a man's input??? okay, here goes.
guys do not make for very good receivers. in another thread i have referred to women as transmitters and men as receivers, as in radio. we guys are tuned to one channel, you have to broadcast to that channel. or we don't receive the signal.
we want to please you. we want you to be happy. combine thoughts here...
just don't threaten our emotional existance!!! we have em. if making you happy means attending nursing school to become a health care provider, great! but understand that it's new territory for us. that actually scares us, because you're using new things to make yourself happy. it pops into our head "oh no, i'm not making her happy," and we can tend to look desperate and clingy in our reaction to this new desire.
best way to stay ahead of the curve is to communicate your wants and needs. TELL US!!! and if we don't "receive" or if it's coming in fuzzy, find a new way to TELL US!!!
you've (and sprite) have reached a point where your walls of protection are up so much, there never gonna let you see us being the understanding spouse that we are trying so deperately to be. they're your walls, let em down!! just a little, for a while. you might find that man you'd always hoped we were. (i'm gonna tell this story more than once, i think)
I have communicated my wants and needs many, many, many times. I have flat out said things like: The kids and I have planned a Christmas Eve evening just for our family. I would really love for you to join us would you like to? (Smiling, warm, inviting but inside wondering why I have to invite my own husband to spend time with his family on Christmas Eve!!!)
His reply: That sounds fun. Sure!
Me: Our party starts at 6. So I can expect you home by then?
Him: Yes, I'll be there. It is not a problem I will be done by 2 with the office party.
Me: Are you sure? Please just be sure so we can plan accordingly.
Him: I said I'd be there and I will. That's fine.
Me: Okay. I will tell the kids then. I'm really glad you want to join us it will be fun.
REALITY: Shows up at 11 PM completely smashed and falling in the hallway, mad at me because I'm furious with him and hurt once again. Having spent the evening with the kids making up excuses so they don't have to see that their father blew them off on Christmas Eve as well. (Also, I'm 8 months pregnant at the time and feel so cherished by him after that!) Replay this same scene with many events, dates, promises throughout the years. Some more succinct than others. Some where I look him straight in the eye and ask him to promise and he does, then backs out by standing me up. How much more direct can a person be?
I tried the pleading, begging early on and gave it up quickly. We read marriage books together, I explained myself and how women are in general. I tried to get a handle on the male perspective, asking his point of view, putting myself in his position, pointing out issues. I have been very, very specific about birthdays, anniversaries, gift giving, events. I am not a game player. I am very straightforward and nothing gets through. Skipping mother's day last year was really hard on me. I had 9 C-sections to give this man his children and he doesn't want to acknowledge mother's day cause I'm not his mother????? All I could picture were the 9 times I lay there on the operating table scared to death and shaking, and it wasn't enough to warrant a celebration or even a card.
He admitted at one point that he would not want our daughter to marry someone that would treat her the way he has treated me, but does nothing to change. I have tried for 21 years to find his 'channel' and have been unsuccessful. I have been angry, frustrated, lonely, and hurt into the silence I now practice in regards to him. I understand the walls I have built around myself as protection for my heart. I have forced myself to let them down several times, only to be crushed again.
If you can give me some ideas on other approaches that would work I would greatly appreciate it because mine have all failed.