship that has no abuse? I just want to be happy, but I can't sacrifice my sons happiness for mine.

Thanks for your help!
It's all too apparent that your reasons for leaving far outweigh those for staying!

To wit, your "gut instincts" should dictate your ultimate answer!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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