I hope that we can all read on here in the coming months that your taking the first step to change the tide in your marriage is all it took to go from blah to fantastic. I would love to follow your story, as a ray of hope. Every time I have tried what you are doing now, it doesn't take long before I feel like I'm settling again.
Please don't give me any praise yet. The first step is putting in writing what my goals are. I know myself and unless I write goals I never keep myself accountable. I do have a wonderful man.
I've decided to play the role I must in this marriage. I must be the leader. Now I'm not saying being bossy...or aggressive. But I'm the one who cares if we are late to the party, then I need to be sure to get everyone ready earlier. He doesn't care. So why should he have to take blame for being late (even if he does start clipping his nails as we all are headed for the car). I'm tired of being sad...So I choose to laugh and live. If he wants to join me then he has to get in the car with the rest of us or we will go on without him.
I totally get what you are saying about helping our H find them self. The problems is, if we didn't pressure them to search or change ...they would lead a very happy life anyway (ignorant but happy, not a bad choice when we consider some peoples past). I just hope he can snap out of his own head long enough to see how GREAT this will be if he stopped trying to be something he's not. All I want is the REAL him.
I gained 60 lbs with our first child. I was Large and in charge. I used to tell him "man, I sure duped you. Here in collage I was this lean, strong and very limber and now look at me." He always responded, "I'd love you no matter what". I've learned things about my husband over the years that had made me feel duped. What he said and spoke did not match his actions. He may not have gained weight but his personality was very much a projection of something he could not keep up with. Why didn't I say "I would love you no matter what"? I've sense lost all the weight and given him his (slightly altered after 3 kids) collage girl back...and he is working on letting me see the real him. I think that is all I can ask for as of right now.
As for the sex... I'm a bit stumped. Being completely open...I just really want to be taken hard and long. Sorry for the graphic...but that is what I am missing. I'm thinking of making a mental goal of doing it every day for 2 weeks (can't write that one down)...no matter what. I think this will return his confidence and probably help his staying power. Its been suggested in the past but I was to angry to comply. I felt that he would be the only one who gained anything out of it. Well, with that attitude I would be right. So here we go...with a new attitude I will hopefully reach my goal. (I am in no way saying I will give up my feisty Spirit..I will just channel it (no promises for PMS week)).
I've already started my turn around. I've emptied my cup. Yesterday up until about 4pm I was still in the dumps about things. We had a pretty upsetting discussion about splitting the night before. I had pondered and tried to envision my life without him. I pictured the kids and I at a pumpkin patch picking out there perfect kins...and I could not get him out of the vision. I visioned my eldest at graduation and tried to force him out of it by adding a "step" father into the picture. Still he was there and made the other man fade into the distance. It was then that I realized I could not see my life without him. Imperfectly perfect for me.
Later that day:
He had texted me that he didn't want to go to the finance class that we signed up for a few weeks ago. I said ok, Assuming it was because he didn't want to go anywhere with me. I asked him to pick up some money from the bank on his way for "food". During the next few hours I got a baby sitter and my little black dress out.
When he got home I was still in the process of putting my face on and he shouted from the other room what was up. I simply told him to get in the shower but don't look at me. This went on as he dressed and redyed himself as I instructed. "Don't look at me" I reminded. Right before we left the house I stepped in front of him and he smiled big. "You look SO beautiful" he said. We stepped out the door and I said..."where should we go". "Anywhere with you is good with me". he replied.
Who could let a man like that go?
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I'm blessed.
I will continue posting, I'm sure There will be moments of weakness on my part and his. Please allow me to express them as a means to understand them. Good luck to you Nomoretogive. I hope your man sees what he has...right in front of him. Honesty is always the best option.