Trying180,
Your story is my story, and I know how frustrating living with someone like this can be; how demeaning their treatment of you is -- OMG, the feeling like a piece of meat comment below brought tears to my eyes, because I have felt that way for YEARS; and how you don't even recognize the woman you've become after years of living with them.
I'm going through the same thing, and could have written your post nearly word-for-word. In fact, I think one of my earliest posts summarizes a nearly identical situation with my husband. Having gone through the same thing and knowing firsthand how miserable it is, please don't feel like you have to apologize to anyone who hasn't walked in your shoes. I've found that it's nearly impossible for anyone else to understand what it's like to live like this. The only person who seems to get it is my counselor.
To outsiders, it seems so easy: Spend some time building them up, show them respect, and everything will be great. If only it worked like that. Like you, it doesn't matter how much I build him up -- either he works twice as hard at tearing me down, or he is a bottomless pit, needing more and more praise, to the point where no one could fill him up. I think in my post I mentioned that even my kids have suggested getting him an iPhone 4S with Siri inside, so she can tell him over and over how wonderful he is, because we're sick of doing it.
I understand what synthetic is saying, that as wives we have an "obligation" to build our husbands up....but it's just too hard to do that on a consistent basis when we're knocked down at every turn. It's definitely too hard to do it once resentment and bitterness have set in. And I maintain that it's not my job solely to build him up; he also has a responsibility to reciprocate if the marriage is to be successful.
When I read your line below, "I just don't have the energy to focus on him anymore," I could feel where you are, because it gets to the point where it IS exhausting. You just don't have it in you anymore to keep giving and giving of yourself, to get little or nothing in return, except pleas for more and more.
You mention counseling. Are you guys going together, or are you seeing someone on your own, also? I have found that having someone to talk to about how this is affecting me, without worrying about him jumping in with why I'm wrong, has been a lifesaver. It's crazy how much this has affected me and how good it feels to get some of it off my chest with someone who understands.
Like you, I've chosen to begin focusing on myself and my children -- the ones I can save. It's been much more productive for me, and it has helped my children immensely.
You say you don't want the marriage to end...but are you really willing to live like this forever, settling for someone who doesn't make you happy? I realize I'm speaking out of turn here because I haven't divorced mine yet, but it's something to think about.
Our MC has opined that my husband suffers from a case of arrested development and simply isn't willing to do the hard recovery work to make the changes I feel it will take to make this marriage worth it for me over the long term without some changes on his part. She also made it very clear to both of us that what he is doing is abuse. Until that day, I had never considered it a form of abuse, because there were no bruises. That was an eye-opener.
Even so, she has asked me to make a 90-day commitment to see if anything at all improves now that we're in counseling and all of the issues are on the table. She has told him that his days of skating through this marriage without any effort are over; that it's time for him to put his money where his mouth is and begin making changes, rather than just talking about them.
To help in that regard, she is seeing him individually to start addressing some of his issues. At home, I am trying to help him, too. I have specifically written out what it is I and the kids need from him so there is no guessing needed. I bought him a copy of Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S and the No More Mr. Nice Guy book (this one admittedly made things WAY worse; he wasn't mature enough to grasp the content the way it was intended and thought the book was telling him it was okay to be a d!ck). I've found him an older male role model -- he had no father growing up. I'm doing everything I can to help him, but have made it clear I can't do the work for him.
We're about six weeks in and things aren't getting much better, yet. However, when the 90th day comes, I can throw in the towel knowing I did everything I could to make this marriage work, to help him find his way to being a better husband and father. If it turns out that he didn't do anything to help fix this marriage, that's a choice he made. I can't make him want to fix it, but I can say "enough" and walk away to regain my sanity and help my kids begin to heal.
I don't know if any of this helps, but I want you to know that I feel for you and your kids and know exactly what you're going through. I wish, though, I was posting to say there is an easy fix to this mess....there just isn't. Keep your head up, keep focusing on yourself and the kids, and keep praying that he figures it out; help him where you can without giving too much of yourself. You will know when you've reached your breaking point, if you haven't already.