Married less than a yr and need advice
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Married less than a yr and need advice

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 02-12-2012, 06:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married less than a yr and need advice

A little background. I've been married to my current husband for about 9 months. We've been together just shy of 4 years. The first 7 months was a very long distant relationship and helped us grow close emotionally. Since I was so used to the distance, when we were living close to each other again, I quickly was getting bored. We broke up after about a year and a half for 5 months. I didn't feel the feelings I originally had for him anymore.

I kept in contact with him during that time, talked once a week or so since we had a friendship before we dated. We would talk a little more and more and started hanging out again. Before we broke up he had asked my dad to marry me, so it was still on his mind and after us hanging out for about 2 months, he proposed. We were married 13 months later.

Things were rocky at first since we were living in 2 different states, but after 2 months we were finally able to move into our house. Life seemed perfect and we originally talked about trying to have kids after a year and a half, but after about 6 months, he wanted to start trying for them. I haven't been able to get pregnant and now that I'm having these thoughts I feel like it's a sign.

I know I love him, but I believe I am no longer in love with him. We've been having a lot of arguments lately and screaming matches, saying things we know hurts the other person, so I started working longer hours because I'm not interested in being home as much. I used to love shopping with him and running errands, now I run out to do them by myself and have time alone. When I go out with people I've met since we've moved, I never invite him because when he's around he's always trying to be all touchy and lovey-dovey and I just don't want any part of it. I've noticed myself lately flirting a lot more with people and my husband has been on my mind a lot less. Yesterday I brought up to him that I just don't think things will last with us since I'm not happy. He kept saying he wants to work on things but I think I've already checked out of this marriage. I've walked around our house thinking what's his and what's mine and made a list of our finances together and bills and what we owe.

I know I haven't reached out to a counselor but I feel so strongly that my heart is made up and I'm just waiting for this to be done with. If I haven't gotten upset thinking about not being with him anymore, then I feel like it's a lost cause...

Any comments/suggestions are welcome.
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married less than a yr and need advice

You know in your heart what the right thing is for you, so it's just a question of when...
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Old 02-12-2012, 07:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married less than a yr and need advice

Your post makes me sad for your husband.
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Old 02-12-2012, 09:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married less than a yr and need advice

Many books will suggest that the euphoric feeling of "being in love" is nothing more than an initial feeling that can last for a while, but it fades like anything...

Eat too much chocolate, and suddenly, you like chocolate, but you get tired of it, and maybe want something else instead...

You feel like your mind is made up...but you haven't walked down every avenue yet...done counseling or sat down and spoken to him (im assuming)

My opinion, as a man that was in a similar situation and my wife left me without so much as a second thought because she "made up her mind"...everyone makes mistakes, however, love and marriage take a lot of work.

It isn't a fairy tale...you don't fall in love and live happily ever after...you have to communicate, try new things, and put in a LOT of effort.

It's up to you to decide what you want to do...try to see things from all angles, and not just the "well, I guess i'm just not in love now!"

I know that seems hard...but the human mind is an amazing thing and capable of a lot...just make sure you communicate, consider your options, and act on them.

Ultimately (from my own experience)...if you bottle it up, and just let it fester ..you'll get resentful, and eventually, you may leave and cripple him in the process...if you love him, you owe it to both of you, to try reconcile, but if that can't be done...mitigate the damage, because I assume you he'll be hurt.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married less than a yr and need advice

I'm absolutely appalled by your level of commitment and affection for your husband

NOT!!!

Good luck finding happiness in life. It sure doesn't show up on "signs". You gotta turn your head a bit inwards and look deep inside yourself.

Your lack of feelings and affection for a newly wed is very concerning. it's not your husband's fault you're like this. I feel sorry for him.
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Old 02-13-2012, 02:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married less than a yr and need advice

Synthetic...you seem to get a bit heated very easily...keep something in perspective: It's a known fact that the first year of marriage is often the HARDEST and typically unstable. Also, younger marriages/relationships often fail before the age of 30.

Not always, but it happens.

And to her credit, she came to a forum, that is supposed to be welcoming, and supportive, not insulting or personally biased...She came here for help on her situation, and some perspective.

If we could have all been so lucky...

Hopeful*....reach out to a marriage counselor. I think this may help you both out and to work on the issues. You don't have to both go immediately, you can often go by yourself, talk out some of your issues, then decide if you want to bring your spouse into the mix.

Remember to control your emotions, and see things from a rational perspective as well. Be kind, considerate, but most importantly be honest with him, and honest with yourself.
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