My wife is not in love with me anymore...
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Old 02-08-2012, 01:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife is not in love with me anymore...

My story,

I am here for advice, as everyone else is.

I have been with my wife for over 9 years, we have 2 beautiful girls, 5 and 7, that are my life, and a reason for some of our problems. We are very different people, she is the outgoing one, a social butterfly, always the center of attention, I am the one who sits around and watches everyone, interacting with those that are only important to me. I am very neat and organized, she is not. She comes from a very large family, I can count my family on 1 hand. I am very hard working and do whatever necessary to provide for my family, she has never had a full time job. We are both very loving parents and our relationship has always been one that others wished that they had, as it seems we were very happy. Little did I know….

She always needs attention, and at times I know NOW that I was not giving her what she needed. I spend so much time with my daughters and she gets frustrated I did not show her the same attention I show them. I must have said to her thousands of times, "I have you the rest of my life, I only have them for a few more years." (meaning once teenage years hit, see ya dad!). I realize now that I should have spread my love, time, adoration, evenly, but am scared it might be too late.

The funny thing is I always used to get angry with her as I thought she takes me for granted, I have paid all the bills, up until recently did all laundries, made most meals and maintained our property and household. I felt she was not pulling her weight and was resentful at times. She used to always throw at me, I raise our kids, that is my role--blah, blah, blah. I used to be able to pay all of our expenses with little problems, now things have changed, I keep us afloat, we don't go without but I can't get a lot of the luxuries we used to and that is extra stress. I have told her on numerous occasions to get a full time job but it has not been done, using the kids as an excuse most of the time. Now I know I married a princess, and it is what it is. I accept it because I love her, and I know I would rather be with her than without.

We have maybe had two fights in front of the kids as I will not subject them to that. When she gets mad I sometimes don't know as she puts up a wall, her defense mechanism, and I have to try to break down the wall to try to find out why she is mad and see what can be done to resolve the problem. I do not enjoy being angry with her and want whatever problems we have to be fixed asap. Sometime I feel she enjoys being angry, she has told me she does… I didn't understand that until recently.

She recently told me she thinks she would be better without me. I was devastated and did not see this coming. I became a mess, I am normally the rock, I think in our 9 years together I have cried a handful of times, since that conversation it has occurred every day. She has been cold as ice, doesn't want me to sleep in the same bed, I asked if I could kiss her the other day and she said no. She is normally a very emotional person, she has cried over commercials on tv, but when it comes to this she has been a rock. She tells me she has such built up anger at me and she cannot forgive. She brings up stuff that I did months ago but never told me about them, stupid things that are all so petty. I don't know how or what I am suppose to do. She is using the anger as fuel to flame the fires of our dying marriage. I wish I could put them out.

She tells me she doesn't want to hurt me, but nothing else beyond that. I tell her I love her and I will not go out without a fight. She claims to be some god worshipping church going person(when it fits her schedule) and I can't wrap my head around how she thinks she, or our family would be better without me. I am so sad, maybe I just need to get angry, that would help get through this easier, to focus on all the bad, but I want my family and I want to make it good.

I asked her to go to counseling, at first she didn't think it would make a difference, but her seeing me the way I have been the last few days(emotional wreck) she has agreed to go. I guess that is a start.

She has also recently changed all her passwords on her computer, coincidence or is their more there? Only she knows.

I know other here are going through similar, if not worse than this, I needed to vent and here it is. I do have more to say but any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks.
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Old 02-08-2012, 01:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is not in love with me anymore...

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Originally Posted by Onlyino View Post
She has been cold as ice, doesn't want me to sleep in the same bed
She's done with you. She's emotionally and physically shut down and there's nothing you can do to change that except back off and give her the space she needs to figure it out. Then again she's probably cheating on you, that's usually the case in situations such as these, in which case giving her the space will only make it easier for her but you have no choice. You can't force her to feel a certain way about you.


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I asked if I could kiss her the other day and she said no.
She's totally shut you down and you are asking (really begging) for morsels.. that's just weak, pathetic, and a total turnoff. Especially since she's most likely having sex with some other dude. Stop chasing her and go live your own life. Maybe she'll see she's losing you and have second thoughts once she sees you're doing fine without her. But that's not why you back off and go live your own life, you do it to physically and mentally prepare yourself for the end of your marriage.. in a way that keeps your self esteem (and hopefully some of your assets) relatively intact. Start making plans to protect your ASSets, NOW. Or wait to be blindsided. Good chance you'll find yourself served with an Order of Protection and kicked out of your own house. Happens all the time, and I'd like to say I don't speak from personal experience but I can't.

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I tell her I love her and I will not go out without a fight.
Oh yeah that will help. What are you going to do, strap her to the bed and have forcible sex with her until she gives up and starts loving you again? Seriously there is nothing to fight for here. Just because you happen to be married to another person doesn't give you some sort of power over them or give you some ability to control how they feel or what decisions they make for themselves.


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Originally Posted by Onlyino View Post
She claims to be some god worshipping church going person(when it fits her schedule) and I can't wrap my head around how she thinks she, or our family would be better without me.
People pull that god worshipping crap all the time. They're all a bunch of hypocrites and use religion as an excuse and a crutch, nothing more, so don't even go there. You can't wrap your head around why she thinks she's better off without you and you know what? The good news is, you don't have to because what you think is irrelevant. You're not the one who wants out.

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She has also recently changed all her passwords on her computer, coincidence or is their more there? Only she knows.
She's cheating on you. Next question?
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Old 02-08-2012, 01:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is not in love with me anymore...

Im dealing with the same issue. My wife repeatidly told me what she wanted and I failed to give it to her. I never cuddled, never talked, never showed emotions. My wife is sick of the revolving circle, it gets better for a couple of months then goes right back to the bad. I get upset at little things and she hates it. I have pushed my wife away from me and she has told me that she only loves me as a friend and doesnt want to even consider working things out because she doesnt want to get hurt anymore. Im not dead yet and paperwork hasnt been filed so regardless of what people think or say, i have hope.

To you, I feel your pain. If you love her, then fight. she loved you once before, she can do it again. Ive read elsewhere that in order to proceed, you have to let go of the past. So forgive and forget. tell her what your expectations are and have her do the same. make the time for her. Do the little things that make her happy. Eventually that spark will reignite.

Good luck my friend. if you have any advice for me, im open to it as well.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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@wookie

It is tough man, I wish I had advice for you but I am so mentally distraught I don't know if I am coming or going.

I am going to fight because I don't want to lose what I have/had. Fighting means, trying to make them smile, laugh, enjoy one anothers company... good communication.

The only bit of advice I can give is have some outlets or friends that can hear you and offer you unbiased advice. Alot of our mutuall friends tell me she is nuts and can not make it on her own, it helps to hear positive reinforcemnets from people that actually know you.

Good Luck man, we are in a tough battle but no matter what we will keep on living, try to find a little bit of joy in every day no matter how hard it seems.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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@ wizer

She may be done with me, it sure does seem like that but I am hoping no. I do not believe that she is cheating on me, in a time like this your insecurities make you suspect everything, even if it is nothing.

I have been pathetic, which is surprising, because I am very confident and strong willed. Her whole mood switch has just been very strange and so different than anything I have ever seen from her.

Bottom line is, i don't want to break up my family and if I can do something to prevent that I will... I will not accept cheating, no matter what if I found that out, heads would be rollin.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is not in love with me anymore...

I do hope both of you can work it out.

But its suspicious when somebody changes their passwords. There's a reason for secrecy. There might not be any physical cheating yet, but it is only a matter of time.
Get into counseling ASAP.
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Old 02-08-2012, 03:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I agree baby, very suspicious indeed.

as said prior my insecurities got the better of me and I am using a keylogger on all my computers sO I will know those new password soon enough.

First counseling session tomorrow night
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Old 02-08-2012, 03:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is not in love with me anymore...

The best advise back off a bit. If she brings it up then talk. Second, try to be a little more social. You sound like you have a shy personality. If you have mutual friends start planning dates with other couples. It sounds like your wife is a social animal and needs to interact with others. I am the same way.

My wife gave me the old:
"I love you but I am not in love with you but I do not want a divorce" I did not get upset, I became indifferent. I love my wife and would do anything for her, but I am all guy and I am not going to ***** foot around with anyone.

I brought the subject up twice, the second time I brought it up she got angry. My response was "I do not give a crap if your angry, this is my life and I want to know if there is commitment in this marriage" I also explained the new rules in the marriage. Rule one: if one person is unhappy that person can leave. Rule two: if one person cheats on the other person the cheater leaves.

Personally, I think she was testing my commitment to the marriage. She wanted to get a response out of me. Everything has been great since.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Good luck Only.
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Old 02-08-2012, 06:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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@gonefishin

I agree that I have to back off, I can't make her want to be with me, if she chooses I will be here if not I guess it is time to move on. I have asked her if she would like to go out to nice dinner the other night and I got a big fat no. So, the writing may be on the wall but maybe it hasn't totally dried yet...

@baby

Thanks, luck or little spark of attraction is all I can hope for right now. I have a feeling I am fighting a battle that I can not win, tomorrow night will be interesting with the marriage counselor. I just need to know if she wants to try as a family or not, I don't want pity from her I want love. And if it is to end, is it possible to do it gracefully without destroying our kids-all they know is this house and us together, I can't imagine not having them with me....

Good night all, and thanks for the therapy session, it has helped.
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Onlyino, I have been in a nearly identical situation for the last 3 months. Hoping that by just being myself and not being needy she would start to feel for me again. Hasn't happened. Just today I've decided to take control by moving out. It's time for me to truly move on. Until today I've told myself and others that I was ready to let her go, but I was lying to myself. I wish I would have left 2 months ago. Either she would have realized she missed me and we could potentially reconcile, or I could have been 2 months further into my detachment. I'm not saying that this should be your approach, but something to chew on. If she's lost her love for you, consider taking yours from her to see how she reacts. I waited too long and I'm afraid all that has done has eased her transition to a new life without me. She's had the benefit of my financial support, my help around the house and with the kids. I should have made her feel life without me.

And by the way, it hurts to hear, but your wife is cheating on you. Could be an EA only, but someone else has definitely taken hold of her heart. I didnt want to believe either. Don't reveal what you know too soon. I made that mistake and have struggled to get the undeniable evidence I would need to get her to fess up.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is not in love with me anymore...

Only,
The first job in counseling is to get HER to talk. And get her to feel safe being honest

The second thing is to get her to TELL YOU, what things you do that cause her to feel love for you and things that weaken that feeling: love busters and love fillers.

And get her to talk about the time period during which she fell out of love. What happened and why?

AND ask her if she has met someone else, and is attracted to them? Ask in a non-threatening way and try to get her to open up.

If she is generally evasive and doesn't want to work on the marriage as her straight up "Are you willing to work towards a mutually loving, happy marriage"? And if she says yes you should follow up with: What do you think your part in that is? And what do you think my part is?


The web site below is quite good.

The Love Bank



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I agree baby, very suspicious indeed.

as said prior my insecurities got the better of me and I am using a keylogger on all my computers sO I will know those new password soon enough.

First counseling session tomorrow night
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Old 02-09-2012, 08:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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@ finallyready

Good advice about not being so doting on her. I have seen myself transform a little more every day. Earlier in the week I was a pathetic groveling mess... I look back now and I know I felt this way and acted this way out of love. I am getting stronger every day and I am realizing that I need to give her space. My gut and head are telling me it is over, my heart doesn't want to yet.

If I moved out as of right now she would lose everything, she can't afford to pay anything, I mean nothing. This is a woman who can not afford to pay any bills besides her credit cards and her car payment because she works aprox 20hrs/week and has NEVER had a full time job. Also, no matter what happens my kids are going to be devastated. I told her I can not live like this, either we try to make it as a family or we have to move on. My wife has always been spoiled and taken care of, either by my, or her parents, which I found out last night with a slip of the tongue from her that they will not support her in this decision, she will not be able to afford living on her own and she definitely can not afford our house. She will learn real fast when/if this ends what the real world is like. I love your line-I should have made her feel life without me- very inspirational. I went on a business trip this past summer for a week and when I came home things were not so well, the kids were distraught, things that I do on daily basis were just not done. I do not know about the cheating thing, that would be easier than just not loving me anymore... Only she knows, and I do have ways of tracking her, I just don't know if I want to go there yet.

Thanks for the words man, I really appreciate it in this tough time, especially from one has gone through something similar.
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Old 02-09-2012, 08:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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@mem

We do go to counseling tonight but I think she is going because she has pity for me and not love. We will see tonight.

I know she feels, and she does have a point, that I never gave her enough attention. I can make excuse all day on why I didn't show her enough attention but I can say I did try to make her feel good every day. A day would not go by that I did not tell her I love her and how hot or pretty she looked even if she was just lounging around the house in sweats.

Now here is some old schools stuff, music can be therapeutic, and I was listing to an old Prince song, when doves cry, and the line is "maybe your just like my mother she was never satisfied" and that hit home with me. I might not have showed her the same attention I did my girls(my kids), but I think no matter what I do I can not satisfy her. I grew up not having much, she grew up with whatever she wanted, I appreciate every thing that I have, and she is a dreamer and always wants more and believes she deserves more. It is good to dream, you just have to enjoy and appreciate what you have.

Also, excellent advice on the other questions.

My main questions that I want an answer to tonight when we go to counseling are these.

1. Why did you come tonight? Is it out of love for me and attempt to save this marriage/family?

2. Is there someone else, and if the answer is no, why would you change all your passwords?
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
2. Is there someone else, and if the answer is no, why would you change all your passwords?
Don't ask this question just yet. You need to do some investigation of your own before giving her hints about your suspicion. There is no way in hell she will admit to cheating before you have strong evidence.

Everything you have listed sounds like she is checking out and possibly getting emotionally/physically satisfied via external sources. She may not be in an affair yet, but is definitely on the path already.
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